{"id":4093,"date":"2009-06-24T00:00:50","date_gmt":"2009-06-24T10:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/?p=4093"},"modified":"2023-08-14T17:57:43","modified_gmt":"2023-08-15T03:57:43","slug":"review-taco-bell-pina-colada-frutista-freeze","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2009\/06\/24\/review-taco-bell-pina-colada-frutista-freeze\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.<\/p>\n

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance<\/a><\/u>. Instead, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.<\/p>\n

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.<\/p>\n

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose<\/a><\/u>. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s version fulfilled my pina colada desires. <\/p>\n

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.<\/p>\n

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)<\/small><\/p>\n

Item:<\/b> Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
\nPrice:<\/b> $1.99
\nPurchased at:<\/b> Taco Bell
\nSize:<\/b> 479 grams
\nRating:<\/b> 8 out of 10
\nPros:<\/b> Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s toys. Fat free.
\nCons:<\/b> No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not your local flea market, although […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[1477,1519],"class_list":["post-4093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-fast-food","tag-taco-bell"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":9111,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2011\/04\/13\/review-taco-bell-cheesy-double-decker-taco\/","url_meta":{"origin":4093,"position":0},"title":"REVIEW: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco","author":"Marvo","date":"April 13, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"I wanted to ask the slightly above minimum wage earning person behind the Taco Bell counter if I could buy a large container of their nacho cheese sauce. 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There are five varieties available: Sausage, Egg and Cheese, Crispy Chicken with Jalapeno Honey, Crispy Chicken with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Fast Food News"","block_context":{"text":"Fast Food News","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/fast-food-news\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Taco Bell Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit Taco and Chicken Biscuit Taco with Jalapeno Honey","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/Taco-Bell-Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese-Biscuit-Taco-and-Chicken-Biscuit-Taco-with-Jalapeno-Honey1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/Taco-Bell-Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese-Biscuit-Taco-and-Chicken-Biscuit-Taco-with-Jalapeno-Honey1.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/Taco-Bell-Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese-Biscuit-Taco-and-Chicken-Biscuit-Taco-with-Jalapeno-Honey1.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":9338,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2011\/05\/13\/news-taco-bell-releases-the-insert-here-menu-item-that-taco-bell-claims-is-new-but-doesnt-seem-new\/","url_meta":{"origin":4093,"position":2},"title":"NEWS: Taco Bell Releases The (Insert Here Menu Item That Taco Bell Claims Is New But Doesn’t Seem New)","author":"Marvo","date":"May 13, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"This week, Taco Bell introduced the (Insert Here Menu Item That Taco Bell Claims Is New But Doesn't Seem New). 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Steak is easy to chew; no tough parts. Taco shell seemed sturdier than Taco Bell's regular taco shell. It's noticeably larger than a regular Taco\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Taco Bell XXL Crispy Steak Taco","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm4.staticflickr.com\/3260\/13094863883_2f3c99caa1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":53812,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2022\/11\/07\/spotted-taco-bell-mild-and-hot-seasoned-taco-shells\/","url_meta":{"origin":4093,"position":5},"title":"SPOTTED: Taco Bell Mild and Hot Seasoned Taco Shells","author":"Marvo","date":"November 7, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"This is nice and all, but salsa verde seasoned taco shells would've been nice too. Or volcano sauce seasoned taco shells? 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