Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears

Carb Clever Pears

(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone that’s on fire)

(Phone ringing)

HITLER: Guten Tag.

MARVO: Hey, Adolf, it’s Marvo.

HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! How’s it hanging?

MARVO: Pretty good. So how’s Hell treating you?

HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?

MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.

HITLER: What’s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I don’t like jokes, especially when I’m the butt of the joke. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

MARVO: Um…I’m s-s-sorry.

HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. You’re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?

MARVO: Uh, no.

HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.

(Hitler looks outside of window)

HITLER: It’s hot, like it always is.

MARVO: So hell hasn’t frozen over?

HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: High?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?

MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?

HITLER: Oh, don’t remind me about low-carb foods. It’s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we can’t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…

MARVO: Well I’ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.

HITLER: So far?

MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. They’re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears I’ve had.

HITLER: Get out of here!

MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.

HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.

MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So that’s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.

HITLER: You know, “hell freezing over” is just a saying. You shouldn’t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I would’ve broken my mother’s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.

MARVO: I didn’t have to hear that last example.

HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?

MARVO: Yeah.

HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.

MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.

HITLER: Anyway, so I’ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?

MARVO: Probably.

HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.

MARVO: Bye.


Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I can’t believe it’s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. “Carb Clever” is a lame product name, alliteration doesn’t work well here.

Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup

Carb Request

I remember when my mother first fed me broccoli. It was a warm July evening and the sun was still high in the sky. Because it was still so lighted, my parents left the lights off as we ate dinner.

Being only ten years old and not growing in height as fast as the other children in my class, including the girls, I could not serve myself food, because I couldn’t reach the stove top where the pot of spaghetti sat. My mother took the Sesame Street plate from me and put a large serving of spaghetti on it.

“Eat up and some day you’ll be big enough to serve yourself…” she said to me.

Then she whispered under her breath, “…because I’m not going to serve you forever.”

I thanked my mother and walked to the table. At the table, there was a loaf of garlic Italian bread and a mound of green things that looked like aliens from outer space with gigantic afros. I imagined the afro was what The Great Kazoo’s hair must have looked like with his helmet off, when he wasn’t helping Fred Flintstone.

Sitting at the table was difficult for me because I was so short. I couldn’t reach the garlic Italian bread nor the green things with gigantic afros. Seeing the trouble I was having, my mother placed a slice of bread and a small stack of green things on the edge of my plate.

“What are the green things with the gigantic afros?” I asked my mom.

“It’s broccoli,” she replied, “It will help you grow big and strong…”

Then she said quietly to herself, “…so you can support yourself some day and move out of the house.”

I picked up one of the green things with a gigantic afro and began playing with it. Then I decided to give the green thing with the gigantic afro a haircut like Mr. T’s. After gnawing on the afro for a few moments and spitting out the parts I had gnawed off, I formed the mohawk I wanted. I grabbed a noodle from my spaghetti and wrapped it around the green thing with a mohawk, pretending it was a big gold chain, just like the ones the real Mr. T wore.

“I pity the fool who don’t eat spaghetti,” I said, shaking the green thing with a mohawk. “I pity the fool who don’t eat bread.”

“Stop playing with your food,” my mother said to me.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Because it’s rude to play with your food…” she said.

Then she said as softly as she could, “…and you’ll never find a woman to marry you if you keep playing with your food.”

I looked at my newly created green Mr. T. and said, “I pity the green thing with the mohawk.”

Then I chomped the mohawk off.

From that moment on, I’ve enjoyed broccoli. However, it was much later in life that I realized broccoli would be better with some kind of topping. The topping of choice was melted Velveeta cheese, because it was the only topping I had seen on broccoli, thanks to the Velveeta commercials. Broccoli and melted Velveeta was damn good.

So when I picked up a can of Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup, I expected good things. Unfortunately, I pity the fool who purchased the Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup.

Of course, that was me.

The aroma from the pot I was warming up the soup in turned out to be an accurate indicator of how the soup tasted. It was bland, like the future music offerings coming from celebrity siblings with the last names of Spears, Simpson, and Duff.

The pieces of broccoli were tiny and almost seemed nonexistent with every spoonful. There were big chunks of white chicken meat, although this disappointed the equal opportunity activist in me, hoping that were also big chunks of dark chicken meat.

After all, you know what they say about dark chicken meat, “Once you go dark, you’ll never want to be apart.”

– This was an excerpt from Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup for the Quasi-Product Review Blog Editor’s Soul


Item: Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Big chunks of chicken. I actually enjoy broccoli. Mr. T. looking broccoli.
Cons: Bland. Not much broccoli. No dark meat. Low-carb.

Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream

Keto Triple Whammy

I know. I know.

