Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez

I want to go on record saying that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste is the most Fergalicious-tasting toothpaste EVER.

The Colgate Dora the Explorer Toothpaste has a good fruit flavor and the Kid’s Aquafresh and the Crest Wild Expressions have nice bubblegum flavors, but all of them pale in comparison to the flavor of the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste.

I swear it tasted like candy! If it were a candy, its tart green apple taste would be all right, but since it’s a toothpaste its taste rocks.

It felt like it was made up of nothing but sugar, because it was kind of grainy like some of the whitening toothpastes out there, but I don’t think the graininess did a good job of cleaning my teeth. There was also no foaming action with it, which was surprising.

Its great taste has made me want to brush my teeth more than once a day. If they made a floss that tasted like this, I would definitely be flossing more than the once a year I already do now. If they made a mouthwash that tasted this good, I would be drinking it down hardcore like I was a freshman at a fraternity party.

Although I will admit, it maybe a great tasting toothpaste, but it definitely is the worst cavity preventing toothpaste EVER. Actually, I don’t really think it did any cavity prevention at all. As a matter of fact, I think it did the opposite and I expect my teeth to fall out soon.

But now that I think about it, that would explain why the word “squeez” in its name is missing an “e” at the end of it. I believe the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste used itself to brush itself, which caused the “e” to either fall out or rot away.

Actually, now that I think about it even more, the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste might be helping me prevent cavities by giving me cavities, because if all my teeth rot away, I can’t get cavities on them ever. Plus, if I don’t have teeth, I don’t have to floss. Bonus! It seems like the ultimate cavity protection.

This toothpaste totally blows my mind, even though I found it in the candy section of the convenience store.

Unfortunately, it only comes in a small 1.5-ounce travel size tube, which is small enough to take on a plane without it being confiscated by the TSA, but not big enough for the huge teeth of both actress Julia Roberts and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

I also wish the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would do a good job of freshening my breath, which would totally make up for the future loss of my teeth. Seriously, how am I going to attract the ladies if I don’t have fresh breath? I don’t have looks, personality, or two eyebrows to make up for it. Sure I could find a woman who is blind, deaf, and lacks the sense of smell, but there aren’t many of them around.

Oh cruel world, where is thy Helen Keller to fill thy empty heart?

The bottom line is that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would probably make a decent candy, but kind of sucks as a toothpaste.

Item: Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It’s Fergalicious-tasting. It tastes like candy. Not too tart. Tube size is perfect for travel.
Cons: Its lack of cavity prevention is a dentist’s nightmare…or dream. Doesn’t freshen breath. No foaming toothpaste action. Grainy texture doesn’t seem to clean teeth. Tube size not big enough for people with big teeth. Found in candy aisle.

41 thoughts on “Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez

  1. Foaming action is useless in regards to cleaning ability, it’s there so the consumer thinks cleaning is occurring (same with soap, bubbles are artificially added and unnecessary)

  2. Damn, I really want to try this. It seems like it’s right up there with other meaningless candies, such as Fun-Dip, or Pixie Stix. Mmm…fun-dip.

  3. Did you actually eat it? Did it make you barf? I called the Authorities On The Back Of A Major Toothpaste Brand, and they said it makes you barf if you swallow enough toothpaste. I know for a fact that it does if you drink shampoo. Which is what one has to do if you eat the entire contents of an ExLax package–not me, silly, a stupid double Ex of mine did, and I laughed really really hard.

    BTW, if you’re having breath issues, try Smart Mouth–an easy twice a day not unpleasant rinse that’ll fix it. Still need mints or strips to “freshen up” your mouth, but your breath is no longer rancid.

  4. Glad you enjoyed this product, Marvo. Maybe they’ll come out with a Green Apple Tart shampoo version soon. If they do, remember not to drink it….no matter how good it smells.

  5. Curse you Marvo! You’ve gone TOO FAR this time by invoking the name of the ultimate skank and her ridiculous rip off the timeless term coined by Destiny’s Child (I really do not think you are ready for this jelly).

    Actually enough flouride toothpaste is deadly poisonous, however most of these kids’ candy-flavored toothpastes have no flouride in them because they know if they make it taste that good the kids are going to eat it and they don’t want thousands of moms suing them over their dead babies. If you have a serious breath issue, rigorous brushing or scraping of the tongue actually usually does the best to address that (use a tongue scraper that you buy at the drug store, don’t just try using random household objects).

  6. In the future, I’d like to see the consistency of these products. Is the Squeez gel light green, neon green? What about the gum, was it white or coffee-colored? Thanks.

  7. Aw, next you’ll be telling me that Baby Bottle Pop contains no real formula. Spoilsport.

    Might explain that whole “failure to thrive” speech the pediatrician gave me, though….

  8. My dears, please re-read the review. Perhaps you’ll understand the word “satire”. Surely you do not think Marvo is that stupid do you? Well? Do you?

  9. Of course it’s not toothpaste (though my child tried deperately to convince me otherwise, much like I did myself when I was a wee youngun and tried to pretend those candy cigarettes (the white ones that tasted like sweet chalk and had one puff of candy powder to simulate the “smoke”) were actually real.

    Fergalicious. Why do so many people hate that song? I think it’s kinda funny, reminds me of the roller rink.

