Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E

Oh, wook at the wittle doggie on the packaging for the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E.

Who’s a cute, wittle doggie? You’re a cute, wittle doggie. Yes you are. You wike to wick my nose with your wittle tongue, don’cha. You wook so soft and cuddwy, wittle doggie. If you were here I would use your soft wittle fur to wipe my warge ass.

Don’t bewieve me? Just ask the Snuggle bear.

How could I not buy toilet paper with a cute, wittle doggie on its packaging? It’s hard for me to resist things with cute doggie woggies on them. It’s the reason why I’ve got an unused bag of Puppy Chow, a whole lot of Clifford the Big Red Dog books, every sheet from the 365 Puppies A Year tear-away daily desk calendar from the last five years, and why the website Daily Puppy is at the top of my RSS feed reader.

I was hoping that the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E would be soft and fluffy like the fur of that cutsy wootsy doggie woggie on its plastic wrapper or the lyrics of Jewel song. I was also expecting it would be so soft that I would intentionally eat Ex-Lax just so I could use it more.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as soft as a doggie woggie, but it felt as good as my usual two-ply Costco toilet paper I get in the über 36-pack that takes me over a year to go through, even after my annual tradition of dressing up as a mummy.

Like Ruffles potato chips or Jabba the Hut’s chin, each sheet of the Cottonelle Toilet Paper has ridges. I thought it glided better over my bunghole compared with other toilet papers I’ve used. I don’t know if the aloe and vitamin E had something to do with reducing roughness, but if they did, I need a shirt made with aloe and vitamin E so that my nipples don’t chafe when I go running. Sure, I enjoy rubbing the Neosporin on them afterwards, but overall, raw nipples aren’t fun.

Oh, if only I were rich or in Europe, I would have a bidet. Or even better, if I were rich, I would be wiping my ass with either the finest Asian silks, 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, or $100 bills. Although, now that I think about it, money can be just as dirty as an Amy Winehouse heroin needle and it’s a pain to wash fine Asian silks. I think I’ll settle for two-ply toilet paper.

Unfortunately, the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is only one ply. The one ply is thick, but just like Jabba the Hutt, it choked when around my “Great Pit of Carkoon.” It tore in non-perforated areas often while ripping away sheets from the roll and while cleaning my undercarriage. This is not acceptable because I didn’t want to accidently have my finger slide up into me. If I’m going to have a finger slide into me, I want it to be the finger of someone I paid to do so.

Unless it starts packaging an actual cute wittle doggie woggie with it, I don’t think the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is worth it. It’s one ply, seems to tear easily, is just as soft as the two-ply stuff I get from Costco, and is pricey per roll. The aloe and vitamin E do seem to add less roughness to the toilet paper, but unless you have a bad case of diarrhea or get OCD when it come to wiping your ass, you probably won’t really notice it.

Item: Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E
Price: $6.37 (12 rolls)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cute wittle puppy on the front. Sewer and septic system safe. Aloe and vitamin E do seem to make paper less rough. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Rubbing Neosporin on nipples. Daily Puppy.
Cons: Seems to tear easily. One ply. Pricey for the amount of rolls. Their “double rolls” look like normal rolls. Paying more than $100 to have someone slide a finger into me.

REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl

Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl

The night started off innocently enough. But then again, so did OJ Simpson’s acting career. I looked in the mirror and declared that I would stay cool. You don’t want to do anything crazy at a Halloween party. You never know what can happen once you get going. Or what you will buy.

After hitting the dance floor, I soon found myself with a cute girl in a skimpy tiger costume. After adjusting her beer goggles with a few drinks, I decided to try out a few of my patented moves. I went for the Wisconsin Bulldog and the Orange Creamsicle, but had my hand knocked away when I went for the Magic Bullet. I briefly thought to myself, “Does enjoying this make me a furry?” but then proceeded to get my groove on. I soon realized that I dance the same way I make love…very, very awkwardly.

One thing led to another and I ended up in her place with a massive hangover. I had no idea about what had gone on since we were last on the dance floor.

“Did we…did we do it?” I asked, hoping that I totally did it with her.

“Uhh…no,” she said. “Don’t you remember? You said you’d rather go shopping for food. Kept mumbling something about becoming god of all internet reviewers and the dancing queen.”

“Well, that does sound like something I’d do,” I remarked. “But then why am I naked and handcuffed to the bed?”

“I’m not sure, I left you alone after we came back,” she answered.

Hmm…she had a point. That is how I sleep every night. But I wish she hadn’t seen me like this. After I freed myself, I figured that I might as well raid the fridge. I needed something substantial to keep my head from throbbing. What I found was more than I was prepared to handle…

“Oh…my…god…What the fuck is this?!” I asked.

