Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter

Marvo 18 Comments

Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter

I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.

Every time I buy one, I know it’s not going to taste good and I’m going to write a crappy review about it.

I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.

Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because I’m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, “There can’t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.”

Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.

Well I guess I’ll keep buying them and I’ll keep getting burned.

It’s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.

You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didn’t have to eat the low-carb crap that’s available today.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.

Anyway, the newest way I’ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.

It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. It’s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butter…

Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butter… Um, it really doesn’t.

So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.

Less peanuts? That explains the taste.

According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, “What the hell makes up the other 35 percent?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isn’t Splenda.

(Reading label)

Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.

Dammit, Splenda! Why can’t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way you’d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, “I Love the 2000s” where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.

So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?

We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.

Only two less grams of carbs?

So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins!

DAMN YOU!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.

Canon PowerShot A85

Marvo 13 Comments

Canon PowerShot A85

As many of you know, earlier this month, my digital camera broke and I had to buy a new one. Many of you also know that it broke while I was taking photos of a product I was planning to review.

Um, that last part was a lie. It actually broke while I was taking photos of myself.

Why was I taking photos of myself? I needed self-portraits for the online dating service I’m planning to sign up for.

Although I’m scared to try an online dating service, because who knows what kind of freaky-deeky girl I might end up on a date with? But then again, freaky-deeky sounds pretty good…because I’m desperate.

Anyway, the new digital camera I bought was the Canon PowerShot A85. I actually wanted the $200 3.2-megapixel Canon PowerShot A75, but NOBODY had it in stock, so I had to buy the more expensive, 4-megapixel PowerShot A85.

While researching digital cameras, I had to read a lot of reviews. These reviews got pretty boring because they explained things like aperture, ISO, exposure, blah, blah, blah. See it’s pretty boring.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we’re not going to bore you with stuff like that, instead we will ask hypothetical questions that include scenarios most people would use a camera for and find out if the PowerShot A85 would do a good job in each of these scenarios.

Question #1

“I just gave birth to my daughter, her name is Melody, and I want to take pictures of all the important moments of her young life, like her first steps, her first tooth, and her appearance in the possible future movie Baby Geniuses 3, but I’m not knowledgeable about photography. Is it easy to take photos with this camera?”

Yes. There’s an Auto Mode that lets the camera do almost all the work, like figuring out the appropriate aperture and shutter speed. All you have to do is point and shoot. The Auto Mode takes great pictures and those pictures will help psychiatrists understand why Melody doesn’t like you for forcing her to be in what will probably be, if they make it, one of the worst movies EVER.

Question #2

“I’m 70-years-old, technophobic, and don’t own a computer. Is this camera good for taking photos of my beautiful, but bratty grandchildren?”

No. I’ve learned that elderly people with technophobia and digital cameras don’t mix. It’s like sticking a gun in the hands of the Dalai Lama.

As for the lack of a computer, you might be fine there because this camera allows direct printing from the camera to special Canon printers.

On second thought, the technophobia will definitely come into play here because if you can’t set the time on your VCR, you probably won’t be able to figure out how to print your grandchildren’s photos from your camera.

Question #3

“Is this camera good for when I go to Mardi Gras and take pictures of women flashing their boobs?”

Yes. When a woman flashes her boobs, make sure the camera is set to the Fast Shutter option. This allows you to take better photos of those shy women who show their boobs really fast, without the risk of blurred photos. Also, make sure you have a lot of bead necklaces.

Question #4

“I read that the PowerShot A85 allows me to take video clips. Would this be a good option for finding out if my significant other is cheating on me by hiding the camera in the bedroom?”

No. The video quality for digital still cameras isn’t as good as it would be for real video cameras. Video quality is important in these circumstances because I’m sure you would like to know who your significant other is cheating with so you can hunt that person down. Also, depending on the size of your memory card, the camera can’t take very long clips.

Question #5

“I’m planning to sign up for one of those online dating services and I need to take a picture of myself. I’m not very good looking and when I tried to take a self-portrait of myself, the digital camera I was using broke down on me. Will this camera break if I take a picture of myself?”

Yes AND No. Are you wearing a paper bag over your head when you take the picture? If you are, the camera won’t break. If you aren’t wearing one, I highly suggest you do NOT take a self-portrait because the camera will break.

