REVIEW: KFC Mashed Potato Poppers

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When it comes to ubiquitous fast-food joints, there’s one place I always pass by, but… well, usually pass on, and that’s KFC.

I don’t know what it is. I like KFC. I grew up loving KFC, but I never crave KFC.

It just hasn’t done much to get me excited over the past decade plus. Its chicken sandwich was good enough, and I dug the little snack wraps that come and go, but outside of those, I can’t remember the last time I genuinely wanted KFC. Gimmicky Double Downs and wet nuggets didn’t excite me, but for some reason, the new Mashed Potato Poppers instantly grabbed my attention.

I’m a mark for any new potato product. I could sit here and explain all the preparations for potatoes I enjoy like a regular Benjamin Buford Blue, but we have word limits.

That said, potatoes are arguably the most versatile food on Earth, and it’s rare for something to hit the market that I’m unfamiliar with.

Mashed Potato Poppers are essentially what they sound like: clumps of mash fried into a crispy little ball. They exist somewhere between a tot and a croquette – at least, they should.

Calling these potato croquettes would be stolen valor, something ol’ Harland Sanders knows plenty about.

My poppers were anything but poppin’.

I expected a warm, crispy shell with a smooth mashed potato filling, but what I got was a crusty, bland fritter with an arid blotch of porous potato inside. Of the five in my order, I would say two were promising.

I see the vision. I think these are probably kinda good if eaten in the right occasion. Mine may have sat around a bit too long. I used the app on the way over to the restaurant (at a red light, relax) and didn’t arrive for another 3-5 minutes … which, come on, is not exactly a long time, but something tells me these actually “pop” if eaten immediately from the fryer.

When I think of KFC mashed potatoes, I think of powder mix. They might not prepare them that way, but I’m not even opposed. I have great nostalgia for KFC mashed potatoes. I expected these things to burst with a wet, goopy potato paste, but alas, mine were dry.

The poppers are served with a cup of gravy for dipping, and I’ll just say that gravy is trash. I had great memories of KFC gravy too, but this was just watery sewage runoff that absolutely did not enhance the poppers.

I’m willing to chalk my experience up to premature ordering, but I gotta score ‘em how I got ‘em. There’s no reason to ever get these over a fry or a wedge or even a side of mashed potatoes, but I still think you should try them on the off-chance I just got a bad batch.

I don’t think Mashed Potato Poppers are long for the menu, but I’d love to see the Colonel attempt some corn fritters in this style next.

Purchased Price: $3.00
Size: 5 Poppers
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (5 Poppers w/o gravy) 200 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 921 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Crunchin’ Cookie Dipped Cone

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Last year, some lucky Dairy Queen test markets were treated to a “Cookie Monster” dipped cone, a very blue offering with crushed-up bits of chocolate cookies in the cone dip itself. According to Dairy Queen, this results in the ultimate cookies and cream taste and texture. This Spring, the colorful cone has gone nationwide, and the chain dropped the monster moniker, introducing it instead as the Crunchin’ Cookie Dipped Cone. Apparently, this dip is brought to us only by the letters D and Q and not affiliated with any muppet-populated street. It hasn’t needed any famous tie-ins to gain popularity though; it’s already made a splash, and viral hacks using the dip have made their way onto the menu. On a recent springlike day, I tried this cookie concoction to see if it was all it was crunched up to be.

As a former Dairy Queen employee, I was trained to take my cone-struction pretty seriously, and I’m always a little disappointed to get one that doesn’t look exactly like it should. In defense of whoever made mine, they didn’t do too bad. It was missing the classic curl and could maybe have used a few more seconds in the cone dip, but this doesn’t affect the flavor or the fact that this is an eye-catching ice cream. I had hardly ventured out the door when I crossed paths with an elementary school-aged kid who let out an audible “Woah!” at the sight of this thing.

It’s hard to be in anything but a good mood when you’re holding an ice cream cone, and it’s even harder when that cone is enveloped in a blue shell studded with cookie pieces. This cone is just pure fun. The chocolate cookie chunks are small, really small, so they’re not adding a whole lot to the texture but as with any dipped cone, you get a satisfying crunch from biting into it. Some parts of the shell come off in small pieces, and others separate themselves in much larger chunks, which is a nice contrast to the smooth ice cream interior.

Flavorwise, things are creamy and overall sweet like you’d expect. The cookie specks are mostly too small to bring real chocolate flavor to the party, but they still give off a cookies and cream vibe, more akin to a Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme bar than an Oreo cookie. If you’re looking to up your intake of both dip and cookies, you can try one of the hacks. The first blends Crunchin’ Cookie Dip into an Oreo Blizzard and serves it alongside a small additional cup of liquid Cookie Dip, and the second layers Crunchin’ Cookie Dip with Oreo pieces and soft serve, parfait style. Not all locations offer these options, but even if you can’t get your mitts on them, this cone in its original form is a tasty and joyful treat that won’t leave you, or your tongue, feeling blue.

Purchased Price: $5.09
Size: Small Cone
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 320 calories, 15 grams of total fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of total carbs, 31 grams of total sugars, and 6 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Orange Cream Shake

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I miss Wendy’s Orange Creamsicle Frosty. Even though it’s only been gone for a year, I’d braid Wendy’s hair for her if I could taste that creamy, delicious treat again. Heck, I’d revive Dave Thomas and have him do commercials again if I could order a cup of that citrusy and vanilla-y dessert. But I don’t have the power to bring back the dead or the finger dexterity to braid long hair.

Instead, I will have to settle for the new Dairy Queen Orange Cream Shake that features orange flavoring mixed into DQ’s vanilla soft serve and finished with whipped topping.

