Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (White Out, Typhoon, Distortion)

Marvo 23 Comments

I now know what it’s like being The Bachelor, thanks to this year’s Mountain Dew DEWmocracy flavors.

However, instead of having a harem of fame-seeking women to choose from and give roses to if I deem them to be beautiful or least craziest, I had to select between three caffeine-fortified and Durex condom-colored flavors — White Out, Typhoon and Distortion. Just like The Bachelor, I got to suck face with all of the contestants and put myself at risk for catching a disease. While The Bachelor had to worry about mono and herpes, I had to worry about diabetes and obesity.

If I were giving out roses, like The Bachelor does, to those flavors I would like to see added to the regular Mountain Dew lineup, I would give the first one to the tropical punch flavored Mountain Dew Typhoon. While those who live in the western part of the Pacific Ocean probably don’t like its name, I thought its pineapple and citrus flavor was the best tasting and most unique of the three DEWmocracy flavors. Although, as much as I liked it, I wasn’t completely blown away by it.

I’d give another rose to Mountain Dew Distortion. It looks like regular Mountain Dew, but once it’s popped open, its true self will hit your taste buds. Distortion is a “lime blasted” Mountain Dew and not only are its looks familiar, but also its flavor. It reminded me of the Taco Bell exclusive Baja Blast Mountain Dew, which I do enjoy partaking with my Taco Bell meal that most likely contains seasoned ground beef, cheese, shredded lettuce, sour cream, and refried beans in a soft tortilla. Distortion’s lime flavor was a little bit stronger than the Baja Blast, placing it slightly into the territory of sodas that taste more like floor cleaners, but I did enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t give a rose to every flavor. So I chose not to give one to Mountain Dew White Out, which I will call, on occasion, in this paragraph, Virgin Smirnoff Ice, because it looks like Smirnoff Ice. According to the bottle, Virgin Smirnoff Ice’s flavor is described as a “smooth citrus Dew,” which I totally agree with because it tasted like a flat Sprite with tangerine/orange undertones. It’s not an exciting flavor. Mountain Dew White Out would’ve been a lot more interesting if I could get high while huffing it.

Overall, I don’t think Distortion and Virgin Smirnoff Ice were as creative as the 2008 DEWmocracy flavors. While each of the 2008 flavors combined citrus with other fruit flavors, the 2010 versions, except Typhoon, were just different shades of citrus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get checked for diabetes since I made out with all of the DEWmocracy contestants.

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 280 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 76 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (Distortion, Typhoon, White Out)
Price: $1.29 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Distortion)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Typhoon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (White Out)
Pros: Typhoon was the best tasting and most creative flavor. Distortion reminds me of Baja Blast Mountain Dew. 91 milligrams of caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. Participating in a democratic process.
Cons: Distortion tastes like floor cleaner. White Out tastes like a flat Sprite and doesn’t get one high if huffed. More ways to consume high fructose corn syrup. The crazy contestants on The Bachelor.

VIDEO REVIEW: Nair for Men Hair Remover Spray

Marvo 17 Comments


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Show Notes:

The Impulsive Buy podcast has gone in a different direction. No more news and week in review segments. It’s now just one review. I decided to do this because it makes the podcast easier to produce, since I am just one hairy man. Speaking of hairiness, this week, I review a product that makes my body as smooth as a pre-pubescent boy’s.

Also, I know. I forgot to deinterlace.

Length: 2:44

Photo Credits:

Other photos purchased via www.istockphoto.com.

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches

Marvo 9 Comments

The Klondike Bar is an American frozen treat icon that has been helping generations consume more than 50 percent of their daily recommended intake of saturated fat for almost a century. It’s the 800-pound gorilla of chocolate-covered ice cream treats, which got to 800 pounds thanks to Klondike Bars.

It’s hard for a company to equal a product that has helped many gain cellulite in unflattering areas and has caused a number of people to post videos on YouTube showing what they would do for a Klondike Bar, but Klondike is going to try with their new Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Each square-shaped sandwich is made up of peanut butter-flavored light ice cream with a peanut butter and chocolate flavored swirl and chocolate chips between two chocolate wafers. They’re smaller than regular Klondike Bars in both size and the amount of saturated fat. An original Klondike bar has 11 grams of saturated fat, while this sandwich has three grams. However, I’m sure if the Klondike Sandwich was coated in a thick chocolatey shell, it would have a lot more saturated fat and would probably be awesome.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches don’t have a thick chocolatey shell and without one they’re not very impressive, or in Klondike marketing speak, there isn’t anything I would do for a Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwich. Wait. Actually, if the apocalypse were upon us and I had to do whatever it takes to stay alive, I’d kill a man for one and then eat the man I just killed, followed by the ice cream sandwich for dessert.

The flavor of the peanut butter ice cream was non-existent, like Kate Gosselin’s abilities to dance and to not look like a pushy bitch. The only peanut butter I could taste were from the peanut butter and chocolate swirls, which didn’t have any chocolate flavor and were more like globs than swirls. The chocolate chips did provide a different texture, but not much flavor. Thank goodness for the chocolate wafers, which not only brought the chocolate, but also were quite durable and didn’t stick to my fingers like the wafers do with other ice cream sandwiches.

Overall, I expected something a little bit better from Klondike. Their Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches aren’t worth getting fat over.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Uses light ice cream. Less saturated fat than a regular Klondike Bar. Durable chocolate wafers. The Original Klondike Bar. Being the 800-pound gorilla.
Cons: Peanut butter ice cream had no flavor. Swirls were globs. Globs didn’t have any chocolate flavor. Not worth getting fat over. Kate Gosselin’s inability to dance and to not look like a pushy bitch.

