REVIEW: Ethos Water

I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.

Scenario One – Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.

Scenario Two – Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.

Scenario Three – Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.

Scenario Four – Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.

After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.

Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!

For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.

If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.

Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.

As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.

Five cents worth of good karma.

Item: Ethos Water
Price: $1.85
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Asian Salad

McDonald's Asian Salad

Why are Asian salads so attracted to Caucasian men?

You know, I’m all for interracial eating, but Caucasian men are eating all of the Asian salads and I’m afraid that there won’t be any Asian salad for us Asian guys.

Sure I would totally go for a hot Jewish salad from New York or a Greek salad goddess, but there’s something about Asian salads that stand out, like this McDonald’s Asian Salad.

I don’t know if it’s the juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; perky soybeans; long, sexy snow peas; warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; fiery red bell peppers; glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing; or the small, lickable toasted almonds, but something about it makes me want to instantly go down to its bowl and eat it.

So how do I eat it?

First, I’d bite into those juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; then suck on those perky soybean; spread open those long, sexy snow peas; then stroke its warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; rub the glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing all over; and then lightly nibble on the toasted almonds.

I know how to treat Asian salads right. Just ask the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad. Although we didn’t last and I haven’t eaten it in awhile, it would probably say that it enjoyed the time we spent together and any salad would be lucky to have me eat them. Also, it would probably say that I was great at going down on it and not making a big mess or not using the side of the bowl to wipe my mouth.

Some of the things I would do to make an Asian salad feel special is throw away those cheap plastic utensils that come with it and replace them with the finest salad fork stolen from some expensive, fancy restaurant.

Then I would replace the extremely cheap black salad bowl it came in with an old, expensive China bowl that has been passed down by several generations. At least that’s what the shopkeeper in Chinatown told me before I bought them. But I know for sure they were authentic Asian bowls because on the bottom of the bowls it says, “Made in China.”

See I would totally treat the McDonald’s Asian Salad or any other Asian salad right.

Now some of you might be wondering if all of this effort is worth it for this salad. Well let me tell you that it is worth it because it’s very good thanks to the tasty, glistening low-fat sesame ginger dressing from Paul Newman, which makes me thankful that Paul Newman’s salad dressing career is as successful as his movie career and not like the movie career of Pound Nudeman, worst gay porn actor EVER.

It’s also worth all of this effort because it’s got a slim one gram of saturated fat and 290 calories, but still has a hearty 31 grams of protein and 6 grams of fiber, because I like salads with a little booty. Sure, it’s a little salty, but when I look at those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges they totally make up for it.

Plus, I think one McDonald’s Asian Salad is enough to be a meal for almost everyone, especially Asian guys. But there are some guys out there who are able to have two Asian salads at one time. Those guys are lucky.

I hate those guys.

Item: McDonald’s Asian Salad
Price: $5.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty, low-fat dressing. Hearty salad. Nice mixture of tastes and textures. One gram of saturated fat. Only 290 calories. 31 grams of protein. 6 grams of fiber. Those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Asian salad being attracted to Caucasian men. Nude Poundman’s gay porn acting career. Guys who get to have two Asian salads at one time.

Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub

The six F’s I earned in college…Check.

Owning Carmen Electra’s rap CD…Check.

Getting aroused by a Photoshopped nude image of Rosie O’Donnell…Check.

That experiment involving peanut butter, a microwave, and a body part that rhymes with the word “machinist”…Check.

Oh, hello there.

I’m just making a list of things I want to scrub away with the new Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub. According to its advertisements I’ve seen in magazines and on television, it can scrub away the shame caused by questionable hook-ups.

I figured if it’s powerful enough to scrub away the shame of hooking up with either a female Romanian bodybuilder with more armpit hair than most men, that “woman” met via the “Anything Goes” personals section of a local alternative newspaper, or the “25-year-old” party girl on MySpace who turned out to be a 54-year-old party woman, but partied so hard that she looked 74 years old, it could also help me get rid of all the shameful things I’ve done in my life.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub uses desert minerals and cactus oil to deeply clean and exfoliates to remove dirt, dry skin, and possibly that incident with a mime, monkey, and a bath tub full of mayonnaise.

