REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola

Kelley 14 Comments

Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola

The Kellogg’s Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola was inevitable, which is unfortunate. If you break it down, you’ve got two food innovations (I use the term semi-sarcastically) that came together in a perfect storm of potential horror.

On the one hand, you’ve got the gourmet pizza movement, which cropped up a few decades ago. Based entirely on shit someone told me with no empirical evidence, Wolfgang Puck made the first gourmet pizza, so you can blame him for shit like cream cheese smoked salmon pizza and foie gras pizza and god knows what else. I also blame, again, with very little evidence, California Pizza Kitchen for bringing gourmet pizza to the masses, with creations like cheeseburger pizza and Pear & Gorgonzola pizza. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some gourmet pizza and non-traditional toppings. One of the little local pizza joints in my town has a $10 large unlimited topping offer that I abuse on a regular basis to create my own monstrosities. White pizza with a butter parmesan crust with double green olives, feta, onion, tomatoes and artichoke hearts, anyone? I wouldn’t be surprised if they take that deal off the table because I’m single-handedly putting them out of business.

The other part of this equation is the recent explosion of breakfast frozen food products. I don’t know when this started – maybe it’s been around for quite a while and I just never noticed – but I seem to remember a time when, if you wanted a breakfast frozen food, you grabbed yourself a box of Eggo waffles and shut the fuck up about it. Now you’ve got crazy options, from sausage Mcmuffins to bowls with all your shit thrown together to…whatever in God’s name this is.

My point, quite obviously by now, is that Eggo took these two concepts, herded them into a small pen, watched them do the nasty, and what came out a couple minutes later (food gestates quickly) was the Eggo Real Fruit Pizza. They wiped off the amniotic maple syrup and disgusting globs of strawberry jam and said, “I think we’ve got something here.” Kind of like how my friends think their newborn babies are cute, and I think they look like horrible aliens.

I hadn’t noticed this before, but there’s a strange purple sauce-like substance underneath the toppings. Ugh, is that supposed to be yogurt? I am not looking forward to having hot yogurt in my mouth. I’m also not comfortable with that sentence.

The instructions are simple: unwrap the pizza, flip the box over that it was resting in, set it on the silver circle on the back of the container, and throw it in the microwave for a minute to 1 1/2 minutes. I split the difference, and stuck it in there for 1 1/4 minutes. It was still a little cold in the middle, so I stuck it in for the extra 15, but my microwave is also a piece of shit, so bare that in mind. Waiting a minute and a half for a quick breakfast when you’re on the go is a little impressive. It takes me longer to smear cream cheese on a bagel. I have some pretty strict rules about cream cheese.

Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola

It actually smells pretty good coming out of the microwave. It smells like a bowl of oatmeal that has berries and granola in it – warm and inviting, something you’d want to eat on a cold, snowy day. Unfortunately it’s 106 and humid right now where I live, but I’ll close my eyes and use my imagination.

There’s obviously blueberries going on, scattered about the top of the pizza, shriveled up as they tend to do when cooked. They’re distributed nicely, but I would have liked to have seen a few more of them.

I don’t see any other recognizable berries, but there’s some red glop haphazardly strewn over the top. I took some off and tasted it by itself, and it tastes like they took some raspberries and turned them into a puree. It’s definitely real raspberries; it’s got that delicious tartness of the berry and I even got some seeds stuck in my teeth, which is the one thing that annoys me about raspberries. But I welcome them here, since they offer proof of real berry, unless Eggo spent millions of dollars attempting to create a facsimile of raspberry seeds to fool consumers. Probably a lot easier just to throw some berries in a blender and hold true to their claims of “real fruit.”

The dreaded yogurt sauce was nothing to fear after all. It’s very thin, and when I tasted it on its own, it had the faint flavor of mixed berry yogurt, but it was very mild and inoffensive. The granola is spread generously on one side of the pizza, but tapers out until there’s barely any on the other side.

I was truly surprised to see that the crust wasn’t actually a waffle. If I’d look more closely at the box, I might have figured it out, but my mind associates “Eggo” with “waffles” so decisively that I just assumed that would be the case. Instead, the dough of this “pizza” seems to be made out of wheat. It looks like a thin crust pizza crust, except darker. Unfortunately, it’s tasteless, soggy and way too chewy. I’m not even really sure what to call it. Wheat…pizza crust…thing. Except it tastes more like a bland PowerBar than a pizza crust.