Also, if you’re extremely claustrophobic and you might suffocate with a paper bag on your head, a big sheet of paper in front of your face can be used instead of a paper bag.

Conclusion

Overall, I liked this camera. It takes great shots and has a great battery life, since it takes four AA batteries to power it. The PowerShot A85 is great for those who just want to point and shoot or for those control freaks that like manual options.

It’s a great camera for almost any scenario you may face.

Editor’s Note: For more product reviews go check out our friends at the Message Whore.

Item: Canon Powershot A85
Purchase Price: $279.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for taking pictures of flashing boobs. Allows direct printing from camera to special Canon printers. Won’t break when ugly people take self-portraits with a paper bag over their head.
Cons: Video option isn’t good for trying to catch your significant other cheating on you. Too complex for elderly, technophobic people.

Chex Mix for Kids

Marvo 8 Comments

Chex Mix for Kids

Editor’s Note: I guess many of you are interested in who won the 100th Review Prize Drawing. I’m pleased to announce that after rolling over the 64 entries with my sweaty naked body and letting them fall off of my body, the winner of the prize drawing is Ayesha97.

Sorry, there aren’t any pictures of me rolling around in the entries because…Um, read tomorrow’s review and you’ll understand. So what does Ayesha97 win? Um, that will be decided this weekend, but we promise it will be kick ass.

Thank you to all of those who entered the drawing. Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.

When I was young, I remember whenever I had alphabet soup I would just sit in front of my bowl and spell swear words.

Of course, since my age wasn’t in the double digits, the extent of my profanity didn’t go beyond “boob,” “butt,” “doo-doo,” “pee-pee,” and “ding-dong.”

As many of you know, I still play with food, except I don’t play with it alone, if you know what I’m saying, baby. I gots me some creamy chocolate pudding with your name on it, baby.

Oh, sorry.

I’m sure many of you also played with your food and got scolded by your parents, because they probably heard something from Miss Manners, who said it wasn’t proper to play with food. Well Miss Manners sounds like the boring type who only does it missionary style, so I don’t think we should listen to her.

Besides, it seems like many of the foods today that focus on kids, encourage them to play with food.

Case in point, these new Chex Mix for Kids. In each package are crackers and pretzels that come in various shapes, along with Chex cereal. This particular package I picked up was the Castle Adventure Pizza Flavor, so there were pieces that looked like swords, shields, and dragon heads.

Tara Reid Chex

It was fun creating scenes using the Chex Mix. I created a few medieval scenes, which included a two knights jousting and a knight battling a dragon. However, I eventually got bored with the whole medieval thing and used my imagination to come up with other scenes.

My favorite one was a scene I created where a drunken Tara Reid accidentally has both of her boobs pop out of her dress while on the Red Carpet in front of photographers (see picture on left).

Editor’s Note: Originally I said “see picture on right,” but many readers pointed out that the picture is on the left. Yes, I made a mistake and I blame it on my preoccupation with the pretzel boobs in the picture.

After playing with the Chex Mix for a while, I finally got around to eating it.

While chomping on Tara Reid’s pretzel boobs, I couldn’t taste the pizza flavor very well. Even the crackers had a light pizza taste. However, the Chex cereal had a strong pizza flavor.

One of the things I like about the Chex Mix for Kids is the fact that it’s baked and not fried, which is good because I ate over half the bag while watching the New England Patriots dismantle the Indianapolis Colts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, with the rest of the Chex Mix for Kids, I’m going to recreate the moment when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up.

Item: Chex Mix for Kids (Pizza Flavored)
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Fun to play with…the Chex Mix that is. Baked not fried. Able to recreate any medieval scene or a Tara Reid boobie slip.
Cons: The pizza taste is mostly on the Chex cereal, not enough on the pretzels and crackers.

Edge Advanced Shaving Gel

Marvo 11 Comments

Edge Advanced

Being the editor of a quasi-product review blog has a lot of perks. I get to try new things, meet a lot of nice people, and beautiful women want to hang out with me.

Okay, the last one isn’t true.

However, with the Impulsive Buy being kind-of-sort-of popular, I sometimes feel like I’m a quasi-celebrity. Sort of like Kato Kaelin, except not as famous and even less attractive.