REVIEW: Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts

Marvo 11 Comments

An exclamation point is used to show excitement, pain, anger and, depending on the amount used, the degree of your LOL. Of those options, I’m not sure what the exclamation point in the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts is trying to express. Maybe it’s the pain and/or anger of the grapes who are disappointed they were used in a filling for a toaster pastry instead of a fine Merlot wine from Napa Valley.

Or the unnecessary punctuation could be trying to show some excitement. Although, even though an exclamation point looks like an erection, there’s nothing really thrilling about grape Pop-Tarts. The only punctuations I feel best describe this latest Pop-Tarts flavor is a colon, following by a hyphen and then a vertical bar.

As you can see on the box, each Pop-Tart is baked with real fruit…oh, I’m sorry…Real Fruit! But this means absolutely nothing if you’re trying to consume your recommended daily servings of fruit since the filling is made up of only 10 percent fruit. Also, like all Pop-Tarts, each one is fortified with sad amounts of vitamins and minerals. These pitiful amounts are as satisfying as trying to masturbate to pictures of Amish women because only around 10 percent of their skin is showing.

If you’re expected the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts to be healthier than, let’s say Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts, because it contains a little fruit, you will be disappointed. But honestly, just by looking at it, it’s easy to see it’s not the most healthiest item you can have as part of a complete breakfast. Try to name me any product with purple frosting and a radioactive green-colored drizzle that is healthy.

I’ve tried a lot of different Pop-Tart flavors in my lifetime and I have to say the Wild! Grape flavor is probably near the bottom of my favorite Pop-Tart flavors list, although I did like it. The grape flavor is a familiar one that I’ve tasted with either a grape candy or juice and it’s not overly sweet like some of the dessert flavored Pop-Tarts. It’s decent tasting, but if I want a fruit flavored Pop-Tart I’d prefer the frosted strawberry or blueberry ones. But if I want to be masochistic, deprive myself of sugary goodness and avoid unnecessary punctuation marks, I’ll purchase unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% iron, 10% thiamin, 10% riboflavin, 10% niacin, 10% vitamin B6 and 8% folic acid.)

Item: Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent toasted, straight out of the box or frozen. No trans fat. Using an exclamation point to express excitement. Exclamation point is an erect phallic punctuation.
Cons: Not one of my favorite flavors. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Poor amounts of vitamins, minerals and fruit. Purple frosting and radioactive green drizzle is a little offputting. Trying to masturbate to pictures of heavily clothed Amish women. 😐

REVIEW: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb

Marvo 16 Comments

There was a time when I liked Baked Lay’s and thought it was one of the greatest snacks ever invented, but I no longer have the same feelings. Of course, I enjoyed it in the late 1990s to early 2000s, when I had poor judgement and taste.

How poor?

Let me just say I had Creed’s “Higher” playing in heavy rotation on my Aiwa XP-V320 compact disc player and I wore a lot of jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them.

But I’m glad I tried Baked Lay’s because it made me realize Creed was a shitty band and jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them were never cool.

My love for Baked Lay’s was fleeting, just like Justin Bieber’s girlish voice will be after he passes puberty. I enjoyed it because it was a healthier alternative to regular potato chips. But the more I ate it, the more I realized it was a poor tasting substitute with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. When I finally came to this conclusion, it opened my eyes and made me realize I had no sense of fashion and that Scott Stapp was no Eddie Vedder.

Creed songs were like Baked Lay’s and visa versa. Both of them brought me no pleasure. As uplifting as their lyrics seemed, Creed songs have never made me feel good or made me want to play air guitar. And as healthy as they were, eating Baked Lay’s has never comforted me in a way that a bag of greasy potato chips does or made me want to get every last crumb of it by resting one of the bag’s open corners on my bottom lip and flicking the bag to let gravity bring whatever crumbs remain to my awaiting mouth.

Even when Lay’s introduced their cheddar and sour cream & onion varieties, I thought they were the Baked Lay’s version of Creed’s blander album Weathered. However, while Creed has gotten worse, Baked Lay’s has gotten better thanks to their latest flavor — Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb.

Unlike the cheddar and sour cream & onions versions, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb has a robust flavor that does a good job of hiding the fact that you’re eating a snack with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. The potato crisps (not chips, crisps) have a strong parmesan scent, which made me feel like I was snorting some lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah. However, while eating the crisps, the parmesan was less noticeable and the Tuscan herbs took over the flavor. I’m not sure what “Tuscan herbs” are, but in the ingredients list there’s basil, parsley, rosemary and dehydrated green and red bell peppers. The crisps’ flavor also has a hint of sour cream and a slight spicy kick.

Overall, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb was very tasty and slightly changed my opinion of Baked Lay’s. While its flavor does bring me some pleasure, it hasn’t changed my opinion that original Baked Lay’s sucks.

It sucks Creed hard.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% vitamin E and 2% iron.)

Item: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 8.75 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Robust flavor. Has a slight kick. Better for you than regular potato chips. Pearl Jam. Snorting lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah
Cons: Texture like a dehydrated sponge. Creed. Not as comforting as regular potato chips. Creed. Jeans shorts with strategically placed tears. Creed. What I liked in the late 1990s to early 2000s. Creed. Original Baked Lay’s.