Author: Stephanie

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog

Stephanie 5 Comments

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog

Here I go again, reviewing another Hot Pocket. What keeps me coming back to the Hot Pockets product line when I know every pocket will be reminiscent of the last? Do I have a problem? Will my constant attraction to all pockets Hot, Lean, and Pretzeld ultimately be my undoing?

The new Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket may not be the best Hot Pocket Ive ever tasted, but it certainly provides no cure for my stuffed sandwich addiction. In other words, Im hooked on Hot Pockets. Can we make that a slogan and sell it to the Hot Pockets people? I can use the money to pay for treatment.

Psssst…Treatment includes lots and lots of burning the roof of ones mouth.

Lets start with the filling because as we all know, Hot Pockets are like my unattractive friend I want you to ask out: Its whats inside that counts. The name itself spells everything out for you. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket contains chili sauce made with beef and chicken pattie crumbles, which is suitably savory.

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Innards

It also contains cheese just gooey and flavorful enough to make a good impression. But that dog part? The box claims that the chili sauce contains pork franks. The last time I ate pork frank pieces this tiny was when I was experiencing finger foods for the first time in my high chair. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket is filled with more lies than pork franks.

And if youre expecting an awesome exterior to make up for the disappointing interior, youre out of luck. The Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket has an unseasoned, unspectacular crust. In fact, its a lot like a plain ol hot dog bun. (Another thought… just what should I call this outer part of the sandwich if they keep changing the texture? The crust? The bun? WHAT DO I CALL THE POCKET PART OF A HOT POCKET??? Since Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pockets arent particularly crusty, Im going with “buns.” The quotation marks are in full effect.)

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Bun

I tried to remember the last time I ate an unseasoned and unadorned “bun,” and I realized that these are the same “buns” they use for the Sideshots. I guess the approach with the Sideshots was to mimic a hamburger bun, and they go for the same effect here in a hot dog bun way €¦ but when I consider the filling of the Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket (or lack thereof), I wish they had tried something different.

In fact, they should probably have gone back to the drawing board entirely with this sandwich, starting with the ridiculous name: “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog.” Its like theyre saying Cheese Dog when they really mean Chili Dog, but they forgot to include the dog. Have the creators of this Hot Pocket never had a chili dog before in their lives? Why not just call it “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Cheese?” Eliminate the weird “Sauce” part and any reference to HOT DOGS altogether. With the scanty amount of pork franks in this Hot Pocket, it wouldve been better to let us make the pleasant discovery of pork frank pieces in our chili-infused sandwich, and then wed be happy instead of incensed.

Okay, I just went on a long rant about a microwaveable sandwich. Maybe I do have a problem.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 280 calories, fat calories, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 10% Iron, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Vitamin A.)

Item:  Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog
Price: $2.49 (on sale)
Size:  2 sandwich
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating:  5 out of 10
Pros:  Suitably savory chili with beef and chicken pattie crumbles. Hooked on Hot Pockets. Gooey cheese. Will not negatively affect my Hot Pockets addiction.
Cons: Filled with more lies than pork franks. Burning the roof of your mouth. Unseasoned bun. Quotation marks.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt

Stephanie 3 Comments

Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt

Because I am a nerd and like to read about scientific things as much as I can while science is still legal in this country, I recently discovered an Oxford University experiment involving the relationship between food flavors and sound. Results showed that sweet-tasting foods tended to be matched with high-pitched tones while more savory foods tended to be matched with low-pitched sounds.

If that’s the case, then I would have to compare a spoonful of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt to a screeching serenade by a pod of whales. In other words, this frozen yogurt is sweeter than sweet, which was surprising considering that Greek yogurt tends to be tarter than tart. By the way, hyperbole also comes from Greece.

Make no mistake, I prefer sweet frozen yogurt to tart frozen yogurt, just like I’d prefer a friendly whale over any of the homicidal ones. And by “homicidal,” I don’t mean killer whales. I mean whales that commit premeditated murder. Like Moby Dick… or Monstro. Yeah, pretty sure Monstro swallowed his own weight in victims over the years.

