Let\u2019s be optimistic.<\/p>\n
The day will come, perhaps sooner rather than later thanks to one too many Carrot Cake Oreo cookies, when I gasp my last Twix-infused breath and I ascend to the Pearly Gates (I said this was going to be optimistic).<\/p>\n
And I will look around and there will be all of my long forgotten, prematurely deceased friends. I will see Fruit Brute playing the harp, little clouds of chocolate Skittles, and of course Elvis, or at least Reese\u2019s Peanut Butter and Banana Cr\u00e8me cups. And the gatekeeper, whom I imagine will look a bit like the guy on the Quisp box, will ask me who I am and what I have done with my life.<\/p>\n
My name is Dave, I will tell him. Or was Dave, perhaps. And I will tell him I was the proud father of three lovely little girls, who too often served as my excuses to keep the house full enough of junk food to withstand a sugar apocalypse. I will tell him I spent a lot of time overseas, primarily as an excuse to try weird junk food products in weird places. He may ask what I focused on in life, and I will tell him that, having found enough people were focused on reducing poverty and injustice, I spent my worldly days collecting limited edition junk food.<\/p>\n
I am guessing the Quisp gatekeeper may not like that. \u201cHave you no regrets?\u201d I imagine him asking.<\/p>\n
I might mention the time I drank an entire case of Krispy Kreme Cheerwine. Or my regrets about not buying a lifetime supply of Banana Split Oreo. Or the time I left a bottle of chestnut Pepsi on a train in Egypt. So many regrets. But I probably will just keep my mouth shut.<\/p>\n
And then I imagine the gate swinging open, and the Quisp Overlord saying, \u201cEnter, brave soldier, intrepid explorer of the most remote and frightening seasonal displays at Walmart! You have realized the great secret, that people are, like green apple Twizzlers, limited editions as well, and have lived life as such.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s why I love limited edition foods. They are like precious little snowflakes, ours to love and cherish for one brief and fleeting moment. Too beautiful to last. They ground you in the present, force you to make the most of the now. Keep your meditation and Zen. If I want to live in the moment, I will savor a Mixed Berry Twinkie.<\/p>\n
And, until I am called home by that great cosmic Yummy Mummy in the sky, I want to savor those Mixed Berry Twinkies with you fellow sojourners on the road to enlightenment. I am so honored to join the team!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Let\u2019s be optimistic. The day will come, perhaps sooner rather than later thanks to one too many Carrot Cake Oreo cookies, when I gasp my last Twix-infused breath and I ascend to the Pearly Gates (I said this was going to be optimistic). And I will look around and there will be all of my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":67,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[276],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49280","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-announcement"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":20808,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2016\/11\/04\/announcement-looking-for-new-reviewers-2016-edition-ii\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":0},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Looking for New Reviewers (2016 Edition II)","author":"Marvo","date":"November 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Hey! Do you love to write? Do you like junk food? If so, then perhaps you'd like to be a reviewer for The Impulsive Buy. We are currently looking for several new contributors to write their thoughts about the latest junk food and fast food. It\u2019s a paid gig, but\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":25388,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2017\/10\/20\/announcement-looking-for-new-reviewers-2017-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":1},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Looking for New Reviewers (2017 Edition)","author":"Marvo","date":"October 20, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Hey! Do you love to write? Do you like junk food and\/or fast food? If so, then perhaps you\u2019d like to be a reviewer for The Impulsive Buy. We are looking for several new contributors to write their thoughts about the latest junk food and fast food. It\u2019s a paid\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":18036,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2015\/02\/08\/announcement-mcdonalds-gift-card-winner-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":2},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: McDonald’s Gift Card Winner","author":"Marvo","date":"February 8, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Here's the $20 McDonald's Gift Card winner: Skye Congratulations! Thanks to everyone who participated!","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"IMG_1258","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5535\/11877048553_91d8605ce8_z.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5535\/11877048553_91d8605ce8_z.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5535\/11877048553_91d8605ce8_z.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15105,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2013\/07\/21\/announcement-arbys-coupon-winners\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":3},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Arby’s Coupon Winners","author":"Marvo","date":"July 21, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are the Arby's coupon winners: Heather M. Patti SFScorp Curtis Anie Thanks to everyone who participated and thanks to Arby's for providing the coupons.","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":19803,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2016\/03\/20\/announcement-10-target-gift-card-winners\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":4},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: $10 Target Gift Card Winners","author":"Marvo","date":"March 20, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are the $10 Target Gift Card winners: Lauren Lee Lisa Congratulations! Thanks to everyone who participated!","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":16153,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2014\/01\/20\/announcement-arbys-prize-pack-winners\/","url_meta":{"origin":49280,"position":5},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: Arby’s Prize Pack Winners","author":"Marvo","date":"January 20, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are the Arby's Prize Pack winners: Colby JoAnn Congratulations to the winners! Thanks to everyone who participated and a special thanks to Arby's for providing the prize packs!","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49280","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/67"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49280"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49280\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49280"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49280"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}