THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 4/11/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I didn’t expect the new Dragonball movie to be under 90 minutes long. I thought it was going to be extremely long and drawn out, just like the anime series, which would take ten episodes to complete one fight scene. (via Pajiba)

From what I read on the internets, kosher colas are supposed to be really good because they use sugar instead of HFCS. Unfortunately, here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean the Jewish population is less than one percent. So I don’t think any stores here carry it. (via BevReview)

There are no winners, only losers, when comparing raspberry flavored jell bars. (via Second Rate Snacks)

Nearly a pound of cheese? Pfff…That’s not an extreme amount of cheese, Papa John’s. Where’s the cheese stuffed crust? Where’s the cheese dipping sauce? Where’s the cheesy bread spread out on top of the pizza like pepperoni? (via We Rate Stuff)

This reminds me of The Book of Bunny Suicides (via Candyblog)

REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

Aww shit! Bawls Guarana G33K B33R is here.
Raise your bumped glass bottle and cheer.
If you’re with a friend, make your bottles clink.
It takes a real geek to handle this drink.

[Interlude 1]
How do you know if you’re a real geek? Well here’s a little test.
Let’s see if you answer any of the questions with a “yes.”

Do you talk trash to 12-year-olds while in Halo combat?
Can you recite Jabba the Hutt’s lines at a drop of a hat?
Do you open up MS-DOS on a 486 to reminisce?
Does construction with Legos give you orgasmic bliss?
Do you have every episode of BattleBots on VHS tapes?
Does your closet contain Batman’s utility belt and cape?
Does your computer case glow with colored LED lights?
Do you download shit thru BitTorrent by the gigabytes?
Do you subscribe and read Slashdot’s RSS feed?
Do you dress up in cosplay before you do the deed?

[Interlude 2]
You don’t do any of those things? Shhhhiiiit.
Well here are a few others G33K B33R is meant for.

Does the name “Caprica” make your naughty parts tingle?
Can you play on your wind instrument the X-Files jingle?
When you roll, do you only do it with a 12-sided die?
Did the trailer for the G.I. Joe movie make you cry?
Do you get hard playing Risk when you takeover lands?
Can you display the Vulcan salute with both hands?
In Borders, do you flip through books with dragons on the cover?
Did someone break up with you because you’re a WoW lover?
Do you call the Lord of the Rings toys on your shelf figurines?
Does Lara Croft sometimes end up in your wet dreams?

[Interlude 3]
Nothing?
Well then, maybe G33K B33R isn’t for you.
So here’s what you’re missing.

The caffeine in Bawls G33K B33R makes it like root beer on ‘roid
I like this tasty beverage as much as Michael Jackson loves little boys.
It gives me a kick but not as hard as other energy drinks I’ve tried.
The high fructose corn syrup it contains makes me sad inside.
Its low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache.
Bawls Guarana G33K B33R makes cheap root beers taste like ass.
It’s got a little bite, but no bitterness from the guarana can be found.
Cuz it’s only ten ounces I can’t pour one out when a homie goes down.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams potassium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(Here are a few other reviews from Canned Reviews, Ed Junkie and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Bawls G33K B33R
Price: FREE
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Sent by Twitter pal Jokeyhaha
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty root beer flavor. Low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache. No bitterness from guarana. Bottle looks like a sex toy. Trailer for G.I. Joe movie. BattleBots.
Cons: Didn’t give me a kick as hard as other energy drinks. Contains only 10 ounces. High fructose corn syrup. Bottle looks like a sex toy.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Sets Up Possible Nerd Rumble With New Star Trek Cereal That’s Similar To A Star Wars Cereal

The new Star Trek Cereal boldly goes where other cereals that promoted movies with the word “star” in them have gone before.

It’s made up of sweetened oat cereal and marshmallows, which were the same ingredients found in 2005’s Star Wars Cereal. These similarities might lead to a confrontation between Star Wars and Star Trek fanatics about which cereal is better, which would be much like the disagreements those nerds have over which movie franchise is superior.

Oh, I can’t wait for the Force-Fx lightsaber replicas and the plastic phasers set to kill to be drawn at each other. All I would need are some Princess Leias in gold bikinis and a few Lt. Uhuras and it would give me a total nerdgasm that would take weeks to recover from.

A 3/4 cup dry serving of the Star Trek Cereal contains 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

REVIEW: Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature's Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Cherry Stripe Fristed Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organ Cherry Chocolate Chripes Strosted Choaster Tastries

Nature’s Path Organ Sherry Chocholate Chripes Strosted Chocho Tas???

Oh! Hello there. I was just trying to say Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries five times in a row as fast as I can. As you can see, it’s quite the tongue twister and now my dreams of becoming an auctioneer have been crushed under the nine words that make up the name of this product.

