NEWS: Enjoy Root Beer Floats Without a Straw, Spoon, or Sugar By Chewing Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Gum

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Update: Click here to read our Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Gum review

I wonder if the upcoming Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Gum will foam in my mouth like when vanilla ice cream and root beer come together in a glass. Most likely that’s not the case, but that would make the gum a bit more authentic…and probably rabies pranks will rise.

Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float will be the latest gum flavor in the sugar-free dessert flavored gum lineup, which also includes Mint Chocolate Chip, Key Lime Pie, Strawberry Shortcake, Orange Creme Pop, and Apple Pie.

Yes, I know the lineup by heart.

The root beer flavored gum won’t be available until the summer of 2012 because it just recently earned the right to be made by winning Extra Dessert Delights Fan Flavorite Vote on Facebook. Root beer float garnered 662,817 votes, crushing the other two choices, lemon square and bananas foster, which received 363,389 and 360,731 votes, respectively.

So get ready for another dessert-flavored chewing gum that’s significantly less satisfying than the real thing.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich

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Dunkin' Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich

I’ve always been supportive of fast food corporations’ revenues on new items, and now that the Colbert Super PAC has taught me corporations are people, I am also trying to be more supportive of fast food corporations’ self-esteem. In order to be more sensitive to Dunkin’ Donuts’ feelings, and because their new product is a sandwich, I will use the sandwich method of feedback to review the new Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich by sandwiching each piece of negative feedback between two positive thoughts.

Positive: The sandwich stayed warm while I walked the 6 blocks home.
Negative: I recently moved apartments and there are now two Starbucks within those 6 blocks. You better up your locations around here, Dunkin’. I love you, but I also love gingerbread lattes and free WiFi.
Positive: On the other hand, the counter guys at Dunkin’ Donuts never judge me for constantly confusing the only two Italian words I know. Stupid smug baristas.

Positive: The cheese was well-melted and kept the split-length-wise sausage link in place very well.
Negative: I suppose the two half-links of sausage probably provide more meat than a regular sausage patty, but they were like a square peg being put in a round hole, or more accurately two half-cylinders bifurcating an oblate spheroid (now there’s an expression that could really catch on). The half-links felt awkwardly bulky on an English muffin, and I ended up with inconsistent amounts of meat in each bite.
Positive: Overall, the sandwich did feel a bit more filling than your average Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Dunkin' Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich Split

Positive: The premium sausage is produced by Hillshire Farm, whose founders are in the Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. No seriously, that exists.
Negative: Any Hillshire Farm product hits you with a bunch of fat and sodium, and this new sandwich is no exception, weighing in with a whopping 36 grams of fat and 1,500 milligrams of sodium.
Positive: I’ve finally found a Hall of Fame whose membership is worth spending my life aspiring to.

Positive: I guess the sausage had some slight scent of smokiness to it.
Negative: That slight smoky scent didn’t really translate at all into the taste. (I just spent a half hour trying to formulate a joke about the minuscule smokiness of this sandwich, my roommate’s pack-a-week smoking habit, and smoking his sausage. I couldn’t get it to work, but dammit, B, if you stop smoking I’ll promise to stop making sex jokes about you in my reviews.)
Positive: Sausage means penis and that is funny.

Positive: The sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog (I happen to like hot dogs). As with your average hot dog, it was quite salty, and the casing had some snap to it.
Negative: As anyone who’s ever been to a ballgame knows, overpaying for a hot dog sucks, and this sandwich cost four dollars.

I know that last feedback sandwich was open-faced, so here’s a super positive closing paragraph to make up for it and boost Dunkin’ Donuts’ self-esteem. That was a good try, Double D! Just because I wouldn’t buy the Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich again doesn’t mean I won’t come visit all the time and taste whatever new items you have rolling out next. Hey, didn’t your IPO just go really well? If you’re still feeling down after this review, I’ve got great news: Starbucks has buy-one-get-one-free holiday drinks this weekend. How about a gingerbread latte, my treat?

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 320 calories from fat, 36 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 245 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,510 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Dunkin Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. The melted cheese kept everything in place pretty well. Sandwich stayed hot on my walk home. It might’ve been a bit more filling than an average DD breakfast sandwich. There’s a Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. Using the sandwich method of feedback. Buy-one-get-one-free gingerbread lattes.
Cons: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. Smokehouse sausage wasn’t actually all that smoky. Half-links in an English muffin were awkwardly bulky. Tons of sodium and fat. $4 is too expensive for what would be considered a small hot dog. Judgmental baristas.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo

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Limited Edition Peppermint Oreo

Salt-N-Pepa got pissed when baby-pop didn’t make it fast when giving them a kiss and I think Santa will be just as upset when he finds out some poor kid left out Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo cookies for him this Christmas Eve.

I can imagine what will happen and I think it’ll be a Christmas story that will be shared for generations.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa made his way down into another home.
Over his shoulders were his big bag of Christmas gifts and bigger bag of coal.
In this household, no kids were naughty so they’ll all get gifts from Saint Nick.
Oh, wait! Santa checked his list twice and it appears little Timmy was a little dick.