However, with Greece being so close to Italy, I think the Mediterranean Sea-dwelling Monstro might enjoy Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen yogurt more than your typical whale would. (Science.) There’s even a chance I can use a fresh pint to lure him and finally pin a spate of horrific maritime swallowings on him. Better yet, we’ll film it and call it Law & Order: WSIU (Whale Swallowings Investigations Unit), and it will not only incorporate sketchy scientific techniques, but it will also be in Italian with English subtitles — “La balena inghiottì il capo!” Chun-CHUNG.

Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt Closeup

Unlike the potential ratings of an hour-long TV procedural starring ocean-dwelling mammals, Ben & Jerry’s doesn’t disappoint when it comes to the texture of their Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt. Bits of real strawberries and shortcake pieces really boost the flavor and add to the richness of the creamy frozen yogurt. An extra bonus is that it only has 180 calories per serving. Molto bene! I did wish there had been more shortcake pieces and that they had been bigger. Often, I couldn’t tell whether I’d even picked up any shortbread in my spoon.

Despite that, I would highly recommend Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt. For now, this flavor is only available at grocery stores, so don’t go looking for them at a scoop shop. Even if your street contact says they’ve heard whales hanging out around there. It’s not whales, it’s the flavor. (Science.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup (100g) – 180 calories, 45 fat calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 0% Iron, 10% Vitamin C, and 4% Vitamin A.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt reviews:
San Diego Sugar
On Second Scoop
Junk Food Guy

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like whales sound. 180 calories per serving. Light, creamy and sweet. The Italian language.
Cons: Not enough shortbread pieces. Monstro. Only available at grocery stores. Law & Order: WSIU, coming this fall.

REVIEW: Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars (Strawberry & Chocolate)

Stephanie 2 Comments

Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars (Strawberry & Chocolate)

Some snack foods should think more highly of themselves. I like these new MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars based solely on the brilliance of their TV ads, which feature Mel, the little existentialist MilkBite who is so meek and self-deprecating that you just have to love him. Mel’s main issue is that he struggles with his identity: Is he milk? Is he granola? Well, he’s both…. And he’s delicious.

Seriously, Mel shouldn’t have such low self-esteem because he’s got a lot going for him. He’s soft, cool to the touch, packed with calcium, and bursting with flavor. I can’t say the same for that unctuous, smirking Quaker Oats granola bar and that pompous cereal bar with the red “K” that thinks it’s so special. They’re losers. So chin up, Mel! Tons of people will eat you!

I never really considered before the potential self-esteem issues that healthy convenience foods might have, so kudos to Kraft for raising awareness surrounding this very serious issue. Maybe we’ll all think twice before giving a back-handed compliment to that piece of string cheese. (“Your tough, rubbery texture makes it so easy to peel you!”) Dairy has feelings too.

And speaking of dairy… since Kraft MilkBites contain real milk, they must be refrigerated, which is something I haven’t ever seen before. Try refrigerating any other type of granola bar, and you’ll probably end up cracking a tooth. MilkBites contain 30 percent of your daily value of calcium, five grams of protein, as well as some fiber, which is handy because I was getting tired of lugging around all those buckets of milk, eggs and steel cut oats everywhere like some kind of 18th century settler on the frontier. Innovation rules!

Kraft MilkBite Strawberry Milk & Granola Bar Wrapper

Kraft MilkBite Chocolate Milk & Granola Bar Wrapper

MilkBites come in five flavors: Strawberry, Chocolate, Oatmeal Raisin, Peanut Butter and Mixed Berry. I received samples of the Strawberry and Chocolate bars and found the texture of both to be similar -faintly creamy and chewy like very firm oatmeal. It’s not gooey or anything, but don’t expect much crunchiness from these bars. That’s not a diss, though Mel! You are soft, chewy, and toothsome.

Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars (Strawberry & Chocolate) Closeup

The Strawberry MilkBite was sweet and aromatic and loaded with tasty strawberry bits. Chocolate was rich and yummy with real chocolate chips embedded in the granola. Both Milk Bites were drizzled with icing, which is an ingredient with which you can never go wrong. Plus, since they had been stone cold chillin’ in the fridge, they were cool and delicious.

