{"id":515,"date":"2007-08-10T09:52:12","date_gmt":"2007-08-10T19:52:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2007\/08\/10\/chicken-of-the-sea-mandarin-orange-salmon-cups\/"},"modified":"2023-08-12T14:25:49","modified_gmt":"2023-08-13T00:25:49","slug":"chicken-of-the-sea-mandarin-orange-salmon-cups","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2007\/08\/10\/chicken-of-the-sea-mandarin-orange-salmon-cups\/","title":{"rendered":"Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

I take back everything bad I said about other things I reviewed, this is proof that the devil lives among us. And apparently the devil takes on the form of a blonde mermaid who hocks packaged fish products. Nice try, you sleazy merchant of lies. You don’t even really exist in nature, your origin came about when drunk and horny pirates mistakenly identified a seal. Maybe next time wear a clamshell bra like Ariel from The Little Mermaid if you want to win my trust and make me have a disturbing, sexually confusing crush on you.<\/p>\n

How I came about stumbling upon this box of evil seemed innocent enough. I was minding my own business, shopping at the gigantic corporate mega mart that simultaneously fuels and ruins our country, when I had a sudden craving for tuna. I skimmed the aisles until I found the cheapest can I could and then noticed something beside it. Like a siren, it called to me. I picked it up and threw it in my cart. Little did I know I was in possession of a product that was more akin to Pandora’s Box than a can of tuna.<\/p>\n

I related to the small sealed cup because like myself, it had a massive identity crisis. The label is a true orgy of bullshit that I had to wade through just to figure out what the damn thing was. First of all, it was from Chicken of the Sea, which I’ve been conditioned to believe sells tuna. <\/p>\n

However, it is addressed as a salmon cup, which is neither chicken nor tuna. To make matters more complicated, the words “Mandarin Orange” are included in a big box as if to indicate that this was indeed a fruit cup and that everything else was included for the sole purpose of pissing me off.<\/p>\n

After my head exploded and the minimum wage worker lazily wiped the remains off the floor, I checked out. I mentioned to the cashier, “You do realize that this is fucking ridiculous, right?” but only received a puzzled look in response. I took the cup home and decided to give it a shot.<\/p>\n

This is by far the most vile thing I’ve ever attempted to consume. The scent is somewhere between orange scratch-n-sniff and demon breath. I am convinced that if Syracuse University’s orange mascot died in a football celebration gone terribly awry, this is what he’d smell like after two weeks. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this thing came straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft<\/a> novel.<\/p>\n

By this point I had confirmed that it was indeed salmon in some type of mandarin orange sauce. My first taste was one of bewilderment and disgust. “I don’t recall salmon tasting like syrup, orange liquor, and charcoal,” I thought to myself. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/center><\/p>\n

Needless to say, I quickly spit it out and burned the plastic bag just in case it decided to return and make me eat it in my sleep. I ran into the garage seeking sandpaper to lick so I could get rid of the taste.<\/p>\n

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but those people apparently never tasted mandarin orange salmon cups. The sadist in me wants you to try it with your family and share in the pain that I’ve felt, but the Jesus complex in me wants to save you from this horrible wreck.<\/p>\n

It’s your call, but don’t come back crying when your spouse leaves you and your oldest daughter becomes a broken emo girl that I may or may not try to sleep with at a party.<\/p>\n

