Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables

Marvo 13 Comments

“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

REVIEW: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters

Marvo 16 Comments

Are you a really lazy hippie?

If your tie-dye shirt is dyed with only one color, half your hair is straight and the other half is dreadlocks and your bong is made out of a vase stolen from a cemetery, you may be a really lazy hippie.

If you’re not willing to put out free love, you only put up your pointer finger when attempting to show the peace sign and you call your fellow hippies by their real names instead of their hippie names, you might be a really lazy hippie.

If you rather play Grateful Dead songs on your iPod instead of your guitar, wear a Birkenstock sandal on one foot and go barefoot with the other and smell worse than other hippies, you could a really lazy hippie.

If you are a really lazy hippie, I have the perfect snack for your lazy granola loving tummy. It’s the Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters. Why is it perfect for lazy hippies? Because the clusters are bite-sized and they come in a resealable bag, which means there’s no need to open up a granola bar’s wrapper and take a bite out of it.

It’s much easier than making your own granola clusters, which involves taking a box of granola bars, putting it on a hard flat surface and then hitting it with a hammer a few times. Although, now that I think about it, it would probably be much easier for a lazy hippie to get granola clusters by asking another hippie for them, since the hippie code is all about sharing and shit.

The Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters are made up from cashews, pecans, peanuts, granola and a touch of honey to make everything stick together. Inside the bag it looks like a bunch of unwrapped broken up granola bars. It’s like someone just stuck the bars in there, sealed it and then placed it in the middle of a hippie jam circle to form the bite-sized clusters by getting the bag stepped on by a dancing tambourine player named Rainbow.

As for the flavor of the granola clusters, I thought it was good. There was a nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. If you like honey roasted peanuts, you’ll like these, although they’re not as sweet. I couldn’t taste the pecans, instead I mostly noticed the cashews and peanuts. Each cluster had a lot of nuts, but they weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be.

By weight, the amount in the bag (141 grams) is equivalent to about four of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars (35 grams each). The price of the Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters is roughly the same price for a box of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars, which contains six of them. So it seems we’re paying quite a bit for the convenience of having our granola and nuts clustered.

I guess a better value, if I wanted granola nut clusters, would be to buy a box of Nature Valley granola bars, place it in the middle of a hippie jam circle and let Rainbow at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (about 7 clusters) – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters
Price: $5.89
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. Bite-sized clusters. Reminds me of honey roasted peanuts. Comes in a resealable bag. Perfect for really lazy hippies. Lots of nuts. The hippie code of sharing.
Cons: Couldn’t taste the pecans. Nuts weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be. Smelly hippies. Not a good value when compared with a box of regular granola bars. Really lazy hippies.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Pepsi Natural Au Natural Winner Announced!!!

Marvo

The lucky winner of the Pepsi Natural Au Natural Prize Pack is:

Comment #118 Olivia

The natural thing she did recently was, “I made some yummy tea with leaves while camping, mint leaves and water is great.”

Thanks to the folks at Pepsi for providing this prize pack. Also, thanks to everyone who entered this prize drawing. Please keep an eye out for another prize drawing really soon.

REVIEW: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich

Marvo 21 Comments

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich think they’re angry, but they’re not. I’ll show you angry, muthabitches!

Woke up at 4 am ’cause someone was dragging a bag of cans on the street.
Pissed me off because they interrupted me in the middle of REM sleep.
Got to my feet, looked outside and saw a bum digging through the trash.
Told him to be quiet or else that can in his hand would be his last.
He slurred something I didn’t understand, I think he had too much wine.
Said to him I’m going to pop a cap in his ass with my muthafuckin’ nine.
Pulled out my gat and flashed it at the defenseless homeless man.
Then he mumbled some gibberish to me I couldn’t quite understand.
I said, “Don’t make me come down there and mess you up, you bum.”
“I dare you” is what I think he slurred with his alcoholic tongue.
But my gat was a water gun I got for 100 skee ball tickets at the arcade.
So I told him, “Oh, you’re lucky I don’t have bullets. Now go away.”
Then someone yells “Shut up you two or else I’m going to call the cops.”
Then I quickly hide behind my curtains and the argument stops.

You see that? I was so angry that I might’ve killed a man. If I had a real gun, some bullets, and I wasn’t scared of firearms due to a pellet gun accident at Boy Scout camp, I would’ve dropped that hobo dead. What kind of anger do those two chicken sandwiches wield? All they have are Pepper Jack cheese, jalapenos, angry onions and angry sauce.

Ooooh, that’s angry. I’m scared of them. I better lock my doors. I better have 911 on speed dial incase they get angrier. I should go find Betty Ross so that she can calm them down when they turn into the Incredible Hulk. Pfff…Their ingredients aren’t angry. Let me show you angry.