After using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub for several days, I can’t seem to scrub away the shame of owning the LaToya Jackson Playboy issue or that time I let a dog lick my face for longer than I should’ve and imagined it was Natalie Portman with really overactive saliva glands.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub has not been able to scrub away the shame I accumulated over the years, but I do think its masculine scent will keep away any possible questionable hook-ups, because it just doesn’t smell good. In the bottle, it smells good. All over my body, not so much.

How do I know this?

Well after taking a shower with the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub, I walked over to the convenience store down the street. While there, I passed by a very cute college girl in the candy aisle. Right after I passed by her, she began coughing, like she smelled something bad.

I think I was that something bad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out if it’s possible to use the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub to help me scrub away the shame of using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub.

Item: Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub
Price: $4.39
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s yellow. Desert minerals exfoliate the skin. Nice grippy bottle. Rich lather.
Cons: Like most Axe products, it smells lame. The desert minerals are redundant if you use a loofah. Women possibly won’t like the scent. Probably better repels women than attracts them. My list of things I need to scrub away.

Delta Airlines Snack Pack

The Delta Airlines Snack Pack I recently received on my five-hour red-eye flight to San Francisco was much like the flight itself…nothing really exciting.

My flight consisted of thin, blue blankets, a lot of empty seats, cute 30-something female flight attendants, and Big Momma’s House 2 as the in-flight movie.

My snack pack consisted of a shortbread cookie, buttermilk and herb crackers, a box of raisins, and a small container of spreadable Havarti cheese.

The shortbread cookie was like the thin, blue blanket that greeted me when I got to my seat. Both could’ve been thicker. The thin blanket did nothing to help keep me warm, while the thin shortbread cookie did nothing to help keep me nourished. The cookie lacked the butteriness that most good shortbread cookies have.

It was also dry, like a Jay Leno monologue. However, the cookie did come in a nice design much like Danish cookies. Too bad its taste was passive, much like Danish people.

The buttermilk and herb crackers were like the empty seats on my flight, because there were plenty of them and they all were a little small. Each cracker reminded me of a tiny piece of Italian garlic bread. I tried it plain, but it definitely tasted better with the Havarti cheese that also came in the Delta Airlines Snack Pack.

The raisins were like the cute 30-something female flight attendants because they both had wrinkles (although they were very slight around the eyes of the female flight attendants), they are sweet, they are probably both delicious, and I’d like to take some home with me. The box of SunMaid raisins was the “fun-sized” one and it was definitely the healthiest part of the snack pack.

Finally, the small container of spreadable Havarti cheese was like the movie Big Momma’s House 2. I would never spend eight dollars for a tub of Havarti cheese at the grocery store or spend eight dollars to watch Big Momma’s House 2 at a movie theater.

Heck, I wouldn’t even spend the two dollars to get the headphones so I could watch it on the flight.

Besides, why would I spend eight dollars for Havarti cheese when I can spend 55 cents for the cheese in a Kraft Handi-Snacks Cheese and Crackers, which the Havarti tasted like.

Overall, the Delta Airlines Snack Pack was a decent potpourri of individually-packed goodness. It was definitely better and more substantial than the hard-to-open honey-roasted peanuts that were given to me on previous five-hour red-eye flights.

Item: Delta Airlines Snack Pack
Price: FREE (Airfare not included)
Purchased at: Received free on Delta Airlines Flight 637
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: A potpourri of individually-packed goodness. Better than a hard-to-open pack of honey-roasted peanuts. Lots of empty seats on my flight.
Cons: Thin blanket and thin cookie. Cookie was dry. Spending two dollars for the headphones on a flight. Expensive sounding cheese didn’t taste expensive. Big Momma’s House 2.

Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!

How could you be so politically incorrect, Kellogg’s? How could you call a product Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards?

You don’t see Post or General Mills pulling this kind of stuff.

Actually, it’s something I should’ve expected from you, Kellogg’s, after all you do have Honey Smacks, which has a frog that suggests I dig ’em. I don’t know about you, but a cereal that encourages me to smack some honeys sounds like a very misogynous cereal.

How can you make fun of the mentally challenged? Each day these people make contributions to society just like the rest of us. Sure, they don’t make contributions that involve feeding the hungry, offering shelter to the homeless, or whatever Angelina Jolie does in third world countries and what they do may seem very odd to the rest of us, but they are people just like you and me.

The mentally challenged fill all kind of roles in society, like crocodile hunters, reality television stars, bear wrestlers, naked beekeepers, and all D-List celebrities.

