REVIEW: Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad

The Jack in the Box Grilled…Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

W-w-what…

Oh, I’m sorry I fell asleep and started sleep drooling mid-sentence. But I couldn’t help it because the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad is one boring salad.

It’s so snooze-inducing that if you have an infant who has trouble falling asleep, I recommend you click the photo above to go The Impulsive Buy’s Flickr page, download the high quality version of the photo, print it out several copies of it on your inkjet printer (or nearest photo center), then attach those photos to the mobile hanging above your child’s crib and then watch your child instantly enter a deep slumber, allowing you to find out what that Chatroulette is all about.

The salad contains a list of vegetables that bores me, but would give the Easter Bunny a hard-on. It has a blend of romaine, iceberg and spring mix lettuce, along with shredded cheddar cheese, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion and shredded carrots. Seasoned croutons and low-fat balsamic dressing are served on the side, and the salad is topped with strips of grilled chicken. As you can see in the boring salad photo above, it’s a rainbow coalition of ingredients, if the rainbow contains mostly orange and green.

As with most fast food salads, the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad contained mostly the nutritious-empty and flavorless iceberg lettuce. But thankfully, all of the vegetables looked fresh — no wilting or bruises. The only vegetable I disliked more than the iceberg lettuce was the red onion because of its strong flavor that dominated the rest of the salad like it was paid $500 an hour to make the salad its bitch via gagging and restraining it in chains.

The grilled chicken seemed like it was just there for protein and sodium because it didn’t provide much of anything else. As for the low-fat balsamic vinaigrette dressing, it gave the salad enough flavor so that it can legally be called a salad, and not just something to cushion my head if it were to fall into the salad because it’s so sleep-inducing.

Despite being a boring salad, I’d probably hit the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad again. Its nutritional values don’t make me feel guilty, unlike most of Jack in the Box’s menu and paying some woman $500 an hour to gag me, chain me to a wall and call me a filthy pig who should be punished.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 salad with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette – 275 calories, 9.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 965 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 28 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad
Price: $5.99
Size: 1 salad
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Filling salad. One of the healthier items to eat from the JITB menu. Low calorie compared with other JITB salads. Great if you like the colors green and orange. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman’s submissive slave.
Cons: Boring salad. High in sodium. Too much iceberg lettuce. Dominating flavor of the red onions. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman’s submissive slave. Chatroulette. Pictures of it may help babies fall asleep faster.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Chocolatey Peanut Butter Fiber Plus Antioxidants Chewy Bars

Fiber PLUS antioxidants!?! It’s like Kellogg’s is trying to kill us with wholesomeness with their Chocolatey Peanut Butter Fiber Plus Antioxidants Chewy Bars. Being bear hugged by vitamin E, zinc and 35 percent of my daily recommended intake of fiber seems kind of scary, especially the fiber, because the combination of being squeezed hard and a lot of dietary fiber cannot be good for my pants.

But I guess it’s better than Kellogg’s killing us with Tony the Tiger’s sharp claws or the reality shows on MTV and VH1 killing my hope for humanity.

The Chocolatey Peanut Butter Fiber Plus Antioxidants Chewy Bars takes oats, rice crisps, peanuts, and peanut butter chips and smashes them together into a neat rectangular bar that measures 3.5 inches long and 1.25 inches wide. The back of the bar is dipped in faux chocolate and the front is drizzled in faux chocolate, creating a snack that’s like a sticky Chinese finger trap.

While these contain normal ingredients that one would find in many snack bars, I was surprised to see chicory root extract as the ingredient that’s listed first. I personally thought the number one ingredient was going to be love. Now many of you might be wondering, “What is chicory root?” I could be a total asshole and say in a condescending tone, “Duh! It’s the root of a chicory plant.”

Or I can admit, I have no idea. Thankfully, I can look it up on every student’s favorite resource that most teachers and professors don’t approve of because of the chance that the information provided is inaccurate — Wikipedia. According to the omniscient website, chicory root extract is used as a high-fiber dietary supplement, which explains the nine grams of dietary fiber per bar.

As you can see in the picture above, the Chocolatey Peanut Butter Fiber Plus Antioxidants Chewy Bar doesn’t look like a food that will provide you with fiber and antioxidants. Instead it looks like something that might give you diabetes and/or a fat ass. The bar has a chewy and slightly crunchy texture that’s common with many snack bars nowadays. The peanut butter chips and peanuts do a good job of compensating the faux chocolate, which is faux because it lacks cocoa fats. These ingredients make for a tasty snack bar, proving that even fake chocolate and peanut butter can make a decent combination.

