Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe

Marvo 20 Comments

The Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe is kind of humdrum.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s frickin’ tasty and if I felt like I could survive another onslaught of 1,880 milligrams of sodium, I would consume another, but it doesn’t stand out or get me excited. Just like my inability to differentiate between all of the CSI and Law & Orders, I could easily get this burger confused with another.

The reason why is because it’s a classic burger with normal ingredients. It’s made up of two beef patties, a slice of American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, a pickle, mayo, ketchup, and four strips of Applewood smoked bacon on a Kaiser bun.

As you can see, there aren’t any frills. No “secret sauce.” No flame-broiled beef patties. No beef from a magical cow. No F-list celebrity in a bikini eating it in a commercial. No fancy foreign bread with a hard-to-pronounce name.

Speaking of names, the name Double Bacon Deluxe is also unimaginative, forgettable and could easily be on the menu at some mediocre diner whose patrons consist of seedy characters. Couldn’t they have called it the Baconator 2?

But I guess its simplicity is what makes it good, since a “secret sauce” could easily fuck things up; the flame-broiling technique is probably patented; special beef would make it pricier; a commercial with an F-list celebrity would make Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, who starred in many Wendy’s commercials, roll over in his grave; and fancy breads would make it seem douchey.

The Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe had a nice heft to it, thanks to the two square-ish beef patties. You can make it heftier by getting the triple version or lighter with the single version. What you decide depends on how hungry you are or how much you hate your body.

The bacon is supposed to be a “thick cut” of Applewood smoked bacon, and they were thicker than the others I’ve had on fast food burgers, but not by much. However, the bacon wasn’t chewy and it’s flavor was lot more noticeable than the others I’ve had. The beef patties were good and not as dry as some of the patties from the competition. The vegetables were crisp, the bun was soft and there were just the right amounts of mayo and ketchup to add some additional flavor, but not enough to overpower the beef and bacon, like they were condiment dominatrixes.

Overall, the Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe is a quality burger. It’s delish, but I don’t even think that’s enough to help me remember it in the future.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 860 calories, 50 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of cholesterol, 1880 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 40% iron.)

(NOTE: Grub Grade gave the Bacon Deluxe a taste too.)

Item: Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe
Price: $7.59 (combo)
Size: 1 burger
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Nice heft. Four strips of bacon. Crispy veggies. Soft bun. Just the right amounts of ketchup and mayo. Comes in also single and triple sizes.
Cons: No frills. Kinda pricey. Almost 2,000 milligrams of sodium. Almost 1,000 calories. Has a name that’s easy to forget. Douchy fancy breads. The number of Law & Order and CSI spinoffs.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Black Jack Taco

Marvo 21 Comments

As you can see, the most intriguing ingredient of the Taco Bell Black Jack Taco is its black shell, which looks like its been either out in the sun for too long, touched by the Grim Reaper or farted on by someone who just ate food from Taco Bell.

The black taco shell is the ONLY thing interesting about the Black Jack Taco and I think it’s the ONLY reason why people are buying it. It’s just like Playboy Magazine; guys only buy it for the pictures of nude women inside. The articles are only there so that they have something to read during their refractory periods.

While it may look interesting, the black taco shell is like Lady Gaga when she picks something to wear, it doesn’t have much taste. It tastes like Taco Bell’s normal yellow taco shell, which I guess I should be glad about, since my imagination believes if the black taco shell were to have a flavor it would be gangrene.

The filling has the same seasoned ground beef, shredded lettuce, and shredded cheese you will find in 75 percent of the items on Taco Bell’s menu, so it’s not worth writing about beyond the almost 40 words in this sentence.

The Black Jack Taco also comes with a white pepper jack cheese sauce. The white sauce combined with the black shell give the taco a color contrast usually found with piano keys, TV’s made before the 1960s and Spy vs. Spy comics. While not as interesting as the black taco shell, the slightly spicy pepper jack cheese sauce does give this menu item some flavor and spice, although it’s not as tasty as Taco Bell’s nacho cheese and Volcano sauces.

