{"id":243,"date":"2005-06-29T00:00:57","date_gmt":"2005-06-29T10:00:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/06\/29\/coke-zero\/"},"modified":"2023-08-12T20:19:22","modified_gmt":"2023-08-13T06:19:22","slug":"coke-zero","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/06\/29\/coke-zero\/","title":{"rendered":"Coke Zero"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Coke<\/p>\n

Look Coke Zero, I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m worried about you, Coke Zero.<\/p>\n

I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trying to be popular, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic<\/a>.<\/p>\n

You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even have the black eyeliner!<\/p>\n

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?<\/p>\n

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now? <\/p>\n

Nowhere. <\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other. <\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to be a total failure.<\/p>\n

Although, I have to admit, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero<\/a> tasted a lot better. But at least you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t taste like you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.<\/p>\n

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.<\/p>\n

Heck, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dogg,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and I wrote wack rhymes, like:<\/p>\n

I got the skills to pay the bills,
\nwhen I write with the quills.
\nI drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
\nlike a roller coaster on the first drop.
\nMy rhymes will make your body rock.
\nAnd make all the honeys scream.
\nThey\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll all call me the Asian Dream.<\/i><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a8But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.<\/p>\n

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here<\/a>. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)<\/small><\/p>\n

\n

Item:<\/b> Coke Zero
\nPurchase Price:<\/b> $1.29 (20-ounces)
\nRating:<\/b> 2.5 out of 5
\nPros:<\/b> Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
\nCons:<\/b> No black eyeliner. My rhymin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 skills. Madonna\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fake British accent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Look Coke Zero, I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m worried about you, Coke Zero. I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trying to be popular, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if the loner goth look […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[1493,1492,2238,1488],"class_list":["post-243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-coca-cola","tag-coke","tag-coke-zero","tag-soda"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":10674,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2011\/11\/23\/review-mixchief-by-jell-o-make-your-own-add-soda\/","url_meta":{"origin":243,"position":0},"title":"REVIEW: Mixchief by Jell-O Make Your Own…Add Soda","author":"Jeff","date":"November 23, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Jell-O has been a ubiquitous part of my life. 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