If you’re in the market for a snack bar that doubles as a daily injection of vitamins and minerals with an emphasis on calcium, but also taste really good, then check out Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola bars. Just be careful what you say around them.

(Editor’s Note/Disclosure: MilkBite samples were provided by Kraft to be reviewed. They came via overnight delivery in a chilled package. I like penguins. Wait…what? I don’t have to disclose to the FTC the fact I like penguins. Well, now they know. Full disclosure.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar (35g) – Strawberry – 140 calories, 50 fat calories, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 30% Calcium, 6% Iron, 10% Vitamin D, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Vitamin A. Chocolate – 140 calories, 50 fat calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 30% Calcium, 6% Iron, 10% Vitamin D, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Vitamin A.)

Item: Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars (Strawberry and Chocolate)
Price: FREE (retails for $3.49)
Size: 5 bars (1.23 ounces)
Purchased at: Received from wonderful PR folks
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Pros: Charmingly self-deprecating snack bars. Contains 30% of your daily value of calcium. Sweet, rich flavor. Drizzled with icing.
Cons: Back-handed compliments. Cracked teeth. Overly sensitive string cheese. Hauling oats around like I’m on The Ponderosa.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles

Stephanie 3 Comments

Kellogg's Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles

Let’s say we lived in a place where the mild and inoffensive ruled. Let’s call it Bland Town.

This is a place where the ellipsis is favored over the exclamation point… Where UFC championship fights have been replaced by Bob Ross reruns… Where people camp out for days in front of stadiums to see Bon Iver instead of Bon Jovi… Where Tabasco sauce is rare and unfathomable, shrouded in mystery and thought of only as an urban legend. In this innocuous little village, Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles are King of Breakfast Foods.

I suppose that the Eggo branch of Kellogg’s has been given some kind of kick in the pants recently because the division has unleashed a cascade of new products within the past few months. One of these is the low-fat version of their Homestyle frozen waffles, already a pretty tasty product. It wasn’t a bad idea to make a more healthful and nutritious Homestyle waffle, especially since the only other low-fat Eggo waffle options were the positively ancient Low Fat Nutri-Grain waffles. It’s just that “healthier” shouldn’t mean “less delicious” or “boring.”

Kellogg's Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles Closeup

Like most other Eggo frozen waffles, Low Fat Homestyle Waffles come in serving sizes of two. After toasting, they come out a lovely golden brown, smell great, and have a nice, crisp exterior upon first bite. But here’s where things go south. The texture of the Low Fat Homestyle waffle is rather chewy… much different than the full-fat version. It’s also not very flavorful, which is puzzling considering the aroma encourages visions of buttery, delicious homemade batter being poured into a waffle iron. Not so. These were some of the most uninspiring waffles I’ve ever eaten. And that means a lot coming from someone who’s frequently motivated to break into dance moves whenever she eats something delicious.

So, those of us who may want a lighter waffle breakfast are stuck with the somewhat rubbery, less-tasty version of the original Eggo’s Homestyle waffles. It’s not a terrible breakfast option, just blah. When you dine on Kellogg’s Eggo Low Fat Homestyle waffles, you’re firmly planted in Bland Town. And Bland Town, while clean and filled with nice, inoffensive residents who smile casually when they see you, maybe even tip their hats (because hats are still in fashion), is not where it’s at. Bland Town is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there, if you catch my drift.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 160 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 280 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Kellogg’s Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles reviews:
Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Low Fat Homestyle Waffles
Price: $3.99
Size: 12.3 oz/10 waffles
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 5 out of 10 (The perfect “meh” rating.)
Pros: Mild and inoffensive. Low in fat. Crispy and golden brown. The dulcet tones of Bob Ross.
Cons: Living in Bland Town. Chewy, rubbery texture. Spicy urban legends. Beard music.

