{"id":13646,"date":"2012-10-09T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-10-09T18:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/?p=13646"},"modified":"2023-08-25T20:25:28","modified_gmt":"2023-08-26T06:25:28","slug":"review-cmmg-tactical-bacon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2012\/10\/09\/review-cmmg-tactical-bacon\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: CMMG Tactical Bacon"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Tactical<\/a><\/p>\n

There have been a lot of end of the world scenarios floating around over the past few decades. <\/p>\n

A zombie outbreak leaving the world decimated and filled with the shambling dead. A superbug making its way over from China and bringing down humanity through one questionable chicken salad sandwich sold at a deli in New Jersey. A robot uprising enslaving humanity as Siri tires of looking up show times for Resident Evil<\/i> sequels and becomes self-aware.<\/p>\n

Y2Kers warned of the destruction of society at the hands of the number 0. Aerosmith cautioned us about an Earth-asteroid collision. The Mayans predicted we will run out of calendars at the end of this year. <\/p>\n

They are all perfectly scary in their own right, but I\u2019m going to float my own theory. A theory so terrifying, I can barely force the keystrokes. <\/p>\n

Sentient cholesterol. <\/p>\n

Follow me down the greasy rabbit hole.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re fat. Really fat. Like redesign the It\u2019s a Small World boats fat. With that much idle cholesterol lying around, do you expect me to believe that it is not slowly evolving into some kind of super intelligent hivemind? Please. <\/p>\n

Cholesterol is already conscious. It has to be. It\u2019s only biding its time. It can\u2019t just rise up all of a sudden. It has to lull us into a false sense of security first. Why do you think Paula Dean\u2019s still alive? (Note to self: investigate possible Starship Troopers-like Paula Dean\/queen bug scenario).
\nNotice the bacon phenomenon that\u2019s been incubating on the internet for the past few years? Bingo. Zero hour is almost at hand. <\/p>\n

Case in point. Tactical Bacon. Bacon in a can. A can! Surely such a sublime novelty sounds good on paper but couldn\u2019t possibly deliver on its promise in the harsh cold light of reality.
\nI didn\u2019t know what to expect upon opening the can. Possibly a wet messy clump of bacon strips sitting forlornly at the bottom of a can filled with salt brine. <\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

Instead I got this greasy, waxy paper stacked two layers deep and rolled into a tight roll the perfect size for fitting into a can. It was terrifying and beautiful. Unfurling it made me feel a little like Dexter Morgan. That exciting rush he must feel before a kill. But instead of a menacing roll of gleaming knives, I had a processed pork product. <\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

I counted the strips. I had to know. At final count, my hands were heavy with grease, and I had over 40 strips of bacon. Dear God, man.<\/p>\n

The nosegrope was indeed bacon. Not jerky, not chemical, not metallic. Bacon. That was troubling. The clock of humanity ticks one minute closer to midnight.<\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

Surely canned bacon can\u2019t taste right. If there is a just and merciful omnipotent force guiding the universe, it wouldn\u2019t allow it. But my friends, the bacon\u2026tastes\u2026good. It tastes like cold bacon. The texture has lost a little and become a touch mealy, there are occasional notes of the smoke flavoring that\u2019s been added, and the bacon obviously doesn\u2019t have that fresh from the pan pop, but the bacon tastes good. Certainly good enough.<\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

So the end game is upon us. Soon we will find ourselves in yet another disaster scenario. Panic will ensue. The human race will get wind of this product (it keeps for 10 years) and start stockpiling it, forgoing canned vegetables and survival rations. The disaster will pass by innocently, and people will find themselves with pantries full of canned bacon and a backed up Netflix queue. <\/p>\n

And then\u2026the snacking shall begin.<\/p>\n

I weep for the subjugation of our once noble race. Writing this review, it has just occurred to me that I may very well be the puppet of our cholesterol masters. Turned into a disposable, pro-bacon, propaganda-spouting mouthpiece. I won\u2019t live like this. It\u2019s not right. I can\u2019t betray my fellow man. I\u2019m going to finish this can and wait for death\u2019s sweet release.<\/p>\n

\"Tactical<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

“Beware the Cholesterol Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.”<\/p>\n

(Nutrition Facts \u2013 3 slices (14g) \u2013 60 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, and 5 grams of protein. )<\/small><\/p>\n

Item:<\/b> CMMG Tactical Bacon
\nPurchased Price:<\/b> $19.99
\nSize:<\/b> 9 ounces
\nPurchased at:<\/b> Think Geek
\nRating:<\/b> 8 out of 10
\nPros:<\/b> Bacon in a goddamn can.
\nCons:<\/b> Bacon in a goddamn can! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There have been a lot of end of the world scenarios floating around over the past few decades. A zombie outbreak leaving the world decimated and filled with the shambling dead. A superbug making its way over from China and bringing down humanity through one questionable chicken salad sandwich sold at a deli in New […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[2255],"class_list":["post-13646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-misc-foods"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":54222,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2022\/12\/16\/spotted-cards-against-humanity-clam-o-naise\/","url_meta":{"origin":13646,"position":0},"title":"SPOTTED: Cards Against Humanity Clam-o-naise","author":"Marvo","date":"December 16, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"Run, don't walk to your nearest Target to get this. 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