REVIEW: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum


For many it’s a morning elixir or a liquid alarm clock, if you will.

I’m not a coffee connoisseur for several reason: I hate waiting in long lines at Starbucks and I hear hot coffee farts aren’t pleasant at all.

A co-worker once asked me, how I can be so cheery and perky in the morning since I don’t drink coffee. I told her that I’m high on life and look forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.

After telling her this, she told me she hated me and then with a glimmer of animosity in her eyes, she took the lid off of her six dollar Starbucks espresso, had thoughts about throwing the scalding hot liquid at my face, but soon came to her senses, not because the hot coffee would burn me, but because she would be wasting a six dollar Starbucks espresso and would have to wait in a long line to get another.

Of course, what I told her wasn’t the truth, but I couldn’t tell her what really got me going every morning, which was either crack cocaine or lines of regular cocaine off of a passed out stripper’s ass.

I may not be a coffee drinker, but I seem to like coffee-flavored products, like ice cream and candy. I enjoy these products because they tend to be just like the way I like my women, artificially colored and flavored. Recently, I got to try the Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme coffee flavored gum, which finally appeared on the shelves here after being announced earlier this year.

You would think that having the town of Kona on one of these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, would pretty much guarantee the Kona Creme gum being on store shelves here when it was introduced, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

For those who don’t know, Kona coffee is considered to be one of the premium coffees in the world and it comes from a little town called Kona, which is a tourist destination, much like Oahu’s Waikiki or Maui’s Lahaina, except significantly smaller and without any transvestite prostitutes.

Speaking of transvestite prostitutes, this Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme gum is very much like one, because at first it was pretty good, but then after a little more chewing and digging it became something I didn’t expect…nor want…nor pay extra for.

When I first put it in my mouth it had a very good coffee flavor, which tasted much like other Kona coffee products I’ve tried. However, about a minute later that flavor turned into something I didn’t want to savor. It turned bad like it was Darth Vader and now I’m a Kona Creme gum hater and don’t really trust its creator.

Um, I’m not too sure why those last two sentences ended up rhyming.

But it might’ve been the cocaine.

Item: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Good coffee flavor while it lasted. Doing lines of coke off of a passed out stripper’s ass. Being high on life and looking forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.
Cons: Flavor doesn’t last very long. When the flavor runs out, it tastes pretty bad. No caffeine. Transvestite prostitutes, unless you’re into them. Coffee farts. Long lines at Starbucks for expensive coffee. Won’t freshen breath.

31 thoughts to “REVIEW: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum”

  1. A coffee flavored gum with no caffeine? Sweet Jesus, the horror! I have never really been a big gum fan because once the initial “sweet” taste wears off it’s just like a stick of rubber in your mouth. But oh well.

    I tend to be a cheap bastard, myself, so I usually brew my own coffee rather than going to Starbucks. However, every once in a while I splurge and pay for it.

  2. The only reason this product is selling is because it contains the word “Coffee” which makes people think “caffine” which makes people think “awake/hyper/alert/other verbs I don’t feel like writing” and also because of the pretty package.

    But mostly the pretty package.
    It’s seductive.
    People seducing coffee gum… who knew there’d be a market for it?

  3. Sweet Jesus… COFFEE GUM? YUCK!

    I drink coffee and NEVER have I wanted to eat something or chew something that had that flavor…

    That would be like “BBQ flavored toothpaste” I LOVE BBQ, but it belongs on meat. Same with Coffee, stay in my mug.

  4. You seem to refer to cocaine and transvestite hookers far too often for these references to be the jokes that I at first took them to be. Actually one of my biggest memories from the 7+ years I lived in and around Honolulu as a child was a tale of a transvestite stripper (we lived up on Fort Shafter a bit, hence the “around”). However, I can’t suggest crack for that morning pick me up. Crack, or its white-trash cousin freebase, is an all-encompassing, fairly debilitating rush that is over way too quickly. Definitely stick to the more common powdered nose candy, just the ocassional bump will keep you maintaining all through the day. At least until your tolerance grows too high and your nasal passage totally corrodes that is.

    Are you a big gum chewer in general? I am not a fan but my wife likes to buy packs and packs and will chew piece after piece quickly and in a row, as if it is candy. After a few minutes of chewing she’ll pop out the old piece and pop in a new one until the pack is gone. I find it to be a bit disturbing. Thus, I avoid gum, even Kona Coffee gum, despite your compelling argument in its favor 😉

  5. I despise gum. How people can anjoy chewing on something over and over with no intention of eating just disturbs me. Then there are the ignorant morons who just spit it out in parking lots, sidewalks, and at drive-thru windows; they make me want to treat them like bad puppies and rub their face in their spit out nasty gum wad ( or at the very least make them walk in it so they can experience that joy for themselves…..)

  6. gum also bugs me.
    LOUD CHEWERS are the bane of my existence.

    but this coffee flavored gum sounds kinda gross. Coffee? Bleh.