If there’s one downside to being a quasi-product review blog editor, it’s that I’ve accumulated a lot of personal care products. I’ve got a better personal care product selection than the convenience store down the street.

For example, I’ve got SEVEN open tubes of toothpaste. SEVEN!

You don’t believe me?

Well there’s the Colgate Max Fresh with Mini Breath Strips, the Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze, the four that came in the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, and the tube of Colgate Total that I opened when the Impulsive Buy was just a twinkle in my eye.

Hey, does toothpaste ever go bad?

Anyway, with today’s review of the new Edge Advanced Shaving Gel, it brings my total of shaving gels/creams in my bathroom to three. This includes The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and the can of regular Edge Shaving Gel that I’ve hardly used for the past six months. I’ve hardly used it because almost every other week I attempt to grow a beard, goatee, or muttonchops.

I’ve been using the Edge Advanced daily since last week and despite all that shaving, I couldn’t find anything “advanced” about it. I even did one of those side-by-side comparisons that Consumer Reports would probably do, where I put regular Edge Shaving Gel on one half of my face and Edge Advanced on the other half.

I got nothing from that.

I guess the most important thing is that it gets the job done, meaning it prevent my face from getting cuts and also prevent my face from feeling like I just dipped it in lava.

Because the Edge Advanced did accomplish those things, maybe it did provide the extra protection, like the can says. However, the regular Edge Shaving Gel has also prevented cuts and that burning sensation.

Anyway, if a shaving gel is going to call itself “advanced” it should be able to shave for me, or even better, kill the hair follicles on my face so I don’t have to shave anymore.

Side Note: I have not and will not try to put Nair on my face. The smell alone makes my nose hairs wilt.

I guess the best part about the Edge Advanced Shaving Gel was its can, which has this cool hologram image on it. Move the can around and watch the hologram go.

It’s the perfect thing that will occupy your dog, infant, or stoned friend.

Item: Edge Advanced Shaving Gel
Purchase Price: $2.76
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cool hologram image on can, man. It’s new. May provide extra protection that you won’t notice.
Cons: Not really advanced. Won’t shave my face for me. Won’t kill hair follicles.

Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger

Marvo 10 Comments

You know the name of a burger is too long when it has more words than the total number of times Jennifer Lopez has been engaged.

Congratulations should go out to Burger King and their Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger for this wordage monstrosity.

I can also tell it’s too long, because I have a hard time saying, “Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger” really fast five times in a row.

Go ahead. You try and say it. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here.

(Moments later)

Did you mess up?

You didn’t? Dammit! Are you an auctioneer or something?

Editor’s Note: So I don’t have to type Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger all the frickin’ time, from this point on I will refer to it as ABCRSB (pronounced ab-ceer-sbee).

A few months ago, Burger King introduced the Angus Steak Burger. The Impulsive Buy tried both the original Angus Steak Burger and the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, which I reviewed in September.

In that review, I didn’t think much of the burger’s peppery sauce, but thought it was a hefty burger and the Angus meat was good.

I also didn’t like its name because it was a dropped letter “g” away from being called the Anus Steak Burger, which wouldn’t make it very appetizing, unless you like tossing salad.

Well I guess those Angus burgers were successful enough to warrant (heh, heh) a new burger using Angus beef, hence the ABCRSB.

So what’s different between the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger and the ABCRSB?

The only differences seem to be the ABCRSB’s sauce (a creamy ranch sauce), and the type of cheese (cheddar cheese). However, the creamy ranch sauce hardly added much to the burger, since I really couldn’t taste it.

What’s even more disappointing was the cost of the ABCRSB Value Meal, which was a dollar more than the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger Value Meal. I don’t know if the extra dollar can be justified since the creamy ranch sauce and the cheddar cheese REPLACES the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger’s peppery sauce and whatever cheese they used.

So I can’t decide what to call that, either a bloody ripoff or a frickin’ scam.

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the ABCRSB. There’s nothing really special about it, except for the fact that it’s made out of Angus beef, but I’ve tasted better burgers that weren’t made out of it.

Well if you’re interested in trying one, do it quick because the ABCRSB is only here for a limited time.

Item: Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $6.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hearty burger. Angus beef. Oooh, bacon.
Cons: Very pricey. Weak Ranch taste. Really long name and hard to pronounce when saying it really fast five times in a row (At least for me).