Why in the world am I reviewing a product that comes from a company that’s no longer in business? (See this review for details)

Well I bought the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream because I wanted to find out if it’s better than Bambi’s Triple Whammy. So I figured, since I tried it, I might as well review it.

So what’s Bambi’s Triple Whammy?

It’s not an ice cream, that’s for sure. I could try to explain Bambi’s Triple Whammy more thoroughly, but I’m kind of unsure of what it is. Unfortunately, I’m blindfolded and handcuffed to bed posts throughout the whole thing, so I’m not too sure what really goes on.

All I can say is that it usually feels really good (although sometimes uncomfortable), it’s waaaay more expensive than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, and I think it’s called a Triple Whammy because it involves Candy and Cinnamon, which aren’t actually candy and cinnamon, but are Bambi’s “friends.”

Also, despite her excessive use of flavored lubricants, Bambi’s Triple Whammy is surprisingly cleaner than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream.

As for the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, it’s low-carb, but high-fat, high-cholesterol vanilla ice cream with pecan toffee crunch pieces and caramel swirls. Plus, for the lush in me, it also contained three grams of sugar alcohol.

Unfortunately, there weren’t many pecan toffee crunch pieces, there weren’t ANY caramel swirls, and it turns out there isn’t a drop of alcohol in sugar alcohol.

Despite these faults, Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream actually tasted pretty good, although not good enough to help Keto rise from the ashes of defunct companies.

I’d like to give a 3 rating for this ice cream, but I have half of a soul, so out of pity, I’m going to give the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream an extra half of a rating.

Hey, when I’ve only got half of a soul (and half of a heart), I can only give half of a rating.


Item: Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Going-out-of-business-cheap. Much cheaper than Bambi’s Triple Whammy.
Cons: Despite what it said on packaging, there were no caramel swirls. High-fat. High-cholesterol. Very little pecan toffee crunches. Not as good as Bambi’s Triple Whammy.

Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles

Borden Kid Builder

(Editor’s Note: The Squeeze Between the Cheese ended up in a draw, so I’ve decided to review BOTH products. So today I’ll be reviewing the Borden Kid Builder Cheese and later this week I’ll be reviewing the Campbell’s Carb Request soup. Enjoy.)

I don’t know exactly how these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles are able to build kids, but I have three theories.

(1) Since each slice of Borden Kid Builder cheese has calcium and six vitamins and minerals (Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin B6, and Zinc ) they’re able to give your already born kids what they need to become healthy.

It helps them grow (or build) into video-game playing, cell-phone owning, MTV-watching spoiled little brats that you want to smack a few times, but you can’t because you’re afraid they might call the child abuse hotline on you.

(2) With each slice of cheese you can build your own kids, sort of like paper dolls, to see if you’re fit to become a parent. You can make them as big or as small as you want. Unfortunately, they aren’t real, so you can’t make them do chores like real kids, but then again, you also don’t have to give them an allowance.

If your cheese kids do chores and you do give them an allowance, you most likely aren’t fit to be a parent because you’re probably hallucinating from the crack you’re smoking.

(3) The Borden Kid Builder cheese could be eaten by adults to enhance human sperm and eggs, so that when your kid is born, they’ll be a lot healthier. I read somewhere that male pornstars drink milk to add some substance to their loads when they blow it.

What does that have to do with enhancing sperm and eggs? Nothing, just a trivial nugget I have stuck in my head that I thought I would never find a use for, but I guess I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t test two of these theories because: (1) I don’t have kids I can feed them to. (2) I’m not willing to impregnate a woman and have a kid. Heck, I can’t even take care of myself, so how can I take care of a kid. Besides, I don’t know of a woman who would be willing to have my children.

Well if I could get my hands on some kids, I don’t know if they would be willing to eat these Kid Builder American Cheese slices, because they tasted kind of funny compared with other American cheeses I’ve had. It sort of tasted like I forgot to take the plastic wrapper off the cheese before I consumed it.

It didn’t even pass the brand spankin’ new Impulsive Buy ultimate cheese test, the Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. It melted nicely like other American cheese slices, but the cheese still tasted as plastic as an anatomically correct Barbie Doll.

Please don’t ask me how I know what an anatomically correct Barbie Doll tastes like.

You don’t want to know.

I don’t know if it was the six vitamins and minerals that added the weird taste of the cheese, but if it did, I’d suggest trying to build a kid in another way, instead of with these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles.


Item: Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Calcium and six vitamins and minerals. Orange-colored. Individually wrapped slices.
Cons: Tastes weird for an American cheese. Didn’t pass the brand spankin’ new Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. Unsure of how it helps build kids.

REVIEW: Wheaties Multivitamin

Wheaties Multivitamin

Oh yeah, baby! A Wheaties pill!

