I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Claudia.
She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. She wasn’t the prettiest girl at my school, but I was glad that she wasn’t, because the popular pretty girls were total whores, not only because they had hickies on their necks most of the time by guys who were in high school, but because the only time they would talk to me was when they needed to see my homework to copy it.
I think it was Claudia’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.
I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. On the other hand, the whores at my school wore tight shirts, sweaters, and Bongo Jeans that showed off their developing bodies, which they flaunted in front of me as they called me names like weirdo, dork, nerd, four-eyes, and dweeb, but yet I still let them copy my homework.
I like to think that perhaps Claudia liked me too, until she started hanging out with Russell, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Russell a friend, but after I saw him holding Claudia’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.
The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Claudia because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Claudia, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.
Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Claudia before Russell and after Russell. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Claudia prior to Russell. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Claudia in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Russell.
This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Claudia would find Russell attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Russell would’ve looked like. Sure Russell was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Claudia and kind of clumsy.
Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.
I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.
Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?
Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.
Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?
Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..
Mr. Owl: Crunch!
Mr. Owl: Three!
Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.
Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.
Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Claudia’s dimples. Claudia’s checkerboard skirt. Claudia’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Get shitty as it gets warm. Those whores at my school. That shaggy-haired bastard Russell. Mr. Owl.