I’d probably eat these Fiber Plus Antioxidant Bars if I want to quickly make up for the lack of fiber, vitamin E and zinc in my diet because I’m too lazy to pour myself a bowl of any fortified kid’s cereal or get those nutrients via fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 130 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 0.5 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 20% vitamin E, 2% iron and 20% zinc.)

(NOTE: Food In Real Life also reviewed it.)

Item: Kellogg’s Chocolatey Peanut Butter Fiber Plus Antioxidants Chewy Bars
Price: $3.19
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Faux chocolate and peanut butter makes a decent combination. Chewy and crunchy. 7 grams of whole grains per serving. 35 percent of your daily fiber. Contains vitamin E and zinc. Learning about chicory root. Wikipedia. Chinese finger traps.
Cons: Contains faux chocolate. Contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat. Getting nutrients from a snack bar. 5 bars per box (whatever happened to even numbers). MTV and VH1 reality shows. Being bear hugged after eating a lot of fiber. Chinese finger traps.

REVIEW: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez

The ice cream novelty market is always looking for new items to entice children. These products can make any school-aged kid annoy the shit out of their parents when they beg for them, and they cause junk food review bloggers to cream in their pants. But there needs to be something that stands out amongst the space-aged pellets, superhero heads with gumballs for eyes and ice pops shaped like phalluses writing instruments.

Besides ice cream, what food item do kids (and weird looking birds) go cuckoo for and that’s only for them and not white, anorexic rabbits? You got it — breakfast cereal.

The Philly Swirl Cereal Conez is the bastard offspring from the sticky lovemaking between a complete sugary breakfast and a pre-packaged ice cream and cone combo. If I wore a hat, I would tip it to Philly Swirl. Why you ask? Because there is no cereal in Cereal Conez. Instead, they got rid of the middleman, struck a deal with that pot o’ gold loving ginger and topped the cones conez with the marshmallows that are found in a certain cereal that claims it’s lucky. The next thing I want to do, is ask Philly Swirl how can I get a bag of these packing-peanut textured marshmallows without having to sift through pieces of cereal, because everyone buys Lucky Charms for the marshmallows.

Although I do love dehydrated, colorful, and ill-shaped pieces of sugar, I really wish that the Cereal Conez had cereal on them, because it would provide a crunchy texture to compliment the creamy ice cream and compensate for the somewhat soggy cone.

If cereal was added, think of the marketing possibilities. Bran Conez could be for those who need some fiber in their desserts and Frosted Shredded Wheat Conez could be for those who get off on eating adorable little mascots. I don’t think they would call them conez though, because we all know that when you slap a Z on something it’s targeted towards kids, or it’s a product from a certain gas station/fast food eatery.

There’s two flavors in the box: Chocolate Marshmallow Swirl (more like chocolate vanilla swirl) and Vanilla, but there’s no way of picking which flavor you want, because the cones are all wrapped the same way in white paper with no text. When you disrobe the cone and become excited or depressed, which depends on whether or not you received the flavor you wanted, you are greeted with a mound of “magical marshmallows” that dominates the top of the cone. It’s certainly eye opening, but it’s lousy because the first four bites or so is all marshmallow and no ice cream.

After that, it’s just a standard ice cream cone novelty, but one that’s tasty because the inside of the cone is covered in chocolate. However, by the time you reach that point, the thrill of devouring the leprechaun’s beloved “magical marshmallows” is all but a distant memory.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez
Price: $2.59
Size: 4 cones
Purchased at: The Big Blue Supercenter
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of “magical marshmallows.” Ice cream is rich and smooth. Size of each treat is bigger than I expected. Chocolate inside of each cone. Those novelties with gumball eyes. Telling the Trix rabbit he can’t have the cereal he so desperately wants.
Cons: No way to tell which flavor is which. Marshmallows aren’t “magical” enough. Cone is a little soggy. Only four in a box. Doesn’t actually contain cereal. Adding Z’s are so 90’s.

REVIEW: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips

Thyme is an herb that adds flavor to the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips and is loved by people who know how to cook and use cookbooks, which I personally know nothing about, since most of the food I consume comes from either drive-thru windows, is heated up in a microwave or is purchased from under a heating lamp at a convenience store.

