REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits

There was a time in my life that I wanted to be an astronaut.

There was also another time in my life that I wanted to participate in the Vagina Monologues and express my love for vagina, but that’s for another review.

I didn’t want to become an astronaut for the thrill, glory, or large amounts of Tang, I wanted to become an astronaut because I thought being an astronaut would mean an endless supply of delicious freeze-dried ice cream.

If you’ve never had freeze-dried ice cream, it’s like eating chalk, except in Neapolitan flavors and you aren’t forced to ride in a short yellow bus to school, like you would if you ate chalk.

At night, I would go outside, lay on our driveway, stare at the thousands of stars in the sky, and imagine that I was in outer space and a part of the Mile High Club, which meant something totally different when I was ten years old.

To prepare myself to be an astronaut, I hung upside-down from the monkeybars to experience weightlessness, I jumped up and down on an exercise trampoline to simulate what jumping on the moon would be like, and had my body buried in sand at the beach to experience what g-forces felt like.

I also practiced my cool astronaut tag line if I landed on the moon, “Houston, I’m stepping on the cheese and I’ll cut it later,” which I thought at the time was waaay better than, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

However, my dream to become an astronaut ended when I learned that I could purchase packs of freeze-dried ice cream from a local museum for two dollars each and that my cool astronaut tag line was lame because the moon was less like cheese and more like the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped.

Since then, my taste for freeze-dried ice cream has been replaced by the freeze-dried marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula.

Recently, my freeze-dried food choices became slightly more expanded thanks to the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, which are made from 100% real fruit, contain no preservatives, made for children 12 months or older, and make my hands look huge.

Each bag contains four servings of fruit. However, I don’t know if baby servings and adult servings are different. Even if they are, I got both bases covered, because like most babies, I enjoy sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, and like most adults, I’m potty trained and can watch Rated-R movies.

Just like M&Ms, the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits melt in your mouth and not in your hands. They have an apple taste, which they should since they’re made from real apples, but the apple flavor isn’t as strong as eating an actual ripe apple.

Or drinking apple juice.

Or eating applesauce.

Or sucking on an apple Jolly Rancher.

Or sucking on a bottle of apple schnapps.

Another thing about the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, at 25 calories per serving, they could possibly help you lose weight and help make you as thin as Kate Moss, except without the cocaine use.

Item: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Low calorie. Made from 100% real fruit. No preservatives. Comes in resealable bag. Freeze-dried ice cream. Melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Cons: Light apple flavor. Small servings for adults. Never was able to use my astronaut tag line. Never joined the Mile High Club.

Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar

It’s not often that I get bitchslapped by an energy bar, because it usually costs quite a bit extra to have that done. But this time it was free thanks to this Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar.

Although, I have to admit, this time it was the energy bar that did the bitchslapping and not some woman dressed in leather, chains, and spikes, with a strong German accent.

The Mad Dog Energy Bar comes to us from our friends in Canada.

Yes, that Canada, which has given the planet some wonderful things, like Wayne Gretzky, the band Barenaked Ladies, the sexy Shania Twain, and one-fourth of all stand-up comedians in America.

Of course, Canada also spawned the weapon of mass destruction that is known as, Celine Dion, whose voice, if used for evil, has the power to destroy the Earth, or if used for good, could destroy a gigantic asteroid heading towards the Earth.

Over the years, I’ve tried a lot of energy bars, but none of them really gave me the energy to do anything. The Snickers Marathon Bar never made me want to run a marathon, a PowerBar never gave me power to take over the world, Balance Bars never gave me the balance to dominate third graders at the game King of the Hill, the Luna Bar never made me want to moonwalk, and Clif Bars never made me want to climb a cliff to get away from people I own money to.

However, this Mad Dog Energy Bar was the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. It was able to do this, not with pitchers of water and thin white cotton t-shirts, but instead with the power of the Double G’s.

Not those Double G’s.

I’m talking about guarana and ginseng.

Found in almost all energy drink I’m addicted to, the Double G’s can provide long-lasting mental alertness, stimulate the nervous system, increase stamina, boost energy levels, stimulate the immune system, and reduce the effects of stress.

Surprisingly, after intensive research involving pictures of Dolly Parton, I’ve learned that the OTHER Double G’s also have these same effects on me, plus they make for great pillows.

Another ingredient that you won’t find in energy drinks, but will definitely find at a natural foods store in the form of clothing or rope, is hemp.

Yes, that hemp.

No, it’s not illegal to eat in the United States.

No, you can’t get high off of hemp.

Yes, I tried to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar.

Yes, trying to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar created a chocolatey mess.

Along with the hemp seed, guarana, and ginseng, the Mad Dog Energy Bar also consists of rice crisps, peanuts, and chocolate. All of that created a taste that maybe familiar if you’ve ever had a very strong expresso or used your mouth as a coffee grinder.

Being someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it took awhile to get used to the strong expresso-like flavor of the Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar, but overall it’s got a decent taste, and that taste is effective in bitchslapping me and getting me through the day.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jocelyn, co-founder of the parent company that created Mad Dog, for sending me a box of Mad Dog to review.)

Item: Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent taste. Perks me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. The Double G’s. The OTHER Double G’s. The Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Strong expresso-like flavor maybe too strong for most. Lighting a Mad Dog Energy Bar to try and get high. Celine Dion’s ability to destroy the Earth. Paying to be bitchslapped.

