REVIEW: Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard

Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard

When I saunter into my local Dairy Queen and order a Blizzard, I do so because it tastes good and is the most efficient way to significantly exceed my recommended daily allowance of sugar and saturated fat. I don’t buy one because it’s pretty and will get me likes on Instagram. With many Blizzards featuring varying shades of brown with a mix of chunks, they don’t really match up with some of those made-for-social-media drinks at the place that sells overpriced coffee.

But the new Zero Gravity Blizzard — here for a limited time to celebrate the upcoming 50th anniversary of the July 20, 1969, moon landing — is a bit different.

For one thing, the name doesn’t even hint at its contents, unlike most Blizzard variations that pretty much give away the composition if you just ignore the superfluous superlatives, like outrageous or ultimate. This version offers Oreo cookie pieces mixed with cotton candy topping and vanilla soft serve, plus “space inspired iridescent blue and black swirls and galaxy sprinkles.” Even that description leaves some mystery, like what the heck is that whole last part? Well, it’s basically a lot of words and not a lot of taste.

I do have to give DQ credit for trying to up their game with this Blizzard and making an Instagram-worthy treat without going full Starbucks on us and using dragon fruit, passion fruit, or some other fruit that I’m not 100-percent certain really exists but don’t care enough to check.

Even so, this one is a bit of a letdown, starting with the name. In fact, Zero Gravity would be a good name for virtually any Blizzard variety except this one. We all know the standard presentation method for a Blizzard is a quick upside-down flip by the server, possibly followed by a smile and/or thank you (but those are optional). With the Zero Gravity, however, the DQ employee sheepishly explained that she was not going to turn it upside-down because “a lot of it would probably fall out.”

Huh? Does this even qualify as a Blizzard?

She hurried off before I had a chance to question this shocking revelation or inquire whether said Blizzard would be free because I vaguely remember that being the deal between the Queen of cow juice and her loyal subjects—that a Blizzard presented without the wrist-flip would be free.

Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard Tilt

So what did I do? Not wanting to fully test the power of gravity, I gave my “Zero Gravity” Blizzard a very slight and quick tilt. Gravity did indeed respond at a level well above zero and promptly sent some of my Blizzard on to the table of questionable cleanliness, as the photo attests.

Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard Blue

Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard Below

So what I had was an inaccurately named yet pretty spiffy-looking Blizzard. Now here’s the second letdown…it doesn’t taste that great. Sure, the mix of soft serve and Oreo is good, but the cotton candy flavor is very faint and hard to distinguish. The mysterious blue and black swirls have virtually no taste, and neither do the sprinkles; all that added was some shimmer and sparkle. Essentially what you have is a very colorful Oreo blizzard, which after you get past the top layer is considerably less colorful.

Dairy Queen Zero Gravity Blizzard Spoon

The Zero Gravity Blizzard is like one of those checks you get in the mail for some class action lawsuit about defective jelly beans in which you had no idea you were involved. You can tell from the envelope that it’s a check and perhaps get a little excited, until you open it and see that it’s for $1.21. An unexpected check like that is not bad, but it’s a bit disappointing and not what you had hoped for. Just like the Zero Gravity Blizzard.

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: Small
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts:: (Small) 670 calories, 26 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 98 grams of carbohydrates, -1 grams of dietary fiber*, 80 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*It would seem to defy the laws of mathematics to have -1 grams of fiber, but that’s what it says on the DQ website and the Internet never lies.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Caramel Cannonball Blizzard

Dairy Queen Caramel Cannonball Blizzard

What is the Caramel Cannonball Blizzard?

It’s the most vaguely named of the newest offerings on Dairy Queen’s 2019 Summer Blizzard menu. Yes, it has caramel, and a lot of it, with that word appearing three times in what DQ says is a mix of vanilla soft-serve with caramel-coated caramel truffles, toffee pieces, and caramel topping.

How is it?

Do you know how in fast food commercials the people eating are always smiling, laughing and generally looking a bit too overjoyed to be munching on a $5 value meal? That’s how I behaved while eating this Blizzard, which was a little strange since I was dining alone. But it was just that good, even great.

Dairy Queen Caramel Cannonball Blizzard Spoonful

The caramel topping brings a light brown color to the mix and a subtle flavor to the soft-serve, and the toffee pieces add a nice crunch and buttery taste that pairs perfectly with the topping. But the caramel-coated caramel truffles really complete the mix, even beyond their alliterative brilliance. The coating would have been good on its own, but when you bite into a truffle and release the gooey caramel trapped inside you’ll find yourself furiously digging around for the next one.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Another similar truffle, the chocolate-coated caramel variety, has been used sparingly by DQ in past Blizzard concoctions, including the Triple Truffle (along with fudge and peanut butter), and a salted caramel truffle was featured in the not-so-creatively-named Salted Caramel Truffle Blizzard. This version appears to be the first time a caramel-coated caramel one has been thrown into the mix, and I hope it’s not the last.