With all the ingredients combined, it creates a taco with a taste that doesn’t really impress me. The pepper jack sauce isn’t bold enough to me and the shell is only for show. But it’s what I expected from Taco Bell — taking whatever ingredients they have, pouring them into fine China, sticking them in a China shop, releasing a bunch of bulls in the shop and whatever ingredients weren’t trampled on gets chosen for the next menu item.

The Black Jack Taco is only around for limited time, but it’s not something I’ll miss when the Fast Food Grim Reaper takes it away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Black Jack Taco -210 calories, 17 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Grub Grade said it was decent. Junk Food Betty liked it a lot. Review Spew gave it a 2-star rating…barely. Fast Food Reviewed said it was okay. Would I Buy It Again wouldn’t buy it again.)

Item: Taco Bell Black Jack Taco
Price: $1.09 (almost everywhere else it’s 89 cents)
Size: 1 taco
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Black taco shell looks interesting. Something different to order. Pepper jack sauce had a little spice to it. Playboy Magazine.
Cons: Black taco shell is just for show. Pepper jack sauce wasn’t bold enough for me. Not something I would miss when it’s gone. Lady Gaga’s wardrobe choices. Black taco shell looks like its been touched by the Grim Reaper.

REVIEW: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream

Marvo 12 Comments

Surprisingly, in real life, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream looks very similar to the picture on the box. This is a rare occurrence. For years, companies have always tried to make their products more appealing in photos than they are in real life, except some Ralph Lauren ads.

Each box of this product contains two paper bowls with a hefty splooge of brownie batter and two cups with chocolate chip and butter fudge topped ice cream cups. Preparing the dessert is so easy that a Jessica Simpson could do it, but the “Ready In 45 Seconds” claim on the box isn’t quite correct, unless you have the quick hands of a world champion masturbator, because the bowl of batter needs to be microwaved for 35-45 seconds, which doesn’t leave much time to push the ice cream out of its cup, with the butter fudge side down, and onto the warm brownie.

The ice cream and brownie by themselves aren’t at all special, but just like the Wonder Twins, the awesomeness doesn’t happen until they give each other a fist bump. Unfortunately, I’m the one who had to say, “Form of a tasty dessert that’s not restaurant quality.” With the butter fudge on top of the warm brownie, it melts to a nice gooey consistency, while keeping the ice cream from melting too quickly.

When the brownie and ice cream are combined, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream is a delightful, decadent dessert, although I wish they used better ingredients. The flavor is dominated by chocolate, but that’s never a bad thing, unless you’re being waterboarded with chocolate milk. The brownie was a little too moist for my tastes, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t let it cool down first. But if I let it cool down, the butter fudge won’t melt.

Oh, if only all catch-22 situations involved chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 dessert – 340 calories, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 8% calcium and 10% iron.)

(NOTE: On Second Scoop also reviewed it and Heat Eat Review tried the Hot Turtle Brownie version.)

Item: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delightful dessert. Reasonably priced. Looks similar to what’s on the box. Catch-22 situations that involve chocolate.
Cons: Brownie and ice cream aren’t high quality. High is saturated fat. Being waterboarded with chocolate milk. Photoshopped models.

REVIEW: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)

Marvo 20 Comments

If Bud Light is going to make up a word like “drinkability” in order to describe their shitty, watery beer, I’m going to create my own lingo when talking about chewing gum.

Despite what a few people think, some chewing gums don’t taste the same. Is a show starring Alec Baldwin the same as a show starring Daniel or William Baldwin? Does Kathie Lee Gifford scare away children when wearing makeup or without makeup? (Okay, that’s was bad example, because she scares either way.) But is a douche bag holding fluid to clean a vagina worse than a douchebag holding Heidi Montag?

Bottom line. There is a difference and some chewing gums have it. It’s called chewability — that just right taste that lasts long enough to make your breath smell like something other than the onions you just ate, satisfy your oral fixation or mask your alcohol-stained breath during a police DUI checkpoint.

