After being tested in California, New York and Ohio markets for more than two years, it looks like the McDonald’s Angus Burger will be expelled nationwide from the sphincter of McDonald’s test kitchens. According to a report in the Chicago Tribune, the one-third pound burgers made from 100% Angus beef could be excreted this fall or possibly during the summer.
The three Angus burgers currently being served at test markets are:
Deluxe – a burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and pickles
Mushroom & Swiss – a burger with sauteed mushrooms and tangy swiss cheese
Bacon & Cheese – a burger with cheese, bacon, red onions and pickles.
Each Angus burger will cost around $4, making it one of their most expensive sandwiches. It’s unknown whether the burgers will be a permanent menu addition or a product available for a limited time, like the constantly-resuscitated McRib.
All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.
I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.
Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.
I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.
Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.
If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.
Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)
Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback Price: FREE Size: 12 ounces Purchased at: Received from marketing firm Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback) Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback) Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.
Hot off the heels of their Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips, Kettle Brand recently introduced their Jalapeno flavored chips, which they describe as, “Striking a perfect balance between fresh, well-rounded flavor and the simple spicy bite of green jalapeno peppers.”
Being a fan of Kettle Brand Potato Chips and jalapenos (I once drank the juice from a jar of pickled jalapenos for two dollars), I’m eager to give these a try. Look for it in grocery and hippie natural food stores nationwide. They will be available in 2 oz., 5 oz., and 9 oz. bags.
A one-ounce serving contains 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 400 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein.
Forget about the YouTube video of former Domino’s employees, Michael and Kristy. Forget about Michael sticking cheese up his nose and putting it on a sandwich he was making. Forget about Kristy reading Tori Spelling’s book, “sTori Telling.” Forget about Michael farting on a slice of salami. Forget about them being stupid enough to put it on YouTube for the world to see. Why should you forget all of this? Because Domino’s recently introduced their new BreadBowl Pastas, which look damn good.
They come in five varieties: Italian Sausage Marinara, Pasta Primavera, Chicken Alfredo, Three Cheese Mac-N-Cheese and Chicken Carbonara. I’m sure these pastas are in response to Pizza Hut’s popular pasta lines. But the big difference between the two is that, while the Pizza Hut pastas come in aluminum trays, the Domino’s pastas come in a bread bowl, like it’s some fancy clam chowder.
Nutritional info is currently unlisted at the Domino’s website. But do you REALLY want to know? They’re available now and prices start at $5.99. For those of you who don’t want to carbo-load with pasta AND bread, the pasta is available bread bowl-free staring at $4.99.
The Kentucky Grilled Chicken makes me feel like I’m in some alternate universe where fast food doesn’t fill your body with large amounts of saturated fat and sodium, everyone uses a Mac and Oprah is the benevolent ruler of the world, occasionally giving her favorite things away to some of her citizens.
It’s a world where everyone recycles and things run on solar power.
Homeless people wouldn’t reek of body odor because they shower.
It’s a place where celebrity nipple slips occur with less frequency.
Singer Amy Winehouse doesn’t look so scary, like a banshee.
It’s a planet where traffic goes smoothly like water through a pipe.
Lots of leg room in coach class on every flight making it a delight.
It’s a place where Simon is nice to each American Idol reject.
Paula Abdul doesn’t abuse alcohol to make herself look wrecked.
It’s a world where phones and people remain quiet through the movie.
Without the need to workout, every man and woman has a nice booty.
It’s a place where Lindsay Lohan is winning Oscar Awards.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t such attention whores.
It’s a planet where everyone has fresh breath the entire day.
You can make a plate for yourself before you leave the buffet.
It’s a place where the Octomom wouldn’t make front page news.
Everyone would know the true sexual preference of Tom Cruise.
But alas, I’m not in an alternative universe because I still have a flat ass and most fast food places still provide food that can slowly kill us. So I’m glad KFC is making an effort to make fast food somewhat healthier with their Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Pieces of the new chicken have between 70 to 180 calories and four to nine grams of fat. It’s significantly lower than pieces of KFC’s original recipe fried chicken which have between 130 to 360 calories and 8 to 24 grams of fat. A drumstick and breast of the new grilled chicken contains 250 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, and 640 milligrams of sodium, which is about the same amounts found in a Lean Cuisine Meatloaf microwaveable meal.
Of course, if you get side dishes it instantly increases the nutritional intake to the normal fast food levels that you know and loathe.
The Kentucky Grilled Chicken is marinated and seasoned with a blend of six secret herbs and spices and is slow-grilled. Its appetizing smell was similar to other grilled chicken I’ve had before. The meat was juicy, tender and really tasty. It doesn’t taste like any of the KFC fried chickens, instead it tastes more like roasted or rotisserie chicken.
However, everything is not perfect with the Kentucky Grilled Chicken. The grill marks on them seem too perfect, making them somewhat unnatural looking, like the breasts of many contestants vying for the love of some B-list celebrity on a VH1 reality show. And, like regular KFC fried chicken, you’re going to need a lot of napkins (or KFC-labeled sanitary wipes) because these grilled pieces of chicken are quite greasy.
Overall, I really enjoyed the Kentucky Grilled Chicken because it’s tasty and I don’t feel so bad after eating it, like I would with a Big Mac Value Meal.
Fast food that’s tasty AND not too bad for you?
It gives me hope that someday, when Oprah rules the world, she will give me one of her favorite things. I’m wishing for either a car or an Amazon Kindle.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 breast – 180 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium and 35 grams of protein. 1 drumstick – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 thigh – 140 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 10 grams of protein. Yes, the long list of nutrition facts is finally over. Yay!)
Item: KFC Kentucky Grilled Chicken Price: $4.99 Size: 2-piece meal Purchased at: KFC Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Juicy, tender and really tasty. Significantly healthier than KFC’s Original Recipe chicken. I would eat these regularly. An alternative universe where Oprah rules the world. When Oprah gives away her favorite things. Cons: Greasy. Grill marks seem unnatural. If you get the meal with side dishes, the nutritional values go up significantly. Unnatural boobs. Excessive napkin use. Amy Winehouse nightmares.
You see what I did in the title? I made up a totally new word, combining the words “coffee” and “delicious.” I don’t have any idea what it means, but if Wendy’s can combine words with their new Frosty-cino Shake, then so can I.
Wendy’s, the home of Old Fashioned Hamburgers with square patties, is also the home of the Frosty, which is quite possibly one of the best desserts any fast food joint with a drive-thru offers. Recently, they added the Dr. Seuss-esque Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty and the Frosty-cino Shake. Both are hand-spun, whatever that means, and is only available at Wendy’s locations in the United States.
Suck on that other countries with Wendy’s locations, while I suck on a large Frosty-cino Shake with 520 calories, 12 grams of fat and 71 grams of sugar! Then I’m going to suck on a Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty that has 540 calories, 20 grams of fat and 69 grams of sugar.