REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake

In perhaps the most random pairing since Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the horrible action flick Double Team, Carl’s Jr. and Cap’n Crunch have come together to deliver an ice cream shake that can satisfy any dairy craving. But why Cap’n Crunch? Is he not one of the lamest of all cereal mascots? Is the Lucky Charms leprechaun strung out on acid? Has the Trix rabbit finally ended his agony by murdering all the children that have tormented him?

I would hope not, but it is a rather curious choice. Cap’n Crunch has been laying low for the past several years, presumably shamed by the negative media attention he has received. First, his cereal was accused of cutting the roofs of people’s mouths, then Chris Rock compares him to Michael Jackson. His last appearance was a cameo on Family Guy where we discover that he had put a hit out on Count Chocula for spreading the mouth laceration rumor.

Whatever the reason for his disappearance, the Cap’n is back in milkshake form. After I tasted the ultra-thick shake, I realized why Cap’n Crunch is surprisingly delicious, especially when it’s blended and you don’t have to eat it in fear. You get a shake that is mostly ice cream and topped with a good amount of whipped cream. This is essential for me because I like to do that sexy tongue thing with the whipped cream, making this a perfect date dessert.

However, you probably won’t be able to enjoy this as you’re commuting. The cereal bits can easily clog the straw and make consumption-on-the-go pretty much impossible. Ask for a spoon if you’re planning on enjoying it. Even without the cereal, it’s still too thick to suck down.

That’s what she said.

Another downside is that even though it doesn’t taste ridiculously sweet, this thing is packed with 79 grams of sugar. It also has 35 grams of fat, a fact that Jared from Subway is sure to be shoving in your face during his next commercial. It’s probably a good idea to split this one, seeing as it has enough fat and sugar to kill a small child. It would be a pleasant and painless death, but one that the Cap’n probably wouldn’t want to be held liable for.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Shake – 740 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 100 mg of cholesterol, 320mg sodium, 94 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 79 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake
Price: FREE from the Carl’s Jr. PR peeps (retails for $3.09)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Blended cereal and ice cream taste surprisingly good together. Won’t cut the roof of your mouth. Even with all the sugar, doesn’t taste too sweet. That sexy thing I do with whipped cream.
Cons: Cap’n Crunch is a pretty lame mascot. The movie Double Team. Jared from Subway’s condescending attitude. Nearly impossible to drink through the straw. Enough fat and sugar to kill small children.

24 thoughts on “REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake

  1. haha i get the first comment. i like the captain and i wish he would come back. the leperchaun is the most creepy.

  2. Sounds delicious; however, my diet will not allow me to drink such delicious things 🙁 Good thing I don’t have a Carl Jr.’s near me.

    And dammit that cereal DOES cut the roof of your mouth!

  3. Cap’n Crunch cuts uo the roof of your mouth??? That’s crazy!! I knew I didn’t eat cereal for a reason.

    Once again, another product that I think I’ll have to pass on

  4. As an adult, the phrase “Trix are for kids!” always makes me think of some creepy pimp using underage prostitutes.

    This flavor sounds too weird for me to try. Kind of like chocolate cherry diet Dr. Pepper.

  5. If you eat Cap’n Crunch long enough you build up a nice mouth-roof callus (well…that’s where I say I got it, anyway).

  6. I’m a big fan of Cap’n Crunch, and have never had it cut the roof of my mouth. Ever. I could imagine it poking it if you chew quickly, or stuff your mouth so full that you can’t chew with your teeth, but not otherwise. Guess I’m in the minority, though.

  7. I was going to post a comment about drinking your Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. Drinking it up!

    But I’m not going to be ‘that guy.’

  8. I always did wonder what happened to Count Chocula. I kinda thought he ran away with Sgt. Cheeseburger, and they adopted little Spuds Mackenzies.

  9. if they did this up with peanut butter crunch, i’d be on it like, well, the fat kid that i am. i was never too crazy about the original though. but seeing as my coworkers hit carl’s at least once a week for lunch i’m sure someone will get this and make me try it. and i won’t complain at all, because who would. really.

  10. Ew, I don’t want this. Even if I do like Captain Crunch. But I will say this: it’s never cut the roof of my mouth. Guess I’m just lucky.

  11. I was the kid who used a ladel to try to get as much as I can in to my mouth. I LOVED Cap’n Crunch. By the time I was done my mouth looked like I had stalactites hanging from the roof. I didn’t care cause it was sooo good. My mom actually stopped buying the stuff cause she thought that I was gonna have a crunch overdose.

  12. liz – But Lucky is the least creepy of all leprechauns! And I’ve never seen him touch a kid either, which is more than I can say about Tony the Tiger.

    Marvo – This seems to be the consensus, but why? Does he have stock in Orajel?

    Alisha – Lucky for me, I’m far too single to have a woman bug me about getting on a diet. Though perhaps that why I’m single…hmm…this is all too confusing, I’m going to go eat a donut.

    Kylie – Maybe they should rename the cereal to Lieutenant Lacerate?

    Chuck – Yeah, they might as well call it “Dicksucking Good for Your Skank Ass”. Or maybe not…well, you know what I mean.

    Karen – Too much of anything to the hard palate will do that to you. A fact I know all too well from my days in prison.

    Jesse – Readers of TIB tend to eat like ducks, we don’t use our teeth to ingest food. This can lead to serious injury.

    rfduck – I think Kelis has made milkshake jokes uncool for the next 15 years at least.

  13. demondoll – You must be thinking of BooBerry.

    stephanie – Hooray for product slogans and their mysterious way of making us crave food.

    betsy – Mmm…that sounds pretty good too. Maybe I’ll bring some Reeses and tell them to throw it in for me next time.

    Brie – Yes, lucky and you actually eat like a civilized person unlike most of us.

    luckinflux – The stalactite part was disgusting, but also endearing and inspiring.

    Susu – Lieutenant Lacerate strikes again! Do his wicked ways know no end?

    meech – I’m sure we could gather the support, but I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble for $2.99 a person.

    Sass – Thanks, and consider yourself one of the lucky ones!

    Jester – Thank you, sir. I drink you milkshake as well.

  14. It could be a stretch…but maybe the inspiration for this came from the movie Benny and Joon? Wasn’t she making a Cap’n Crunch milkshake in the first part of the movie?

  15. Miss Britt – Yes, and it even tastes better in milkshake forum. Though I guess almost everything would taste better blended with ice cream.

    Shannon – Must have been destroyed in the Cloverfield attack. Damn that stupid monster.

    Chelsea – Wikipedia says that Joon made a shake out of peanut butter Cap’n Crunch. Sounds good, but I’m not sure if I’ll track down the movie to confirm.

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