(Editor’s Note: This review contains references to bowel movements and many different forms of the word “poop.†If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not continue. If you are comfortable with this and have a laptop, this review would make great reading material while backing a big brown caddie out of the garage. Enjoy.)
They say death, taxes, and our doo-doo stinking are the only three things that we can be certain of in this lifetime.
By now you’re probably used to the smell of your own dookie, but sometimes, depending on what you ate, the smell of your own Lincoln Logs can overwhelm you. Of course, there are many products out there that help with the smell of your brown torpedos, like aerosol spray air fresheners, scented candles, matches, and clothespins.
But there are problems with each of these things. With aerosol sprays, unless you want a shower of it coming on you, you can’t spray it while making a deposit at the porcelain bank. Scented candles take a while before its scent is in the air, and by that time, you might be done with giving birth to a buttsnake. With matches, you could possibly burn your fingers or have the urge to light your farts. As for clothespins, they just plain hurt when you pinch your nose with them.
Over the past year, I’ve noticed that many households here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been using Poop Water, which is brought to us by our friends in Japan, who have also given us such great products as the Sony PSP, Toyota Camry, and anime porn.
Okay, the product’s name isn’t actually Poop Water, I just gave it that name because I don’t know how to translate its real Japanese name, Toire Sonoatoni Kyoryokuittekisyosyu. You would think two years of college Japanese classes would help me translate that, but the only complex sentence I can put together in Japanese is, “Geri ga arimasu,†which means, “I have diarrhea.â€
My poor Japanese language abilities also made it impossible to translate the Poop Water’s instructions. Fortunately, there were diagrams on the packaging which explained how to use it.
Anyway, this product is basically a deodorizing liquid for those times when the upside down volcano is erupting. Adding two drops of Poop Water into the toilet before, during, or after taking a Number Two, will destroy the smell of your Winnie the Poohs. After days of testing, the Poop Water almost instantly got rid of the smell coming from my butt nuggets.
It should also help when taking a leak after eating asparagus. Unfortunately, I hate asparagus, so I couldn’t test this theory out.
At first, the clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell of the Poop Water annoyed my nose, but by the third use, I was used to it. But then again, almost anything smells better than when I download some brownware.
After initial testing, the only reoccurring problem I’ve had with the Poop Water was remembering to use it while making a Madonna movie. Since the Poop Water bottle is very small (holds 20 mL), I sometimes don’t notice it, so I don’t use it, because as they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.â€
Although the Poop Water bottle is very small, a bottle of it should last four to six months, depending on how much fiber you eat.
Item: Poop Water
Purchase Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Only two drops needed. Works almost instantly. Clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell. Better than using a clothespin to combat the smell of caca.
Cons: Pricey for such a small bottle. Might be hard to find for most people. Might not remember to use it while building ass rockets.