Oh, I’ve let you down, Mr. John Moschitta Jr.!

The Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries, which I will call NPOCCSFTP for short, is the latest Pop-Tart lookalike from the organic foods manufacturer. The combination of tart cherries and sweet chocolate is a flavor that’s usually found in the candy clusterfuck known as a Whitman’s Sampler, whose multitude of choices has turned me over the years into an indecisive moron. I’m not too fond of the cherry/chocolate combo due to the number of times I’ve wrongfully picked the very tart cherry-filled Whitman’s chocolate, which my mother forced me to eat since I already touched it.

Because of my dislike for the cherry/chocolate combination, I didn’t have high expectations for the NPOCCSFTP, but Nature’s Path made the combination much more palatable than Whitman’s. The organic cherries didn’t overpower the organic chocolate, instead they blended well together because the cherries weren’t too sour. There’s also a little organic pomegranate juice, which I’m surprised didn’t enhance the sourness of the filling. Inside the pastry, the two fillings were supposed to be in alternating stripes, but because they’re both dark in color it’s like two bikini-clad girls in a filthy mud wrestling match where you can’t tell who’s who.

The crust had a grainy texture to it, just like the other Nature’s Path toaster pastry I tried. It’s also a little darker than the other one, so I’m wondering if there’s chocolate baked into it. It toasted up nicely, giving the pastry a nice crunchiness. The dirty white coloring of the frosting was a little off-putting since I demand my white toaster pastry frosting to be brighter than my smile.

Overall, the NPOCCSFTP was better than I thought it was going to be, but I can see people not enjoying it because of the cherry and chocolate combination. Nature’s Path Toaster Pastries are a good alternative, albeit a bit more expensive, for Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts. If you care about eating organic foods, then this would be an obvious choice. But if you don’t care about organic foods and you like toaster pastries with simple, short names like Kellogg’s Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts, then the NPOCCSFTP is probably not the product for you.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries
Price: FREE
Size: 6 pastries
Purchased at: Given by PR Firm
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent cherry/chocolate flavor. Cherry wasn’t overpowering. USDA organic certified. Vegetarian. Uses fair traded ingredients. Mud wrestling.
Cons: Cherry/chocolate flavor might be a turnoff for some. Same nutritional values as a regular Pop-Tart. Only six in a box and pricier than Pop-Tarts. Could make out the stripes in the filling. Off white frosting was a little off-putting. Long name.

NEWS: Wrigley Releases Two More 5 Gum Flavors and Continues The Trend of Giving Them Names You Would Probably Find On A Rave Flyer

Read our reviews of the other Wrigley’s 5 Gum flavors here and here.

Wrigley’s 5 Gum line, which is marketed towards teens and strokes all five of their senses hard, recently got two new additions. The new flavors, Solstice and Zing, joins Lush, Elixir, Rain, Flare and Cobalt in the Wrigley’s 5 line and in the list of names you should not name your children.

The new flavors may have names similar to their older siblings and raves, but their taste isn’t as straight forth. Lush has a fruity flavor, Elixir has a berry taste, Rain is like spearmint, Cobalt has a peppermint flavor and Flare has a cinnamon taste, but according to Wrigley, the new flavors will have a “unique, game-changing flavor experience,” which is marketing speak for it starts out as one flavor and ends up as another. Solstice starts off warm and ends up as a cool winter mint, while Zing begins sour and ends up sweet.

Look for the new flavors at your local convenience store or with all of the other impulse buys lined along the checkout counter at your favorite mega-superstore.

(Note: TIB reviewed the previous flavors. Click here to read the Lush and Elixir review. Click here to read the Rain, Flare and Cobalt review.)

NEWS: Cold Stone Creamery Jumps on the Iced Coffee Bandwagon With a Sweet Litter of Beverages

Last week, Cold Stone Creamery began selling iced and blended coffees made with its proprietary ice cream mixes in five flavors that sound like members of an all-girl pop group: Sweet Cream Latte (the cute one), Vanilla Creme Latte (the shy one), Milk Caramel Latte (the sporty one), Rich Mocha Latte (the spoiled one) and Raspberry Truffle Mocha Latte (the bad one). Each beverage is also topped with whipped cream and decorative sweets, from raspberry to caramel.

These caffeinated coffee drinks sound decadent and they probably are. So if you don’t want to feel guilty after consuming one of these, you can either not drink them or order the “light” versions of them, which use skim milk and have a third less calories.

They will be available at all Cold Stone locations nationwide starting at $1.99 for a limited time. Also, don’t forget, if you leave something in the tip jar they will probably sing to you while making it. And if you take something from the tip jar you will have a little more money to spend.