Happy National Cookie Month! Break out the Oreos and snickerdoodles, because this October, we’re celebrating cookies.
Though I can find no record of the origins of this commemorative month on the Internet, it’s safe to assume its birth can be traced back to 1904, when President Theodore Roosevelt held the Nabisco Conference in Washington, D.C. There, Roosevelt mediated the signing of a peace treaty between Ambassador Pop N. Fresh of the Pillsbury Republic and Lieutenant Bertha “Mrs.” Fields of the Cookie Rebellion Army, ending a ninety year civil war. To celebrate the momentous occasion, Roosevelt signed a federal enactment declaring the month of October in honor of the newly found peace.
This year, Papa John’s will be celebrating National Cookie Month by offering to fatten you up. After you finish stuffing your face with copious amounts of grease, processed cheese, and tomato sauce, you now have the opportunity to indulge in dough and chocolate chips with the pizza chain’s new Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie. The fresh-baked, family-sized cookie regularly costs six dollars, but can be purchased for only five dollars with any pizza through October 27.
After witnessing the promotional photos of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie, it’s clear to me that Papa John’s is relying upon the gimmick of a cookie in pizza form. This pizza-cookie duality is familiar to me. As a child, I recall numerous kindergarteners bringing to school a “cookie pizza” for their birthdays. It was always a treat, especially when the center of the cookie failed to cook through, providing each and every tumbling tot with a yummy serving of salmonellosis. Nothing’s more entertaining than a classroom bursting with sugar-high kindergarteners suffering from explosive diarrhea.
The Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie comes packaged in a miniature pizza box. The cookie was much smaller than expected, appearing rather measly in its flimsy aluminum tin. The promotional photos had made it seem enormous, large enough to feed an entire orphanage of impoverished street urchins or a single Honey Boo Boo. What sat before me was an eight inch pan of cookie resembling a circular plate of baklava, capable of realistically feeding four to eight people of average appetite as a dessert.
Too often, the pleasantries of a chocolate chip cookie are ruined by a rubbery, overcooked bottom. Fortunately, even the underside of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie was soft. The edges of the cookie were similar to brownie edges, offering a bit more of a crunch than the center.
Warm and gooey, Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie is delightfully sweet and somewhat addictive. However, after gobbling up my second slice of the cookie, I found myself in desperate need of a glass of milk. The Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie is extremely dense, and will potentially clump in the back of your throat when consumed devoid of cow-juice.
I also found myself in desperate need of a copy of Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies. Upon reading the nutrition facts on the Papa John’s website, I was shocked to discover that a single portion of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie contains 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 22 percent of the daily value. By eating two-and-a-half slices, I consumed more than half of the recommended amount of saturated fat. And that doesn’t include the pizza I ate beforehand.
As a strapping and chiseled young buck, I have to watch my figure. If I’m not careful, all of those lipids could go straight to my thighs. Then, much like Shakira, my hips won’t lie. They’ll tell the complete and unadulterated truth — that I’m a lazy, overweight American whose diet consists mostly of jelly donuts and Cheetos.
Papa John’s new Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie was a tasty treat, but I can’t see myself purchasing this cookie again in the future, especially after seeing the nutrition facts. In addition, the portion seems rather small for a price tag of five or six dollars. I could easily eat this entire tray by myself on a Friday night, slumped on the sofa while watching the movie Mannequin. (I don’t care what you think. It’s a good movie.)
If I’m looking to experience a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, I’ll gladly buy a package of Toll House cookie dough and mush it all together into one giant cookie. After all, it would taste pretty much the same as the Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie.
If you really must, be sure to try out the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie while the five dollar promotion is still in effect. Grab your wallets, cookieholics.
I’m looking at you, Cookie Monster.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 Slice (39 grams) – 195 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 13 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)
Item: Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie
Purchased Price: $5.00
Size: 1 cookie (8 slices)
Purchased at: Papa John’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Warm, gooey, and soft. Slightly crispy edges. Ambassador Pop N. Fresh.
Cons: Extremely dense. Ridiculously fatty. Seems overpriced. Kindergarteners with salmonellosis.