Every few months or so, some poor “high-end” food product makes the jump from pretentious to a diluted all-audience nature. It gets filtered through a wood chipper and then a toilet so in the end it no longer resembles the actual item. All this for the sake of mass consumption. Therefore, not only does it lose its pompous aura (which is fine by me), but its unique characteristics as well (which is not okay at all).
Remember Wendy’s bragging about its fries being sprinkled with sea salt? Give me a break if you’re expecting it to be the actual harvested finishing salts chefs preen about.
Kobe beef, with its already dubious nature in what can actually be called Kobe, is another victim. Kobe hot dogs? Kobe hamburgers? My eyes rolled so much that you would swear I had two lazy eyes or was the inspiration for the guy that graces each Mad Libs cover.
Another example is Kobe beef’s less-complicated, but just as maligned, American cousin, the Angus. This poor bastard is being passed around faster than a cotton towel at an orgy. I’m guessing the “certification” for Angus beef is low enough that even Stephen Hawking can jump over it. Okay, that’s a tasteless cheap shot that’s just as tasteless as the Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted.
I commend Dunkin’ Donuts for attempting to separate itself from the pack by using Texas Toast for its sandwiches. The thick bread borders on overindulgence, but is perfect for capturing runny eggs and butter. Some people prefer wheat or pumpernickel, I lust after Texas Toast.
I mean c’mon!!! It’s Texas Toast, steak, eggs and cheese. You know what’s better than sliced bread? Sliced bread with beef, cheese and egg in between it. So what can go wrong? Apparently, if you make a living primarily selling donuts, then a hell of a lot.
Look, I’m a big fan of their Texas Toast Grilled Cheese. Its buttery and flaky toast and melted cheese makes me act like those monkeys in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
But stupid me because I was expecting the same from this new sandwich. I opened it immediately to look at this “Angus” steak and it had the natural color of a cadaver stuffed under a house because he didn’t pay his bets on time. It was charmingly grayish and resembled an unsauced Salisbury meatloaf concoction served at all the finest detention centers.
The steak also had an overwhelming artificial smokey taste. The texture itself was flaccid and rubbery, two things I don’t want my meat to feel like. The worst part? The beef was chewy. Not Mentos candy-chewy, but chewy like the bits resting on the bottom of a beef jerky pouch.
The toast had the dampness of a basement, but it was sufficiently buttered. The two eggs only helped in taking your hopes, smashing them, and then pissing on the remains. The eggs were laughably fake looking, like a Fisher Price plastic fried egg toy. Another thing, it had an unnatural powdery texture and lacked any of the richness an egg normally has. It was also mealy and it disintegrated in my mouth into a sandy mush.
Most things can be saved by melted cheese since it provides an extra boost of flavor and texture, which was sorely missing in this sandwich. Unfortunately, there was so little cheese, all I could taste was fake smoke and a bland egg that broke apart into grainy beads in my mouth. It was like a bad French kiss between bread.
I’ve eaten the McDonald’s Angus burgers, so I know fast food “Angus” can be achieved with some success. But it’s as if Dunkin’ Donuts is the fat kid in gym class looking at the rope their meathead teacher is telling them to climb.
Finally, what really kicked me in the balls was the price — $4.29. I haven’t felt this ripped off since I was conned into buying Viagra from Mexico.
(Nutrition Facts – 620 calories, 34 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 180 milligrams of cholesterol, 1290 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein)
Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.29
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Texas Toast. Having the option to buy a donut instead. 2001: A Space Odyssey. Sufficiently buttered toast. Soft drinks from Mexico.
Cons: Texas Toast. Artificial smoke flavor. Rubbery grey beef. 2010: The Year We Make Contact. The powdery egg that looks fake. Small amount of cheese. Pharmaceuticals from Mexico.
9 thoughts to “REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich”
Well done, Jeff. One of your better reviews.
I laughed out loud…
This is wrong on so MANY levels! Thank you for another wonderfully twisted and delightful review, Jeff!
Hilarious review. Bravo to you, good sir.
I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. That meat doesn’t look like the Tuesday’s Meatloaf/Thursday’s Salisbury Steak from the finest detention center – the finest detention centers add coloring to make it appear brown. You are clearly looking at the food from one of those cut rate detention centers – the ACLU needs to look into that stat!
I decided to give Target’s Market Pantry Chocolate Truffle Muffin Caps a try. I am a fan of the Vitamuffin version and thought I would save some money if these were decent. All they had to be was decent. I will addmit that I have had a few batches of Vitamuffins that were on the drier side, but they were still edible. The Muffin Caps were the culmination of inedibility. They were hard dry little hub caps of nastiness. I only swallowed (barely) one bite before pitching the rest. They had a very strange taste that I can’t really identify, it wasn’t chocolate, it was wrong. I was worried after I read the ingredient list in the store because bananas were the second ingredient, and bananas are not even in Vitamuffins. I don’t really like the chocolate banana combination, but this foul taste wasn’t even reminicent of banana. In summary, hard, dry, gross, do not waste your money!
So the Viagra from Mexico, was it fake, overpriced, or did you just not enjoy your experience?
OMG, I’m never going to buy this sandwich (never intended to) and I’m sorry that you wasted your money… Well I’m actually not sorry. Had you not gone through that trauma you wouldn’t have written this incredibly funny review. I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud (or even quietly). I’m sure my coworkers knew that I wasn’t working no matter how quietly I tried to laugh. I was bustin a gut! There is no way to laugh quietly to this. Tooo funny.
I love this Sammich im a fat
Im so fat i luv this samwich after i swim with my fat lol
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