Dr. Pepper: How are you today, Marvo? Are you feeling okay? Because it looks like you’re getting a little chubby.
Marvo: Well…
Dr. Pepper: It looks like you’re beginning to form some man-boobies there. Let me touch them.
(Dr. Pepper touches Marvo’s man-breasts)
Dr. Pepper: Yes, you’re definitely forming some man-titties. Pretty soon you’ll need a training bra, unless you lose some weight.
Marvo: Is “man-titties” the clinical term? Anyway, I’m working on it, Dr. Pepper. But the reason why I’m here is because I need your help.
Dr. Pepper: Well, I’m a doctor, help is what I do. Let me guess. Erectile dysfunction?
Marvo: No.
Dr. Pepper: Irregular bowel movements?
Marvo: No.
Dr. Pepper: Sexually transmitted disease?
Marvo: No.
Dr. Pepper: Hairy palms?
Marvo: No, Dr. Pepper, I need help…
Dr. Pepper: Pull down your pants, Marvo.
Marvo: I don’t think that’s necessary, Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper: Hey, I’m the doctor here. Do you have the prefix “Dr.” in front of your name?
Marvo: No.
(Marvo pulls down his pants)
Dr. Pepper: Oh, I see what the problem is. Excessive shrinkage. No wait, it’s just really cold in here. Okay, now cough.
(Marvo coughs)
Marvo: I still think this is unnecessary.
Dr. Pepper: This is all necessary. Being unhealthy is a serious issue. Fondling your man-boobies and staring at your schlong are things all doctors do. Cough again.
(Marvo coughs again)
Marvo: Wait, is “schlong” also a clinical term? Anyway, my visit isn’t really about me, it’s about other diet sodas.
Dr. Pepper: Other diet sodas? What do you mean?
Marvo: Can I put my pants up first?
Dr. Pepper: Not yet, I have to check the other side. But explain to me your concerns about the other diet sodas.
(Marvo sighs)
Marvo: Well you know how you have Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and the new Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream? How come all three of them taste pretty good, while almost every other diet soda tastes like ass?
Dr. Pepper: Hmm, that a good question. Speaking of ass, could you please turn around and bend over? Anyway, I don’t know why other diet sodas taste so bad. I use the same artificial sweeteners as most of them. Okay, now you may feel a little discomfort with your bunghole.
Marvo: Is “bunghole” a medical term? OOOOH!
Dr. Pepper: I don’t really SCREW with artificial sweeteners.
Marvo: OOOOH!
Dr. Pepper: I like aspartame, but I know other diet sodas have tried to RAM Splenda down peoples’ throats.
Marvo: OOOH!
Dr. Pepper: Everything looks good back here. You can put your pants back up.
(Marvo pulls up pants)
Marvo: You know what else is good? Your Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. I’m surprised that I liked it because I’m not a big fan of raspberries. I just don’t like fruits with silent letters.
Dr. Pepper: What did you like about it?
Marvo: Well there’s a nice balance between the Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. Plus, there isn’t a bad aftertaste like most other diet sodas. Although I think it’s not as good as your Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper or original Diet Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper: Is there anything you didn’t like about it?
Marvo: Besides the fact that I can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Nothing else, really.
Dr. Pepper: Well is there anything else you’d like to discuss?
Marvo: Um. I know you’re not a real doctor, much like the doctors on ER, Scrubs, Chicago Hope, Dr. Demento, and Dr. Dre, both the former N.W.A. member and the former host of YO! MTV Raps, but I was wondering if you could tell people that even though diet sodas have zero calories and no fat, drinking two liters of it every day will not help make them skinnier, nor will it help with any diet.
Dr. Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.
Marvo: Thanks, Doc.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Derrick and Uncle C for suggesting Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Also, next time you’re in the shower, remember to check your nuts for lumps.)
Item: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream
Price: $4.00 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good diet soda. Nice balance of Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. No bad aftertaste. No calories. No fat. YO! MTV Raps.
Cons: Not as good as Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and original Diet Dr. Pepper. Can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Fruits with silent letters. Getting molested by Dr. Pepper.