{"id":16716,"date":"2014-04-21T10:40:06","date_gmt":"2014-04-21T20:40:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/?p=16716"},"modified":"2023-09-05T16:23:48","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T02:23:48","slug":"review-hot-pockets-limited-edition-angus-beef-melt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2014\/04\/21\/review-hot-pockets-limited-edition-angus-beef-melt\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Angus Beef Melt"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Hot<\/a><\/p>\n

Some memories are best left in their own time. Case in point: Third wave ska, Disney Afternoon cartoons, JNCO pants. Let them be. Revisiting these things is a risk, a danger to the fond nostalgia they might evoke at this point in time. This is because they are objectively poor (and memories are unreliable), composed of a multitude of components and emotions, including the way we picture our younger selves\u2014hopeful, untainted, resilient. Memories are a trick. We\u2019re all on the same page here, right? Memories are a trick. Got it? Good.<\/p>\n

Cue the time machine. Sometimes it\u2019s a phone booth, sometimes it\u2019s a DeLorean, and sometimes it\u2019s a British phone booth. In this case it\u2019s a supermarket freezer, packed full of frozen treats, yearning to be consumed. The colorful packaging displaying giant carb pills chock full o\u2019 meat \u2018n dairy tantalize and beckon, ready to send you back ten, fifteen, twenty years. Whatever you like, master. Look, it\u2019s even a fixed run! Hot Pockets Limited Edition Angus Beef Melt. What a beaut. <\/p>\n

Remember Hot Pockets? <\/p>\n

Flaky crust injected with beef or pork \u2014 an inside-out pizza, a sandwich with no edges. An afternoon treat before soccer practice, or during a Mortal Kombat II jam sesh. Enjoyed with a cold Fruitopia. Mom, stop trying to make phone calls, I\u2019m on AOL! Aw, man I got Hot Pocket all over my hip-hop Looney Toons t-shirt. I know, I know. We just went over this. Memories are lies, yeah yeah. \u2026 Eff it, we\u2019re going back! It\u2019s a time machine, bro. You can\u2019t not go. It\u2019s a time machine. Don\u2019t be lame. Let\u2019s do it. Start it up!<\/p>\n

The Hot Pockets Limited Edition Angus Beef Melt sucks. The box promises Angus beef, portabella mushrooms, provolone and mozzarella and \u201csoft-baked bread.\u201d The bread is soft, yes, sort of like a ciabatta or something. It\u2019s also super soggy after the requisite minute and fifty seconds in the microwave. Maybe there\u2019s a conventional oven plan we can put this on? The box has no instructions for that. All the best, we\u2019ve seen microwavable burritos. We don\u2019t have 40 minutes to sit around waiting for a Hot Pocket to thaw. <\/p>\n

\"Hot<\/a><\/p>\n

There are a few hits of \u201cpremium meat\u201d flavor and mushroom taste, which is somehow immediately fleeting, taken over by steaming hot filling that tastes like nothing. The photo on the box is stuffed with beef and cheese, and the bisected reality is one of a space worm from Dune that feeds on bad choices and nostalgia. The beef on the box is sliced and layered. The beef in the actual pocket is chopped into bits, resembling the leftover bits from a deli slicer. Even the box has memories that lie. <\/p>\n

\"Hot<\/a><\/p>\n

The worst part is that it\u2019s not substantial at all<\/a>. It barely registers as a snack. If you\u2019re not gonna make it good to eat at least food coma us so we can dream about a Hot Pocket that is satisfying on some level. It was a bad omen when taking it out of the microwave, the Hot Pocket looked like a pet gerbil that had made a doodie mess out of its backside all over the plate. It looked shameful, like it had made a mistake. It\u2019s not your fault, though. The mistake was all ours.<\/p>\n

As the time travel effects wear off and we slingshot back to the present, we see a whirlwind of our past: First girlfriend, favorite teacher, Chuck Berry\u2019s cousin Marvin Berry, wife of multiple time travelers Rachel McAdams. Reflecting on our trip, Prophet Gaffigan<\/a> was right. We should have never gone back. Now the entire past is up for scrutiny. Maybe everything in the past sucks, except for Batman the Animated Series, Starter jackets, and the Hubble Space Telescope. <\/p>\n

The question is: Did the Hot Pocket get worse, or was it never good in the first place? The answer doesn\u2019t matter. In 2014, it\u2019s garbage. We\u2019re all about e-cigs, Teslas, and Google Glass now. Perhaps it was a fine product for children. But we\u2019re adults. We\u2019ve had sushi. We\u2019ve eaten Ethiopian food. This is not for us anymore. Forget it, Jake. It\u2019s Hot Pockets.<\/p>\n

(Nutrition Facts – 270 calories, 90 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)<\/small><\/p>\n

Item:<\/b> Hot Pockets Limited Edition Angus Beef Melt
\nPurchased Price:<\/b> $2.00
\nSize:<\/b> 2 sandwiches\/box
\nPurchased at:<\/b> Walmart
\nRating:<\/b> 2 out of 10
\nPros:<\/b> Very cheap at a buck a piece. Maybe one bite of okay flavor.
\nCons:<\/b> Not substantial. Contents eventually taste like nothing, like a waste of product. Should be at least filling if not tasty, but is neither.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Some memories are best left in their own time. Case in point: Third wave ska, Disney Afternoon cartoons, JNCO pants. Let them be. Revisiting these things is a risk, a danger to the fond nostalgia they might evoke at this point in time. This is because they are objectively poor (and memories are unreliable), composed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[1571,1689],"class_list":["post-16716","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-frozen-food","tag-hot-pockets"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":37254,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2019\/06\/11\/spotted-banquet-mega-sandwiches\/","url_meta":{"origin":16716,"position":0},"title":"SPOTTED: Banquet Mega Sandwiches","author":"Marvo","date":"June 11, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"These bring back fond memories of Hot Pockets Side Shots. 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