Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.
I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.
I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.
I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.
You don’t even have the black eyeliner!
How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?
Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?
Nowhere.
I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.
I don’t want you to be a total failure.
Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.
Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.
Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,†and I wrote wack rhymes, like:
I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.

But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.
(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)
Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.