2006 Holiday Fast Food Prize Drawing!!!

Giving and receiving is plentiful this time of year and is what makes this season fun, except when it comes to illegal campaign contributions, sexually transmitted diseases, and David Hasselhoff albums. The Impulsive Buy is in the mood of giving, so it’s time to hold another prize drawing.

TEN lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a gift card from one of the fast food establishments I’ve reviewed products from over the years, like McDonald’s, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Jamba Juice, Wendy’s, Subway, and Quiznos.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with “Happy (insert favorite holiday here)!” (for example: Happy Kwanzaa!) and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, December 24, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States since the cards are valid only in the US. To TIB’s international readers, I’m sorry.

The winners will be determined by attaching the email of each entry to a golden McDonald’s french fry. All the entries will be placed into the bag that the McDonald’s french fries came in. The contents of the bag will be shaken. Then the first ten entries I pull from the bag will be the winners of the gift cards. The rest of the fries will either be eaten by me, eaten by birds, or given to the crazy homeless guy who yells at everything.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about dlkfjlasjoeroafd. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you a variety of mail order catalogs. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, you receiving a lump of coal, or Santa getting stuck in a chimney.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

Kellogg's Eggo Lego Homestyle Waffles

I’m no civil engineer or architect, but after playing around with these Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles, I can safely say that it’s probably the worst building material EVER.

If you look at the picture below, each waffle can break down into six pieces of Lego. The top of each piece looks like any old Lego piece with eight protruding studs. However, the bottom only has three holes to accommodate those studs, which means there aren’t enough holes for each of those studs. Every stud needs to stick itself into a hole or else it’s not going to be fun.

Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

I don’t know why there are only three holes, because it’s impossible to stick two studs in one hole. Even if I could stick two studs into one hole, since there are only three holes, two studs aren’t going get a hole. Do they expect us to stick three studs into one hole? Now that’s just insane and could lead to some possibly tearing.

It’s also hard to erect anything if the pieces aren’t hard. As you can also see in the picture, I had a huge erect structure that stood tall as long as the pieces were rock hard, but over time they started getting soft and everything just flopped down to the ground, which is totally frustrating for everyone. The only two ways to keep things hard for a little while is to either freeze or toast really well each piece, but either way, pieces will get soft eventually.

The shape of each waffle also doesn’t make it ideal for syrup. As we all know, normal waffles have deep grooves which can hold syrup, but the Lego Eggo Waffles have a shape that does the opposite. Sure you could flip the Lego Eggo Waffles over and shoot some syrup into those tight holes, but again, there aren’t enough holes to prevent the syrup from rolling off the waffle.

Thankfully, at least it tastes like a normal Eggo Waffle, but still, it does a horrible job of being a syrup sucking waffle and a Lego piece.

Although there are some advantages to using Lego Eggo Waffles as building material and I wrote a short song/poem about one particular advantage.

If walls were made out of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you.
No wall or fence could keep me away, I’d be your Romeo or your boo.
I would nibble away at your wall to make a hole to watch sleep my dear.
I would eat a little more of your wall to pretend I was nibbling on your ear.
The Lego Eggo Waffles are so light, I can lift them up with little power.
So when you’re in your bathroom, I can watch you when you shower.
After you’re done in the shower, I can grab your hair collected on the floor.
I’ll sniff them like I do with the underwear I stole that you already wore.
When you’re not at home, I’ll eat my way through a Lego Eggo wall.
Then try on your sexy black dress, but on me it’s way too small.
I’ll search through your trash to find something that catches my eye.
There’s a tube of lipstick and a used toothbrush I can add to my shrine.
Sure one day I’ll get caught and be sent to a maximum security facility.
But it’s also made of Lego Eggo Waffles, so soon again I’ll be stalking thee.

Item: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Eggo Waffles. If walls were made of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you. If you don’t use the holes and studs, you can build a structure.
Cons: Worst building material EVER. Not enough holes for all the studs. Need rock hard pieces to erect something. Stalking is bad.

REVIEW: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak

(Editor’s Note: Please do not attempt this at home. I am a professional stupid person. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any accidents, injuries, deaths, or gum in hair due to attempting this stupid act.)

You would think that after deep throating a banana for a review, I would be able to easily stick in my mouth the sixty pieces of gum in an Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPack. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy.

I also thought it would be easy to do because chewing on sixty pieces of gum is as impressive as anything David Blaine has done. Actually, the chewing of sixty pieces of gum at one time is probably more impressive than anything he’s done.

Originally, I thought I would pop a piece of gum into my mouth one by one each minute like I was Rush Limbaugh with painkillers. Unfortunately, after ten minutes of popping gum into my mouth, I wasn’t feeling very well.

I spit out the ten pieces of chewed gum and drank some water. The cool liquid surprisingly burned my throat a little. I think the excessive minty flavor of all that gum was probably the reason for that. My slightly burnt throat kind of freaked me out, but at the same time I knew my breath was extremely minty fresh and I wished I had a beautiful woman to make out with…as long as she didn’t try to stick her tongue down my throat, because that might burn a little.

Instead, I had to settle for my pillow.

Giving up my quest to chew an entire container of the Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak was something that crossed my mind, but I’m not a quitter. I may be a wuss, I may own a pink striped shirt, I may not have had the balls to ask out the hot girl at work out on a date until it was too late because I didn’t want to be the rebound guy, and I may listen to Harry Connick Jr., but I’m not a quitter.

The following night, I decided to finish the rest of the gum, but took a different approach. Instead of popping one piece after another, I decided to chew five at a time. Then when it’s well chewed I would place it in a bowl to chew on later, then put five more pieces of gum into my mouth. I would repeat the process until all the gum was gone.