Waiting in line to pay for my banana Slurpee.
Watching the old lady pull out her coin purse in front of me.
Oh, she better not be paying with pennies, nickels and dimes,
or else I’m going to end her life before her time.
Driving Miss Daisy spills the contents of her purse on the counter,
I was going spill my Slurpee on her head and then pound her.
Counting off each coin one by one by one by one,
She owed $5.23 for a sandwich and a bag of Funyuns.
The cashier tried to speed things up by collecting her amount,
but the old hag didn’t want anyone to help her count.
I lose my mind and yell at her, “Could you go any slower?”
I cause her to miscount and now she has to start all over.
Now everyone in the back of the line is yelling at me.
“How could you be so mean to the elderly?”
Some guy grabs my Slurpee and pours it over my head.
I ran out of the store and cried like a baby as I fled.

Yeah, that’s right. I was so angry that I would’ve beat up an old lady. And if it weren’t for that guy who was smart enough to cool my hot head down with a Slurpee, who knows what I might’ve done to that grandma who says “hi” to me every time I pass her on the sidewalk.

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich are like their weak ass cousin, the Angry Whopper — all talk, no burn. The only thing that saves their asses from being total wussies is the fact the both of them are kind of tasty, although I thought the Angry Tendercrisp was a little better. The angry sauce gives both of them a nice barbeque flavor with a little kick, but not enough to be considered “angry.” The jalapenos also provide a little more heat than the sauce and the “angry onions” don’t add anything, except a little crunch. The bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce and the lettuce and tomatoes help to cool each sandwich’s “anger” even more. But, again, both sandwiches are tasty.

I guess in order for me to consider them angry, the Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich would have to either kill a hobo for making too much noise or bitch slap an elderly person for paying in pennies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Angry Tendercrisp – 1030 calories, 61 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 2670 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar and 40 grams of protein. Angry Original Chicken Sandwich – 870 calories, 55 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 2430 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

(We Rate Stuff reviewed the Angry Original Chicken Sandwich and the Angry Tendercrisp.)

Item: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Price: $5.49 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Pros: Tasty sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Angry sauce has a nice barbeque flavor. Chicken coating was crispy. Angry onion provide crunch. Lettuce and tomatoes provide vegetables. My skee ball skills.
Cons: Not angry. Extremely high in sodium. Contains trans fat. Bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce. Elderly abuse. Killing hobos. Paying for purchases with pennies. My rhyming ability.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme

Marvo 15 Comments

What is black, white and red all over?

An Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme on top of an apple.

HA! HA! HA!

I know. Right about now you want to punch me in the face for that horrible riddle. I’ll admit, it wasn’t at all impressive and, just to let you know, I punched myself in the face for it. But I came up with that poorly conceived riddle to see if I could create something as unimaginative as the Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme cookies.

It seems Nabisco is taking a page out of the Pop-Tarts Playbook by offering flavors that are straight off of an ice cream parlor’s menu. It’s like they looked under Pop-Tarts’ skirt to find out what panties she was wearing, discovered it was a Victoria’s Secret PINK thong, picked one up for herself and pretended to be Pop-Tarts in front of a mirror. It’s sort of like the movie Single White Female, except no one gets stabbed with a shoe or screwdriver and that guy from the TV show Wings isn’t around.

Could Nabisco try to impress me? All the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme consists of is a filling that’s half regular white Oreo filling and half fudge flavored filling in between two regular chocolate cookies. It seems they put as much effort into it as I did with the riddle at the beginning of this review. It’s like all they did was forge together a normal Oreo with a Chocolate Creme one. They’re gonna have to do more than that. They gotta tickle my balls, and not just with their fingers, but lightly with their fingernails. Or if they have either handy, a feather or a starchy tube sock.

I’ll admit, I did enjoy the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme, but that’s not saying much because as I’ve said before, I would get busy with any Oreo flavor in a Burger King bathroom. It has a decent chocolateyness to it that wasn’t too powerful thanks to the white Oreo filling, but I think it tastes too similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme.

There were also inconsistencies with the ratio of fudge filling to normal white filling. Some Oreos had a lot of fudge filling, while others had little. There was also shiny, oily film over the filling, which I’m going to call Oreo Sweat — feel free to add it to Urban Dictionary. While the Oreo Sweat makes it easier to twist off the top cookie, if you’re into licking the filling, you dirty girl, it’s not really pleasant to think that this cookie can get wet.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 8% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I enjoyed it. I’d get busy with it in a Burger King bathroom. Decent chocolateyness. Pretty much any Oreo flavor is a good flavor. Thongs. Tickled balls.
Cons: Taste similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme. Unimpressive flavor idea. Shiny, oily film over filling. Inconsistencies with filling ratio. Contains high fructose corn syrup. My riddle abilities.