I outgrew a lot of things, shedding interests like Beat Takeshi dispatches bodies in his awesome Yakuza films. I outgrew “yo mama” jokes. I outgrew my obsession with INXS. I even outgrew prank calling Chinese people claiming I was a pizza delivery guy and someone better Goddamn pay me or else (sorry Yen Sun wherever you are). To be honest, *69 proved to be my Kryptonite and effectively stopped me from my misdemeanant hobby. But you know? I have never outgrown cereal.
Hopping off my glorious Vespa, I arrogantly parked my scoot right by the side of the automatic double glass doors. Walking past the scowls of employees and customers, I was in Target looking for two things: some plug-in air fresheners and Frosted Flakes. Even though I enjoy eating the occasional fancy lad food (shaved truffles may have lost some of its allure thanks to the nouveau riche infection but they sure are tasty), a simple bowl of cereal comforts me like none other.
I can eat a bowl for any meal or a late night snack. I love eating “mini-wheats” out of the box as if they were cookies. Is it the perfect comfort food? No, but it is close since cereal is so familiar and convenient. And if youâ€™re a faithful reader of The Impulsive Buy, you can tell that we have more choices than ever for cereal.
My selection for cereal is shameless. As an adult man who favors blazers, I feel like I should really be ordering a proper drink (and I do! Chin, chin!!) regardless if I act like an adult at the end of the night. An adult man ordering a JÃ¤gerbomb is plain embarrassing. Donâ€™t even get me started on the Red Bull and vodkatinisâ€¦Iâ€™d rather be caught drinking a can of Four Loko wearing a shiny shirt with a spiky fade.
Ah, but cereal! Lovely sexy cereal with milk and the silver spoon, I lurve you. I would be happy with a bowl of Lucky Charms as I would be with a bowl of fart inducing Weetabix topped with blueberries. I have no problem eating Froot Loops while watching something responsible where everyone speaks in English accents. My love affair with all things cereal is one of the few constants in my life.
You know suicide sodas? Mixing all the flavors from the dispensers to create an amalgam of sugary fizzy goodness? Iâ€™m like that with cereals. Like a chemist, I would mix some Corn Flakes with Alpha-Bits and some puffy Kix to top it off. So just when I thought I couldnâ€™t top off my cereal porn anymore, I found a box of Kelloggâ€™s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran.
Raisin Brain is like your old standard, like Tony Bennett. Itâ€™s not something I want to listen to all the time but when I do, itâ€™s pretty damn good. I like Raisin Bran but need to be in the mood for it. I engulfed a box of it when I recuperated from my car accident. I always thought it made my skim milk creamier and I loved the sweet chewiness from the slightly soggy raisins. So this version reminds me of the Michael BublÃ© take of Raisin Bran.
The box eschews any thoughts that this is your Grandfatherâ€™s Raisin Bran with “Cinnamon Almond” blazed on to the box with a yellow brown background. The famous “Two scoops!” tagline and the earnest looking sun holding exactly two scoops beckons you to open that box.
Upon ripping the cellophane bag, the waft of toasted wheat and sweet raisins welcomed me. There is a pleasant but very faint smell of baked cinnamon rolls that emanates way in the background but this is cereal not wine. The cereal had quite a few raisins sans “plump” but there were seldom any almonds in my bowl. I dumped the bowl back into the package. This time I shook up the box like I’d shake any convicted bastard in a shaken baby case to see how they like it and poured another. The result was the same, a good amount of raisins but the thin slivers of almonds were so few.
The almonds were supposedly toasted as well but I couldnâ€™t taste it. Eating a few without milk confirmed my suspicions. The cinnamon is so faint that it basically whispers “Hey donâ€™t forget about me.” Knowing that most people eat their cereal in milk, I went ahead and proceeded to dine like the normals do hoping that the cinnamon taste would be more prevalent.
The milk did indeed emphasize the slight cinnamon taste. In fact, I think the cinnamon was now whispering, “Here I am. See? Why didnâ€™t you believe me? You have trust issues.” Definitely, the cinnamon smell was stronger than the taste. While it does state that the cinnamon is dusted but damnâ€¦I think there is more cinnamon flavor if I sucked on the box. Most of the cinnamon taste was in the milk left after youâ€™ve eaten it all.
Regarding the line that breaches the crunchy/soggy measure, if it takes you more than a few minutes to eat a bowl you are either: eating too big of a bowl or you donâ€™t like the cereal. Iâ€™ve never done formal tests but Iâ€™m assuming most people take a couple of minutes or so to eat cereal.
I went ahead and let the bran sit in milk for exactly 120 seconds and it stayed crunchy. The raisins rehydrated slightly which is good but plumpness is overly optimistic. Another plus? The good news is that if you like Raisin Bran you will not be disappointed because it tastes like Raisin Bran with some almonds your jerky younger brother threw in there to be funny. Now I like Raisin Bran but I really was hoping for a different spin on the cereal.
My love for cereal is still strong but I would not buy this again. I can only eat so much Raisin Bran and I can only listen to so much Rat Packy/Swing Jazz standards. Now please tell my wife to turn off the Michael BublÃ©. My ears are bleeding.
(Nutrition Facts â€“ 1 1/4 cup (cereal only) – 200 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 260 milligrams of potassium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kelloggâ€™s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like Raisin Bran. Stays crunchy and makes your milk slightly cinnamony. Prank phone calls. People scowling at you. Beat Takeshiâ€™s films.
Cons: It tastes like Raisin Bran. The cinnamon taste is barely there. Few measly slivers of almonds. Taste wise, the only toasted thing were the flakes. Justifying prank calling by telling myself Iâ€™m only goofing on my own nationality so I wonâ€™t feel guiltyâ€¦Damn you *69! Michael BublÃ©.