After the presents were stuffed in their appropriate stockings above the fireplace,
Santa saw his obligatory cookies and milk on a coffee table next to an empty vase.
As he walked closer to the treats left out for him, his face began to radiate with glee.
He let out a soft squee and then said, “Looks like Nabisco made another Oreo variety.”

“Enjoy these Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos,” said the note left with the snack.
Santa said, “I will,” and then prepared himself to dive into the cookies that are black.
So he grabbed the glass of milk and poured the liquid into the empty vase on the table.
There’s no way Santa trusts any milk sitting out for hours, even if it’s shelf-stable.

Santa picked up a Peppermint Oreo cookie and noticed the pink colored creme.
He thought the color was off and wished the cookie had a red and black color scheme.
He was also sad the chocolate cookies didn’t have festive imprints that warm his soul.
Like snowflakes, snowmen, or the depressed face of a child who received a lump of coal.

Before Santa tried the new Oreo flavor, he looked around to see if anyone was spying.
After scanning the room a few times, he noticed two pairs of children’s eyes prying.
Santa released an annoyed sigh as he reached into a coat pocket to pull out magic dust.
He had to blow it towards the curious children to prevent them from making a fuss.

The children’s eyes got heavy and their memories got cloudy thanks to the magic glitter.
When they became unconscious, Santa erased their memories using some transmitter.
He then walked over to the stockings of the children lying unconscious on the ground,
and replaced the gifts he was going to give them with lumps of coal, about a pound.

Limited Edition Peppermint Oreo Closeup

Santa could now enjoy a Peppermint Oreo cookie, which he hoped would be fulfilling.
So he picked one up, twisted off the top chocolate cookie, and licked the creme filling.
While sampling the pink creme, he said, “This tastes like something I’ve had in the past.”
After putting the cookie back together and eating it whole, his jolly face turned aghast.

“Blitzen!” Santa yelled while also spraying chocolate cookie crumbs across the room.
“Peppermint Oreos should taste different than Candy Cane Oreos,” he verbally assumed.
Santa was sick of Candy Cane Oreos because kids have been putting them out for years.
He hoped this year things would be different, but the familiar flavor didn’t ease his fears.

Oh, by the way, Blitzen is considered profanity at the North Pole, it basically means “shit.”
And, yes, it’s named after the laziest and most worthless reindeer, Santa will admit.
Blitzen got his name because he’s a lush and with other reindeer he doesn’t get along.
And now you know why his name is said last in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song.

Santa felt the two Oreo flavors tasted the same, even though there are some differences.
Candy Cane Oreo having half white creme and crunchy sprinkles are such instances.
But to Santa those didn’t matter because when you eat thousands of cookies in one night,
flavor matters the most, so it’s wrong for Nabisco to make two Oreo cookies that taste alike.

But Santa liked both Candy Cane and Peppermint Oreos even if they tasted the same.
Thankfully, the creme was made using peppermint oil; artificial flavoring is lame.
Santa thought the Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos have a minty flavor that’s tight.
They’re like Thin Mints, which he thinks more kids should put out on pre-Christmas night.

While Santa was disappointed Peppermint Oreos tasted similar to Candy Cane Oreos,
what he discovered next about them really turned his HO HO HO’s into NO NO NO’s.
A package of Peppermint Oreos has one-third less cookies than a package of regular ones.
This infuriated Santa and now he was looking to visit Nabisco and kick some Nabisco buns.

So he flew up the chimney to set off in his sled to Nabisco Headquarters in New Jersey.
Thanks to a drunk Blitzen delaying them, there was no time to kick ass; they had to hurry.
Santa yelled, “Blitzen! Take a Blitzen on Nabisco,” and the reindeer did what he was told.
Then as they flew off to deliver the rest of the presents, Santa let out a loud, “HO HO HO!”

THE END

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo
Price: $3.99
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: As good as Candy Cane Oreos. Thin Mints-like. When women squee. Uses peppermint oil for flavor, not artificial flavors. The look on children’s faces when they find out they got a lump of coal for Christmas.
Cons: Tastes like Candy Cane Oreos. Has 1/3 less cookies than a package of regular Oreos. Blitzen the Reindeer. Pissing off Salt-N-Pepa because you didn’t kiss them fast enough. What happens when you spy on Santa.

VIDEO: 2 Girls 1 Candwich + Me

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Nonstop Honolulu is a local lifestyle/nightlife blog and I had the opportunity to meet one of their food bloggers, Melissa Chang. Not only does she write about local restaurants, but she also does videos with her fellow food blogger, Mari Taketa, for video blog posts called M&M Eats.

Anyhoo, when I met with Melissa, I half-jokingly brought up the idea of eating the Peanut Butter and Jelly Candwich for one of their videos. She was not half-joking when she agreed to do it.

