Damn you, VH1â€™s I Love the 80s and I Love the 90s for sticking in my head those songs that Iâ€™d like to forget. But now theyâ€™re stuck in my head and I have the urge to buy them.
Iâ€™m a Barbie Girl/In the Barbie world/Life in plastic/Itâ€™s fantastic/You can brush my hair/Undress me everywhere/Imagination/Life is your creation/(Come on, Barbie, letâ€™s go party!)
See what you started, VH1!
Thank goodness for the iTunes Gift Card I got as a gift for Christmas. With it I can download those songs from iTunes without wasting my own money. Iâ€™d use my own money to buy some Green Day, Beastie Boys, Mozart, or Def Leppardâ€™s Greatest Hits, but you wouldnâ€™t catch me using my own money to buy â€œInformerâ€ by the white Jamaican-wannabe rapper, Snow.
Informer (something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down/(something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down
Maybe if I download them and listen to them enough, Iâ€™ll get really sick of them, like I did with the U2 song â€œVertigo.â€
Oh crap, actually, I remember that plan didnâ€™t work out the way I thought it would. It turns out that I really do like that song, I even bought the live version on iTunes. Anyway, that song is totally worth spending 99 cents, unlike Vanilla Iceâ€™s â€œIce Ice Baby.â€
All right stop, collaborate, and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention/Something grabs a hold of me tightly/Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly/Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know/Turn off the lights and I’ll glow/To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal/Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle/Dance, go rush to the speaker that booms/I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom/Deadly, when I play a dope melody/Anything less than the best is a felony/Love it or leave it, you better gain way/You better hit bull’s eye, the kid don’t play/If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it/Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it…
OH MY GOD! I apparently know the whole DAMN SONG!!!
Now I think one of the problems of downloading these one-hit wonders with an iTunes Gift Card is the chance youâ€™ll get caught with them on your computer or iPod. I donâ€™t want to imagine the embarrassment Iâ€™d feel if someone found me listening to Billy Ray Cyrusâ€™ â€œAchy Breaky Heartâ€ on my iPod, while poorly attempting to do some kind of line dancing.
But donâ€™t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/I just donâ€™t think itâ€™d understand/And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/He might blow up and kill this man
I also donâ€™t want to imagine the embarrassment of getting caught posing topless in front of the mirror, flexing what little muscles I have, and rubbing my nipples, while listening to Right Said Fredâ€™s â€œIâ€™m Too Sexy.â€
Iâ€™m too sexy for my shirt/Too sexy for my shirt/So sexy it hurts/And Iâ€™m too sexy for Milan/Too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan/And Iâ€™m too sexy for your party/Too sexy for your party/No way Iâ€™m disco dancing
DAMMIT!!! Why do I remember all these lyrics!?!
Actually, now that I think about it, I donâ€™t even know if itâ€™s worth using the iTunes Gift Card to download these songs, maybe Iâ€™ll just download them the old-fashioned way…when the RIAA isnâ€™t looking.
Item: iTunes Gift Card
Purchase Price: FREE (Given as gift)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Makes a great gift. Allows you to buy one-hit wonders you wouldnâ€™t dare spend your own money on.
Cons: Useless if you don’t have iTunes. Possibility of getting caught rubbing nipples topless in front of mirror. My ability to recite all the lyrics from Vanilla Iceâ€™s â€œIce Ice Baby.â€
Over the years, I’ve probably eaten my body weight in Lucky Charms. Also, I’m probably at my current body weight because of Lucky Charms.
Nevertheless, it’s probably one of my favorite cereals of all time, not only because of its marshmallow goodness, but also because I believe there’s a slim chance that Lucky Charms will someday bring me good luck.
With all the Lucky Charms I’ve eaten, I’m expecting enough luck to last me for the rest of my life. Oh how great it would be to have that much luck.
I imagine a life where I would find twenty dollar bills on the ground every day, hit a jackpot on each slot machine lever I pull, marry a supermodel/doctor, and sleep on the finest leopard-print Chinese silk sheets around.
