{"id":483,"date":"2007-06-04T00:01:14","date_gmt":"2007-06-04T10:01:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2007\/06\/04\/java-monster\/"},"modified":"2019-03-13T20:19:10","modified_gmt":"2019-03-14T06:19:10","slug":"java-monster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2007\/06\/04\/java-monster\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: Java Monster"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Java<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

I’ve never been in prison — unless watching an episode of the HBO series Oz<\/a> counts — but Mean Bean, Big Black, and Loca Moca sound like nicknames of people who would rape you in a prison shower, but they’re actually the flavors of the new Java Monster premium coffee drinks.<\/p>\n

For those of you who are regular energy drink drinkers, Monster is most likely a familiar name because you’ve probably drank from one of their cans<\/a> for liquid energy sustenance during either a 24-hour Halo 2 session, a History 151 final exam cram session, or while accidently listening to New Age music.<\/p>\n

With their Java Monster coffee drinks, they’ve taken 1,000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of Panax Ginseng, and their “energy blend” found in their popular energy drinks, which consists of L-Carnitine, Glucose, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronolactone, and Maltodextrin, and stuffed it into a coffee drink, like Rosie putting on spandex. <\/p>\n

With 120 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of carbs, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 20% of calcium, and 100% of your recommended daily allowances of Vitamin C, riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, and Vitamin B12 the Java Monster coffee drinks have about the same nutritional values as their colorful Monster Energy Drink cousins.<\/p>\n

On the can of Java Monster, it says it contains half the caffeine of regular coffee, but twice the buzz, which slightly concerned me since I’m a huge proponent of caffeine and would probably snort it using rolled up hundred dollar bills if given the option.<\/p>\n

Oh wait. That’s cocaine. I’m sorry. I got my drugs that start with the letter C mixed up. <\/p>\n

If Java Monster gives twice the buzz, I wonder if I could triple or quadruple the buzz by drinking a Java Monster while either sniffing rubber cement, inhaling the gas that comes out of canned whipped cream, or painting my bathroom canary yellow without a mask and then passing out on the floor?<\/p>\n

Of course, I could try to do all of that at the same time while drinking a Java Monster, but I’m not Lindsay Lohan.<\/p>\n

Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, the Java Monster did give me a nice boost of energy and did it with a great taste. All the flavors had a delicious even balance of coffee and cream flavor that was really easy to drink. They weren’t too sweet, nor were they too bitter.<\/p>\n

However, just like choosing which of Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends<\/a> I like best — because they all look alike and probably have the same STDs from Hef — it’s hard to choose which Java Monster flavor I prefer, since they pretty much all taste the same.<\/p>\n

Item:<\/b> Java Monster
\nPrice:<\/b> $1.99 each (15 ounces)
\nPurchased at:<\/b> 7-Eleven
\nRating:<\/b> 10 out of 10
\nPros:<\/b> Great tasting. Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, it does give a nice energy boost. Easy to drink. Uses reduced fat milk. Big 15-ounce cans.
\nCons:<\/b> They taste all the same. Flavor names sound like prison inmate nicknames. Only half the caffeine of regular coffee. Rosie putting on spandex. Accidently listening to New Age music. Having sex with Hugh Hefner. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve never been in prison — unless watching an episode of the HBO series Oz counts — but Mean Bean, Big Black, and Loca Moca sound like nicknames of people who would rape you in a prison shower, but they’re actually the flavors of the new Java Monster premium coffee drinks. For those of you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[1545,1540,1530,1581],"class_list":["post-483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-beverage","tag-coffee","tag-energy-drink","tag-monster-energy"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":34091,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2019\/01\/11\/java-monster-swiss-chocolate-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":483,"position":0},"title":"REVIEW: Java Monster Swiss Chocolate","author":"Mike","date":"January 11, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"What is the Java Monster Swiss Chocolate? It promises \"the taste of Swiss chocolate paired with premium coffee and cream and supercharged with our Monster Energy Blend.\" It's currently a Dollar General exclusive flavor. How is it? When poured, the color is the same as heavily creamed coffee, with a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Java-Monster-Swiss-Chocolate-3.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Java-Monster-Swiss-Chocolate-3.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Java-Monster-Swiss-Chocolate-3.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Java-Monster-Swiss-Chocolate-3.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Java-Monster-Swiss-Chocolate-3.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":56379,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2023\/05\/29\/java-monster-cafe-latte-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":483,"position":1},"title":"REVIEW: Java Monster Cafe Latte","author":"Marvo","date":"May 29, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Java Monster\u2019s new Caf\u00e9 Latte doesn\u2019t taste new to me because the moment the liquid hit my taste buds, I felt it was a canned coffee energy drink I\u2019d had before. Maybe from Monster or Starbucks? At first, I thought it tasted like Java Monster Mean Bean. But after purchasing\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/javamoncafelatt1-600x600.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/javamoncafelatt1-600x600.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/javamoncafelatt1-600x600.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":43911,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2020\/05\/11\/java-monster-triple-shot-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":483,"position":2},"title":"REVIEW: Java Monster 300 Triple Shot","author":"Marvo","date":"May 11, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"I present to you a Java Monster Triple Shot Energy Coffee review with a number of words that equals the number of milligrams of caffeine each can has \u2014- 300. 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