Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Claudia.

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. She wasn’t the prettiest girl at my school, but I was glad that she wasn’t, because the popular pretty girls were total whores, not only because they had hickies on their necks most of the time by guys who were in high school, but because the only time they would talk to me was when they needed to see my homework to copy it.

I think it was Claudia’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. On the other hand, the whores at my school wore tight shirts, sweaters, and Bongo Jeans that showed off their developing bodies, which they flaunted in front of me as they called me names like weirdo, dork, nerd, four-eyes, and dweeb, but yet I still let them copy my homework.

I like to think that perhaps Claudia liked me too, until she started hanging out with Russell, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Russell a friend, but after I saw him holding Claudia’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Claudia because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Claudia, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Claudia before Russell and after Russell. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Claudia prior to Russell. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Claudia in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Russell.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Claudia would find Russell attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Russell would’ve looked like. Sure Russell was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Claudia and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Claudia’s dimples. Claudia’s checkerboard skirt. Claudia’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Get shitty as it gets warm. Those whores at my school. That shaggy-haired bastard Russell. Mr. Owl.

37 thoughts on “Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

  1. You obviously only have one option, hunt down Russell now and beat him up, dress in that skirt and set him loose on the beach……. with bows in his shaggy (probably balding by now) hair. Vengeance!!!!!

    You know, those 20oz are supposed to be 2.5 servings, so if you actually only drank one serving, you could probably slow sip it and would still be cold when you finish it (but who the hell does something bizarre like that.)

  2. This column actually made me tear up, Marvo.

    I just want to let you know, dude, I’ve been there. Here’s hoping both of us will find somebody to make us forget our first loves…

    - BHS

  3. melis – I don’t know if Claudia is a fool, because back then I had the poser skater look going and braces…oh and the realization that I needed to start using deodorant.

    Brenda – Hi, Brenda! How about we both bring sodas? Because I might bring something that you totally hate, like flat Diet 7Up. Also, the only Claudia you ever knew may have been a total puta, but in my single state, I can’t be picky.

    Barb – I don’t want to hunt Russell down because that would take too much time. But I might be willing to pay someone to do it for me.

    Natalia – Wait. What’s sick? My love for Claudia or the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream?

    tasakeru828 – I don’t know about forgetting my first love, because she took a piece of my heart and soul, which can’t be replaced, but can be temporarily bandaged with another love or pity sex.

    tofubaby – Unfortunately, this blog has a whole bunch of reviews like this. :-)

  4. Sorry about the lack of distinction. The soda, absolutely. The story of you and Claudia, and your journey together, was sweet. The type of sweet I enjoy, unlike that of drinking carbonated caramel. That’s just sick.

  5. Awwww, the first half of your review is the sweetest review I’ve read Marvo! And the second half is just way cool with the Tootsie Pop reference!

    I dunno about this caramel Pepsi, it sounds really sweet. I do miss vanilla Coke though.

  6. Lila – I have one right next to me. Let me pinch myself and then see if it’s still there. OUCH. It’s still there. It’s real.

    Natalia – Put those things together and it’s sickly sweet like excessive amounts of public displays of affection.

    Kaonashi – I say make your own vanilla Coke. Get some vanilla syrup from a coffee shop and some Coke. Mix them together and voila! Vanilla Coke! Booyah!

  7. Marvo,

    I read your review literally hours before finding some of this myself. My experiences were far less favorable than yours. I saw things. Horrible, disturbing things.

    “Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl” however, made my day.

  8. Thommy Browne – I remember RC Cola being sweeter than Coke and Pepsi. Anyway, you might want to try eBay if you want to find more bottle of RC Draft.

  9. This soda is disgusting. The other Jazz flavor were tolerable… but this makes me want to vomit.

  10. Actually, it did not suck. The soda was really good, I am a huge caramel person. And the review was awesome. Am adding this blog to my RSS feeds. Kudos, Marvo.

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