Also, the combination of thyme and the Food Network makes for a decent drinking game. Go and get yourself a bottle of tequila, plop yourself in front of the television at nine in the morning and every time a Food Network personality says “thyme” you take a shot of tequila.

For some of you, drinking in the morning may seem weird, so to overcome that uncomfortableness just imagine you’re in an episode of Mad Men. By noon, you’ll be drunk enough that you’ll want to fight your television every time Bobby Flay or Guy Fieri appears on it. By two in the afternoon, you’ll think Paula Deen is frickin’ sexy and rub sticks of butter around your nipples. And by four in the afternoon, you’ll thankfully be passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals.

When I first tried the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I thought they tasted earthy, like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. While I thought they were a bit odd tasting at first, I slowly began to enjoy their herby, sweet onion flavor as I ate more of them and at times I swear the chip’s flavor reminded me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. But with that initial flavor, I can easily understand why someone might not enjoy these chips.

While not everyone will like the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I have to give credit to Lay’s for having the brass potatoes to develop a snack that probably won’t have mass appeal. I’d expect a company like Kettle Foods to come up with a flavor like this, but not a big snack conglomerate like Lay’s. Although, if the Food Network/thyme drinking game turned into the Food Network/thyme bong hit game, the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips may just sell out.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 10% vitamin C and 4% iron.)

Item: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Unusual, but enjoyable herby, sweet onion flavor. At times the chips remind me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Being passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals. Rubbing sticks of butter around your nipples.
Cons: Not everyone will like it. Initial taste was like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. My diet. 4 grams of trans fat in a serving of Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Being drunk enough that you want to fight your television.

REVIEW: Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles Potato Chips

Lay’s has recently introduced a new line of chips, marketing them as “regional flavors.” There are five different regional flavors, and one flavor that’s being introduced nationwide, which is Tangy Carolina BBQ. What’s up with that, Lay’s? Really, you’re going to pick Carolina to be your national representative? And you don’t even specify which Carolina? I would go with South, but only because Stephen Colbert is from South Carolina, and Stephen Colbert can pretty much get anybody to do anything he wants. He has his own treadmill on the International Space Station, for Christ’s sake.

Carolina conundrums aside, here are the five regional flavors:

Northeastern US: Pepper Relish – “Available in New York, Northeast and Mid-Atlantic States”

Midwestern US: Garden Tomato & Basil – “Available in the Heartland, the Mid American and Midwest States”

Northwestern US: Balsamic Sweet Onion – “Available in Alaska, the Pacific Northwest and Northern California”

Southwestern US: Southwest Cheese & Chiles – “Available in Texas, Southern California and the Mountain States”

Southeastern US: Cajun Herb & Spice – “Available in the Carolinas, the Southeast and Central Gulf States, and Florida”

Oh, so the Carolinas get two chip flavors, now? I smell a Carolinan plant in the Lay’s flavor lab. No, wait, I see it now – Stephen Colbert heard about Lay’s regional flavors and placed a quick phone call. Boom! Two Carolina flavors. Somebody needs to keep that man in check.

I have to say, though, all six flavors sound downright delicious. Potentially. I think we’re all aware of how easily chip flavors can go horribly wrong. I’m just thankful they kept the flavors pretty reasonable, instead of flying off the handle with flavors like hamburger, or hot dog. Or pizza. Or, God help us, Garbage Plate.

Unfortunately, I’ll never get to experience most of these flavors. While I find this marketing strategy cute, it does have the negative side effect of limiting Frito-Lay’s markets, and vaguely pissing me off in the process. Also, you could twist the “regional favorites” idea into “stereotypes about what certain people around the country like to eat.” Gulf States, you’re nothing but a Cajun-style blackened catfish to Lay’s.

And I, hailing from the unfortunate state of Arizona, arguably a Mountain State, am nothing but cheese and chiles. I think that loosely translates into “Mexican.” Where’s the Arizona shout out? Texas and SoCal, but not Arizona? I’m offended. C’mon, Lay’s; face it, when you think “southwest”, you think deserts, cacti, and Kokopelli. If that’s not Arizona, or at least, other people’s perception of it, then what is?

