REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Selects

McDonald's Chicken Selects

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?


So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook)

Daily Show Audiobook

Do your remember the times when your parents would read you bedtime stories, like the Three Little Pigs and Sleeping Beauty, to help you fall asleep early so that they can do the horizontal mambo in their bedroom, in the kitchen, or in the bathroom?

It was great because you didn’t have to worry about turning pages, remembering where you left off, or paper cuts, and sometimes nine months later you ended up with a brother or sister.

Today we still have some of those luxuries thanks to audiobooks.

Besides, who has time to sit down and read a book? Not when there’s a Punk’d and Pimp My Ride marathon on MTV and I have to play a season of Madden 2005. However, one of the great things about audiobooks is the ability to multitask. It’s hard to multitask when reading an actual book. There’s no possible way I can read a book, download porn, and play Madden 2005 all at the same time, but with audiobooks I can.

Besides I’m too lazy to flip pages. Have you seen the size of books today? It may look like I’m reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but what I’m really doing is working out my arms with those 255,000 words.

We at the Impulsive Buy are avid fans of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, because it’s where we get our world news. So on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, when the Daily Show isn’t on, we have no idea what’s going on. But then again, we are too stoned to care what’s going on.

America (The Audiobook) takes a humorous look at the history of American government in a textbook format, with classroom activities and discussion questions at the end of each chapter, which we didn’t do because…Um…Our dog ate our answers and then our computer crashed.

The audiobook may lean a little to the left, but whether you’re left-wing, right-wing, or one of those crazy Nader supporters, we think you will find this audiobook humorous. If you don’t, you have no soul or you’re legally deaf.

We were disappointed to find out that the audiobook was an abridged version of the best-selling hardcover book. We were also frustrated we couldn’t see the picture of the Supreme Court naked, which is in the actual book.

On second thought, not seeing that picture may have been a good thing.

Item: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
Purchase Price: $15.95 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: It’s downright funny. Read by Jon Stewart and the other Daily Show correspondents. Right-wing or left-wing, or Nader-loving, there’s something for everyone.
Cons: Abridged version. Didn’t get to see Sandra Day O’Conner’s boobies.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

I’m sorry, baby!

I’m sorry I called you a tease. I didn’t mean it. I also didn’t mean to call you sick and sadistic. My emotions just got the best of me. I know you can only be a grocery store and not the supermarket I dream of in my head.

I thought going to another grocery store would be a better fit for me, but it wasn’t. I found out that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. It was a horrible experience.

It costs $4.50 for a gallon of skim milk at the other grocery store. You offered it to me for $3.50. Also, they only had TWO checkout registers open and one was the 10 items or less register. I had to wait in line. I know you would never let that happen to me.

We broke up over something stupid. It wasn’t even worth it and I see that now. Those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, which I did find at the other grocery store, was such a stupid reason for me to think there was someone better than you. You’ll probably laugh at me when I tell you this, but I had to pay $3.25 for those Pop-Tarts. I know you wouldn’t have charged me that much.

The chocolate frosting and cookie dough filling of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts weren’t even that good, frozen or toasted. It definitely wasn’t as delicious as the S’mores and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts that you sold to me.

I now know I’m an unemotional shell who never took into consideration your feelings. You made me feel special, but I now see that I never made you feel as special.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I can get another savings card to replace the one I cut up. I can buy 12 yogurts for $7.80. I’ll wait in your parking lot and tackle anyone who tries to steal your shopping carts. Or I’ll bag my own groceries. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.

I promise I’ll never leave you again.

Just give me one more chance.

Item: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.25
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had. I miss you.
Cons: Didn’t meet the hype that I created for it. I’m an asshole.

eMusic Music Store

eMusic Music Store

I remember the days when it was so easy to get the music I wanted. Jump on a PC at school, start up Napster, and download songs to my hearts content. Unfortunately, I now have to worry about lawsuits from the RIAA, which by the way is slowly becoming the second scariest acronym behind the IRS.