I knew this day would come, but I never expected it so soon. Finally, thanks to science, someone has figured out a way to condense a whole bowl of cereal into the form of a pill. It’s a frickin’ meal-in-a-pill.

It’s a frickin’ scientific breakthrough!

No need for milk, a bowl, a spoon, or a bib. No more soggy flakes. No need to recycle bowls and spoons out of the kitchen sink, because you’re too lazy to wash them. No more wasted cereal because you poured into the bowl milk that expired a week ago.

I can finally bypass the bland taste of Wheaties, but still get all the vitamins and minerals.

Oh, wait…

(Actually reads label)

Dammit! This isn’t a scientific breakthrough. It’s just a regular multivitamin, except it has the word “Wheaties” on it. Maybe I should start reading the labels on drugs before I buy them or stop taking generic NyQuil.

Damn you, generic NyQuil!

Anyway, now that I know the Wheaties Multivitamin isn’t a meal-in-a-pill, I have a lot of questions about it and I’m sure you have a lot of the same questions. So below are my attempts to answer some of those questions.

Question 1: Does it taste like Wheaties?

Answer 1: No, they taste as bitter as any multivitamin, but they kind of smell like Wheaties.

Question 2: Do they get soggy in milk as quickly as Wheaties?

Answer 2: No, they are in tablet form, so I’m going to assume they stay harder than an old man who has had one too many Levitras.

Question 3: In Answer 2, don’t you think it would’ve been better to use Viagra, instead of Levitra, since it’s a name more people recognize.

Answer 3: I think in the context of the sentence, readers will know that Levitra is a boner pill.

Question 4: Will eating Wheaties or taking Wheaties Multivitamins really help me become Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, or a gold-medal winning Olympic athlete?

Answer 4: No. Eating any cereal does not turn people into famous athletes, even if you eat them with steroids.

Question 5: What kind of vitamins and minerals come with each tablet?

Answer 5: I could list them here, but the list is so long and full of words that I don’t know how to spell or pronounce that I would literally blow my mind if I tried, and no amount of generic NyQuil will fix that.

Question 6: What makes these Wheaties Multivitamins different than other multivitamins?

Answer 6: Um, they have the word “Wheaties” etched in each tablet and they’re frickin’ huge. Oh, plus they have Lutein, Lycopene, Green Tea Extract, and Black Pepper Extract. Yes, I said Black Pepper Extract.

Question 7: Do you think my picture will ever be on a box of Wheaties or Wheaties Multivitamin?

Answer 7: If you work hard enough, stay in school, and don’t take drugs, your chances will be slightly better than someone who is lazy, got kicked out of school, and smokes the pipe everyday.

In other words, no way.

Item: Wheaties Multivitamin
Purchase Price: $5.52
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Wheaties, which I think is a good thing. Chock full of healthy stuff I can’t spell or pronounce. Stays hard in milk.
Cons: Typical multivitamin. Not the scientific breakthrough I originally thought it was.

Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Oh Jack in the Box, when will you learn?

You can’t give your food items funny names without them getting teased. First it was Pannido? Now it’s Ciabatta? What are you trying to do, get them beat up?

Well, now that I think about it, it shouldn’t be so surprising coming from Crack in the Box…Oh, wait, I mean, Crap in the Box…I mean, Wack in the Box…

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how poor Ciabatta could be teased:

Hakuna Ciabatta! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Ciabatta! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Or someone could say, “Hey Ciabatta! Where’s Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon?”

If there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to have their name teased it would be me. For example, there’s Marvo the Retardo, Marvo the Bizzaro, Marvo the Lardo, Marvo the Farto…

STOP TEASING ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?!

STOP! STOP! I’M NOT CRYING!!!

NO, NO, NOT A WEDGIE!!!

AAAGH!!!

NO, THOSE AREN’T SKIDMARKS!!!

Oh sorry, I was having a schoolyard flashback.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta is a new sandwich with a grilled chicken breast on a lightly toasted ciabatta bun with reduced fat herb mayo, sliced tomatoes, green leaf lettuce, and red onion slices.

Of course, the highlight of the sandwich is the Ciabatta, a bread with a crispy hard crust and a soft center, which is much like regular Italian bread and my pale body when it’s been out in the sun for too long.

Unfortunately, the Ciabatta bread didn’t add anything to the taste of the sandwich. Neither did the reduced fat herb mayo. At least it’s high in protein, which will help me build some muscles on my pale body.

It’s sure a whole lot easier than shooting steroids into my ass.


Item: Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Ciabatta bread was fluffy, like hair styles from the 1980s. High in protein.
Cons: Pricey. Ciabatta bread doesn’t add to the taste. Reduced herb mayo was bland. Easy name to make fun of. Hakuna Ciabatta!