Coke Zero

Coke Zero

Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?


I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.

But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)

Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.

37 thoughts to “Coke Zero”

  1. Why do they keep coming out with this sort of garbage? Every time they come out with something diet, it always leaves an aftertaste in the back of the throat that makes you feel sort of thirsty and want to kill it with something that has calories, therefore defeating the purpose. I dont think the companies realize all this crap they keep coming out with tastes the same and no one wants it and no one is doing anything about it.

    I’d have to say for all the lousy diet soda products made, that Dr. Pepper Vanilla Cherry one was the best by far, but even then it still had that annoying aftertaste.

  2. look, don’t be dissin’ ma C2, brutha (yeah or something like that)… or we’ll have to have a rap-off, and that ain’t gonna be pretty.

  3. As a diet soda junkie, I have tried this already and I agree with you that it sucks. I agree with P057 that diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla is very tasty, as well as regular Diet Dr. Pepper. I also like Diet Coke with Lemon even though it’s become hard to find. Especially for making rum and Diet Cokes, especially if, like me, you’re too cheap to buy Bacardi Limon. However, Diet Coke with Lime pretty much sucks. So does Diet Coke sweetened with Splena. I really didn’t see the reason for Diet Coke Zero at all…it’s almost like it’s the “New Coke” for Diet Coke, and we all know how well that “New Coke” did.

  4. I saw a sign for Coke Zero the other day and I wondered what it was. Then I saw a sign for Coke with Lime. The sign that depicts the Coke can in slices with a juicy lime center. That sign really does a number on my senses as I can’t stop myself from imagining slicing into a juicy, limey can of Coke and then eating said slices only to have your lips and tongue sliced themselves by the sharp edges of the sliced can. Then I start thinking about those Ginsu knives… They sure were sharp knives…

    Thanks for uncovering the mystery that is Coke Zero! (They should put a little black eye mask on the bottle and have it leave tiny 0’s all over the upholstery with it’s wee saber.)

    Just a thought…

  5. This stuff tastes way better than diet coke and closer to the original than any other coke attempt. If we had to give up regular coke, this is the next best thing – if we were strickly coke drinkers. My husband is, but I am a huge diet dr. pepper drinker, which I think tastes better than any other diet drink out there.

    I do have to say that naming this Coke Zero is a bit of false advertising. It does have caffeine in it, which has effects on a person who can’t drink caffeine.

  6. Ooo… I just saw this from Marvo:

    Comment #1 posted on Tuesday, April 12, 2005 at 10:04:02 AM
    User: marvo
    Level: Guest
    Posts: N/A

    Dammit! I just bought a bottle of this yesterday. Hopefully I’ll beat you to the Coke Zero, which comes out in June.

    Zero points! Us East Coasters beat you again.


  7. when i first tried coke zero, i had the thought “hey this goes well with my black nail polish”

  8. Like marvo said, this stuff just doesnt taste good. And it surely isn’t helping out my ill rap skillz.

  9. graceless – Believe it or not, those are actual rhymes I wrote in high school and I’m sad to say, those are my best.

    Lord Jezo – I’m surprised Coke Zero hasn’t tried to start a band.

    P057 – Yup, I would have to agree that Diet Dr. Pepper Vanilla Cherry is the best diet soda I’ve tasted.

    Lucy – Thanks for the compliment, but you never know, the world may run out of everything else to drink and you maybe stuck with Coke Zero.

    Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia – You and me have a rap battle? That would be the weakest rap battle EVER. No one would be the winner, not even the audience listening.

    Chuck – I’m just glad they didn’t make Crystal Blue Vanilla Diet Coke Zero with Splenda. Oh wait, that actually sounds like it might be good.

    Jessica – Yeah, those Ginsu knives were sharp. You know what Ginsu in Japanese means? It apparently mean, “Not Japanese.”

  10. Bottom Feeder – Can’t do that, because if I do it once, I’ll do it again. Zarah zellz zeazhellz by the zeazhore. See, look what happened.

    HIM – I know, dawg, but in high school that’s how I wrote it. That’s how wack I was.

    Amy in GA – I bought it at Wal-Mart’s just as cheap, but uglier cousin they hide in the basement, KMart.

    Goldberry – Of course, the effects of caffeine would have less of an effect on Robin Williams or Martin Short, but would make a heck of a difference with certain quasi-product review blog editors.

    Lord Jezo – Sure you get stuff faster because I have to wait for it to arrive on a frickin’ boat, but once I create a teleportation transporter that can dematerialize objects and transport them to a destination at the speed of light, I’m gonna make you eat your words. 😉

    kt – Dashboard Confessional…Pfff…Oh wait, I listen to Dashboard Confessional whenever I feel lonely.

    automaton88 – It would also look good in a My Chemical Romance video.

    Ken – I think Mountain Dew Red Code was supposed to help with your rhyming skills. Oh, I’m sorry, Mountain Dew Red Code helps you with your streetball skills.

  11. If it was really Coke Zero, you’d be buying an empty bottle. Because there’d be zero Coke. I think I need some sleep.

  12. yeah, you’re right marvo, ESPECIALLY the audience wouldn’t be the winners… but, one of use would eventually start crying, and maybe curl up in the fetal position, and the first to do that, would be the ‘loser’ (note the quotes)…

  13. damn, why am I always the last to the table… anyhow I need to second (or third, or fourth) the Vanilla Cherry Dr. Pepper. I just bought a fridge pack of it today for 2 bucks. But it wasn’t diet, it was regular.

    Marvo I think you need a break from reviewing, you are starting to talk to your review products too much… by the way I think you should make your own soda company. Like Jones soda, just call it Marvo’s and you should put a different wack rhyme on each flavor.