But even this process was like I was running in a marathon, I may be in pain and I really want to stop, but it’ll be so sweet when I cross the finish line. Actually, I have no idea what it’s like to run a marathon, half-marathon, quarter-marathon, or even make a run for the border for Taco Bell.

Eventually, I was able to get through all fifty pieces and form a giant wad of gum, which you can see in the picture above. The wad was roughly the size of my iPod nano, but I was able to stick the whole thing in my mouth. With so much gum, I couldn’t blow bubbles with it, but since it was so large, there was enough gum to form objects and I could’ve made a holiday claymation special with the sticky and slimy Play-Doh-like substance.

While chewing on the huge wad and thinking of what my chewing gum claymation special would be about, all the minty goodness from the gum made me nauseous so I spit it out and threw it away. Or the nauseous feeling could’ve been from all of those pictures of Britney’s crotch I was viewing while chewing the gum.

Item: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 60 pieces of gum. Freshens breath. Cheaper than buying five packs of regular Eclipse gum to get sixty pieces. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. A claymation special using chewing gum.
Cons: Chewing 50 pieces of gum at one time. The burning sensation while drinking water that was caused by the excessive minty flavor of the gum. Seeing Britney’s hoo hah way too many times. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. Making out with my pillow.

REVIEW: Shirakiku Microwavable Rice

Today’s review is all about helping my fellow rice-eating Asian brothers and sisters with keepin’ it real.

Are you the only Asian in your town and every time you’re at a party the only starch available is either potatoes, pasta, or bread?

Sure, you’ll scoop some mashed potatoes on your plate, but deep down, you really wish those potatoes were the OTHER white starch. You also don’t want to shovel those potatoes in your mouth, because your rice farming ancestors are probably watching you and waiting to see if you keep it real.

Sometimes your non-Asian friends will make Uncle Ben’s rice to accommodate you, thinking rice is rice, and on the outside you’re appreciative, but in the inside, you know that Uncle Ben’s rice will not suffice. It’s just not the same.

Then sometimes some drunk dude at the party will ask you if you can introduce him to some Asian chicks because he heard they were “tight” and will “love me long time.” Then another person will ask if you know karate, judo, kung fu, or any other of the Asian martial arts. Someone will ask you if you’re related to Jackie Chan and you’ll say you’re not, then correct them by saying your last name is Chen, not Chan.

Then some random woman will come up to you and say that she really enjoyed reading The Joy Luck Club and the movie version made her cry. Then some REALLY drunk dude will want you to apologize for Pearl Harbor. Someone else will ask you if you can solve a math problem for them.

Then an older woman will want to know if Calgon detergent really is an “ancient Chinese secret.” Some creepy guy will quietly ask you where he could get his hands on some “Japanese monster tentacle sex cartoons.” Another person will talk with you about how much they love their Toyota Camry. Then another drunk person will wonder how comfortable those “thongs” are that sumo wrestlers wear.

I can’t help my fellow Asians with any of the situations described in the last three paragraphs, but I can assist them with making their rice farming ancestors proud of them for keepin’ it real with the Shirakiku Microwavable Rice.

Each container contains 7.05 ounces of rice, which is enough for two meals, unless you’re a sumo wrestler, then it’s an appetizer. It also contains 318 calories, 71 grams of carbs, 0.4 grams of fiber, and 5.6 grams of protein. The rice itself was very good, it was fluffy and sticky, just like the way I prefer my cotton candy, but not too fluffy and sticky, just like the way I prefer my strippers.

It was also surprisingly better tasting than anything I’ve ever made in a normal rice cooker, which either says a lot about this product’s quality or says a lot about how much my rice cooking abilities suck.

The best part of the Shirakiku Microwavable Rice is the fact that it’s really quick and easy to prepare. Just pull back the lid a little and then heat it in the microwave for about one minute. If you’re old school or afraid the microwave’s radiation will mess with your DNA, you can also prepare it on a stove top by heating the container in boiling water for about 14 minutes.

Well I hope today’s review will help my fellow Asians get out of a rice-less situation with ease. Sure, carrying a container of Shirakiku Microwavable Rice in your purse or jacket pocket is a pain the ass since the container is about an inch thick, four inches wide, and eight inches long, but just think of the smiles you’ll receive from your rice picking ancestors when you meet them after you die.

Item: Shirakiku Microwavable Rice
Price: $1.39
Purchased at: Uwajimaya – Seattle
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to prepare. Better than the rice I cook. Fluffy and sticky. No need to add water. 5.6 grams of protein. Enough rice for two meals, unless you’re a sumo wrestler. Keepin’ it real.
Cons: Pricey if you compare it to a 20-pound bag of rice, which goes on sale for $5-$6. Not for people on the Atkins Diet. Packaging isn’t very compact.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water

(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)

Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.

Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.

Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.

Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.

Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.

Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.

Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”

Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.

Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.

Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,

Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.

Oh, those were the days.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.

Quick Survey

I’ve been thinking about changing the Impulsive Buy a little bit.

For years, I’ve been doing a long format review, which was great when I was unemployed, had no girlfriend, and had no life, because I could post three or four reviews a week. But now that I’m employed, still have no girlfriend, and still have no life, it’s been hard to post more than two reviews a week.

I try so many products every month and get many requests to review a number of products, but at a rate of two reviews per week, it’s impossible to review everything I buy. In order to change this, I’ve been thinking about doing much shorter reviews, perhaps less than half as long as they are now.

But I’d like to know what you folks think. Should I stick to the long format and continue to have two reviews a week or should I try doing significantly shorter reviews and possibly have 3-5 reviews per week.

Please let me know in the comments.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!