There seem to be two fundamental problems with the Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola: sogginess and poor topping distribution. The crust and the granola were both way too soggy. Perhaps it would have turned out better if I’d cooked it in the oven, but if you’re eating fruit pizza for breakfast, you either don’t have time to wait for the oven to preheat, you’re a college student who doesn’t even own an oven or you’re young enough that you’re not allowed to use the oven.

As far as the toppings go, the mysterious purple sauce was thin to the point where in some places, you could see bare patches of crust. The raspberry puree, which I think is the best part of this item, is strewn halfheartedly across the pizza, globbed up in some places and simply nonexistent in others. The granola is piled high on one half the pizza, but peters out into scattered flakes.

I have to say, I expected this whole “fruit pizza” thing to be a horror show. Instead, it just left me disappointed. If done correctly, it would have been quite tasty. A less chewy, less soggy, more flavorful crust, coated thickly with the delicious raspberry puree, a generous layer of crispy granola, and piled high with blueberries, would have actually been something that I’d consider spending 1 1/2 minutes nuking in the morning for a quick breakfast. Unfortunately, that’s not what the Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola really is, so I think I’ll just stick with real pizza for breakfast. That box of double green olives, feta, and everything else pizza that’s been sitting out on the counter all night looks pretty good right now.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 individual-size pizza (5.3 ounces) — 390 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, , 62 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugars, 10 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 8% iron.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Real Fruit Pizza Mixed Berry Granola
Price: $1.67 (on sale; normally $3.29)
Size: 1 individual-size pizza (5.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Raspberry puree was delicious. Taking advantage of unlimited topping deals. Quick and easy to make. Purple sauce was not scary.
Cons: Soggy, tasteless crust and soggy granola. “Hot yogurt in my mouth” making me uneasy. Uneven and sloppily applied toppings. Just the idea of fruit pizza making me shudder. 46 percent of total fat was saturated fat on what appears on the surface to be a healthy food item.

REVIEW: Pillsbury Sweet Moments Chocolate Fudge Molten Lava Brownies

Marvo 11 Comments

Pillsbury has been the champion of making baking easier with their pre-made cookie dough. And they have been the thorn in the side of fat, pale people everywhere who get poked in the stomach by their friends who hope to make them giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Now Pillsbury has completely taken the “aking” out of baking by introducing their new Sweet Moments line of products, which consists of bite-sized, ready-to-eat brownies in a bag and their microwaveable molten lava brownies.

If you saw my pale belly that’s been poked several times by my friends to try to make me giggle, you might be able to tell I enjoy molten lava cakes and their gooey warm innards. Unfortunately, these Sweet Moments Chocolate Fudge Molten Lava Brownies don’t have gooey warm innards. Instead, there’s a layer of chocolate fudge that sits on top of the brownie, looking like smooth pahoehoe lava. This is extremely disappointing and it hurts me like I’m walking on jagged ‘a’a lava.

While there’s no baking involved, the instructions call for the brownie, and the four-inch bowl it comes in, to be warmed up in the microwaved for 15 seconds. I put mine in for 20 seconds. When I pulled it out, the bottom of the brownie was warmed perfectly, but the top crust and top layer of chocolate were still on the cold side, making the molten lava part of the dessert not at all molten.

If you prefer your brownies chewy, like I do, you won’t enjoy the way the brownie turns out, which is a lot more cake-like. Although, if you don’t warm it up at all, it’s a lot more chewier. But taste-wise it is what the box says it is, “Decadent & Delicious.” It’s really sweet and chocolatey, so I suggest having a tall glass of milk with you while you eat it.

Again, the Sweet Moments Chocolate Fudge Molten Lava Brownie is really good, but for a company that encourages us to bake, I’m disappointed Pillsbury baked it for us. At least the microwaveable Betty Crocker’s Warm Delights make me feel like I’m actually preparing something, even though it just involves mixing water with cake mix, microwaving it for 45 seconds and then drizzling it with frosting.

I guess I believe that eating pre-baked brownies will give you sweet moments, but baking brownies will give you sweet memories.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – 370 calories, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A and 8% iron.)

*contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat due to use of partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil

Item: Pillsbury Sweet Moments Chocolate Fudge Molten Lava Brownies
Price: $3.49
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Sinfully delicious. Chocolatey. Droppin’ volcanic knowledge on yo’ asses. Great for those who like brownies but don’t like to bake them. Having knowledge of lava because I grew up on an island with an active volcano.
Cons: Molten lava wasn’t molten after microwaving it. Brownie is not thoroughly warmed up after microwaving. Brownie not chewy after being warmed up. No warm gooey innards. Good source of saturated fat. Ending a review with a corny line.

