REVIEW: Taco Bell Decades Menu Caramel Apple Empanada

Throw on that pair of mismatched sunglasses from Pizza Hut and jump in the Delorean because we’re going BACK IN TIII-IIIIME!

… and I just realized that Back to the Future is closer to the OG release of the Caramel Apple Empanada than we are now and had a mini existential crisis.

Ahem. All good!

In case you missed the news, Taco Bell recently launched a Decades menu featuring favorites from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and now the 00s with the topic of this review, the Caramel Apple Empanada.

I’m not quite sure why we had to wait an additional three weeks for said empanada, but let me first assure you all that it was well worth the wait.

The shell is perfectly crisp and flaky, with a lovely tender, yet toothsome texture. The filling is a beautiful marriage of apple chunks with just enough texture to make themselves known without being overwhelming, and the sea of gooey caramel they are swimming in has a thick, unctuous mouthfeel that made me feel nostalgic for the days of butterfly hair clips, Smash Mouth, and way too much body glitter. The Bell managed to strike a perfect balance in the ratio of filling to crust as well, just enough that the crust is there to add texture and crunch, but still know when to step back and let the filling take center stage. Even the smell was perfect, a combination of pastry, sugar, and fryer grease that someone should eye for a limited edition scented candle or perhaps an empanada-shaped car air freshener.

Those of you who remember the OG CAE (Caramel Apple Empanada) will be thrilled to learn that, just like the original, the filling is served at roughly the temperature of the sun. Please be cautious when taking that first bite, lest you wind up with a tastebud impairing burn to go along with your dessert, especially if you’re a dessert-first kinda person like me.

All in all, the CAE is a delicious callback to a bygone era of Taco Bell, when there was a dessert on the menu you could pretend was vaguely healthy due to the presence of actual fruit imprisoned within its deep fried walls. The only demerit it receives is due to its unfortunately limited availability. So go get your hands on one while you can! Maybe if they sell well enough, Taco Bell will consider bringing them back on a more permanent basis. At least, a girl can hope.

Purchased Price: $1 with App Promotion ($2.99 regular price)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 280 calories, 13 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of total carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 14 grams of total sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Updated Taco Salad (2024)

There was a time when I ate a lot of Wendy’s chili. Everybody else would have their huge Bacon Cheese Whatever monstrosities, large fries, buckets of nuggets, and mega Frosties, and I would sit there, primly eating my fiber-rich, beany soup. My will was strong.

But I’ve weakened in my morals since then and have started experimenting with other Wendy’s fare, even burgers. But I still consider myself a Wendy’s Chili enthusiast, so I had to try the latest incarnation of its Taco Salad. This new incarnation of the classic entrée boasts new crispy chili lime tortilla strips, fire-roasted corn, and a “creamy zesty salsa” dressing, in addition to the standard ingredients: lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese, and, of course, chili.

When you open the plastic clamshell, it looks like a normal fast-food salad with a few tablespoons of corn kernels dropped on it; some of the corn had some visible char on it, but most did not. The other special ingredients—the seasoned tortilla strips, the creamy salsa dressing, and, of course, the chili–came separately. Considering the fact that my default portion was pretty close to filling the whole container before any of the add-ins went on, clearly construction of my bespoke salad would be a careful process.

If you eat Wendy’s chili regularly, then you know that sometimes it’s more watery than others. This time, it was pretty watery, so instead of dumping a bunch of it onto my salad and giving it a bath, I went in with a spoon and teased out the solid components, effectively straining out the water. I only got through about a third of the chili before I had enough for my plate, and I didn’t use all of the dressing because it seemed like too much of a good thing. If you want to eat this with all of the chili and all of the dressing, you are braver than I, and hopefully wearing clothes that don’t need to be dry-cleaned.

