The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Doritos Blaze

Blaze. Inferno. Flame. Burn. Fire. Heat. Heatwave.

Already used.

Wildfire. Firestorm. Angry. Fury.

Hmm, possibilities.

Combustion. Conflagration.

Okay, scraping the bottom of the barrel, but I guess they would work.

What am I doing? I’m coming up with new spicy Doritos flavor names using my computer’s thesaurus. As you can see, we’re going to run out of names soon.

But that issue is for the future. Today is today and today we have a new spicy Doritos flavor — Blaze.

On the back of the bag, it says Doritos Blaze is like licking a volcano. After I read that, I wasted about an hour or so wrapping my head around what is quite possibly the dumbest thing ever printed on a Doritos bag. Are we talking active or dormant? If it’s dormant, it going to taste like the Earth. If it’s active and you’re trying to lick the lava that’s pouring out of it, I’m pretty sure your face will melt off, along with your tongue, before you can do so. Yes, this is what I spent an hour thinking about.

The next hour was spent wondering why I don’t like Doritos Blaze.

Its aroma reminds me of bell peppers. It also has a sweet and spicy smell that makes me think of Panda Express. Inhaling the air in the bag also gave me clues that these chips were going to burn.

I’ve had spicier chips, but these are packing some decent heat. The first chip isn’t so bad, but eating more will cause the heat to spike (Doritos Spike?). At a point my mouth begins to feel like I’m playing out a scene from a Game of Thrones fan fiction focusing on dragon erotica. There you go, the person who came up with the “It’s like licking a volcano” line, a line that’s dumber than yours.

After consuming a few chips I had to stop eating them, but not because the heat was getting to me, even though it was and I had to grab some water. Instead, I had to stop because I didn’t care for their taste. Along with the heat, there’s an underlying sweet, peppery flavor, but it doesn’t make me want to eat more. Although they’re Doritos, there isn’t a cheesiness to them. I wish there was because they might’ve been better tasting.

Doritos Blaze is one of the most disappointing varieties of the popular tortilla chip I’ve ever had. It’s definitely spicy, but it doesn’t have a flavor that makes me yearn for it. Maybe its new name should be Doritos Bummer.

(Nutrition Facts – about 12 chips – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 9.75 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Spicy. Cool name.
Cons: Sweet, peppery flavor doesn’t work for me. Doesn’t have a flavor that makes me want to eat a lot of it. Saying “It’s like licking a volcano.”