“I don’t know, I think you bought it,” she replied.

I stared at the box and slowly shook my head. Son of a bitch, I even hate myself when I’m on a drunken food purchase binge! I either secretly want to kill myself or have become such a diabolical genius that I went insane. This bowl was by far the scariest thing I had seen all weekend.

It was an unholy bowl of bacon, eggs, potatoes, and cheese — all mixed together so you can eat it like the failure that Jimmy Dean thinks you are. Did I mention that there’s a lot of fucking bacon in this thing? There’s like a ridiculous, enough-salt-to-melt-an-iceberg amount? I couldn’t really imagine ingesting it, but I didn’t have many options. It was either this or some ramen flavor packets that she had saved up. Seeing as it is Halloween season, I figured that I had a duty to myself and for the fine readers to indulge my morbid curiosity.

This bowl has no practical reason for existing other than as a product of a dare at some marketing department, so I tried to alleviate my fears by thinking the situation through. I’m sure it had to be quality tested. Some tasters actually had to survive long enough to give this thing the thumbs up. And at a mere 8 ounces, it didn’t seem like much of a meal. It couldn’t make me feel that bad, right? This was all before realizing that it would be healthier if I ate a tub of Crisco.

I eventually got around to microwaving this bad boy and watched it rotate for the full 3 minutes. By minute two, the air had been permeated by the nauseating scent of grease and cheese. I opened the plastic film to take in the beauty of the bowl’s contents. Oh, did I say beauty? I meant brain-exploding hideousness. The cheese had ceased to resemble anything appetizing and clung to the eggs like melted plastic. The potatoes had the glossy shine of a mint condition baseball card. The eggs were essentially pieces of yellow Styrofoam tossed together with chopped bacon.

Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl Closeup

This is the breakfast that 8-year-old children cook for their mothers’ birthdays. They fumble around in the kitchen, throw everything together, and then microwave the shit out of it so they can serve breakfast in bed. The mom will take two bites and make an exaggerated “mmm…” sound while vigorously rubbing her stomach. The child will then run off and laugh as she proceeds to dump the contents of the bowl in a trash can and begins to manually induce vomiting.

I tried a few bites. It was strange, but it wasn’t completely awful. Salty, greasy, and stiff, but still kind of edible. I’ve probably had worse breakfasts. I’m not sure why I’d pay $2.99 for this when I could have a small, possibly mentally challenged child make me the same thing at a fraction of the cost. As I was trying to justify my purchase, however, I started to wonder why I was suddenly nauseous.

The back of the box had my answer. Hmm…33 grams of fat, 1490 mg of sodium, 132% of my daily cholesterol allowance. Why don’t they include a complimentary vial of poison while they’re at it? And why exactly is an individual serving of a meal allowed to exceed 100% of something that can kill me? Well, at least it has 2 grams of fiber so I can stay regular after I collapse face first as I suffer a heart attack trying to walk down at set of stairs at school. Maybe I’ll wake up naked in a hospital bed with handcuffs on. That won’t be weird at all.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Bowl – 520 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 395 mg of cholesterol, 1490mg sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 30 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 25% Calcium, and 15% Iron)

Item: Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Stater Brothers
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not completely inedible. The possibility of getting laid at Halloween parties. When children are thoughtful even when they are incompetent.
Cons: Horrible mixture of horrible-for-you foods. Food gets overcooked and therefore stiff after microwave nuking. Enough cholesterol to kill you 1.32 times in a day. Not getting laid at Halloween parties. Waking up naked with handcuffs and not finding it unusual.

Prize Drawing Winners Announced…Finally!

To choose the winners for TIB’s Third Anniversary Prize Drawing I thought about dunking my head into a cooler of ice water and use my teeth to pull out the email addresses of those who entered the drawing. I thought about making a gigantic Jello mold with slips of paper with numbers on them, tying my arms together behind my back, digging through the Jello with only my mouth, and pulling out random numbers. I also thought about stripping naked, covering my body with honey, blindfolding myself, stand in front of a fan, throw the email addresses of those who entered the prize drawing at the fan, causing them to blow in my direction and stick onto my body, and then peeling off the winners. In the end, I decided to do something simple. I just randomly picked numbers out of a hat…naked.

So here are the winners.

$25 Threadless Gift Certificate

Comment 124 – EM
Comment 29 – Cass
Comment 130 – Matt Miller

3 Month eMusic Subscription

Comment 76 – The Lazy Canadian
Comment 95 – Rachel
Comment 106 – Onaka suita!

$30 iTunes Gift Certificate

Comment 161 – Lisa
Comment 113 – Rylan
Comment 182 – luckinflux

Congratulations to all the winners! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Berry Burst Metamucil

Hey, y’all. It’s your girl Britney Spears.