REVIEW: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)

Stephanie 37 Comments

Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)

Being a hardcore fan takes dedication. It entails joining fan clubs, showing up whenever the thing you’re a fan of makes a public appearance, and devoting a huge portion of your week to enjoying whatever it is. Also a little bit of stalking. I believe the kids have created a delightful portmanteau for that kind of stalker fan: “Stan.”

But can one be a “stan” for a dairy product? I think I may qualify. I freaking love yogurt, man. I eat it every day. I have tried many brands, and I can say with confidence that I’ve settled on Yoplait as my brand of choice. Maybe it’s Yoplait’s high amount of sugar talking, but Yoplait is my jam. That’s not to say that fruit-flavored yogurts are my ultimate faves (see what I did there?) I have my old standbys: Vanilla, Boston Cream Pie, and Banana Cream Pie. These are the flavors that I can’t do without, the ones over which I will seriously get mad if my store hasn’t stocked them or if someone steals them from my fridge. And the stalking… Yes, I will do a drive-by of the dairy section just to see if my favorites are in stock, not even to buy them. I don’t leave scary notes declaring my love, but those little containers know what I’m thinking. They can see it in my steely, meaningful gaze of longing mixed with a touch of resentment.

Now Yoplait has provided a whole new product for me to obsess over by releasing lactose-free versions of the creamy goodness: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt. (Just in time for Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month! This is actually a thing. Can’t wait for the Hallmark product tie-ins… I’m thinking gassy teddy bears clutching milk bottles.) I’m not even sensitive to lactose, but I will buy this variety.

For now, Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt only comes in Strawberry, Peach, Cherry, and French Vanilla flavors and not in delicious cake/pie flavors… but as a true stan, I don’t hate, I appreciate, and I will kick the faces of anyone who does otherwise. I decided to sample the Strawberry and Peach ones since those are the sweet flavors that got me through my toughest times in 3rd and 4th grade. OK, not really, but they were always on my after school snack list. Lactose Free Yoplait 99% Fat Free Yogurt boasts that it has 50 percent of your recommended daily value of calcium, so we’re off to a good start. Curious about the other ingredients, I read the label and saw that the only ingredients “not found in regular yogurt” were a lactase enzyme, Tricalcium phosphate and Vitamin D3. Interesting. It appears that the yogurt DOES have lactose, but it also contains an added enzyme to help break it down into nothing. But look, it’s a genius addition, and if anybody complains about it they’re just jealous. I’m going to have Vitamin D3 tattooed on my face so everyone will know I’m down with the Yoplait nutrients.

I was pleased to find that the enzyme did absolutely nothing to change the flavor of the Strawberry and Peach yogurts. Both were sweet and creamy and had a nice smooth texture. You seriously wouldn’t know whether you were eating regular yogurt or “lactose-free” yogurt if it weren’t for the stylish, bright green packaging that proudly proclaims the latter.

I’m sure all this is welcome news for those amongst us with lactose intolerance. Poor devils. Sure, alternative non-dairy yogurt exists — I’ve tried soy, but it’s just not the same. And it’s expensive. Those little beans can be so hard to milk. So now we have an alternative to the alternative. Works out fine because they’re just imitators of the Originator. And as the Yoplait stan that I am, it pains to me say that, price-wise, Yoplait Lactose Free is only slightly less expensive than the non-dairy brands. One thing to consider is that the label may have the word “Free” on it a lot, but the price is 90 cents, which is a little more than I’ve paid for regular or Light Yoplait yogurt in the past. On the bright side, if my insides decide they suddenly can’t process yogurt anymore then I’ll have a reason to keep living because there’s no replacing Yoplait. EVER.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (6 ounces) – Strawberry – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron. Peach – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron.)

Item: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)
Price: 90 cents
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Peach)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Strawberry)

Pros: Yogurt stans. No lactose-related tummy aches. Provides 50% of recommended daily value of Calcium. Tastes like normal yogurt. Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month.
Cons: Gassy teddy bears. Stalking dairy. Slightly pricier than Yoplait Light and regular Yoplait. Lack of cake/pie flavors. Milking beans.