REVIEW: Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles

creamyalfredo

Editor’s Note: We at the Impulsive Buy would like to wish all of our regular readers a very Merry Christmas. We hope your holiday is filled with good times with family and friends.

We also hope it is filled with awesome gifts that you don’t have to return, although most likely you will have to return some because they are either too big or totally lame.

Here at the Impulsive Buy all we want for Christmas is just more stuff to review or gift cards to buy stuff to review.

Finally, as our crappy Christmas gift to all of our readers, we present to you “‘Twas The Day Before Christmas: The Impulsive Buy Edition”

‘Twas the day before Christmas, I had nothing to review.
Holy crap! What the hell was I supposed to do?
I looked in the cupboard, which was almost bare,
Except for a cup of ramen noodles on the top shelf there.

“Oh, hell no,” I said shaking my head with disgust on my face.
Even though I bought the ramen so I could review it in the first place.
Creamy Alfredo Ramen Noodles, I bought it over a month ago.
It was so cheap, it only took 33 cents of my dough.

I boiled water for this ramen flavor I’ve never had before.
Pulled back the lid of the ramen to smell what was in store.
Took a quick whiff and then closed the lid as quickly as I could.
Then I said a quick prayer, got my rabbit’s foot, and knocked on wood.

“People actually eat this stuff,” I couldn’t believe.
It smelled so bad that I let out a few dry heaves.
If I can’t stand the stench, I wonder what eating it would entail.
No wonder it was labeled “Reduced Price for Quick Sale.”

I let it sit for the instructed three minutes, after I added the hot aqua.
But I let it sit for another five, as I prepared to eat something I didn’t wanna.
Taking deep breaths, meditating, and affirmations didn’t help.
“Do it for your readers,” I said to try and encourage myself.

Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles Closeup

I peeled back the lid and looked at the milky white mess.
Ooh, a whole 1,370 milligrams of sodium goodness.
The aroma of the Alfredo Ramen came up to my face.
I had a few garbage cans next to me, just in case.

After a few more dry heaves, I think I was ready to consume.
If it smells bad, it’s gonna taste bad, I was going to assume.
I picked up my fork and gave the Alfredo Ramen a stir.
It really looked like vomit in a cup, I so badly wanted to defer.

The first bite was not bad, but it could have been a total fluke.
I took a second bite, “Oh, man. It was. I think I’m going to puke.”
Tried to force myself to eat a third, but my body wouldn’t take the risk.
I put down my fork, because I had more than enough of this.

I went to the sink and poured the Alfredo Ramen down the drain.
If only the garbage disposal had taste buds, it would know my pain.
After a few spins of the garbage disposal, it was all disintegrated.
But even with all of it gone, I still felt so nauseated.

So I sprang to my car and headed to the nearest drive-thru.
A burger and fries will help me cope with what I’ve just been through.
After eating fast food and getting some rest, I began to feel all right,
Merry Christmas to all and avoid Alfredo Ramen for the rest of your life.

Item: Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles
Purchase Price: $0.33 (on sale)
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Dirt cheap.
Cons: Smells like puke. Looks like puke. Tastes like puke. May make you puke.

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal

peanutbuttertoast

This review WAS going to start off about how I love peanut butter and how I go through a bottle every three weeks.

Then I WAS going to say something about how you may think I like peanut butter because it’s something I enjoy licking off of a woman.

Then I WAS going to say that I don’t like to lick peanut butter off of a woman’s body, because I’ve tried it and the smell of the peanut butter sort of turns me off.

Then I WAS going to say that the only things I’m willing to lick off of a woman’s body are canned whipped cream, pudding, Cool Whip, chocolate syrup, and ice cream.

Finally, I WAS going to say how I’m definitely not willing to lick peanut butter or canned cheese off of any woman’s body, even if it’s Winona Ryder’s.

I WAS going to say all of that, but then I realized that several reviews over the past month have been very sexual in nature. Hmm…Let’s see, there was the cookie porn in the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches review, the phallic nature of the Tootsie Pop Spy Stix review, the viewing of hot corn in the review for Firefox 1.0, and the licking of pudding off of woman’s body in the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding review.

Since I don’t want to seem like a perverted product reviewer, today’s review will be Rated G. It will be a nice and wholesome review. A review that the whole family can read and enjoy…except the beginning part about licking peanut butter off of a woman’s body.

So here it goes.

Today’s review subject is Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal from fine people at General Mills. Yes, it’s the same wonderful folks who brought us the popular and delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal.

I’m surprised by how long it took for them to come up with this inspired idea. Peanut butter toast is something I have long enjoyed. As a matter of fact, I’m consuming some scrumptious peanut butter toast right now as I type this fascinating review.

Despite my affections for the quite delectable peanut butter toast, I do not feel the same about peanut butter-flavored cold breakfast cereals, like Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch. These cereals don’t have an authentic peanut butter flavor, which disappoints me quite dearly. I was hoping that the new Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could overcome this obstacle, which had plagued its predecessors.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could not meet the difficult challenge of appeasing my delicate palate. Its meager attempt at authentic peanut butter flavor fell quite short and has disenchanted me further from peanut butter-flavored cereals.

If there was one thing that I found quite impressive with this cereal it would be the fact that it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. But we don’t buy cereal for its ability to stay crunchy, we buy cereal for its flavor and this cereal, my loyal readers, has greatly disappointed me.

Peanut butter is still magnificent for spreading on toast, but not so splendid for breakfast cereals…and licking off of a woman’s body.

