NEWS: IHOP’s New Loaded Country Hash Browns Help Make Morning Carbo-Loading Possible for Non-Marathoners

Do you ever look down at your lunch or dinner of pasta and bread and think to yourself, “Holy crap! How can I get the same excessive amounts of carbs I’m eating right now, but during breakfast?”

Thanks to IHOP, you no longer need to wonder. Their new Loaded Country Hash Browns, along with the included two buttermilk pancakes and two eggs, may provide you with enough carbs to last you a whole day or, perhaps, an entire week.

The Loaded Country Hash Browns come in three varieties:

Ham, Swiss & Mushroom Browns Рloaded with saut̩ed mushrooms, diced ham and melted Swiss and Parmesan cheese. Topped with green onions.

Jack, Cheddar & Bacon Browns – stuffed with chopped hickory-smoked bacon and melted Cheddar and Monterey Jack cheeses. Topped with sour cream and green onions.

Country Sausage Browns – contains pork sausage links, Cheddar cheese and grilled onions. Topped with creamy country gravy.

The Loaded Country Hash Browns are available for a limited time for $5.99. So if you need to get your carb on, head to your nearest IHOP and feast.

NEWS: Melon Berry Blast Slurpee Helps Keep The Art of Alliteration Alive

This month’s limited-edition Slurpee — Melon Berry Blast — has nothing to do with Space Shuttles or money shots, so I’m wondering what’s the purpose of the “blast” in its name. The only reason I could think of was perhaps 7-Eleven is trying to ensure the literary device of alliteration never goes away. If they are, it’s nice that they’re making the effort. But as long as magazine titles need to be written there will be alliteration.

The Melon Berry Blast Slurpee combines the flavor of watermelon with the taste of strawberry to create a sweet and sour Slurpee that will temporarily make your tongue the same color as Rupaul’s lipstick. It contains 60 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbs, and 17 grams of sugar per 8-ounce serving.

NEWS: Pizza Hut’s New Lasagna Looks to Exacerbate Garfield the Cat’s Weight Problem

Whenever I look over a Garfield comic strip, I wonder two things: How should I strangle myself if they release a third Garfield movie and what are those dark lines on Garfield, stripes or stretch marks?

If they’re stretch marks, they’re about to get wider thanks to Pizza Hut’s new Tuscani Lasagna. I haven’t tried any of the other Tuscani Pasta dishes, but I’ve heard they’re pretty tasty. I guess I’ve been hesitant because I’m afraid their pastas might be as greasy as their pizzas, which sometimes makes the area around my mouth look like I made out with a penny whore. (Note: It’s totally not worth the penny when you consider the cost of the penicillin you have to take after.) The nutrition values weren’t on the Pizza Hut website, but if it’s like any of the other Tuscani Pastas it will have around 500-ish calories, 25-ish grams of fat, 10-ish grams of saturated fat, and 1000-ish milligrams of sodium per serving. For $14.99, you’ll get over three pounds of the Tuscani Lasagna and five breadsticks.

Quiznos Makes Jared Cry By Having As Many Meatball Subs As Subway

The Primo Meatball sub from Quiznos may consist of seasoned meatballs, zesty marinara sauce, and mozzarella cheese, but the one thing it probably doesn’t have is the ability to make Italian mothers everywhere cry. With 1000 calories, 45 grams of fat, and 2,950 milligrams of sodium in the large version of this sandwich, the only thing it can make Italian mothers do is feel extremely sluggish after eating it and have the desire to take a nap. Fortunately, Quiznos offers smaller versions of the sandwich, like they do with all of their sandwiches. I’m personally not much of a meatball sandwich kind of guy, because I’ve ruined in way too many white shirts while eating spaghetti and meatballs. But if you’re not afraid to ruin a shirt and want to eat something hearty, this Primo Meatball sub might be for you.

Vanilla Cream Slurpee May Cause Me To Cream


One of my all-time favorite Slurpee flavors is blue vanilla, but unfortunately I haven’t seen it at my neighborhood 7-Eleven for a very, very, WTF long time. I believe I haven’t seen because the Slurpee gods are punishing me for my regular routine of filling my Slurpee cup, then walking around the 7-Eleven, taking swings of it every so often while I check out the candy, soda, and the vast array of shitty magazines, and then going back to the Slurpee machine to fill it to the top again. But oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven, because they are introducing the Vanilla Cream Slurpee this month and I hope it tastes similar to my beloved Blue Vanilla Slurpee. If it does, my high fructose corn syrup intake will increase dramatically this month.