Hola, mi amigos! Como estas? Esta es la Compra Impulsiva, y hoy–
Ah, dammit… sorry, I was looking at the wrong side of the box. As it happens, the package of Frosted Flakes Chocolate I picked up has English on one side; but instead of a maze or outlandish claims about being healthy for you on the back, we’re treated to a mirror image of the front except the product name is now “Choco Zucaritas.” (Es nuevo!) Interestingly, the top and bottom of the box only use the Spanish name, and that’s what’s shown above the nutritional information on the side, so I guess it’s primarily targeted at Spanish speakers? Either way, I applaud Kellogg’s for reaching out to the Latino community, despite it serving as another painful reminder that when choosing a second language in school, I picked French instead of one that might conceivably be useful to me someday. That’s okay — I’ll be the one laughing when Canada finally invades, ya hosers.
But let’s get serious for a second: we’re talking about a product that on the surface sounds… well, fantastic. Awe-inspiring. God’s own breakfast cereal, one might reasonably speculate. I’ve sampled plenty of cereals in my day, but I always find my way back to Frosted Flakes in the end, because it’s one of the best. Which begs the question: can you improve upon the best? True innovators always think so, and Kellogg’s has given it a shot by adding a chocolate coating to the classic sugared flakes. You might consider that overkill — can your palate really handle frosting AND chocolate at the same time? — but it’s that kind of thinking that could have deprived the world of Peanut Butter Cups, so I’m prepared to give this a shot.
Opening the package immediately wafts a strong chocolate scent into your nostrils. I wondered for half a second why it smelled so familiar before realizing it’s the identical aroma given off by Cocoa Krispies. Promising, and a look at the flakes doesn’t change that assessment, though it is a little surprising. I think I was expecting flakes that were entirely chocolate, but that’s not what these are. Nor are they regular flakes with just a slight dusting of chocolate on them. It’s a little hard to describe, but basically they look like Frosted Flakes that are in the process of converting to chocolate, like you caught them mid-transformation or something. Remember in The Monster Squad when that cop shot Dracula, and they found him stuck halfway between human and bat forms? It’s like that. Also, don’t think about that scene before you eat these, it’s gross.
Unfortunately, if the smell and the appearance of Frosted Flakes Chocolate are like the first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown,” the taste is the remaining three minutes and fifty-two seconds, where even Europe fans pack up their stuff and head for the exits. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the two flavors of frosting and chocolate don’t mesh well together. It’s just too much, and I’m a guy who never shies away from the most cavity-inducing option. For the first second or two they taste fine, but then it’s almost like a time delay kicks in and both the sugar and chocolate flavors burst onto the scene at once. And like every pair of cops ever depicted on TV or in the movies, they don’t play well together.
It highlights the danger of going in with such high expectations, I guess, because it’s not like Frosted Flakes Chocolate are terrible. They’re chocolatey, they’re sugary, they stay crunchy for the same length of time as the regular variety. We’re all familiar with gimmick cereals and I guess I hoped these would be different, because chocolate + frosting = win, right? But it’s like listening to two talented rappers battling, only instead of taking turns they’re both going at the same time, so everything sounds like, “Yo, your girlfriend your momma came over last really knows how to WORK that pole my rhymes are dope, you got no hope to cope, you’re a joke and my ASS, bitch.” Then they both drop their microphones at once and you go deaf.
Or, as Antonio el Tigre would say: No son gr-r-randes!
(Nutrition Facts — 1 cup — 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)
Item: Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas… I mean, Frosted Flakes Chocolate
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Learning Spanish while I eat breakfast. Smells just like Cocoa Krispies. The Monster Squad. Satisfying your curiosity. Peanut butter cups. The first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown.” Both individual tastes are good.
Cons: Chocolate and frosting tastes do not mesh well. That much hype is a lot to live up to, and it doesn’t. Choosing French in school. Simultaneous rap battles. My rhymes. No son grandes.