REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Once upon a time there was a chocolate chip cookie named Chips Ahoy, who wondered if there was someone special out there for him. He had dated a few other chocolate chip cookies, like Mrs. Fields, but he felt they were too similar to him. Chips Ahoy wanted someone different, maybe someone with M&M’s or white chocolate chips, instead of the regular chocolate chips he had.

While standing out on the edge of the shelf one evening, he noticed someone on the shelf below him. Chips Ahoy knew that it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie and decided to take a closer look. He climbed down to the shelf below and hid behind a box of graham crackers.

Chips Ahoy slowly peeked out from behind the box to take a look at the stranger.

“Oh my goodness,” Chips Ahoy thought to himself. “She’s beautiful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her big round dark colored cookies and her lovely white creamy center.

Attracted to her beauty, Chips Ahoy came out from behind the graham crackers and walked towards the beautiful stranger.

“Excuse me,” he said to get her attention.

The beautiful stranger turned around and was surprised by the sight of Chips Ahoy. She had never seen a cookie that big before.

“Who are you?” she said as she stared at his crunchy body.

“I’m Chips Ahoy and I think you’re the most delicious cookie I’ve ever seen,” he exclaimed. “What’s your name?”

“M-m-my name is Oreo,” she said excitingly.

Oreo had never heard any other cookie say such a thing to her. His flattery made her heart flutter and she began to fall in love with Chips Ahoy.

He came closer to Oreo and whispered to her, “I have fallen for you and it appears you have fallen for me.”

“But…” she said, as she turned away from him. “As much as we adore each other, we can’t be together.”

Oreo knew that they could never be together, because it was taboo in the cookie world to mix. They would be looked down upon by not only the other Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but also the Fig Newtons, Nutter Butters, Teddy Grahams, and all the others.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Chips Ahoy said as he turned Oreo back towards him.

He looked intensely at her and said, “All that matters is what you and I think.”

Taken by his strong statement, Oreo led Chips Ahoy to a secluded area on the shelf, behind the Pepperidge Farms Goldfish.

Once they were safely hidden, Chips Ahoy grabbed Oreo and began passionately licking her white creamy center. Oreo had never felt anything so good before.

After a few minutes, Oreo wanted to return the favor, so she began nibbling on Chips Ahoy’s chocolate chips. Then things got really hot and heavy between the two of them and crumbs began flying everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: I could be explicit here, but I REALLY don’t want an NC-17 rating for this post. Besides it’s more fun if you use your imagination.)

After that night of passion, Oreo soon learned that she was pregnant.

For nine months, Chips Ahoy and Oreo were afraid of what their child would look like. But when it was born, it turned out to be a beautiful combination of each cookie. It had the creamy white center of Oreo, sandwiched between two smaller Chips Ahoy.

They quickly decided to name their child Chips Ahoy Cremewich.

Then just like a scene from Nature on PBS, they began eating their child.

They were surprised how good Chips Ahoy Cremewich tasted. It was damn good. So good that they wished they hooked up sooner. After they were done eating, they had more hot cookie sex and made more Chips Ahoy Cremewiches.

And that’s how the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches were created.

Item: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Brings together the best of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Damn good. Sometimes all you need is love.
Cons: Formed from intercookie breeding (It seemed so wrong, but yet seemed so right).

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5


Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?

REVIEW: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology


Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.

All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls I’ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.

Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was it’s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

So I needed a new phone, but I didn’t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.

To find that phone I went to everyone’s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.

Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).

So what’s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words “smart science people” use, but I’d be boring you with big words like “spectrum,” “frequency,” and “wavelength.”

Instead, I’m just going to say that the “smart science people” state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.

One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY don’t want to listen to someone talk.

Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how they’re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.

While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “Okay.” “That’s funny.” “Say what?” “No way.” “That bitch.” “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isn’t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like I’m in a hallway.

Plus, there’s no speed dial. Instead there’s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.

There’s a big difference, you know.

Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like I’m in a hallway. No speed dial.

Vintage Fruit Refreshers

VFR Lemonade

(Editor’s Note: Today at the Impulsive Buy we’re posting another Guest Review, because today we’re REALLY lazy to do our own and we we’re traumatized by a scene in the new movie “Sideways” where a naked old man runs down the street with his unit flopping all over the place. Shudder. Anyway, today’s guest review is by Mai, who is the author of the blog Create Something Beautiful::Make Art. Enjoy.)

I usually don’t like those flavored water beverages, but when it comes to lemonade and its ilk, I can’t resist.

There’s something about the tartness and the sweetness blended to perfection. Now I understand when guys say they want a ‘sweet girl,’ but still chase the chick in the mini-skirt.

Anyway, my mom’s been buying these Vintage Fruit Refreshers for months, and even though they have lots of flavors (Peach Citrus, Strawberry Kiwi, Cherry Lime, etc.), the lemonade is the one I usually swipe from the bag before she puts them into the trunk of the car.

They’re really good, considering they’re calorie free, caffeine free, sugar free, zero carbs water drinks.

It maybe water, but they come in colors. The last time I checked, drinking water does not come in colors, except possibly brown in third world countries.

But the color comes in handy, because with regular clear water, glasses can get mixed up and you might be drinking the water from someone’s glass you REALLY don’t want drink from. Cooties can be spread that way, ya know. With the Vintage Fruit Refreshers, you don’t have that problem.

