REVIEW: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal

Right now, I am staring at my ass in the mirror because I am waiting for a rainbow to shine out of it.

All this time I’ve been afraid of the intense healthiness found in each super-powered Kashi product, which is so natural and healthy that I heard rumors it is a hippie aphrodisiac and it causes rainbows to shine out of your ass. Hence, here I am looking at my derriere in the mirror.

Until minutes ago, I was a perky Kashi Virgin, which is as unsexy as it sounds. But eventually I gave in and I lost my virginity to the new Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal.

I guess I have some trepidation about foods that claim to be natural and healthy because I have been burned badly by them in the past. They usually taste like what I imagine rainbows that come out of my ass would taste like. However, there are people out there who adore all Kashi products and would marry them if it were legal or would bathe in Kashi’s famous 7 Whole Grains, if it did not get stuck in places it should not and did not itch so badly.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal consists of almonds, coconut, cocoa-infused clusters, and of course, Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains. Despite living on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I am not a big fan of coconut, so I thought I would not enjoy this cereal very much. While trying this cereal, I could easily see the shreds of coconut in it, but could not taste the coconut. The cocoa flavor wasn’t like the chocolate flavor you might taste with the sugary cereals out there, it was better. The almonds and granola gave the cereal a nice crunch, even after spending a few minutes in milk.

With all the granola, almonds and coconut shreds, the cereal seemed really dense, like a stripper who doesn’t strip to pay for their college tuition. After eating a big bowl of it, my jaw was tired from all the chewing. The denseness was also the reason why this cereal comes in a box that is about one-third smaller than most other cereal boxes.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal is probably the healthiest food I’ve eaten in the last few years. One serving of this cereal has one-fourth of my daily fiber needs, two-thirds of my daily needs of whole grains, 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 and it is all natural, but most importantly it tastes really good.

So did a rainbow shine out of my ass? No, not yet, but I still have time to look since I’m preparing a tub filled with Kashi cereal and soy milk to bathe in.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 6 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 16 grams of other carbs, 6 grams of protein, and Kashi’s 7 Whole Grain Goodness.)

Item: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal
Price: $5.29 (14.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes really good. Fiber up and out the wazoo. 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3. All around healthy. Whole grains. Despite not liking coconut, I didn’t mind the coconut in this cereal.
Cons: Makes my jaw hurt when I chew. Small box. Getting Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains stuck in between the body’s cracks and crevices. The movie Baby Mama.

18 thoughts to “REVIEW: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal”

  1. I almost picked up a box of kashi granola cereal this weekend, but now I’m glad I didn’t and got to wait for the review. I hate kashi oatmeal so I wasn’t sure if the granola cereal would leave me feeling the same way. I did notice that Quaker granola cereal was SIX DOLLARS A BOX.

  2. When your jaw’s hurtin’, that’s a-telling you something. I know Kashi is sold just about everywhere, which is a good thing if I ever have a need to chew my face off. Otherwise, it’s going to the hippie whole foods store in town…a store filled with pretentious wannabe hippies pretending not to be pretentious, weird white people with blond dreadlocks, and god forbid I ever ask for a bag at the checkout, instead of using a beat up cardboard box to put my shit in…

  3. Isn’t that the stuff they feed to horses before they run for a while and then fall down and everybody rushes over to take pictures and kill them?

  4. Hmmm. I don’t like almonds OR coconut, and yet I’m strangely tempted by this.

    Keep us updated on the ‘rainbow out the ass’ situation. That could be the deciding factor.

  5. cover yourself with this and marshmallows and I will make rainbows come out your ass, ‘ cause you will need lots of soap to clean up! Tee-hee. This one sounds better than the honey bunches of oats. I could think of better activities to make my jaw hurt.. oh, i will just stop now.

  6. My finance’ lived on Maui for five years and he won’t eat coconut or pineapple.

  7. I remember the first time I went to the house of a guy I was dating. I walked in and it was neat, clean, nicely decorated. I was immediately confused. A little further in, I saw a HUGE box of Kashi cereal on his kitchen counter. I never saw him again after that day. Your review reassures me that I made the right decision.

  8. I was gonna buy some of this, even read the label. I’m glad you reviewed it.

    If you want rainbows to come shining our your ass, I think you need to mix this cereal with Fruity Pebbles & Skittles. 😉

  9. In our house we refer to Kashi cereal as Ass-Blaster. Remember, moderation is the key.

  10. Chuck – Eating an entire box of anything Kashi has to potential to blow anything out of your ass.

    whip1 – Yeah, this shit can get expensive. Gotta get it while on sale.

    Alex Lifeson – This weekend I saw Japanese tourists with corn rolls. I wanted to slap them around and tell them to keep it real.

    angry bob – If it is, racing horses eat better than I do.

    Gabs – No rainbow that I could see, although it might have leaked out during my sleep.

    Bikerbabeee – As long as you don’t get lock jaw, because that would be slightly embarrassing to explain at the emergency room.

    Buttercup – I usually use the coconut shells as manboob protectors.

  11. Eryn – OMG! If only those came in freeze dried marshmallow form. I would add them to a frosted oat cereal and call them Unlucky Charms.

    Kylie – If you were a hippie, you would’ve totally dug him, because again, Kashi is a hippie aphrodisiac.

    Red Icculus – But goose poop in nice coils. I wish I had that ability. Instead I have to poop into a toilet which makes it hard to form coils.

    LUCKYLADY – I need to find a product that gives me 100% of the fiber I need in one shot. Kashi needs to make that.

    Aimee – Fruity Pebbles and Skittles makes my pee turn into a rainbow.

    nat – Tasty, healthy, and it makes me eat something I don’t like. It’s a trifecta.

    Marie – Oh great. Now you’ve got me curious and I want to eat an entire box in one sitting and see what happens.

  12. angry bob has met cockroaches that eat better than you. Later, he stepped on them, so you win in that category, though.

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