A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda

Recently, I’ve been sucking down many of these A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Sodas.

I’ve been doing so much sucking that I feel like I’m either a baby sucking on a tit, a crack addict sucking on a crack pipe, or Paris Hilton making another sex tape.

I just have this “thing” for vanilla cream sodas, much like I have a thing for Rachael Ray, old school hip-hop, saying the word “incestuous,” and words that don’t start with “qu,” like Qatar, qanat, and qintar.

The A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda was very good, but it tasted just like their regular cream soda. Now I thought the “sparkling” would add something sparkling, much like how bubbles help champaign sparkle and glitter helps Sparkling Barbie look more like a stripper, but it didn’t.

The only thing different about this soda than the previous A&W Cream soda is the “Vintage Bottle,” which if you take off the label or stick in a small brown paper bag, looks like a beer bottle.

This means that with the amber-colored A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda and the “Vintage Bottle,” I can be a total poser at a party and pretend I’m cool with a “beer” in hand.

It’s much like when I was growing up and pretended apple juice was beer, bubble gum cigarettes were actual cigarettes, and my switchblade comb was an actual switchblade knife, which I used to try and recreate the fight/dance off scene from the Michael Jackson video for Beat It.

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Maybe it’s better that I be a poser with my fake beer, because if I drank as many bottles of beer as I have with the delicious A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda, I might end up passed out on my bathroom floor, lying in my own vomit, with a Sharpie mustache drawn on my face, and two arrows pointing to my mouth also drawn on my face with the words, “Stick it in the hole for a prize,” written on my chin.

Plus, someone would probably take pictures of me in this position and post it all over the internet with the word “0wn3d!” on it.

Item: A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. Refreshing. Kind of addictive. If I take off the label or stick the bottle in a brown paper bag, it looks like I’m drinking beer, which in turn, makes me looking cool. My switchblade comb. Michael Jackson before the sleepovers and plastic surgery.
Cons: Not different in taste than the previous A&W Cream soda. Possible passed out drunk pictures posted on the internet.

October Prize Drawing!!!

Thanks to my recent review of the Trojan Elexa line of products, I’m stuck with a whole bunch of condoms that I’ll probably never use, unless I sell my body on the streets. Unfortunately, my body won’t make much money on the streets, so it would be a waste to use these condoms that way.

To get rid of all these condoms, I’ve decided to become a Condom Fairy again and give away to ONE lucky winner a Trojan Elexa prize pack, which is basically whatever products were left after testing. Although I also took a few condoms for my “Just in case I get some. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I’m not getting any” stash.

In total, there are 8 Natural Feel condoms, 8 Stimulating condoms, 8 Ultra Sensitive condoms, one tube of Intimacy Gel, and 5 Freshening Cloths. Also, since I “used” the Vibrating Ring, I’ll purchase a new one and add it to the prize pack.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Set it to vibrate” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, October 11, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, October 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and US Military APOs (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

To determine the winners, I will draw a circle on a piece of cardboard and place all the entries in the circle. Then I will put the Vibrating Ring in the middle of the circle, turn it on, and let the Vibrating Ring choose the winner.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about Bill Gates wanting to give you money. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you catalogs for adult videos. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, any Lindsay Lohan car accident, or any spawn Tom Cruise produces.

Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit

Fiber is one of those things that most people don’t get enough of, including myself. It helps prevent things like diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease. When I was told by my doctor that I needed more fiber in my diet, I decided to get that fiber the American Way.

Not in the form of vegetables or fruits, but in the form of either a pill, injection, or powder. I decided on powder, because I’m not very good at swallow pills and I fear that I won’t be able to do a fiber injection, unless Jose Canseco injected it into my ass for me.

So for the past couple of years I’ve been drinking Metamucil, which is a powder you mix with water.

At the time, I was so happy I was getting fiber, that I wrote a short poem:

Fiber helps when you’re stumped.
It can help you from getting plump.
It aids when you want to take a dump.

Metamucil comes only in an orange flavor, but when I say “orange flavor” I mean that very loosely. It tastes like the watered down orange Kool-Aid I made on my own when I was eight years old and didn’t understand basic fluid measurements, how to write a cursive “Z,” or knew what masturbation was.

Over the years, I’ve progressively gotten tired of that “orange taste.” So I was really excited when I noticed the new Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

Again, I was so happy that I decided to write another short poem:

Fiber is really good for you.
It aids with lowering cholesterol too.
But it really helps when you go number two.

The Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit came with five individual packets of the powder mix and a shaker cup. Just like all hot chocolate powder mixes, I had the option of using either milk or water. However, for some strange reason, I felt very compelled to use milk while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Anyway, the taste of the Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake was good and kind of reminded me of Ovaltine. It’s definitely better than the orangy Metamucil taste.

Despite the great taste, I did have a few problems with it. The powder clumped up a little after shaking it with milk in the shaker cup. Also, if you let the mixture sit, the liquid will become sludge-like. However, that also happens with Metamucil. So you have to drink it pretty quickly.

I’m really happy I can now get my fiber in a chocolatey form. I’m so happy that I feel compelled to write another short poem:

Fiber is great.
It helps you lose weight.
It aids when you defecate.

Item: Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit
Purchase Price: $3.97
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes sort of like Ovaltine. No sugar added. Good way to get your fiber. Comes with shaker cup.
Cons: Powder tends to clump up when milk is added. If not enough liquid is used, it may cause choking. Letting it sit will cause it to be sludge-like.