Now I have to admit, I wanted that luck to come to me soon, because I didn’t know how long I could keep eating Lucky Charms. When you’ve eaten your body weight’s worth of it, you tend to get tired of them, including all the green clovers, purple horseshoes, blue moons, rainbows, and whatever other marshmallows they have.
However, this boredom with Lucky Charms stopped, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at. There I saw the most titillating thing I’ve ever seen. It was so heavenly that you should’ve seen my eyes light up, like a teenage boy flipping through an issue of Playboy that he stole from his father’s “secret” stash, when my eyes gazed upon the boxes of Chocolate Lucky Charms on the shelf.
I picked up the box and stared at it, like I had found the Holy Grail of Cereals. Then I turned the box over and read in big, bold letters, â€œThe Secret is Out!â€
Then I thought, â€œSecret? Out? Holy crap! Lucky the Leprechaun is GAY!â€
Well I read the rest of it and it turns out that he’s not, but my gaydar says he is. Come on, rainbow marshmallows?
So what’s Chocolate Lucky Charms?
Imagine combining the marshmallows from Lucky Charms with the cereal part from Count Chocula. That delicious combination gives us Chocolate Lucky Charms, or what I’m now calling, â€œHeaven in a Bowl.â€
It’s so good, I can’t contain myself.
Oh my goodness, the marshmallows!
Oh my goodness, the chocolatey milk!
Oh my goodness, why didn’t they come up with it sooner?
Oh my goodness, I ate a whole frickin’ box in two days!
Oh, those geniuses at General Mills. I would kiss them all on the lips, if they were all in my room, if I weren’t munching on a mouthful of Chocolate Lucky Charms, and if they were all women.
But for that to happen, I’d have to be lucky.
Item: Chocolate Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: DAMN good. Made with whole grain. Chocolatey milk. Marshmallows.
Cons: No luck, despite the pounds of Lucky Charms I’ve eaten. Why didn’t they come up with this idea sooner? Lucky the Leprechaun is still in the closet.
OH. MY. GOODNESS.
What a battle we had between the Mexican Mercenary and the Italian Stallion!
At first, it seemed like the Italian Stallion would win, thanks to the efforts of the Stallionâ€™s tag team partner, Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket, who came in and socked the Mexican Mercenary with a metal folding chair when the referee wasnâ€™t looking.
However, the Bacon, Egg & Cheese Lean Pocket came to the rescue of the Mexican Mercenary and slammed the Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket through the announcers table and then hit the cheater right in the meatballs with another metal folding chair.
The Mexican Mercenary eventually pulled away and finished off the Italian Stallion with his signature move, the Jalapeno Popper.
So what did the winner get?
It received the same prize as the loser, a trip to my stomach.
Now I donâ€™t know if itâ€™s because I ate this and totally screwed up my taste buds, but I swear the Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla tasted like a BEEF taco.
Not like a Taco Bell/Del Taco/Taco Time (circle one) beef taco, more like those really crappy beef tacos that were served in my elementary school cafeteria or the ones I attempted to make at home after watching one too many Food Network specials about Mexican food.
Iâ€™m not too sure why it tasted like a beef taco, but my guess has something to do with the three cheeses stuffed into this Lean Pocket, which are cheddar, mozzarella, and blue cheese. Thatâ€™s a lot of cheese.
Ooh, dare I say, an orgy of cheese?
You know what? I think they would sell a ton more of these if they renamed it to Lean Pockets Three Cheese Orgy & Chicken Quesadilla.
Anyway, I guess I shouldâ€™ve expected the weird taste coming from a low-fat product, since that usually is the case when companies try to make healthier versions of food thatâ€™s normally bad for you. But you got to give credit to the Lean Pockets, who try so hard to be like their older sister, the original Hot Pockets.
Unfortunately, the Lean Pockets will always be known as the Hot Pocketsâ€™ less talented and less beautiful, younger sister, who also has a tendency to lip sync.
