Salutations, readers! I come to you not just with salutations (which is easily the weirdest way to say hello), but with an introduction and a promise.<\/p>\n
My name is Ryan and I am but one of the latest crash test dummies to climb aboard this speeding junk food juggernaut called The Impulsive Buy. As a denizen of Middle America, junk food is in my blood, and I mean more than just arteriosclerosis. <\/p>\n
The flag of my great home state of Oklahoma proudly bears our state bird, the chicken fried steak, and we have an official state song from America’s favorite agriculture-themed musical, “Oklahoma!” At least that was the case until 2007, when our legislature changed the song to the audio from one of those YouTube supercuts of people falling out of motorized scooters. Last year, Oklahoma was second in the nation in number of fast food restaurants. Our 1,580 restaurants weren’t enough to pass the sprawling, value menu-festooned hills of Kentucky.<\/p>\n
But it isn’t just that I grew up in the shadows of never-ending hamburger signage or that I was regularly shouted down by elementary school classmates for waxing at length about anthropomorphic cereal mascots. I was a latchkey kid of the late ’80s and early ’90s, the golden era of Happy Meal toys and merchandised junk food. Well into adulthood, even after all these years, I prefer my canned pasta X-Men-shaped, my berries Franken, my mummies tutti-frutti, and my Hostess pies mutagen-filled. I like my Shark Bites white, my Lunchables pizza, my ice cream gumball-eyed, devil’s food Snackwell’s, and Kool-Aid Sharkleberry Fin. Corporate marketing helped me understand my first natural talent — eating my feelings.<\/p>\n
And thus, my promise to you, dear reader: when not on the campaign trail fighting for a pizza-based economy, I will write you the kind of honest, insightful, and profound reviews you’ve come to expect from an outlet like The Impulsive Buy. <\/p>\n
I will write without cynicism. <\/p>\n
And I will write with the zest of life only those prepared to embark on the journey of 1,000 empty calories truly know. And I will write with the passion and optimism of a man who holds out hope they will one day soon sell Cadbury Creme Egg filling by the half gallon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Salutations, readers! I come to you not just with salutations (which is easily the weirdest way to say hello), but with an introduction and a promise. My name is Ryan and I am but one of the latest crash test dummies to climb aboard this speeding junk food juggernaut called The Impulsive Buy. 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I\u2019m the kind of person (some would say a \u201cspecial\u201d kind of person) who upon seeing a commercial at 2:15 a.m. introducing a new fast food concoction will immediately put on my slippers \u2014 and probably some type\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":20899,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2016\/12\/01\/announcement-new-impulsive-buy-reviewer-mark\/","url_meta":{"origin":19980,"position":1},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Mark","author":"Mark","date":"December 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Salutations, patrons of The Impulsive Buy! One January, during my last semester of college, I approached a booth at a campus editing fair. (I don\u2019t want you to have ridiculously high expectations for my writing to be perfect, so I won\u2019t tell you I\u2019m a professional editor. Oh\u2014oops!) One of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":13044,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2012\/07\/26\/announcement-new-impulsive-buy-reviewer-earnest\/","url_meta":{"origin":19980,"position":2},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Earnest","author":"Earnest","date":"July 26, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Salutations, Internet! The name is Earnest, and I have come here to chew bubblegum and write reviews\u2026 and write reviews about chewing bubblegum. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm a college junior at USF, working full-time to support my non-stop appetite. I moved to Florida nearly 12 years ago\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11782,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2012\/04\/06\/announcement-new-impulsive-buy-reviewer-marisa\/","url_meta":{"origin":19980,"position":3},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Marisa","author":"Marisa","date":"April 6, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Dear Impulsive Buy readers, I never thought this would happen to me.... My name\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Marisa and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m humbled to be invited to join the team of writers here. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m East Coast born, West Coast raised and will swear up and down that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any sort of an accent.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11779,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2012\/04\/05\/announcement-go-vote-for-food-junk-for-best-food-humor-blog-at-saveurs-best-food-blog-awards\/","url_meta":{"origin":19980,"position":4},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Go Vote For Food Junk For Best Food Humor Blog At Saveur’s Best Food Blog Awards","author":"Marvo","date":"April 5, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Remember a few weeks ago when we kindly asked you to nominate The Impulsive Buy for a Saveur Magazine Best Food Blog Award? Well, I'd like that thank all of you who nominated us. Unfortunately, we weren't selected to vie for an award. But that's okay because Impulsive Buy reviewer\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11487,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2012\/03\/11\/announcement-nominate-the-impulsive-buy-for-a-saveur-magazine-2012-best-food-blog-award\/","url_meta":{"origin":19980,"position":5},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Nominate The Impulsive Buy For A Saveur Magazine 2012 Best Food Blog Award","author":"Marvo","date":"March 11, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Hello. Would you folks like to help The Impulsive Buy? If you have a couple of minutes, would you be so kind as to nominate The Impulsive Buy for a Saveur Magazine Best Food Blog Award. I'm asking you folks to nominate this semi popular product review blog because it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19980","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/39"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19980"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19980\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19980"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19980"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19980"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}