As I waited in line to order, I looked at the sparse Orange Julius branding at the Dairy Queen. I felt guilty for betraying it by coming to a Dairy Queen with the intention of ordering an orange-flavored treat, but it being a new shake and not the citrusy beverage with decades of history behind it. Et tu, Brutus? But if given the option between an Orange Julius and this Dairy Queen Orange Cream Shake, I’d stab the Orange Julius, I mean, I’d pick the soft serve dessert ten out of ten times.

Nothing about its flavor strays from what we think when it comes to “orange cream” treats. From the first sip, the only thing that came to mind was an Orange Creamsicle, the popular ice cream truck offering. It has the perfect balance of citrus and cream. While it doesn’t quite have the same feel as a Wendy’s Frosty, this had a pleasant thick, icy, and creamy texture. Its delicious taste made me forget about Wendy’s orangey Frosty. As for the whipped topping, it does nothing to enhance the “cream” flavor, but that’s fine because this shake is way better than fine.

I will miss Dairy Queen’s Orange Cream Shake when it disappears from the menu. And I imagine a year from now, I’m going to want to braid the Dairy Queen’s hair for her to get a taste of this creamy, delicious treat again. I’d attempt to revive the Dairy King if I could order this citrusy and vanilla-y dessert again. Maybe by then, I’ll have the power to bring back the dead or the finger dexterity to braid hair.

Purchased Price: $5.49
Size: Small
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 610 calories, 27 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 81 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 73 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Burger King Steakhouse Bacon Whopper

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Burger King’s Steakhouse Bacon Whopper is not the chain’s first rodeo with A.1. Steak Sauce or including “Steakhouse” in a product’s name. I could look through this site’s archives and list all those instances, but instead, I’ll list something equally as extensive — the ingredients in this burger.

This limited-time offering features a 1/4 lb. flame-grilled beef patty topped with bacon, two tomato slices, lettuce, Swiss cheese, crispy onions, A.1. Sauce, and a creamy peppercorn aioli between a sesame seed bun. All those components created a hefty burger. In fact, when I received the bag that contained just the Whopper, I was surprised by how heavy it was. I almost dropped it in the drive-thru because I didn’t realize how firmly I needed to grip the bag.

Along with creating a weighty burger, all the elements of this Steakhouse Bacon Whopper result in something that tastes barbecue-esque. However, there were a few bites where the steak sauce’s flavor was noticeable. I guess the saucy equation of A.1. Sauce + peppercorn aioli = barbecue sauce. Even my wife thought there was some kind of barbecue sauce on this. Additionally, the crispy onions and bacon contributed to that BBQ flavor, which makes sense as onion rings and bacon are often featured on BBQ cheeseburgers.

While I understand the inclusion of A.1. Sauce because Kraft-Heinz probably has The King’s heir as a hostage or something like that, it’s a bit disappointing that the peppercorn aioli didn’t get to shine on its own because it’s a tasty peppery sauce. However, I wonder if it’s bold enough to carry an entire burger’s flavor. Maybe with the next “Steakhouse” Whopper?

The crispy onions provided a mild flavor with a satisfying crunch bolder than their taste. Lingering in the background were the bacon’s smokiness, the Swiss’ mild cheesiness, and the familiar flame-grilled flavor from the famous beef patty. The BK veggies did what they do best: add some texture and moisture to the mix. Although, the tomatoes also provided a bit of an acidic kick that cut through all the salty ingredients.

Overall, Burger King’s Steakhouse Bacon Whopper is a solid offering, especially for fans of “Western” barbecue cheeseburgers.

Purchased Price: $10.49*
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 890 calories, 53 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 130 milligrams of cholesterol, 1750 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 44 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Ham & Swiss Pretzel Sliders

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The promotional photos for Dunkin’s Ham & Swiss Pretzel Sliders feature two sliders with round fluffy buns. However, my order looked more like Dunkin’ Ham & Swiss Pretzel Smooshers, if you will.

I promise it wasn’t me who did that. I treated them like wounded baby birds when they were handed to me.

Those squished mounds you see above feature Black Forest ham, a honey mustard spread, and Swiss cheese between smashed King’s Hawaiian Pretzel Slider Buns. The two warm sandwiches came out of their sleeve like conjoined twins fused at the cheese. I thought their whole smooshy presentation gave off a school lunch-ish vibe. I don’t know why I felt that way because it’s been a while since I entered a school cafeteria.

While that sounds awful, after surgically separating the conjoined mini sandwiches with a butter knife, the first one I grabbed had an acrid aroma and flavor that reminded me of burnt food. However, the bun didn’t look burnt in any way. Not every bite I took from the slider tasted that way, and with the other one, I didn’t experience any burnt smells or flavors, which is a little weird since they were prepared simultaneously.

Despite their flatness, they tasted quite meaty. I guess when a slice of ham is folded over onto itself twice, there would be a decent ham wall. Because of this, the sliders have an exporksion of flavor with a hint of honey mustard and even less cheesiness. From what I could taste, the honey mustard was applied lightly to my order, which was disappointing since I love the condiment.

As for the buns, the salt crystals on them provided occasional big bursts of saltiness, but I wouldn’t say the buns had a pretzel taste to them. I don’t know if that initial acrid flavor I noticed was supposed to be it, but I hope not. However, while they lacked pretzel-ness, the buns were sweet enough that you could convince me that these were regular King’s Hawaiian sweet rolls.

Apart from the initial flavor twist, Dunkin’s Ham & Swiss Pretzel Sliders were just average. Since one of the sliders had an off taste while the other didn’t, I suspect I received a subpar slider. Even with the one that tasted normal, nothing about it excited my taste buds. My enthusiasm for the sliders was as deflated as the buns that came with them.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 2 sliders
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 sliders) 340 calories, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 1440 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar (including 13 grams of added sugar), and 19 grams of protein.