There is a lot going on in this salad, to put it mildly. I know saying, “It was like a party in my mouth” is totally played out, but my mouth was definitely experiencing some kind of festive event. I mostly enjoyed all the different flavors and textures, although the temperature fluctuation was a little strange; when I went from a forkful of pipping-hot chili to a cold clump of lettuce, it felt a little like something had gone wrong with my meal, but that’s just part of the experience.

Every component I can point to was good (although the “creamy salsa” dressing was basically just a less-tangy Ranch to my palate), yet I found trying to arrange perfect bites and get a little bit of everything in one mouthful was kind of…stressful. Next time I have it, and am confident I will have it again, I need to chillax and remember that I’m not being judged by the Wendy’s Police.

After all that, I’m pretty happy with this incarnation of the Taco Salad. Just be aware that assembling and eating the darned thing is more of a project than you might have been anticipating.

Purchased Price: $5.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Salad w/dressing) 640 calories, 39 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1550 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Starbucks Turkey Sage Danish

Alongside the usual sweet suspects like pumpkin spice, peppermint, and gingerbread, the 2024 Starbucks holiday menu brings a new savory offering in the form of the Turkey Sage Danish. It features turkey sausage lightly coated in béchamel sauce and wrapped up in a flaky pastry. As a firm believer that turkey and stuffing shouldn’t be relegated to only a small handful of days each year, I was excited to see if this snack could capture some of those flavors in a neat little dough package.

My danish arrived lightly warmed up, and when I pulled it out of the paper bag, I was pleasantly surprised to see it nicely browned in several places and generously scattered with herbs. Two sides of the pastry are folded over like little dough arms attempting to hug their filling but ultimately letting the turkey tumble out. The sausage crumbles aren’t exactly appealing, looking like the grayish meat morsels you might find in a Hot Pocket. I happen to love Hot Pockets, so that isn’t a knock on either product, but I don’t think anyone will look at these poultry pebbles and think, “Those look tasty!” When eaten alone, they aren’t particularly flavorful. The sausage itself doesn’t seem to have much seasoning, with most of the flavor here instead coming from the herb topping. The bottom of my danish was golden and crisp, and while the middle had a bit of a doughy, not quite done texture, other parts were puffed in the flaky layers you’d look for in a laminated pastry.

This has a very familiar taste that’s less “fancy bakery pastry” and more like a slightly underbaked Pillsbury crescent roll that’s been nestled up to the stuffing on your Thanksgiving plate. I love the sagey, herb flavors here and wish they would be even more pronounced. The béchamel is a welcome addition, bringing a little creamy note and preventing things from becoming too dry, but as stated in the description, there isn’t a whole lot of it.

Sizewise, this eats like a snack more than a breakfast. Mine had a few turkey sausage crumbles in the middle, but mostly what you see on the outside is what you get, maybe two tablespoons worth. Writing up the nutrition facts, I noticed that this item has less protein than the last coffee I reviewed. It seems to be a popular trend now to cram as much protein as possible into everything, but as someone not particularly worried about that, I was happy to eat this as a savory afternoon snack. I enjoyed the Turkey Sage Danish and would probably order it again if I was looking to scratch my stuffing itch while on the go, but if you want a filling breakfast or lunch, you’ll have to pay almost $10 and gobble up two of these.

Purchased Price: $4.95
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 270 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of total sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Midnight Cherry Freeze

Taco Bell’s new, limited edition Midnight Cherry Freeze is a Slurpee-esque frozen drink, but right off the bat, the flavor name sounded more like a type of Gatorade. This ended up being prescient, as that’s pretty much what it tasted like too.

I was expecting something primarily sugary and syrupy with undertones of the synthetic fruit flavors that, if you’re frequenting this junk food blog, you probably know and love, so I was really surprised by how tart it actually was. Yes, tartness is a flavor that’s typically associated with cherries, but Taco Bell’s website describes this as “A sweet, blue raspberry-flavored Freeze with a swirl of black cherry flavor,” so I was thinking that the blue raspberry would be more dominant here.