Dairy Queen Caramel Cannonball Blizzard Caramel Truffle

I must admit that truffle is one of those words I’ve never been completely clear on and been too lazy to seek clarification. I know what the Truffle Shuffle is from watching “The Goonies” countless times, but I’ve always thought it was a type of mushroom.

It turns out they’re not, but they’re a mushroom-like fungus. Not being a fan of mushrooms or mushroom-like fungi, I’ve generally stayed away from them, only to find out that chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, etc. truffles are named simply because of their resemblance to the fungus. The point of that little story is to let any other linguistically-challenged readers rest easy in knowing that there are no mushrooms or fungi in this Blizzard, just sugary goodness.

Conclusion:

It’s always tempting to say the last great thing you had was the greatest ever, and with plenty of tasty Blizzard flavors over the years I’ll refrain from crowning this one king (or perhaps more appropriately, queen) of all Blizzardtopia. But for me, this one is a rightful heir to the throne, and with an untimely demise or two from above, I might bow down and say this is my favorite of all-time.

Purchased Price: $2.89
Size: Mini
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Mini) 470 calories, 21 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat,
0.5 gram of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 50 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Brownie Dough Blizzard

Dairy Queen Brownie Dough Blizzard

What is the Brownie Dough Blizzard?

One of Dairy Queen’s new summer Blizzard treats. Refusing to be categorized as cookie dough or brownie batter, brownie dough is, as far as I can tell, basically a chewy brownie ball of no special significance. Dairy Queen is serving them blended with soft serve, choco chunks, and cocoa fudge to complete the chocolate trinity.

How is it?

Two words: Wonderfully chocolatey.

Also, chewy and crunchy.

Dairy Queen Brownie Dough Blizzard Spoonful

To be sure, there’s no difference in the Blizzard’s flavor or composition from Dairy Queen’s Choco Brownie Extreme Blizzard Treat, which, instead of “brownie dough,” uses “chewy brownie pieces.” The dough balls in mine were chewy and modestly fudgy, punctuated by bursts of crunchy and sweet chocolate thanks to a plentiful supply of choco chunks. Unfortunately, there were no extra-chewy end pieces. But there was ice cream, which, blended with fudge, made a classic chocolate and vanilla twist base.

Is there anything else you should know?

Dairy Queen Brownie Dough Blizzard Brownie Chunk

If you’re the kind of person who cannot refrain from leaving a comment about how these dough balls are in no way, shape, or form as good as the brownies you made after watching Alton Brown’s 2002 Good Eats episode “Art of Darkness II,” I’m going to preempt you and tell you that you’re right. But they’re still pretty okay.

Conclusion:

Semantics aside, if you like brownies, which most human beings do, you should like this Blizzard. It’s a good mixture of crunchy and chewy chocolate textures swimming in an ocean of creamy soft serve — in other words, the perfect summer treat.

Purchased Price: $2.89
Size: Mini
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Mini) 400 calories, 17 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of dietary fiber, 46 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard

Dairy Queen Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard

What is the Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard?

Dairy Queen’s Blizzard of the Month for April brings together three veterans of the Blizzard universe — Oreo cookie pieces, chocolate chip cookie dough, and fudge — which of course is all blended with vanilla soft serve.

How is it?

It’s not life-altering, but this one ranks solidly in the upper echelon of tasty Blizzard combinations. I’ve never met an Oreo-infused Blizzard that I didn’t like, and the one-two punch of that classic chocolate cookie crunch and fudge is always good, and then the cookie dough adds another level to the experience.

Dairy Queen Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard Swimming

This has a complex and satisfying flavor combo, especially considering it has only three things mixed in. Plus, the blending of textures here is a bit unique in that is has the crunch of the Oreo wafers and the soft chewiness of the dough. A good number of other Blizzards have just one consistency — be it crunchy, gooey, or chewy — so having two together is a nice change of pace. The cookie dough also prevents this one from hitting the point where there’s too much chocolate, even though that’s a difficult threshold to achieve.

Dairy Queen Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard Spoonful

It’s not the most creative concoction, but props to DQ for not over-hyping the name like they sometimes do by adding “extreme,” “ultimate,” “awesome,” or “blizztastic.” (OK, so it never used that last one, but I wanted to get that term out there so if it ever does, then I can file a frivolous lawsuit for theft of intellectual property.)

Is there anything else you need to know?

This Blizzard might be the record-breaker for the longest gap between the original introduction and re-introduction. According to TIB’s handy dandy Blizzards of the Month chronology, this one was first unveiled back in September 2009 and has since been in hibernation. Nearly a decade later, it’s back. Why now? I have no idea. Maybe because it debuted before Instagram, so the Blizzard wizards at DQ simply forgot they’d already done this flavor.