I bet y’all have been hearing some things about me in the media and I just want to say for the record that I did do those things, but I want to let y’all know that I’m trying to live a regular, normal life, y’all. I just want to live a regular life with my mom, dad, little sister, dogs, house, bodyguards, maids, butlers, dancers, publicist, and assistants.

Oh, and my two kids. I kind of forgot about them, since I don’t see them much anymore, y’all.

I-I-I just want to be a regular person, like y’all. I want to know what it’s like to have the wind blow across my skin. I want to know what it’s like to love and be loved…Wait a sec, those would make crackin’ lyrics for another album, y’all. I think I’m going to call this song, “I’m Not Yo Bitch No More.”

Yeaaaaa, I’m not yo bitch no more. What do I need you for? I’m not yo bitch noooooo mooore.

Damn, y’all. I need to get into a studio and record that.

Anyway, because I want to be a regular person, I’ve been trying to eat alot of fiber because I heard eating it will make you regular. But it’s been hard trying to eat alot of fiber because In-N-Out Burgers and martini olives have almost no fiber. So here I am drinking this Berry Burst Metamucil. I tried the orange one first because I thought it was going to taste like Tang, but it didn’t. So I switched over to the berry one because it comes in pink, y’all.

It tastes kind of good. It’s got a flavor and texture like non-hardened Strawberry Jello not mixed well. Just like the pictures of my cooch on the internet, it’s a little grainy. Also, you have to drink it quickly or else it turns into sludge. It taste much better than the orange kind, but most importantly with every drink, I’m getting closer to being regular, y’all.

Actually, I’ve been drinking it for a while now and I’m beginning to feel the effects, y’all. Ever since I started I haven’t shaved off all my hair, I didn’t attack any paps with an umbrella, I haven’t been to rehab, and I didn’t marry some random dude off the street. The paps still take pictures of my cooch, but that can’t be helped. I’ve also been crapping alot for some reason and I dropped my new single, “Gimme More.”

(Supplement Facts – 1 rounded tsp – 20 calories, 5 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.8 milligrams of iron, 5 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, and 100 grams of pooptasticness)

Item: Berry Burst Metamucil
Price: $11.14 (23.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Sugar free. May help lower cholesterol. Better tasting than the orange version. Helps with pooping.
Cons: Fiber from food is much better. Has texture of non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Y’all. Gimme More.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis

Hi, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to learn about sharing. Can you say sharing?

Good job!

Have you ever heard the saying, “Sharing is caring?” Well it’s true, when you share it shows you care. Sharing is fun and cool. Not sharing is bad and evil. Do you know what we call people who don’t share? Take a guess. Poopie pants? No. Meanies? No. People who don’t share are called, “assholes.” Can you say, “asshole?”

Very good!

Here in front of me I have a package of the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, that come with two 1.23-ounce bowls. They’re much smaller than the regular Betty Crocker Warm Delights.

Now boys and girls, because I have two bowls, can I share it with someone? Yes, I can share it with someone. Who should I share it with? It should be someone who deserves or needs it. A friend? Yes. A family member? Yes. An Olsen twin? Definitely. An entire Ethiopian village? Possibly. Women who walk out of Curves? Most definitely.

Now boys and girls, if you were to give a bowl of Better Crocker Warm Delights Minis to a woman who walked out of Curves after a workout, it wouldn’t affect her too much. It has only 150 calories per bowl, but don’t tell her that, because it’s more fun that way. Let the guilt spread and if they feel bad about it, they can conveniently turn around and walk back into Curves to burn it off.

It’s not evil, boys and girls. It would be evil if you gave her both bowls or if you gave her a bowl of each Warm Delights Minis flavor: Chocolate Raspberry Decadence, Molten Chocolate Cake, and Molten Caramel Cake. The important thing is that you shared it with her, and in return she’ll probably share something with you, like a dirty look or a peek at her leopard leotard covered body. Can you say “tacky?”

Great job!

A bowl of Warm Delights Minis is so easy to make that you could do it yourself without parental guidance, and if you understand measurements. Just empty the cake mix into the bowl and mix well with one tablespoon water plus one teaspoon water. Squeeze the topping pouch ten times, cut off corner of pouch, and squeeze four to six lines of the topping over the batter. Microwave uncovered on high for thirty seconds. Let stand for two minutes.

Now boys and girls, you know how the school bully uses their bad body odor and fat ass to overpower you for your lunch money? It’s sort of like how the raspberry topping for Chocolate Raspberry Decadence overpowers the chocolate cake, making it overly tart and a little too sweet. The chocolate topping with the Molten Chocolate Cake is like the shy kid in the back of the room who doesn’t like to stand out and is an average student. It didn’t really make the chocolatey cake any more chocolatey. As for the Molten Caramel Cake, it’s like a B-grade student, because they’re both good and have the potential to be really good, but for some reason they fall short. The cake in all three of them is light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Not bad for something made out of cake mix and a little water.

