![\"\"](\"\/images\/ziplocdoublezipper.jpg\")
<\/small><\/p>\n<\/small><\/p>\n
You know what I hate? <\/p>\n
I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.<\/p>\n
Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in. <\/p>\n
I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.<\/p>\n
Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.<\/p>\n
I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.<\/p>\n
There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.<\/p>\n
Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.<\/p>\n
Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.<\/p>\n
Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.<\/p>\n
Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?<\/p>\n
Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.<\/p>\n
First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.<\/p>\n
Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.<\/p>\n
Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.<\/p>\n
So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.<\/p>\n
So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.<\/p>\n
Item:<\/b> Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
\nPurchase Price:<\/b> $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
\nRating:<\/b> 3.5 out of 5
\nPros:<\/b> Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
\nCons:<\/b> Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You know what I hate? I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more. Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[1753],"class_list":["post-340","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-misc"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":244,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/07\/01\/trojan-mint-tingle-condoms\/","url_meta":{"origin":340,"position":0},"title":"Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms","author":"Marvo","date":"July 1, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"(Editor's Note: Some of you have been saying there's been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I've decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm7.static.flickr.com\/6140\/5980504499_30bd1a2d14.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":251,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/07\/12\/july-2005-prize-drawing\/","url_meta":{"origin":340,"position":1},"title":"July Prize Drawing!!!","author":"Marvo","date":"July 12, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"The other week I reviewed the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader, Robert, who has Trojan Condoms as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Now he sent me several boxes of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms and a couple of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":291,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/10\/11\/october-prize-drawing\/","url_meta":{"origin":340,"position":2},"title":"October Prize Drawing!!!","author":"Marvo","date":"October 11, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Thanks to my recent review of the Trojan Elexa line of products, I'm stuck with a whole bunch of condoms that I'll probably never use, unless I sell my body on the streets. 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