The color of my Freeze certainly supported that theory; it was practically solid blue, with some faint purply red patches on the very edges, which was the only hint that another flavor was mixed in there. (Granted, my drink was served in a colorfully designed opaque Decades cup per Taco Bell’s ongoing promotion, rather than the usual clear cup, which would have made striations of different colors more visible, but still, even swirling my straw around to try to find more of that cherry color yielded nothing.) Despite this visual imbalance, either the blue raspberry flavor was extremely weak or the black cherry flavor was extremely strong because the latter was what made an impression on me.

In addition to the tartness, my Freeze had that distinctive tangy, saline sharpness that reminded me of Gatorade just as much as its dramatic “cool sounding but ultimately irrelevant word plus fruit” naming scheme. The flavor was intense enough that even as a frozen beverage aficionado, I could barely finish my Regular size and was grateful when it was done. That intensity heightened even more when I got the occasional sip that was pure syrup: without the refreshing ice to balance it out, the taste came close to crossing over from mere tartness into sheer sourness. Blessedly, though, I did notice a crisp, almost biting aftertaste that reminded me of Sprite and helped reset my palate a bit before bracing myself for the next mouth-puckering sip.

My favorite part of this drink was probably the ice. I’m used to similar frozen beverages having a disappointingly inconsistent texture, where your first few sips are pure flavor and then you’re almost instantly left with a three-quarters-full cup of solid ice, all of the yumminess and color sucked straight out of it, but that issue was gracefully avoided here. This Freeze was well-blended enough that it was more plush than grainy, which meant I was able to get to nearly the very bottom of the cup before I was confronted with some small lumps of ice that I couldn’t slurp up.

If a craving for a frosty beverage strikes you, I wouldn’t suggest you “Freeze” what you’re doing just to check this one out. But if you happen to already be in the mood for Taco Bell and want to pick this up on the side, you could do worse. This Midnight Cherry is more like “Alright (very).”

Purchased Price: $4.02
Size: Regular (16 oz)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 34 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Sourdough Smashed Jack

Jack in the Box’s Sourdough Jack has existed for almost 30 years. The combination of a beef patty, hickory smoked bacon, tomato, melted Swiss-style cheese, mayo, and ketchup on toasted sourdough bread is a satisfying savory bomb of a sandwich. But I believe I’ve tasted something better that uses the chain’s sourdough — the Sourdough Smashed Jack.

The menu item features a smashed beef patty, American cheese, pickles, grilled onions, and Jack’s Boss Sauce on toasted sourdough bread. It’s basically a Classic Smashed Jack, but with the brioche bun swapped for sourdough bread. There’s also a version that comes with a second patty and bacon.

My taste buds were tantalized by the Sourdough Smashed Jack because they enjoyed the tasty Boss Sauce, which isn’t a new condiment and debuted with the original Smashed Jack. Although the classic version came out in January, I missed tasting it because it quickly sold out. But when it came back on the menu, I was distracted by newer, younger products, so I just got around to trying a Smashed Jack now.

Anyhoo, back to the sauce. It’s the primary reason why the Sourdough Smashed Jack tastes excellent. Its sweet and tangy flavor is “secret sauce”-like, and it’s enhanced by the onions and pickles. The orange cheese slice helped prevent the pickles and onions from falling out and gave the burger a welcome savory kick. As for the beef patty, I think it was smashed, or maybe it’s just thin, but it didn’t have the crispy edges that smashed burgers are known for. Although its meatiness comes through, I kind of wish this had a second patty. The sourdough bread was buttery, but like I’ve experienced with other menu items that feature it, it doesn’t have a notable flavor.

Jack in the Box Sourdough Smashed Jack is one savory, tangy, and tasty boss of a sandwich, thanks to that Boss Sauce. But I imagine it’s not that different tasting than the equally priced Classic Smashed Jack.

Purchased Price: $9.79
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 690 calories. No other nutritional numbers are available on the Jack in the Box website or app.