After several weeks of delays, which I was fine with because I believe the Candwich is best experienced when matured a little and closer to its expiration date, we shot the video in the lobby at the Sheraton Waikiki, next to a water fountain. So while watching this video, you may get the urge to pee.

I also brought them Cinnamon M&M’s and Caribbean Gold Pepsi from Japan to try.

Because nothing pleases me more than feeding people I hardly know foods they may find disgusting and want spit out, I’d like to do more videos with them and you’re going to help me make that happen. If you folks are able to get the video above to 1,000 views, I’m going to tap into TIB’s budget and buy unusual things for them (and me) to consume (and possibly spit out into a napkin).

Maybe, if I can get my hands on it, Cheeseburger in a Can. Or, perhaps, corn soda. Or some weird Japanese KitKat flavor. I think by getting to 1,000 views it might convince them to do more videos with me. So go forth and watch…again and again and again.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas/Frosted Flakes Chocolate

/ / Reviews / 28 Comments

Frosted Flakes Chocolate Spanish

Hola, mi amigos!  Como estas?  Esta es la Compra Impulsiva, y hoy–

Ah, dammit… sorry, I was looking at the wrong side of the box.  As it happens, the package of Frosted Flakes Chocolate I picked up has English on one side; but instead of a maze or outlandish claims about being healthy for you on the back, we’re treated to a mirror image of the front except the product name is now “Choco Zucaritas.”  (Es nuevo!)  Interestingly, the top and bottom of the box only use the Spanish name, and that’s what’s shown above the nutritional information on the side, so I guess it’s primarily targeted at Spanish speakers?  Either way, I applaud Kellogg’s for reaching out to the Latino community, despite it serving as another painful reminder that when choosing a second language in school, I picked French instead of one that might conceivably be useful to me someday.  That’s okay — I’ll be the one laughing when Canada finally invades, ya hosers.

But let’s get serious for a second: we’re talking about a product that on the surface sounds… well, fantastic.  Awe-inspiring.  God’s own breakfast cereal, one might reasonably speculate.  I’ve sampled plenty of cereals in my day, but I always find my way back to Frosted Flakes in the end, because it’s one of the best.  Which begs the question: can you improve upon the best?  True innovators always think so, and Kellogg’s has given it a shot by adding a chocolate coating to the classic sugared flakes.  You might consider that overkill — can your palate really handle frosting AND chocolate at the same time? — but it’s that kind of thinking that could have deprived the world of Peanut Butter Cups, so I’m prepared to give this a shot.

Frosted Flakes Chocolate Closeup

Opening the package immediately wafts a strong chocolate scent into your nostrils.  I wondered for half a second why it smelled so familiar before realizing it’s the identical aroma given off by Cocoa Krispies.  Promising, and a look at the flakes doesn’t change that assessment, though it is a little surprising.  I think I was expecting flakes that were entirely chocolate, but that’s not what these are.  Nor are they regular flakes with just a slight dusting of chocolate on them.  It’s a little hard to describe, but basically they look like Frosted Flakes that are in the process of converting to chocolate, like you caught them mid-transformation or something.  Remember in The Monster Squad when that cop shot Dracula, and they found him stuck halfway between human and bat forms?  It’s like that.  Also, don’t think about that scene before you eat these, it’s gross.

Frosted Flakes ChocolateUnfortunately, if the smell and the appearance of Frosted Flakes Chocolate are like the first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown,” the taste is the remaining three minutes and fifty-two seconds, where even Europe fans pack up their stuff and head for the exits.  I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the two flavors of frosting and chocolate don’t mesh well together.  It’s just too much, and I’m a guy who never shies away from the most cavity-inducing option.  For the first second or two they taste fine, but then it’s almost like a time delay kicks in and both the sugar and chocolate flavors burst onto the scene at once.  And like every pair of cops ever depicted on TV or in the movies, they don’t play well together.

It highlights the danger of going in with such high expectations, I guess, because it’s not like Frosted Flakes Chocolate are terrible.  They’re chocolatey, they’re sugary, they stay crunchy for the same length of time as the regular variety.  We’re all familiar with gimmick cereals and I guess I hoped these would be different, because chocolate + frosting = win, right?  But it’s like listening to two talented rappers battling, only instead of taking turns they’re both going at the same time, so everything sounds like, “Yo, your girlfriend your momma came over last really knows how to WORK that pole my rhymes are dope, you got no hope to cope, you’re a joke and my ASS, bitch.”  Then they both drop their microphones at once and you go deaf.

Or, as Antonio el Tigre would say: No son gr-r-randes!

(Nutrition Facts — 1 cup — 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas… I mean, Frosted Flakes Chocolate
Price: $2.93
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Learning Spanish while I eat breakfast.  Smells just like Cocoa Krispies.  The Monster Squad.  Satisfying your curiosity.  Peanut butter cups.  The first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown.”  Both individual tastes are good.
Cons: Chocolate and frosting tastes do not mesh well.  That much hype is a lot to live up to, and it doesn’t.  Choosing French in school.  Simultaneous rap battles.  My rhymes.  No son grandes.

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