REVIEW: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)

Marvo 14 Comments

Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Body Wash for Men (Noir, Citron and Ocean)

When it comes to ogling young female customers and employees, getting close enough to smell them or maybe accidentally bumping into them at a shopping mall, Bath & Body Works is the third best store to do so. It’s right behind Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21.

Although it lacks lingerie, which the other two have, what places Bath & Body Works in the top three is the fact they’re the only one of the three that has a men’s section, which unlike the other two, gives men a good reason to enter the store. But it’s extremely small and I believe it’s only there to lure men into using the product testers so that the women in the store can use their sense of smell to detect if a possible pervert is nearby attempting to smell or bump into them.

Recently, Bath & Body Works added a line of signature collection men’s products, which include colognes, body sprays and body washes. The line consists of four scents: Noir, Citron, Ocean and Oak. Because the female Bath & Body Works employee I was ogling said she liked the Noir, Citron and Ocean scents the most, those were the ones I purchased in body wash form.

The same employee was also my cashier and I have to say it was fastest anyone has ever rang me up. There was no asking me if I need lip balm or if I want to sign up for their mailing list. I guess I should ogle the cashier whenever I buy stuff from Best Buy, so they won’t offer me their product protection plan.

The body wash’s bottle is the same 10-ounce one the women’s body wash come in, except instead of a pretty chrome cap, it comes with a manly black cap screwed on top. Thanks to the sodium lauryl sulfate, the body washes lather up really nice. Each body wash also contains aloe vera and nourishing oils, so if you hate feeling like your body isn’t completely rinsed off, I’d suggest not wasting your money on these men’s Bath & Body Works body washes just so that you can ogle and flirt with a Bath & Body Works employee.

Their fragrances aren’t nearly as strong as those from Axe, but they also don’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy. Their scent lingered on my body for around 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. On the Bath & Body Works website they list the key fragrance notes I should be smelling with each variation. Citron has crisp bergamot, sage, lemon zest, brisk woods, tonka bean and sandalwood; Ocean has bergamot, cypress, nutmeg, patchouli, cedarwood and vetiver; and Noir has sage, coriander, cardamom, white vanilla, vetiver and amber musk.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know what half of that stuff is, so let me break it down using words I don’t have to look up on Wikipedia.

Citron has a light, citrus fragrance with a little bit of spice. It’s a crisp, pleasant scent and probably my favorite of the three. Ocean has a sweet, slightly fruity odor and I think it’s more of a unisex scent than a manly one. Noir is the most manly smelling of the bunch. It’s a bold, musky scent I imagine James Bond would wear. It’s also bold enough to be the best scent to help female Bath & Body Works shoppers sense when a perv is trying to get close to them.

Item: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)
Price: $10.50 each
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works (Mall of America)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Noir)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Citron)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Ocean)
Pros: Pleasant, non-overpowering scents. Lathers nicely. Not tested on animals. Doesn’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy like Axe does. Scent lingers on body for about 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. Not getting asked by the cashier to sign up for mailing lists or if I’m interested in buying additional products.
Cons: Almost twice the price as regular men’s body washes. Noir’s scent can help Bath & Body Works shoppers know when a perv is getting close. Oils in the body wash makes it feel like you haven’t completely rinsed everything off. Getting kicked out of Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21. Not knowing what bergamot, brisk woods, tonka bean, cypress, patchouli, vetiver and amber musk is.

REVIEW: Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza

Marvo 14 Comments

The cheeseburger pizza isn’t new to me.

It actually used to frighten me as a wee lad whenever I would see the words “cheeseburger pizza” scheduled on the elementary and intermediate school lunch calendar twice a month. For most kids my age, the word “pizza” equated to something that was a treat, but for me it was terror and confusion.

It didn’t look or taste like a pizza, nor did it look or taste like a cheeseburger. I would either pick at it like a bird, or trade it for some syrup-covered prunes. I later came to the conclusion that it was a way for the cafeteria workers to get rid of soon-to-expire ingredients, like ground beef and cheese.

Sure, when I was in seventh grade, some bonehead blasted me, shoulder first, into my chest while playing flag football, making it hard for me to breathe for five minutes; in sixth grade, I got kicked in the balls really hard while playing soccer; in fifth grade, I pooped in my pants before I made it to the restroom; in fourth grade, the prettiest girl in my grade told me I smelled really bad; in third grade, my classmate seated next to me threw up on me; in second grade, I pooped in my pants before I made it to the restroom; in first grade, I was called “nerd” for the very first time because I started wearing glasses; and in kindergarden, I cried so hard while I had my head down while being punished that my tears created a puddle on the table that ran off the edge and created a waterfall of tears, but none of these grade school memories haunt me more than those cafeteria cheeseburger pizzas.