Now that I’ve gone legit, I get my music from CDs and the iTunes Music Store. However, recently I noticed one of the online music stores called eMusic was offering 50 free MP3 downloads, so I decided to give them a try.

eMusic is a little different than the iTunes Music Store because their catalog only consists of musicians from independent labels. That means you won’t find Britney Spears at eMusic, which is good thing. Also, with the eMusic Music Store, you can’t purchase individual tracks, instead you must sign up for monthly plans which allows you to download a set number of MP3s. Their cheapest plan at $9.99 allows for 40 downloads, which comes out to about 25 cents per song. So cheap that it’s like I’m stealing…I mean, downloading from the old Napster again.

It’s a great deal, but unfortunately, I’m not too familiar with groups on independent labels.

Fortunately, I got a few recommendations from occasional Impulsive Buy browsers, Kari, a former college radio DJ and Gabriel, a sleeveless taiko drummer. While looking through their lists of groups, I thought they were making up names, like The Postal Service, Interpol, Burning Airlines, The Impossibles, Slow Reader, The Music, Hot Hot Heat, Massive Attack, The Shins, and Morcheeba.

However, after searching through the eMusic catalog, I found out that they weren’t messing with my head. Although I didn’t find all the groups, so maybe they were messing with me a little.

While downloading their recommendations, I thought about how easy it must be to create a band name. As a matter of fact, it’s so easy that I created an equation for you boys and girls to remember so that you can create your own band names.

T + A + N = BN
(The + Adjective + Noun = Band Name)

With this equation I’ve created the following names: The Blue Quick, The Liberal Reporters, The French Fliers, The Rejected Credit Card Application, The Empty Wallets, The Stupid Presidents, and The Hyperactive Elementary School Kids on the Playground.

Many of the groups that Kari and Gabriel suggested were really good and it was great to hear something different than the 2,346 songs that were already on my iPod.

After downloading my 50 free MP3s, I decided to sign up for the $9.99 monthly plan, so I could download other groups I’ve never heard of.

(Note to RIAA: All songs downloaded during my misguided college years have been erased from the computer I was using at that time.)

Item: eMusic Music Store
Purchase Price: 50 Free Downloads + $9.99 for 40 Downloads
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Monthly plans are a very good deal. Good source for music from independent labels, with over 500,000 songs. No Britney Spears-type crap. Uses MP3 format, so no DRMs.
Cons: Bad deal if you don’t use up all your downloads during each month, which expire. Sometimes downloads are slow.

REVIEW: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts

The national grocery store chain I shop at is a tease.

There I said it!

She’s a tease and if she keeps doing it, I’m going to have to do my shopping at another grocery store. Sure I have to pay a little more for things, but a man can only take so much.

She teases me with her voluptuous “Buy One, Get One Free” deals. Or her sexy “10 for $12.00″ deal. Sure I don’t need twelve boxes of Kleenex, but it’s 10 for $12.00!

She tells me things that get me so excited, but always lets me down. For example, for weeks there’s been a place for those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts with a “Coming Soon” label. Every week when I come in to shop I expect to see some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts, but every week I’m met with the same old “Coming Soon” label.

My emotions aren’t some kind of game you can play with. Don’t play games with me!

What kind of sick and sadistic grocery store are you? Teasing me with your 2 for $4.00 sale on Pop-Tarts, but not having the Pop-Tarts I really want. I’ve had to settle for the S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

Sure the S’mores Pop-Tarts were good and the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts were really good, with its fudge flavored crust, white vanilla filling, and whipped cream flavored frosting with colored candy sprinkles that tastes great either toasted or frozen. Sure I have to say that the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts has overtaken S’mores Pop-Tarts as my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, but I know that’s just your way of trying to cover up your issues.

How much longer are you going to keep playing games with me? You think I’m some ordinary customer. I have your savings card! I’m a regular customer. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I thought I was special.

That’s it! I’m through with you. I’m done with your stupid “Buy One, Get One Free” sales. I’m moving on from your “10 for $12.00” deals. I’m cutting up your savings card and I’m going to shop somewhere else.

Why did you have to do this to me? I really believed we had something special.

Item: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great frozen or toasted. My new favorite Pop-Tarts flavor.
Cons: It’s not the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts. My old grocery store is a sick, sadistic tease.