Also, there’s magician David Blaine. Actually, I didn’t want to add the “magician” to his name, because in reality he doesn’t do any amazing feats of “magic.”

All he does is spend large amounts of time in shapes, like a box suspended in air, a block of ice, and a sphere of water. Unfortunately for him, being mentally challenged doesn’t allow him to realize that there are people every day who spend hours in high-rise boxes. They’re called office cubicle workers.

Just because they play with members of the animal kingdom that could possibly kill them, eat bugs for television, do “magic” tricks, or star in movies that get shown on HBO at 2 a.m., doesn’t give you the right to call them Tards, Kellogg’s.

If there’s anything that’s reTARDed, it’s the fact that your Go-Tards can’t be toasted or put in the microwave. They look like Snickers-sized toaster pastries, so they deserved to be put in the toaster. They are filled with strawberry filling goodness and my years of eating toaster pastries has taught me that strawberry filling goodness is much better if it’s warm.

Sure I would’ve preferred to have been able to toast them, but the Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards were decent. They were pretty moist and I think they would make for a good snack. I also think they would be ideal to use as a distraction for the mentally challenged, so that you don’t have to deal with their mentally challenge-ness.

Oh wait…It’s not Go-Tards. It’s Go-TARTS.

I’m sorry Kellogg’s.

My bad. I guess I might be mentally challenged too.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!
Price: $4.00 (10 per box)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not mind blowing good. Snickers-sized bars. 10 bars per box. Strawberry filling goodness. Might be useful as a distraction for mentally challenged people.
Cons: Can’t toast them. Can’t microwave them. My inability to read. Confusing Go-Tards with Go-Tarts. The misogynous cereal, Honey Smacks. David Blaine.

REVIEW: Kraft Easy Mac Cups

Kraft Easy Mac Cups

There’s something about foods in microwavable bowls that are appealing. I guess it’s because those tubby little bastards are just so damn cute.

Roly-poly, if you will.

Look at how cute the Kraft Easy Mac Cup is in the picture above. It makes me was to pinch its cheeks and say things with a lot of vowels in a high-pitched voice, like “goo-goo,” “ga-ga,” “poo-poo,” “wee-wee,” and “meep-meep,” which either makes me sound like I got kicked in the balls or I turned into Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Kraft Easy Mac Cups are so cute that it makes me want to say other things in a high-pitched voice that I know they won’t understand, like “You’re a good little microwavable bowl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You’re so cute, I could eat you all up, and I will after I microwave you for about three and a half minutes in water and stir in the powder cheese sauce. Yes, I will. Yes, I will.”

They also make me want to hug and squeeze them like they were little furry animals, but not too hard, because just like squeezing little furry animals too hard, squeezing foods in microwavable bowls too hard will cause their innards to come out.

You know what else is cute about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups? The cute tiny elbow macaroni inside, which look like albino Snork snorkels.

It seems like almost everything about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups are cute, from the chubby bowl to the ingredient monosodium glutamate. Come on, admit it. “Glutamate” is such a cute word to say in a high-pitched voice.

Glutamate. Glutamate.

The instructions are also very cute and drunken Tara Reid easy. Just pull off the cute lid, pull out the cute cheese powder packet, fill the cute cup with water up to the cute designated line, stick the cute cup in a cute microwave for a cute three and a half minutes, pull out of the cute microwave, add the cute cheese powder packet, stir throughly, and consume cutely with a cute fork or cute spoon.

Besides being cute and easy, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups were also tasty and cheap. Who knew that the kindergarden equation of Powder + A Little Water = Paste would turn into something more cheesirific than the white, bland paste I remember eating years ago, during my artsy paper-mache mask making phase.

However, I have to admit that sometimes being cute isn’t so cute.

I didn’t really care for the cute two-ounce serving size, which wasn’t enough for a meal, not even a cute one. Besides that, the less than one gram of dietary fiber wasn’t enough for me to make a cute toot from my cute tush. Also, the 700 milligrams of sodium was probably enough to make my blood pressure go from cute to acute.

But overall, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups make a cute side dish, a cute snack, or a cute hat for a monkey.

Item: Kraft Easy Mac Cups
Price: $1.25
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Quick and easy to make. Cheesirific. Kind of cheap. Cheesy paste. Makes a cute hat for a monkey.
Cons: Small serving size. High in sodium (700 mg). Low dietary fiber. Beaker constantly getting blown up. Me saying things in a high-pitched voice.