Item: Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla
Purchase Price: $2.25 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Low fat. Three frickinâ€™ cheeses! Itâ€™s an orgy of cheeses! Excellent source of calcium, protein, and fiber.
Cons: Tasted like beef tacos, which would be a good thing, if there was actually any beef in it. May not be liked by those who donâ€™t approve of orgies. Less talented and not as pretty as original Hot Pockets.
The ONLY things I like to put on top of my popcorn are salt and artery-clogging buttah. Call me a purist. Call me vanilla. Call me Plain Jane. Call me your daddy. I just like my popcorn that way.
Recently, while checking out chips in the snack aisle, my peripheral vision noticed the new Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn.
“Oh, dude, that sounds gross,” I thought to myself.
Then I thought, “Gross enough to be the PERFECT item to review.”
The popcorn is flavored with a cinnamon buttah and comes with a pouch of Cinnabon frosting, which you pour on top of the popcorn. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Of course, I could think of another use for that Cinnabon frosting, but I don’t have a lady-friend at the moment.
The first thing I noticed after opening the box was the fact that there were only TWO bags in the box. This surprised me because I could’ve sworn most boxes of microwave popcorn have four bags.
Anyway, after sticking a bag in the microwave and not burning it, I have to say that this is the first product EVER that originally made me nauseous, but I learned to love. Um, sort of like, Celine Dion.
Oh, wait. It’s the other way around. I loved Celine Dion, but I eventually became nauseous of her.
No, no, no, that’s not right. Um, Celine Dion has always made me nauseous?
Oh yeah, that’s right, she has.
Anyway, while the popcorn was popping, the cinnamon aroma of it filled the room and made me a little nauseous. However, after I added the Cinnabon frosting and began chowing it down, I felt a lot better. I guess this was due to the fact that the popcorn was actually pretty good and I couldn’t stop eating it.
Thank goodness for the show Strange Love on VH1. Seeing Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav’s naked bodies instantly made me nauseous again and stop eating.
Because it was a Cinnabon-related product, I was hoping for a gooey mess, but all I got were Cinnabon-smelling fingers, which turned out to be frustrating.
Hours after eating the Cinnabon Popcorn, despite washing my hands several times, my fingers still smelled like Cinnabons. Although, during those several times, I did use the cheap stuff (i.e. generic Wally World hand soap).
However, when I used the good stuff (i.e. Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash), which I only use for special occasions, the smell was replaced with the aroma of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.
I wonder how many times I would have to type Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash to get free stuff from Method?
Item: Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: ONLY TWO BAGS IN A BOX. Not as sticky or messy as actual Cinnabons. Originally made me nauseous, but they are damn good.
Cons: Smell lingers on your fingers, unless you use Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash (Come on! Send some free stuff, baby!). Celine Dion and Strange Love (shutter).
Ladies and gentleman, Iâ€™d like to welcome all of you to the Battle of the Lean Pockets, or otherwise known as the â€œMelee in the Microwave.â€
Now Iâ€™d like to introduce our gladiators.
In this corner, weighing in at nine ounces, packing seven grams of fat and 280 calories, known by his opponents as the Mexican Mercenary, here is the Three Cheese and Chicken Quesadilla Lean Pocket.
His opponent in the opposite corner, weighing in at eight ounces, packing six grams of fat and 200 calories, his nickname is the Italian Stallion, here is the Supreme Pizza Ultra Lean Pocket.
If youâ€™re a regular Impulsive Buy reader, you can probably guess that weâ€™re having another product election today. Iâ€™ve been sitting on these Lean Pockets boxes for the past month and Iâ€™d like to get rid of them, but I donâ€™t want to review both of them. So Iâ€™m going to let you folks decide which one I’m going to review.
To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice, either the Three Cheese and Chicken Quesadilla Lean Pocket or the Supreme Pizza Ultra Lean Pocket.
Iâ€™ll be accepting votes until Friday. On Monday, Iâ€™ll post a review of the winning Lean Hot Pocket.
So letâ€™s get ready to rumble.