They also make the ideal drink to have around the house when your kids want something besides water. Well, it’s water, but… Forget it.

You may not think it won’t taste good because it’s water, but when you actually taste it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I let my friend taste the Peach Citrus flavor just the other day, and she’s now hooked.

Her exact words were, “I could get down on that Peach one.” Whatever that means.

The lemonade totally kicks its butt.

As far as getting them, I usually end up shopping with my mother, just so I can get one. I haven’t actually seen which aisle they’re in; they seem to magically appear in the shopping cart.

But once they’re in the cart, I’m glad they’re there. Yum.

Item: Vintage Fruit Refreshers
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.19
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No calories or carbs (if you care). Two sizes (20 oz, 1 liter). Lots of flavors to choose from, but the lemonade flavor is addicting. It has colors, so you know the difference without sipping from 3 different cups.
Cons: Can’t find the right aisle, so I have to shop with my mom to get them. Has an aftertaste.

Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake

Nesquik Milkshake

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like, “It’s better than yours.”
Damn right it’s better than yours,
I can teach you…

Okay, I think this review is off to a bad start. Let’s try again…

Milkshakes make my mouth modulate mindlessly monthly.

Okay, the alliteration idea is lame. Let me try again…


Okay, this isn’t working out very well. Oh screw it!

Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake. It’s not a chocolate milkshake, it’s chocolate milk that supposed to taste like a chocolate milkshake. It’s not bad, but doesn’t really taste like a chocolate milkshake. A milkshake is waaaay better. I can make a better milkshake. Damn right it’s better than theirs. Contains calcium and vitamins A & D. Don’t forget to shake well. I can finally recycle that damn Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle.

Now that the review is out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing.

Hmm…What shall I give away this month?

I could give away Gmail accounts, but who DOESN’T have a Gmail account by now. Google passes out invitations like they were Ecstasy at a rave.

Wait, I got it.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving away three (3) boxes of Jello Oreo Instant Pudding, which we reviewed last month. There will be three winners, who will each receive one (1) box.

If you haven’t read the review, I basically say Jello Oreo Instant Pudding is perfect for licking off of most body parts.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we don’t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Jello Oreo” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on December 15, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on December 19, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States and Canada.

Entries will be stuffed into…Um…Let’s see what containers we have.

Oh! They will be stuffed into the Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle I just picked out from the recycle bin. Winning entries will be drawn from this bottle and will probably smell like…

(Opens bottle and takes a sniff)

Oooh, that’s nasty. It will probably smell like spoiled Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake.

For those of you who’ve never won anything before, here’s your chance to finally to win. There’s no need for performance enhancing drugs.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about some drug that you don’t know how to pronounce the name of. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for free issues of Business Week and Sports Illustrated. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Item: Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake
Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Kind of good. Calcium. Vitamins A & D. I can finally get rid of the empty Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle that’s been sitting on my desk for weeks (Okay, not until the drawing is over).
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like a chocolate milkshake.

REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix


So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix?

Let see…One…Two…Oh, yeah baby you like that?

(Bow chica. Bow chica.)

You like how I lick it?

You want more, Ms. Angelina Jolie?

Say my name.

Who’s your daddy?

(Tap on shoulder)

What! Don’t bother me while I pretend to make out with Angelina Jolie!

The Spy Stix is phallic?



When I first saw the commercial for the Tootsie Pop Spy Styx, I thought they were pretty cool. It’s just like Tootsie Pops, except in a stick form and in a neato plastic case. Just slide the candy out with a lever, take a few licks, then slide it in, close the container, and store it for later.

I picked one up from the convenience store down the street and paid $1.35 for it, which is about the same price of THREE regular Tootsie Pops and way more expensive than most of the other candy on the shelf. I figured that if I’m paying that much, I should expect some big things from it.

However, when I opened it up and slid the candy out from the case, I was so disappointed. It was like expecting an iPod for Christmas, but getting a used Spanish dubbed VHS copy of Spice World that also needed to be rewound (It’s the new lump of black coal).

One of the biggest problems with the Spy Stix was the fact I couldn’t eat all of the candy, which there wasn’t much to begin with. The lever doesn’t allow all of the candy to be extended out. So there’s this small bit of candy that you can’t reach and there’s no way I’m sticking my tongue down the case’s opening to try and lick it. Getting my tongue stuck in something is not going to happen again.

Another problem was the neato candy retracting case, which turned out to be not so neato. After taking a few licks of the Spy Styx, I retracted the candy into the case, but it got stuck when I wanted to extend it again for a few more licks. However, after messing with the lever for a few moments, I could extend it again.

Finally, this last problem you already read. It makes a bad replacement for an imaginary girlfriend. Although, it would make a great replacement for an imaginary boyfriend.

Well I guess I’m going to have to stick with making out with my pillow for now.

The Tootsie Pop Spy Stix is such a horrible product that I’m going to give it the Impulsive Buy’s first-ever ZERO RATING.

Take that for messing up my pretend make out session with Angelina Jolie!

Item: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix
Purchase Price: $1.35
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Retractable candy in convenient flip top case.
Cons: Waaay overpriced. Sometimes candy is hard to retract. Packaging makes it hard to eat all of it. Bad replacement for imaginary girlfriend. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix. I guess the world may never know.