MARVO: Today, I’m here with Mother Nature to discuss the Grapple, which is an apple that tastes like a grape. So Mother Nature, what do you think of this Grapple?
MOTHER NATURE: First off, are you pronouncing it right? Shouldn’t it be “gr-apple,” like I grappled you to the ground and beat your little punk ass.
MARVO: Well on the packaging, it’s printed as “gra-pple,” like you’re saying the words “gray” and “pull.”
MOTHER NATURE: Whatever, little man. Let me just say that I don’t believe in these man-made hybrid fruits. It’s kind of fucked up if you ask me, because it’s not the way mother fuckin’ Mother Nature intended it. So how do they make these mother fuckin’ Grapples?
MARVO: Well they take a Fuji apple and soak it in a Concord grape concentrate. The process doesn’t add any extra calories or sugars to the apple and it doesn’t alter the texture of it either. With the Grapples I’ve tried, they have a strong Welch’s grape juice kind of smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t have a grape taste that is as equally as strong. Despite that, they are pretty good. Pretty impressive, eh?
MOTHER NATURE: Should I be impressed with the fact that someone created a mother fuckin’ apple that tastes like a mother fuckin’ grape? Come on, I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature, bitch. I don’t need to soak an apple in grape concentrate to make a Grapple, all I have to do is just snap my fingers to make one. Want a Grapple?
MARVO: Um, sure. So snapping your fingers is all you need to do?
MOTHER NATURE: Damn straight, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. Ya heard.
(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a Grapple appears)
MOTHER NATURE: Booyah! There’s a mother fuckin’ Grapple for yo’ ass! Did I just blow your mind, like I’m mother fuckin’ Mindfreak, yo! You humans are crazy, using genetic engineering and cross-pollination to form new “species,” but all I have to do is just snap my fingers, like I’m in a doo-wop group. Because why?
MARVO: Um, because you’re mother fuckin’ Mother Nature?
MOTHER NATURE: That’s right, little man. You want a strawloupe?
MARVO: What’s a strawloupe and what’s doo-wop?
(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a strawloupe appears)
MOTHER NATURE: A strawloupe! A strawberry that tastes like a cantaloupe, bitch. Try it or else I’ll make lightning strike yo’ ass.
(Marvo tries the strawloupe)
MARVO: Hey! This is pretty good, Mother Nature.
MOTHER NATURE: Damn right it’s good, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. You better recognize. It’s the way that Mother Nature intended it, bitch. How about a pearch? It’s a peach that tastes like a pear. Or a mangorange? It’s a orange that tastes like a mango. Or how about a banagerine? It’s a tangerine that tastes like a banana. I can do this all mother fuckin’ day, yo!
MARVO: Um, this is all fine and dandy, but can I get a few more Grapples, because they’re kind of expensive at five bucks for a four-pack.
MOTHER NATURE: Five bucks for four? Damn, that’s expensive. Thank goodness I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature and I can make Grapples with a snap of my fingers, because I couldn’t afford this shit on a regular basis. My name ain’t Bill Gates.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Derrick for letting me know about Grapples. Now I must find his other suggestion, the Turducken.)
Item: Grapple
Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. It’s a frickin’ apple that tastes like a grape. Totally smells like Welch’s grape juice. NOT genetically engineered. Mother Nature’s power to make new fruits and to strike my ass with lightning.
Cons: Grape taste is not as strong as its grape smell. Kind of expensive for just four apples. Mother Nature’s dropping of excessive F-bombs. Pissing off Mother Nature. Trying to pronounce Grapple. Mother Nature’s reference to doo-wop. Mother Nature is a bitch.