  7. Do you think the little squiggly bits on the package were meant to signify, “WARNING: May contain coffee farts”?

    I think I would like this as a Lifesaver flavor, especially a Cremesaver. Not gum. Gum must be minty, to get rid of coffee breath. Everyone knows that.

  8. Did you shove the remaining 16 sticks of gum up your espresso-drinkin’ coworker’s butt? At the very least you should put them on her chair and let osmosis do its job. This way, this snarky coworker gets hot gummy artificially colored and flavored coffee farts, and you get a big sanctimonious feeling deep inside without the farting.

  9. Where the hell do you find this gum? It is not around here in New Orleans. It probably tastes like crap but I like to try weird gum.

  10. i couldn’t even make it through half a pack of this junk. and you are ON THE MONEY about the weird way it morphs from acceptable to unpleasant

    and yeah, you’re right, you’d think you’d have this kona gum before anywhere else!

  11. This sounds hella nasty. And coffee flavored gum just seems wrong. Personally, I like coffee, but not for the caffeine because it has no effect on me whatsoever.

    Although it is fun to listen to the fancy coffee jargon at Starbucks. “A grande caramel macchiato, sans cinnamon, with a shot of mint.” Wow. It makes me feel so sophisticated. LOL.

  12. i don’t like coffee and the idea of coffee flavored gum sounds narsty…but the cappuccino jelly bellys? THOSE are fantastic!

  13. Coffee is my reason for living!! So screw gum, somebody shoot me up with some coffee. That’s my ultimate dream – a coffee syringe. I’m getting hyped up just thinking about it. Though I guess cocaine could do the trick, too, and the skanky smell of a much-used hooker’s ass early in the morning. That’ll probably wake you up and set you off running.

  14. You know how they have those coffee enemas? I wonder what a Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum enema would feel like…….

  15. Chuck – It’s also probably healthier to brew your own.

    Heather Feather – But I don’t think they’ll be a market for it very long.

    James – Homer Simpson: Mmm…BBQ flavored toothpaste.

    L’il E – I don’t buy as much gum as your wife, but I usually use it to have fresh breath for the transvestite hookers. 😉

    Barb – I say stick it up their nose then pinch it.

    KT – What did you say? I’m surrounded by LOUD CHEWERS!!! Damn, close your mouths. What are you cows?

    Wednesday – Coffee hard candy…good. Coffee soft gum…not good.

    Domokun – Nah, I wouldn’t do that to her. She’s hott.

  16. govtdrone – It took forever to get here, but I’m sure you’ll find it at your local Circle K or either 7-Eleven.

    tg – Damn you Wrigley’s!!! Damn you!!!

    Brie – I think that’s why I’m intimidated to order anything at Starbucks, I’ll probably called it small, medium, and large.

    jenn – You should try Kona coffee ice cream….Yummy in my tummy.

    Melanie – I’ve got two words for you: coffee bong.

    Zadillo – I’m not going to review that.

  17. What’s the point of a coffee gum if there’s no caffeine in it?

    Me personally, I think I’m (GASP!) allergic to coffee. Sometimes, when I drink it, I start to feel nauseated afterwards. Then again, it may just be the coffee they serve at the Borders bookstore.

  18. Shit, a bong!! Thanks, Marvo – I so should have thought of that on my own. I guess it’s the ex-stoner dead brain cells ridding me of all rational thought…

  19. Why would you compare something bad to cocaine and tranny hookers? Its only bad if someone sees you doing it or him/her. Like texting your fed-x husband of your divorce intentions?

  20. hope you don’t split into you marvos after chewing the gum. Double the Marvo would be scary as hell

  21. I hate gum. Love coffe though….LOVE coffee. If I could, I’d marry coffee (*anyone remember that? being a kid and loving something until one of your friends would say “well why don’t you marry it then?”).


    I crack me up

  22. coffee – good, gum – good, coffee flavoured gum is so not good – Trident tried this a while back – and where is that gum now? right , no where…

  23. Toni – Just consider it decaf coffee gum, but caffeinated coffee gum would rock.

    Melanie – I’ve got a funnel if you need one.

    db cooper – I don’t think Fed-Ex could text her back, since he can’t spell. Poor guy.

    Cory – No, mon! No Jamaican Blue Mountain, mon! Yah, irie!

    DaDead – It would be like the movie Parent Trap, except with striptease movies and wayyyy too many K-Fed references.

    Webmiztris – Unfortunately for some, not even gum can get rid of coffee breath.

    melis – I married Legos, but we were divorced within days because it was freaky that she should build herself and then take herself apart and turn into something else, like a spaceship or a dude.

    Darryl – Oooh! Please bring it back Trident! Please! So I can review it and then make it go away.

  24. i love gum and this is great becaue of me being on a low carb diet and not able to get my coffie like i used to this is a great exception and it last pretty long and tastes great……

  25. I have hear so much about your new gum, but can’t fine it. I love coffee and would like to try this gum very much. could you send a sample pack to me to try. I would love to try this gum and possible buy as much as I can if I’m able to fine it. Thank-you.

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