Item: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.09 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk for a respectable amount of time.
Cons: Doesn’t really have an authentic peanut butter flavor. PB not good for licking off of a woman’s body.

Happy Holy Crap It’s Almost Christmas And I Didn’t Buy Anyone A Gift Day!!!

Santa

Sorry there will be no review today, as I make my way to the crowded shopping malls to do all my Christmas shopping.

I must prepare to fight with little old ladies for $5.99 DVDs; find ways to overcome my claustrophobia; try to find the perfect gift, but settle for gift cards; and sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what I REALLY want for Christmas is for him to take his hand off of my ass.

(Just a friendly tip for you Christmas shoppers. If there’s a valet service at the mall you’re going to, take advantage of that sucker, because it’s sooo worth it.)

Oh yeah, I pulled the winners for this month’s prize drawing yesterday. The three lucky winners will each receive one (1) box of Jello Oreo Instant Pudding.

There 3 winners are:

1. Jenny (Ficklewhimsy Jenny)
2. Aymie’s Mom
3. hmw

Congratulations to the winners.

Okay, I haven’t done this in a long time. I’m going to let you vote on what product I’m going to review on Monday, December 27th. I’m going to give you three options.

The product with the most votes will be reviewed and the other two products will be banished to product review hell, where they will never get reviewed.

Here are your three choices:

1. Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak-Stix
2. Subway Toasted Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub
3. Mountain Dew Baja Blast

Voting will end at December 26th at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time).

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Once upon a time there was a chocolate chip cookie named Chips Ahoy, who wondered if there was someone special out there for him. He had dated a few other chocolate chip cookies, like Mrs. Fields, but he felt they were too similar to him. Chips Ahoy wanted someone different, maybe someone with M&M’s or white chocolate chips, instead of the regular chocolate chips he had.

While standing out on the edge of the shelf one evening, he noticed someone on the shelf below him. Chips Ahoy knew that it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie and decided to take a closer look. He climbed down to the shelf below and hid behind a box of graham crackers.

Chips Ahoy slowly peeked out from behind the box to take a look at the stranger.

“Oh my goodness,” Chips Ahoy thought to himself. “She’s beautiful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her big round dark colored cookies and her lovely white creamy center.

Attracted to her beauty, Chips Ahoy came out from behind the graham crackers and walked towards the beautiful stranger.

“Excuse me,” he said to get her attention.

The beautiful stranger turned around and was surprised by the sight of Chips Ahoy. She had never seen a cookie that big before.

“Who are you?” she said as she stared at his crunchy body.

“I’m Chips Ahoy and I think you’re the most delicious cookie I’ve ever seen,” he exclaimed. “What’s your name?”

“M-m-my name is Oreo,” she said excitingly.

Oreo had never heard any other cookie say such a thing to her. His flattery made her heart flutter and she began to fall in love with Chips Ahoy.

He came closer to Oreo and whispered to her, “I have fallen for you and it appears you have fallen for me.”

“But…” she said, as she turned away from him. “As much as we adore each other, we can’t be together.”

Oreo knew that they could never be together, because it was taboo in the cookie world to mix. They would be looked down upon by not only the other Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but also the Fig Newtons, Nutter Butters, Teddy Grahams, and all the others.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Chips Ahoy said as he turned Oreo back towards him.

He looked intensely at her and said, “All that matters is what you and I think.”

Taken by his strong statement, Oreo led Chips Ahoy to a secluded area on the shelf, behind the Pepperidge Farms Goldfish.

Once they were safely hidden, Chips Ahoy grabbed Oreo and began passionately licking her white creamy center. Oreo had never felt anything so good before.

After a few minutes, Oreo wanted to return the favor, so she began nibbling on Chips Ahoy’s chocolate chips. Then things got really hot and heavy between the two of them and crumbs began flying everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: I could be explicit here, but I REALLY don’t want an NC-17 rating for this post. Besides it’s more fun if you use your imagination.)

After that night of passion, Oreo soon learned that she was pregnant.

For nine months, Chips Ahoy and Oreo were afraid of what their child would look like. But when it was born, it turned out to be a beautiful combination of each cookie. It had the creamy white center of Oreo, sandwiched between two smaller Chips Ahoy.

They quickly decided to name their child Chips Ahoy Cremewich.

Then just like a scene from Nature on PBS, they began eating their child.

They were surprised how good Chips Ahoy Cremewich tasted. It was damn good. So good that they wished they hooked up sooner. After they were done eating, they had more hot cookie sex and made more Chips Ahoy Cremewiches.

And that’s how the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches were created.

Item: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Brings together the best of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Damn good. Sometimes all you need is love.
Cons: Formed from intercookie breeding (It seemed so wrong, but yet seemed so right).

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5

Take5

Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?

REVIEW: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology

vtech

Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.

All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls I’ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.

Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was it’s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

So I needed a new phone, but I didn’t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.

To find that phone I went to everyone’s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.

Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).

So what’s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words “smart science people” use, but I’d be boring you with big words like “spectrum,” “frequency,” and “wavelength.”

Instead, I’m just going to say that the “smart science people” state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.

One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY don’t want to listen to someone talk.

Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how they’re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.

While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “Okay.” “That’s funny.” “Say what?” “No way.” “That bitch.” “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isn’t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like I’m in a hallway.

Plus, there’s no speed dial. Instead there’s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.

There’s a big difference, you know.

Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like I’m in a hallway. No speed dial.