Thankfully, California Pizza Kitchen changed my opinion of what a cheesburger pizza is when I had their much tastier version in one of their restaurants. And now I can continue to rehabilitate and rid myself of those grade school cheeseburger pizza memories at home with the frozen Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza.

The frozen pizza is made up of a crispy thin pizza crust topped with seasoned hamburger, a blend of cheeses, diced tomatoes, caramelized onions and CPK’s signature sauce. According to one of my Twitter followers, who works at CPK, it’s supposed to taste like an In-N-Out cheeseburger, but I think it tastes more like a Big Mac with a little mustard flavor.

The restaurant and frozen versions taste almost exactly alike. The only major differences are the layer of shredded lettuce that’s added on top of the restaurant’s version of the pizza and the use of a huge wood fire oven.

According to the box, there’s three servings, which is kind of irritating because I don’t like having to bust out the protractor I haven’t used since high school to figure out how big a slice should be and I’m an Asian who sucks at math. Of course, I can cut it into fourths, but doing so would force me to use more math as I try to figure out how much trans fat is in one slice.

But wait, if I cut it into sixths, then two pieces will equal a third.

Oh, I guess I am good at math. The stereotype still lives.

The Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza is one tasty frozen pizza and is my favorite CPK frozen pizza variety, so far. If you’ve ordered one in the restaurant and enjoyed it, this frozen version will help you remember it, while at home, for about half the price.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza – 350 calories, 19 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 770 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 14.1 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a Big Mac. Tastes like the version available at CPK restaurants. Crispy crust. No lines about I Can Haz Cheeseburger. Asians are good at math.
Cons: Contains trans fat. Limited edition. Good source of saturated fat and sodium. Trying to cut a pizza into even thirds. Cheeseburger pizza in grade school. Pooping in my pants in the fifth and second grades.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies (Wild Berry & Strawberry Banana)

Marvo 21 Comments

The coolest thing about the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies are not the smoothies themselves, even though they’re made with ice, but rather how they’re made.

The machine that blends it is part-coffee vending machine, part-blender, part-dishwasher and, because it has a touchscreen, part-iPhone. With that technological combination, I’m surprised these space-aged blenders haven’t become self-aware and tried to take over the world, or because they’re part-iPhone, lose their ability to make smoothies if you hold them the wrong way.

Watching the McWorker make my McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies was like watching a NASCAR pit crew do their thing (or Formula One for our foreign readers). She made my Wild Berry and Strawberry Banana smoothies with speed and precision.

Actually, let me take that back. The blender made my smoothies with speed and precision.

All she had to do was select the smoothie I wanted and the proper size on the touchscreen and the blender did the rest, dropping crushed ice into the blending container, oozing the low-fat yogurt and fruit puree into the container and blending all of it to perfection. All of that took less than 30 seconds. Then after she pulled out the blending container and poured my smoothie into a cup, she placed it upside down on a tray and water started shooting up to rinse it. Within seconds, it was ready to make another smoothie.

The Wild Berry flavor consists of a mix of strawberries, blackberries and blueberries, while the Strawberry Banana is made up of self-explanation. As I mentioned above, each is blended with low-fat yogurt and ice, which creates a consistency that I would describe as easily suckable. While sucking, I was surprised to find seeds among the ice granules in both smoothie flavors, since it gets its “real fruits” via a puree.

Blueberries were the dominate flavor in the Wild Berry smoothie, and I could hardly detect the strawberries and blackberries. As for the Strawberry Banana smoothie, I thought the strawberries had the stronger flavor. However, I thought both flavors tasted like store-brand yogurt.

I didn’t enjoy the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies as much as their coffee-flavored counterparts, the Frappé. But I do think they’re inexpensive and decent tasting smoothies.

And I’m not just saying that to please our future McDonald’s blender overlords so that they’ll spare me and not turn me into a smoothie.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small smoothie – Wild Berry – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 44 grams of sugar, 2 gram of protein, 2% vitamin A, 80% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron. Strawberry Banana – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 70% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies (Wild Berry & Strawberry Banana)
Price: $2.29 each
Size: 12 ounces (small)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Easily suckable. Reasonably priced. Low fat. Awesome source of vitamin C. Made in an awesome blender. No high fructose corn syrup. Having my life spared by our future blender overlords.
Cons: Not as tasty as the Frappé. Uses fruit puree, instead of pieces of fruit. Not a good source of calcium. Not having balanced fruit flavors. Being turned into a smoothie by our future blender overlords.