The Trident Layers Gum has chewability…most of the time it’s in my mouth, and for a length of time that’s equivalent to how long I last in bed.

It comes in two duo flavors: Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple. Each Trident Layers piece looks like a crustless jelly sandwich one might find in an LSD-induced psychedelic dream, or if you’re George Clinton, a Funkadelic dream, baby.

The gum may be layered, but its flavor comes in waves. The Green Apple + Golden Pineapple flavor starts off tasting like a Jolly Rancher green apple candy, but then after about a minute, it starts tasting somewhat like pipe tobacco for 30 seconds. After that it’s pineapple flavor all the way. As for the Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus, it begins with a strong citrus flavor, which I believe is orange. After the citrus flavor subsides at about the two minute mark, the berry flavor kicks in. Both varieties begin to really lose their flavor after about ten minutes.

I enjoyed both flavors of Trident Layers, although not during those 30 seconds when the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. It’s like I’m chewing an adult version of Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious gum, except it’s hard to blow a decent-sized bubble with this gum.

But bubbles blowing don’t matter when it comes to chewability. And it also doesn’t matter to blowability, which is used to describe (use your imagination here).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Price: $1.24
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Tangy Citrus & Green Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Pros: Nice flavors. Soft chew. Flavors come in waves. They look super cool when trippin’ on LSD. George Clinton. Alec Baldwin acting in 30 Rock.
Cons: For about 30 seconds the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. Looses flavor quicker than I would like. Kathie Lee Gifford with or without makeup. Daniel or William Baldwin acting in anything.

REVIEW: Orbit Pina Colada Gum

Marvo 15 Comments

I wish Orbit Gum would stop pussyfooting around it.

The girly drink flavors have to come to an end and they have to develop beer-flavored chewing gum. It seems like the next logical step for Orbit, unless they want to go all Willy Wonka on us and make a three-course-dinner gum.

I’ve even come up with beer gum names they can use for a small upfront five-figure fee and future royalties: Aroma Ale and Muddy Minty Stout.

Right now, Orbit has four flavors named after girly alcoholic beverages: Sangria Fresca, Fabulous Fruitini, Mint Mojito and, their latest, Pina Colada. Although, before they come out with their beer-flavored gum, I hope they introduce a margarita flavor, which I believe is the Official Drink of College Girls Who End Up On Girls Gone Wild Videos.

The scent of the Orbit Pina Colada is part coconut and part pineapple, which, obviously, makes sense since they’re two of the main ingredients in a pina colada. Here’s something not so obvious about coconuts and pineapples; they make excellent weapons in close combat.

The hard exterior of coconuts can knock out an opponent or be used as a shield, while a pineapple can cause brief paralysis, but it’s not due to its spiky skin, instead it’s from the shock of being attacked with a fruit.

I’m not a fan of pina coladas, coconuts or asinine news anchor banter, unless it contains the phrase “keep fucking that chicken,” but I really enjoyed the flavor of this gum. It has a strong, sweet pineapple flavor with a bit of coconut, and there’s a little bit of mint, but not enough to make me think it’s freshening my breath. After about four minutes of chewing, it loses most of its flavor, but I kept it in my mouth for another 20 minutes or so before I had to spit it out due to an almost complete lack of flavor.

While it may not contain any alcohol, unless you consider sugar alcohol something you can get wasted off of, and it’s kind of a girly flavor, I think the Orbit Pina Colada Gum is quite tasty and I’ll continue to purchase it. If you’re looking to add something different to your chewing gum rotation, this would make a fine pick…until Orbit Muddy Minty Stout Gum is available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Pina Colada Gum
Price: $1.17
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great pineapple/coconut flavor. Sugar free. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time. Something different to add to chewing gum rotation. News anchor bloopers ending up on YouTube.
Cons: Not really minty. No alcohol. Asinine news anchor banter. Being attacked by a coconut or pineapple. No beer flavored gum, yet.