So remember boys and girls, sharing is caring, and if someone doesn’t want to share, you should call them an “asshole.” If they still won’t share, punch them in the face and say to them, “I just shared my fist with you.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl (varies per flavor) – 150 calories, 3.5 to 4.5 grams of fat, 1 to 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, zero grams of cholesterol, 160 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 25 to 26 grams of carbs, one gram of fiber, 15 to 17 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, very little calcium, very little iron, and 50 grams of sharing.)

Item: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to make. Molten Caramel Cake was the best. 150 calories per bowl. Cake was light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Feeding dessert to women who walk out of Curves. Mini bowls cover my A cup titties well.
Cons: Raspberry topping overpowered the chocolate cake. Chocolate topping didn’t seem to add anything to the cake. Trans fat. Those who wear leopard leotards.

Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips

Fruits can be fresh, frozen, canned, or dried, but thanks to the new Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips I can now eat fruits in a crunchy, processed chip form. If you combine the taste of bananas with the look, size, and crunch of Wheat Thins and the shape of Doritos you would have an idea of what Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are like, or you could look at the picture on the right.

According to the revised USDA food pyramid, I should be eating six ounces of grains, two and a half cups of vegetables, two cups of fruits, three cups of milk, and five and a half ounces of meat and beans every day, but who eats like that? Who eats two and a half cups of vegetables and two cups of fruit everyday?

Most likely, people healthier and skinnier than me.

I don’t even know what a cup of fruit looks like. I was going to educate myself and find out how many slices of bread I need to eat to reach six ounces of grains or how many bananas I need to eat to get two cups of fruits, but the McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal I ate made me sluggish and lazy.

It’s good to have another option when it comes to eating fruit because fruits are a pain in the ass, especially bananas. Fresh fruits, unlike Cher’s face, eventually wilt, rot, or spoil. Picking fresh fruit at the grocery store is also difficult since I get kicked out for smelling, fondling, or slapping fruit a little too much in order to know if they are ripe.

I know that honeydew melon enjoyed it.

I could make my own banana chips by buying some not quite ripe bananas from the grocery store, waiting for them to ripen, cutting them into slices, pulling out my Ronco Food Dehydrator, placing the banana slices on my Ronco Food Dehydrator racks, setting and forgetting my Ronco Food Dehydrator, letting the Ronco Food Dehydrator do its thing, and in a time 1,000 times longer than the time it takes me to walk to the nearest hippie natural foods store and buy banana chips, my homemade banana chips will be ready.

The Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips taste like the banana chips found in hippie natural foods stores, which I enjoy, and just like Lays Potato Chips, prescription painkillers, a roll of bubble wrap, or a room full of balloons with a needle in my hand, once I pop, I can’t stop.

Despite tasting good, I was disappointed that I couldn’t reach my daily recommended amount of fruit by eating only the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips, since a serving of about 16 chips only provides the equivalent of 1/4 cup of fruit.

If you’re too lazy to do the math from eating a McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal, I would have to eat 2/3 of the six-ounce bag in order to eat a cup of fruit or about 64 chips. I’m pretty sure eating a normal banana would be easier, if you eat them quick enough before they start rotting. Also, bananas are an excellent source of potassium and I was hoping that these chips be another good source, but each serving only has 160 milligrams, compared with a medium-sized banana, which has 400-500 milligrams.

Overall, the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are tasty and they’re healthier than other snacks out there, but aren’t as healthy as an actual banana. But if you’re tired of the rotting with fresh fruits; the opening of cans with canned fruits; the thawing of frozen fruits; or the hippie, treehugger images that goes with dried fruits, you may want to give these chips a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce (about 16 chips) – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 160 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 0 grams of banana peel slipping.)

(Editor’s Note: Read more about the Garden Harvest Toasted Chips at the Junk Food Blog. Then go watch the second version of the Hot Dog Dance)

Item: Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips
Price: $3.99 (6-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like banana chips. Crunchy. Recloseable bag. Naturally flavored. Baked with 100% whole grain. Made with actual bananas. Decent alternative for fresh, frozen, canned, and dried fruits.
Cons: Only one-fourth a cup of fruit per one ounce serving. Not a lot of potassium with this banana product. Rotting fruit. The amount of time it takes to dry fruit in the Ronco Food Dehydrator. Getting kicked out of the grocery store for fondling melons. Bananas can be a pain in the ass.