Item:<\/b> Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups
\nPrice:<\/b> 85 cents
\nPurchased at:<\/b> Wal-Mart
\nRating:<\/b> 1 out of 5
\nPros:<\/b> Hot animated mermaids. Hermetically sealed packaging.
\nCons:<\/b> Dead orange mascots. Smell from said dead orange mascot. Abominable taste. the shame of shopping at Wal-Mart. Confusing labels. Salmon officially losing all of its dignity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I take back everything bad I said about other things I reviewed, this is proof that the devil lives among us. And apparently the devil takes on the form of a blonde mermaid who hocks packaged fish products. Nice try, you sleazy merchant of lies. You don’t even really exist in nature, your origin came […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1440],"tags":[2230],"class_list":["post-515","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-chicken-of-the-sea"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":30528,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2018\/08\/01\/spotted-on-shelves-mermaid-edition-8-1-2018\/","url_meta":{"origin":515,"position":0},"title":"SPOTTED ON SHELVES (MERMAID EDITION) – 8\/1\/2018","author":"Marvo","date":"August 1, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are some interesting new mermaid products found on store shelves by your fellow readers. If you've tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments. Bakehouse Bread Company Mermaid Bread Mermaid Cake with Mermaid Magic Two-Bite Mermaid Cupcakes Siderno Bakery Mermaid Chocolate & Vanilla Mini\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Spotted on Shelves"","block_context":{"text":"Spotted on Shelves","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/spotted-on-shelves\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/Siderno-Bakery-Mermaid-Chocolate-Vanilla-Mini-Bundt-Cakes.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/Siderno-Bakery-Mermaid-Chocolate-Vanilla-Mini-Bundt-Cakes.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/Siderno-Bakery-Mermaid-Chocolate-Vanilla-Mini-Bundt-Cakes.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":37559,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2019\/06\/27\/general-mills-mermaid-cereal-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":515,"position":1},"title":"REVIEW: General Mills Mermaid Cereal","author":"Marvo","date":"June 27, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Last year, Kellogg\u2019s trotted out a limited edition Unicorn Cereal. 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There\u2019s no universal consensus to what unicorn products should taste like, but the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reviews"","block_context":{"text":"Reviews","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/reviews\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/General-Mills-Mermaid-Cereal-Closeup.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/General-Mills-Mermaid-Cereal-Closeup.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/General-Mills-Mermaid-Cereal-Closeup.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/General-Mills-Mermaid-Cereal-Closeup.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/General-Mills-Mermaid-Cereal-Closeup.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":42828,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2020\/03\/02\/spotted-store-brands-edition-3-2-2020\/","url_meta":{"origin":515,"position":2},"title":"SPOTTED (STORE BRANDS EDITION) – 3\/2\/2020","author":"Marvo","date":"March 2, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are some new store brand products found on store shelves by your fellow readers. If you've tried any of them, share your thoughts about them in the comments. (Spotted by Maggie C at Kroger.) (Spotted by Carla at Safeway.) (Spotted by Sarah R at Trader Joe's.) (Spotted by Sylvia\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Spotted on Shelves"","block_context":{"text":"Spotted on Shelves","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/spotted-on-shelves\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/H-E-B-Simple-Hot-Cocoa-Mix-Milk-Chocolate.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/H-E-B-Simple-Hot-Cocoa-Mix-Milk-Chocolate.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/H-E-B-Simple-Hot-Cocoa-Mix-Milk-Chocolate.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/H-E-B-Simple-Hot-Cocoa-Mix-Milk-Chocolate.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/H-E-B-Simple-Hot-Cocoa-Mix-Milk-Chocolate.jpeg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":56126,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2023\/05\/10\/spotted-kelloggs-the-little-mermaid-mermazing-berry-cereal\/","url_meta":{"origin":515,"position":3},"title":"SPOTTED: Kellogg’s The Little Mermaid Mermazing Berry Cereal","author":"Marvo","date":"May 10, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"The live-action Ursula is going to give me nightmares, just like the cartoon one. 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I can see star dust and dragon magic as ingredients, but starfish wishes is kind of stretching it.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Spotted on Shelves"","block_context":{"text":"Spotted on Shelves","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/spotted-on-shelves\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Snack-Pack-Mermaid-Splashes-Pudding.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Snack-Pack-Mermaid-Splashes-Pudding.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Snack-Pack-Mermaid-Splashes-Pudding.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Snack-Pack-Mermaid-Splashes-Pudding.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Snack-Pack-Mermaid-Splashes-Pudding.jpeg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":36434,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2019\/05\/07\/spotted-icee-mermaid\/","url_meta":{"origin":515,"position":5},"title":"SPOTTED: ICEE Mermaid","author":"Marvo","date":"May 7, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"According to this post on a website for an amusement park that got the flavor before Target, the ICEE Mermaid flavor is a combination of strawberry, raspberry, and blueberry. 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If you\u2019re out shopping and see an interesting new\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Spotted on Shelves"","block_context":{"text":"Spotted on Shelves","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/spotted-on-shelves\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/IMG_6219.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/IMG_6219.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/IMG_6219.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/IMG_6219.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/IMG_6219.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/515","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=515"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/515\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=515"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=515"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=515"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}