  10. This goes well with the evil (and as yet, expressed) urge I get to gargle with green food coloring right before I go to the dentist. If I were 10 again, I’d be eating this stuff with a vengeance. Very funny!

  11. Yep, I never get how dentists don’t want you to have cavities. If I was a dentist I would give out loads of candy instead of free toothbrushes and toothpaste to my customers. It insures they will be back when they have a tooth ache, and I get to charge them $1500 for a root canal/tooth extraction/new tooth. W00T! I

  12. So, if I brush my teeth with candy, they’ll all fall out and then I won’t have to brush them anymore, and then I can get plastic teeth and continue to brush with candy without worries? Sounds like a win-win situation to me. Bring on the dentures!

  13. I wouldn’t recommend using this toothpaste. Personally I just gargle with a box of Nerds, then floss with some red vines, and that seems to do the trick.

  14. haha, great review Marvo! Although I think it went right over the heads of some of the slower readers… but it’s all good in the hood. I don’t know how you feel about fergie, but personally, I find her to be growing into a whore of Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan proportions.

    Meh.

  15. how can you eat something with that consistency? you can’t really chew it, can you? so you like what, squeeze it into your mouth and just let it sit on your tongue?

    blech.

  16. When are they going to come out with a chocolate flavored toothpaste? Or how about Orange Juice flavored. I’d like that.

  17. mmm fergalicious
    mmm sweetarts squeez

    i tried the cherry and the apple flavors (they have blue raspberry too) and the cherry is my favorite. the grainy texture didn’t even bother me. mmmcherrysqueezyfegiesweetartlious.

  18. “ultimate skank and her ridiculous rip off the timeless term coined by Destiny’s Child”

    Hell, she not only ripped off Destiny’s Child, but old school female rappers JJ Fad. “Fergalicious” sounds EXACTLY like JJ Fad’s “Supersonic”. Outrage!

    Oh yeah, and Marvo- I can’t stand green apple flavored candy so I don’t think I’ll be trying this any time soon.

  19. Domokun – Or I could just carry parsley around with me.

    Chuck – I may just taste it.

    L’il E – I just use a spoon to scrape my tongue and to cook the crack. ;-)

    Abi – It was a neon green and the gum was coffee-colored.

    cory – It doesn’t. I wish it did though.

    DaDead – It’s all about the wooden teeth.

    Vod – I know that now.

    Wednesday – Baby Breast Pop also contains no real breast milk. ;-)

    Webmiztris – I’m definitely not sure anymore.

    MCW – Sometimes I am pretty stupid, like that time I froze an entire Costco-sized tray of ground beef and had to saw it into pieces to get what I wanted.

    melis – Yup, Lucky Strikes one puff. Crappy gum.

  20. L’il E – Mmm…bubblegum flavored toothpaste.

    Ace N. – I just hope they provide a clean needle with every package.

    Diana – I would just rub some brownie mix on my front teeth and then ask the dentist if you have anything on your teeth.

    Muneer – Possibly even better? Just tell them they have cavities, when they really don’t.

    Melanie – When that happens, don’t forget about the Polident!

    Zadillo – Flossing with red vines sounds pretty hard, except for Madonna with that huge gap inbetween her front teeth.

    calvin – I don’t know about that. It takes a WHOLE LOT to reach the level of whoriness that Paris Hilton has achieved. She has had sooooo many nipple slips that she should just go topless everywhere.

    jenn – Just suck it out of the tube and spread it across the tongue using your upper palate and savor the taste. Or squeeze some on a toothbrush and scrub your tongue with it.

    Gman – If they came out with orange juice flavored toothpaste, I’d be all over that like white on bread, because I’m tired of the after effects of drinking orange juice after brushing my teeth.

    Jean – Thank you! Please come again!

    stephanie – The only other flavor they had was the cherry. The other flavor is probably on the slow boat here.

    Toni – How about red apple flavored candy?

  21. eh, I don’t know. it seems like even when she was in Black Eyed Peas(I don’t know if she still is) I felt like she was trying to use the group to boost her own fame; which is further show by the fact that she released a solo album, with most of the songs sounding like “My humps.” I don’t know, it’s just like she’s trying to use her sluttiness to boost record sales.

  22. How did [almost] this whole post get turned into a Fergie pros & cons? Come on people! Focus!

    … But now that we mention it, I actually like the song Fergalious, yeah it’s a rip off from Bootylicious, but I can have my Fergie and Booty at the same time.

    P.S. I like [brackets].

  23. yeah but I hardly think anyone would like to think of Fergie + sex. *shudders*

    And btw I bought the Paris Hilton tape…Just kidding ( I really downloaded it on limewire, only to quickly delete it).

  24. Oh my god. I had to read this twice, over two days, to realize that this wasn’t actually toothpaste. Will someone please sign me up for remedial sarcasm class?

  25. Heather Feather – I like < & > because they look like alligator mouths.

    calvin – Sure you did. ;-)

    Alex – I believe most community colleges offer one.

  26. LoL that’s great, I’ve never even thought of that. Haha.
    Have you ever seen adult swim on Cartoon Network at night?
    I love it; they write it like this –> [adult swim]
    That’s where my love of brackets came from. ^_^

    Oh and I like

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