{"id":19943,"date":"2016-04-20T02:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-04-20T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/?p=19943"},"modified":"2021-01-05T10:58:07","modified_gmt":"2021-01-05T20:58:07","slug":"review-honey-maid-vanilla-graham-crackers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2016\/04\/20\/review-honey-maid-vanilla-graham-crackers\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Honey<\/a><\/p>\n

In 1829, minister Sylvester Graham invented the graham cracker as an intentionally bland food that would suppress \u201ccarnal urges.\u201d No, I\u2019m not making this up:<\/p>\n

Graham crackers want you to stop masturbating.<\/i><\/p>\n

But despite Sylvester \u201cNo Fun Allowed\u201d Graham\u2019s best efforts, people have continued masturbating for 187 years, and they seem to have no plans to stop masturbating in the immediate future.<\/p>\n

If regular old crackers weren\u2019t exciting enough to get people to choose grahams over \u2018gasms, I can only imagine that Honey Maid\u2019s new Vanilla Graham Crackers are another attempt to make a properly thrilling masturbatory alternative.<\/p>\n

\"Honey<\/a><\/p>\n

And just look at them: with their supple graham pores, their lithely aerated edges, and their dazzling crystal coating, these are sexy crackers. In fact, they\u2019re so attractive, I could just about\u2026<\/p>\n

Keep it together, Dan! At least take them out for dinner first!<\/i><\/p>\n

Speaking of eating, these babies are still very similar to plain Honey Maid Graham Crackers at their wafered core. The base tastes of mildly sweetened, brown sugar-dusted wheat flour. This is veiled in a thin layer of golden toasted, slightly floral honey.<\/p>\n

\"Honey<\/a><\/p>\n

Upon first bite, the smattering of sugar crystals on top provides only a subtle kiss of vanilla extract stickiness. But if you really<\/i> kiss the crackers (and I mean full on \u201csliding into first base like a hungry Frenchman\u201d kissing) the syrupy honey and vanilla flavors blend into something vaguely like birthday cake frosting.<\/p>\n

Of course, becoming a snack time succubus like this leaves behind a fairly gritty and dry cracker. And like all graham crackers, flour chunks will inevitably get stuck in every toothy crevasse. This may be a massive low point for some meticulous munchers, but I personally enjoy tasting graham-flavored phantoms on my palate for an entire afternoon. After all, if I\u2019m picking crumbs out of mouth, my hands are too busy to do \u201cother things.\u201d<\/p>\n

Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers are certainly pleasant, but far from mind-blowing. They\u2019re essentially flatter, more rectangular Nilla Wafers that are better for making s\u2019mores.<\/p>\n

And speaking of s\u2019mores: s\u2019mores<\/i>! Besides boring ministers and that weird kid you knew in 3rd grade few people eat graham crackers plain. That\u2019s why this review wouldn\u2019t be complete without a crackpot cracker concoction. <\/p>\n

But since these aren\u2019t your Grandma\u2019s graham crackers, the ordinary \u201cJet-Puffed and Hershey\u2019s\u201d s\u2019more simply won\u2019t do. No, we need a hip, extreme s\u2019more for a hip, extreme generation. Since I\u2019m a dumb, poor college kid with the heart of a dumb, imaginative child, I\u2019m gonna have to take a few creative liberties.<\/p>\n

\"Honey<\/a><\/p>\n

I proudly present my \u201cS\u2019More v2.016.\u201d In lieu of a toasted marshmallow, it has a rainbow gob of half-melted Lucky Charms marbits. And in place of Milton Hershey\u2019s famous, yet boring chocolate? The frosted and fudgy decapitated top of a Hostess Cupcake. This s\u2019more tastes fantastic, but it also kinda tastes like I belong in a mental hospital. <\/p>\n

Despite their lack of originality, these graham crackers are a sweet platform for the imagination. In fact, I\u2019d say they\u2019re my favorite commercially available graham snack that isn\u2019t bear-shaped. They\u2019re also in third place behind powdered doughnuts and cocaine binges when it comes to covering everything in white powder.<\/p>\n

Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers are just good, wholesome fun. But sorry, Sylvester: most people still won\u2019t be \u201cpicking the vanilla bean\u201d instead of\u2026well, you know.<\/p>\n

(Nutrition Facts – 8 crackers (2 full sheets) \u2013 130 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)<\/small><\/p>\n

Purchased Price:<\/b> $2.99
\nSize:<\/b> 14.4 oz box
\nPurchased at:<\/b> Meijer
\nRating:<\/b> 8 out of 10
\nPros:<\/b> Guts made of good ol\u2019 graham. Suckling on birthday cake pixie dust. Postmodern s\u2019mores. Snack cake lobotomies. Being a dumb, imaginative child.
\nCons:<\/b> Not quite enough vanilla. Won\u2019t reshape autoerotic history. The divisive nature of graham-flavored tooth cement. Naming your kid \u201cMilton.\u201d Being a dumb, poor college kid.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 1829, minister Sylvester Graham invented the graham cracker as an intentionally bland food that would suppress \u201ccarnal urges.\u201d No, I\u2019m not making this up: Graham crackers want you to stop masturbating. But despite Sylvester \u201cNo Fun Allowed\u201d Graham\u2019s best efforts, people have continued masturbating for 187 years, and they seem to have no plans […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[147,1775],"class_list":["post-19943","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-crackers","tag-honey-maid"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":19888,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2016\/04\/07\/spotted-on-shelves-honey-maid-vanilla-graham-crackers\/","url_meta":{"origin":19943,"position":0},"title":"SPOTTED ON SHELVES: Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers","author":"Marvo","date":"April 7, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I know they're not marshmallow-flavored, but vanilla is close. 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Graham crackers have a nice crispity crunch. No high fructose corn syrup\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Nabisco Honey Maid Grahamfuls Cinnamon Creme","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm8.staticflickr.com\/7452\/12980765283_16f16cfbc9.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":72961,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2025\/10\/07\/reeses-dipped-graham-bears-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":19943,"position":3},"title":"REVIEW: Reese\u2019s Dipped Graham Bears","author":"Julie","date":"October 7, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"In honor of the conclusion of Alaska\u2019s annual Fat Bear Week, I too am preparing for hibernation\u2014with Reese\u2019s Dipped Graham Bears. Rather than scoop up salmon or forage for lush greenery, I ordered a 1.5-pound bag of the new dipped treats online. 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I picked up two varieties \u2014-\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/20181218Yo4.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/20181218Yo4.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/20181218Yo4.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":39782,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2019\/10\/02\/golden-grahams-smores-bites-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":19943,"position":5},"title":"REVIEW: Golden Grahams S’mores Bites","author":"Mike","date":"October 2, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"What are Golden Grahams S' mores Bites? 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