Hello readers! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m Jasper, one of The Impulsive Buy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s new reviewers. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to keep this introduction short, since I wrote this on Taco Tuesday and I hate typing while sitting on the toilet. “Whoa, a poop joke in his very first paragraph,” you just gasped. Yeah, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right. I plan on being a real high-brow writer, so you better get used to it.<\/p>\n
I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fresh out of college and living in Boston, though I spent my first 18 years in New Jersey. (Yes, I do use a lot of hair gel; no, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never worn sunglasses at night.) Food has always been very important to me, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve always been something of an overeater. I distinctly remember being 6 years old, inhaling one too many ribs at the local Sizzler, and throwing up on the welcome mat on the way out. To be honest, things haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really changed over the years: my final semester, I left an exam two hours early because the dining halls were serving a limited number of hand-breaded chicken tenders for only the second day all year, and hell if I was going to prioritize graduating on schedule over gorging myself on those delicious tenders one last time.<\/p>\n
But just because I value quantity doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m unable to recognize quality. On the contrary, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve developed a pretty discerning palate thanks to a huge appetite that has allowed me to try both a large amount and a wide variety of foods. If a product tastes terrible, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be able to tell you as much. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably eat the rest of the bag\/bowl\/box anyway.<\/p>\n
In terms of my prose, my only recent experience with “humor” writing has involved spending way too much time crafting hilarious jokes for emails that people probably barely glanced at. Needless to say, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m very happy to have a bigger platform and hopefully a more attentive audience. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll strive to dazzle and delight you, though a more realistic goal would be to keep you occupied for at least a couple minutes after you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve played all of today\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Sporcle quizzes.<\/p>\n
It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, TIB readers. And now, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m off to the bathroom.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hello readers! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m Jasper, one of The Impulsive Buy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s new reviewers. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to keep this introduction short, since I wrote this on Taco Tuesday and I hate typing while sitting on the toilet. “Whoa, a poop joke in his very first paragraph,” you just gasped. Yeah, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right. I plan on being a real […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[276],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7837","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-announcement"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3292,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2009\/04\/28\/announcement-new-writer-ends-the-sausagefest-at-the-impulsive-buy\/","url_meta":{"origin":7837,"position":0},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: New Writer Ends The Sausagefest at The Impulsive Buy","author":"Kayla","date":"April 28, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"The glass ceiling has been broken, and I was the one who whipped out her .357 Magnum Lara Croft-style and shattered that sucker into a million pieces. 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I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m East Coast born, West Coast raised and will swear up and down that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any sort of an accent.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7916,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2010\/12\/05\/announcement-new-impulsive-buy-reviewer-nichol\/","url_meta":{"origin":7837,"position":2},"title":"ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Nichol","author":"Nichol","date":"December 5, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Hi! Hello? Is this thing on? I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 HELLO IMPULSIVE BUYERS! Oh \u00e2\u20ac\u201c okay, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s better. My name is Nichol. Long time follower, first time typewriter monkey. First off, I am a San Diegan, and therefore classy. I possess the heart and stomach of a Midwesterner, the eyes of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Announcement"","block_context":{"text":"Announcement","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/announcement\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":229,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/06\/14\/june-prize-drawing\/","url_meta":{"origin":7837,"position":3},"title":"June Prize Drawing!!!","author":"Marvo","date":"June 14, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Holy crap! It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s that time of the month again! It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time for this month\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s prize drawing, which is when The Impulsive Buy could possibly make your dreams come true, if your dream is to win a very cheap household or food product from some quasi-product review blog, which has a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":201,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2005\/04\/28\/which-of-the-five-will-stay-alive\/","url_meta":{"origin":7837,"position":4},"title":"Which of the Five Will Stay Alive!!!","author":"Marvo","date":"April 28, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Sorry, no review today, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m bringing back an oldie, but goodie. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s product election time! (Damn, I need a catchier name than that!) For those of you who are new to The Impulsive Buy, every so often we hold a product election, which allows you, the readers, the decide\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "General"","block_context":{"text":"General","link":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/category\/general\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1165,"url":"https:\/\/www.theimpulsivebuy.com\/wordpress\/2008\/10\/26\/introducing\/","url_meta":{"origin":7837,"position":5},"title":"Introducing…","author":"Reprobate","date":"October 26, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"A new writer premieres at The Impulsive Buy and takes it to new heights...of lows, that is. I realize this opening smacks of clich\u00c3\u00a9, but I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think of any other way to introduce myself as the new writer to this fine site. 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