  14. wired – If it really was Coke Zero, it would be free. I think I ripped off that idea from a commercial. Eh, your reasoning was better.

    Mellie Helen – I’ve been reading that Coke Zero is actually darker than regular Coke, but I don’t like label a soda. Soda is soda. Why can’t we all get along?

    Rhoda – Thanks!

    Stephanie – It’s wannabe Goth soda.

    Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia – I would totally be the loser, because I cry at the littlest things, like seeing road kill.

    Bryan – You may think I talk to my review products too much, but I stroke them inappropriately even more.

  15. I was thinking about My Chemical Romance in connection to this product too! “I’m not okay….unless I’m drinking my Coke Zero”?

  16. Won’t be trying this, since I gave up sodas almost 3 weeks ago. (for good) But thanks for the Madonna laugh! Or should I say, Esther?

  17. I can’t believe there is such dislike for this drink! I’ve now had it – both in cans and in the 20 ounce bottle, and am pretty happy with it. I’m a diet coke addict – and I also drink diet sprite zero and diet dr. pepper with regularity. This tastes much more like C2 than diet coke to me – much sweeter than diet coke. I won’t drink it everyday because it feels like a aspartame overload, but it is nice to pair with something salty for sure. It has a bit of an aftertaste (especially as you get down to the bottom of the can when it starts to get warm), but no more so than other diet sodas out there.

  18. Man lots of hate here!!

    A brief Coke History lesson: (esp. for you Chuck)

    1. Coke was mad at Pepsi sales increase and wanted a new formula.
    2. After Testing several formulas, they found that the “people” were in love w/ Diet Coke w/ the Corn Syrup. (I would say Sugar, but that would be wrong)
    3. After people rejected New Coke (aka, Diet Coke w/ Corn Syrup), they returned to the “Classic”
    4. 20 years later: More and more people are buying diet drinks, but there is a large segment (myself included) that HATE Diet Coke.
    5. Solution: Make a Zero Calorie cola that is based on….. Coke “Classic”
    6. Now by not getting rid of the old Diet Coke, which does have its fanbase, it gets a larger market share of the Diet Soda drinking population and doesn’t fall back on its past mistakes.

    Hooray for business!!

    More info:

  19. Goth! HAHAHAHAHA!! That is hilarious. I’m sure Coke Zero is in his bedroom cutting his arms and crying to a Nightwish album, and cursing Evanescence for being so damn good! Sellouts!!

  20. you crack me up! it DOES look goth! hey, it’s gotta be better than Pepsi Clear; right? I actually really like Diet Coke, so maybe I’d like it? I’ll have to try it I guess.

  21. 7Towers – Thanks for the history lesson, but I still think that Coke Zero sucks.

  22. rfduck – If Marilyn Manson stood next to a gigantic Coke Zero, I don’t think I could tell the difference. Unless Marilyn Manson was wearing his man boobs.

    nat – Oh, how can you quit the sweet, carbonated, caffeinated nectar that flows through my body, providing me with sustenance needed to survive the daily grind of surfing the internet. Oh…maybe I need to quit too.

    LNH – If there was actual coke (as in cocaine), I think there would be less dislike for it. Actually, I think it would be so popular that people would break into stores for it. 😉

    7Towers – Thanks for dropping the knowledge. 🙂

    Robert – Probably hates Green Day because he thinks they are sellouts.

    Webmiztris – Actually, Crystal Pepsi wasn’t that bad. Was it? Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve tried it. Maybe I should buy some on eBay.

  23. For those not sure to try Coke Zero follow this guideline
    If you consume and enjoy diet soda. Then go ahead and give it a try.
    If diet sodas disgust you. Then stay away from this product.
    I fit into the second category and find that Coke Zero taste similar to C2 but with a weak diet taste.

    The worst thing you can do immediately after drinking a soda is to brush your teeth. The enamel gets softened from the soda and then the toothbrush tears at it like a rugburn tearing at your skin.
    The sodas listed here in order starting with worst for the teeth clear or near clear (Sprite, Mountain Dew), Cola, Root Beer.

    However, Marvo if you mess up your teeth too much you can always get them capped Bling! Bling! For your career as a rapper. Better yet take care of the teeth you have.


    1 – Coke Zero tastes like COKE. ~Real~, ~honest-to-God-30-freakin’-years-ago REAL Coke! Diet Coke doesn’t, never claimed to!

    2 – Amazingly enough, Pepsi One ALSO tastes like COKE. ~Real~, ~honest-to-God-30-freakin’-years-ago REAL Coke! But then again, they can’t just come out and SAY that in their advertising, now can they???

    Is it all starting to sink in yet?

    Pepsi ONE…Coke…hmmmmmm…what can we call the new no-calorie Coke that will get the Pepsi ~ONE~ drinkers a clue???? I GOT IT – we’ll call it Just-like-Pepsi-One-but-made-by-Coke! Whassat? Not enough room on the bottle?? OK, What’s better than one? Two? Nah, too ambiguous, how about…Coke Zero!!!

  25. Tom77 – Unfortunately, I didn’t exist thirty years ago, so I have no idea what Coke tasted like back then. All I know about Coke back then was that it might have contained actual cocaine.

  26. Cracked me up… great review… I stumbled on this site while trying to figure out what was the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero, I will definitely have to check back often for other reviews… As for Coke Zero, I bought a bottle of it today. I am a Diet Coke hater and I don’t think Coke Zero is much better. Stick with the Classic Coke. Life is short, enjoy every minute of it, even if it means actually consuming extra calories.

  27. Heather – I wish Lindsay Lohan would consume extra calories, because she’s looking kind of scary. I think she needs a few Cokes.

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