But hey, I’ll be honest – Arizona has a large Mexican population, and therefore, a lot of Mexican restaurants, which means lots of cheese, and lots of chiles. I am perfectly okay with this, since Mexican is my favorite kind of food, and you don’t have to look far to find an authentic Mexican food experience, aka the taquería. I can sit smugly in my small, dingy, non-air-conditioned local Mexican joint, confident that most of the rest of the country are chowing down on Chalupas, imagining that they are eating Mexican food. You are not. You fail.

The back of the bag features a recipe for…Southwest Cheese & Chiles Dip. That’s so meta. I’m not sure if this implies that you should dip your Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles into your Southwest Cheese and Chiles Dip, but I have to say, that recipe actually sounds delicious. I might actually make it someday soon. Wait, the bag only contains the ingredients, not the recipe itself. I’m assuming the recipe is “mix everything together,” but now my confidence is shaken, because it says I have to go to Lays.com to see how to do it. So I did that. And I couldn’t find the recipe anywhere. I couldn’t even find a recipe section. I did a website search for it, and again came up empty-handed. “Did you mean sw cheese & chives dip?” NO. NO I DID NOT. If any of you readers out there can actually find the recipe, feel free to post the URL in the comments section. For now, I’m stumped.

So I guess I’ll never get to know if I’m a tool for taking cooking advice from the back of a bag of chips. I suppose that’s for the best. But hey, we’re not here for the dip, we’re here for the chips! Will they embody everything the southwest region stands for, which, apparently, is cheese and chiles?

I have to say, I actually made that semi-surprised “Mmmm!” sound out loud when I popped the first chip in my mouth. Which is even weirder than it sounds when you realize that I’m alone in my apartment with my two cats. Actually, I guess that’s better than someone hearing it, because really, who does that? Me, I guess.

What I’m trying to say here is that, while it’s kind of hard to go wrong with spicy cheese chips, these are some of the better ones I’ve had. The cheese is the exact same flavor as can be found in Lay’s Cheddar and Sour Cream. I’d fall over from shock if you told me that powder didn’t come from the same vat. Or whatever they keep their flavor powders in.

The chiles part of this equation is much milder than I expected it to be. Honestly, there’s almost no heat at all, which you might find disappointing, but then you hit one that gives you a little burst of unmistakeable chile flavor. It’s not just “generic spicy,” it’s chile. I’m going to say poblanos, even though they aren’t listed as an ingredient. The chips are perfectly in line with the mild heat of that pepper, too. Somehow, they made that poblano flavor happen, and, while subtle, it’s delicious.

I have to hand it to Lay’s – all stereotyping aside, I think they did a fine job of capturing the taste of the southwest. Of course, I can only speak for my home state, but they sure nailed the flavor of Arizona. Sure, cheese flavor, anyone can do that. It’s cheese. But when that chile flavor hits, I feel like I’m standing in the parking lot of my local Mexican grocery store, where they have a big 55-gallon-drum grill set up near the entrance, roasting big batches of poblano peppers. Now I sound like I’m writing a commercial for Lay’s. Damn you, Lay’s Southwest Cheese and Chiles!

As a side note, for those of you concerned with things like “health” and “not ingesting so many preservatives that your body embalms itself,” it might interest you to know that all the regional Lay’s are made with “all natural potatoes and seasonings.” Your days of yearning for a chip that isn’t made with Styrofoam potatoes is over. Raise your hands to the gods in thanks.

I may never get a chance to taste all the other regional flavors, but I give Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles a thumbs up both for flavor and accomplishing their marketing goal, which was to capture the flavor of a distinct and unique region of the United States. For those of you living in the other 40.5 states, you can get creative and try to find this flavor on eBay or something, or you could try out your own regional flavor and see how it stacks up. Hopefully, you’ll be as satisfied as I am.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package — 290 calories, 170 calories from fat, 18 grams of total fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 8 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 800 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 2% calcium, 20 % vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles Potato Chips

Price: 99 cents

Size: 1 7/8 ounces

Purchased at: Circle K

Rating: 8 out of 10

Pros: Captures the flavors of the region. The smell of roasting poblano peppers. All-natural ingredients. Tastes like chiles, not just “spicy.” Taquerías. Yummy cheddar flavor, even if it was stolen from another Lay’s product.

Cons: May disappoint some in the spicy heat department. The Carolinas get two flavors. Only available in 9.5 states. Mysteriously absent dip recipes. Stephen Colbert eventually ruling the world.