Harcos Laboratories, the same company that brought us Zombie Blood Energy Potion and Blood Energy Potion, recently released their first chewable product — Zombie Jerky.
Sadly, it’s also their first non-caffeinated product.
The slimy green beef jerky (yes, slimy green) comes in an orange biohazard bag and is teriyaki flavored. Hmmâ€¦teriyaki flavored? I always imagined zombie flesh would taste like roadkill marinated in radioactive sludge with a hint of maggots.
A serving of Zombie Jerky contains only one gram of fat and 13 grams of protein. It’s currently available via the Harcos Labs website and a 1.25 ounce bag retails for $4.99.
I thought Eggo waffles were only good as syrup sponges, but after waking up from a syrup induced coma with my face in a pool of Mrs. Buttersworth’s, I found out they have redeeming nutritional qualities. There are vitamins and minerals in Eggo waffles, although I think they’re negated when I dump a 1/4 of a cup of syrup on them. But without syrup they’re like round Simpson yellow Flintstones vitamins.
Even though Kellogg’s are masters at providing consumers with essential vitamins and minerals in frozen waffle form, they’re not standing still and they’re taking it another step forward with their new Eggo FiberPlus Waffles.
It comes in two varieties: Eggo FiberPlus Calcium Buttermilk Waffles and Eggo FiberPlus Antioxidants Chocolate Chip Waffles. Eating two of these waffles provides 35 percent of your daily recommended intake of fiber. If you fear osteoporosis, two Eggo FiberPlus Calcium Buttermilk Waffles give you 35 percent of your daily calcium. If you want to boost your immune system, two of the chocolate chips ones will give you 20 percent zinc.
In a move that strikes me as amazingly random, DiGiorno is now offering Toll House chocolate chip cookie dough with its frozen pizzas. Unimaginatively called DiGiorno Pizza & Cookies, you can get your chocolate chip cookies with three different types of pizza: Four Cheese, Pepperoni and Supreme. All pizzas have a hand tossed style crust.
The box says the dough makes 12 cookies, but you could probably make one really big cookie with a raw center, or just eat the dough while you wait for your frozen pizza to cook. The recommended amount of cookies raises questions regarding how many people it takes to eat a DiGiorno pizza. If you ask me, that’s a lot of cookies per person.
If you’re not a big fan of dessert, DiGiorno also now offers Pizza & Boneless Wyngz. Wyngz looks like something my cat would type while walking across my keyboard, but the box describes them as white meat chicken fritters. Perhaps they made the spelling XTREME in order to avoid anyone thinking they were actually chicken wings. You can get a Supreme or Three Meat with Honey BBQ Wyngz, or a Pepperoni with Buffalo Style Wyngz. No matter which flavor Wyngz you choose, you’ll be getting approximately 7-8 of them per box.
No word on price for either combo. No word on cooking instructions either, but I’m assuming both the cookies and the Wyngz are designed to cook to hot perfection at the exact same time as the pizza. These launched nationwide last week, so look for them in your grocer’s freezer aisle.
Pizza and cookies, a combination the people have been screaming for for years. Finally, all our dreams have come true!
Lean Pockets, the skinnier sister of Hot Pockets and favored lunch of calorie-conscious office workers who hate utensils, has come out with a new vessel in which to stuff their meats and cheeses â€“ Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches. They’re currently available in two flavors, Grilled Chicken JalapeÃ±o Cheddar and Roasted Turkey with Bacon & Reduced Fat Cheese, both of which are stuffed into a soft pretzel pouch that will supposedly be golden brown.
As you sit down at the dirty break room table, bite into the soft pretzel vessel, and scream as molten lava cheese coats your mouth like napalm, take solace in knowing that each Pretzel Bread Sandwich contains only 280 calories. Then hit the water cooler, because your Pretzel Sandwich also has up to 39 percent of your daily recommended intake of sodium.
Lean Pockets has a product locator (http://www.leanpockets.com/wheretobuy/index.aspx?category=600&upc=4369500239) on their website, but I got a scary 401 Unauthorized error when I tried it, so I guess your best bet is to cruise the frozen food aisle if you’d like to try out their new Pretzel Bread Sandwiches.
Jelly Belly, maker of the slightly disgusting buttered popcorn jelly bean and many other less disgusting flavors, will be launching a Peas & Carrots Mix candy in February.
Despite how off-putting vegetable candy may sound, it will not be vegetable flavored, instead the carrots will taste like orange sherbet and the peas will taste like apples. Not only that, the candy won’t be jelly beans, instead they’ll be mellocremes.
Jelly Belly’s Peas & Carrots Mix will be dairy-free, gluten-free and certified OU Kosher. They will come in a variety of sizes and, if you can’t find them in stores, you’ll be able to purchase them on the Jelly Belly website.
I wonder if it’s going to be agonizing for those who are trying to lose weight by eating Special K Cereal Bars to eat the latest flavors — Raspberry Cheesecake and Chocolatey Chip Cookie. I imagine not having the real thing and instead having to settle for a bar made with Special K cereal and either chocolatey chips or red raspberries with cheesecake flavor must somehow affect the psyche.
Right now, I’m eating a real chocolate chip cookie. Might I add, a warm chocolate chip cookie and the chunky, gooey chocolate chips are melting in my mouth, turning my oral cavity into a chocolate wonderland. Oops. Some of the melted chocolate ended up my fingers. I could use a napkin to clean off the chocolate, or I could just lick off the rich, melted chocolate. I hate to waste melted chocolate, so I’m just going to have to do what cats do when they need to clean themselves. My goodness, I don’t know how anyone could resist a warm chocolate chip cookie. It tastes like an angel.
I think I’m going to have another.
The Chocolatey Chip Cookie Bar has 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar and less than 1 gram of protein. The Raspberry Cheesecake Bar contains 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and less than 1 gram of protein.
The latest Special K Cereal Bar flavors come in a box of six.