Conclusion:

If I were a teacher and my job was to grade Blizzards, then I would never take a vacation or even complain about the low pay. And I would give this one a high B or low A, depending on what other Blizzards were in my class and if I was using the flawed bell curve system.

Will I be sad when April is over and the Oreo Cookie Jar Blizzard is gone? Yeah, somewhat, but I’m sure the Blizzard of the Month for May will cheer me up, especially if by some miracle DQ brings back the Nerds Blizzard (Google it, and I dare you not to run out and make it yourself after reading about it).

Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: Small
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Small) 710 calories, 27 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat,
0.5 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 106 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 75 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

QUICK REVIEW: Dairy Queen Secret Menu Coffee Oreo Blizzard

Dairy Queen Secret Menu Coffee Oreo Blizzard

What is the Coffee Oreo Blizzard?

The Coffee Oreo Blizzard fulfills my childhood dream of being an ice cream secret agent. This “secret” menu item tasks my alter ego secret agent DQ7 with requesting coffee syrup to be blended with the standard vanilla base and Oreo cookie pieces.

How is it?

Dairy Queen Secret Menu Coffee Oreo Blizzard 2

The basic request for a coffee infusion added a flavor so light that I thought it was undercover itself. A slight mocha note peaks its shy head up in the bites that are light on Oreo magic. A spoonful consisting of cookies galore on the other hand drown out the faint whispers of coffee flavor found in their absence. This raises the vanilla floor, but the Oreo cookie ceiling isn’t even raised enough for Oddjob. The coffee syrup is a pleasant but uninspiring addition.

Is there anything else you need to know?

I take any opportunity to don a tuxedo and affect a terrible, and probably offensive, British accent. It is however completely unnecessary when ordering from the “secret” menu. At least based upon the lack of a convoluted plot to slowly lower me into a gigantic bladed Blizzard stirrer.

Dairy Queen Secret Menu Coffee Oreo Blizzard 3

To order the Coffee Oreo Blizzard for yourself, simply ask for coffee syrup to be added to the Oreo Cookie Blizzard. If you want more than just a hint of coffee, ask them to double it. Just don’t ask for it to be shaken and not stirred unless you enjoy exasperated eye rolls. I was not charged extra for the coffee flavoring, but they may have been scared of my license to chill.

Conclusion:

My first mission as a Dairy Queen secret agent ended satisfactorily. Coffee flavor fans will find this hack to be neutral at worst, and at best, an incremental upgrade unworthy of Q. Next time, I will ask for a heavier hand with the java juice.

Purchased Price: $4.19
Size: Medium
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: None available.

QUICK REVIEW: Dairy Queen Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard

Dairy Queen Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard

What is it?

A new Blizzard gracing the menu for September, snickerdoodle cookie dough and cinnamon sugar mixed with vanilla soft serve.

How is it?

The Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard reminds me of the fantasy football draft I participated in while eating it. The prospect of cinnamon sugar cookie dough leaves me salivating just as a new season’s roster full of fantasy goodness does. Unfortunately, both end the same way as well —- with me chagrined.

Dairy Queen clearly spent its first pick on cinnamon sugar rather than invest in a bell-cow cookie dough. The base presents a heavy cinnamon flavor that pervades throughout in spite of DQ fumbling at thoroughly mixing my Blizzard. Meanwhile, the promised sugar teammate provides the distinct crunch and fun grit that one expects to find in a snickerdoodle.

Dairy Queen Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard 2

Despite the hot start, the cookie dough fails to impress. While it contains the standard soft and gritty DQ texture, whatever innate flavor the dough possesses is entirely overwhelmed by the cinnamon sugar ice cream. Furthermore, the pieces lack any hint of the tanginess found in a traditional snickerdoodle cookie. Rather than serving as a star player, this relegates the dough to a flex spot. This predictably caps the Blizzard’s upside. And I realized this as I was being kicked out of a league for trying to draft Cookie Monster at QB.

Is there anything else I need to know?

The Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard is the only new offering on Dairy Queen’s Fall Blizzard Menu. Also available are the returning Oreo Hot Cocoa, Dipped Strawberry with Ghirardelli, and September’s Blizzard of the Month, Pumpkin Pie.

Conclusion:

Dairy Queen Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard 3

Dairy Queen replicates the superficial elements of a snickerdoodle cookie, but it fails to capture enough of its spirit to truly impress. The end of the cup didn’t leave me dejectedly crying in the shower like this year’s draft, but it isn’t taking home the Shiva Bowl Trophy either.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Mini
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Mini) 400 calories, 16 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, .5 gram of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 42 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

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