Quiznos Makes Jared Cry By Having As Many Meatball Subs As Subway

The Primo Meatball sub from Quiznos may consist of seasoned meatballs, zesty marinara sauce, and mozzarella cheese, but the one thing it probably doesn’t have is the ability to make Italian mothers everywhere cry. With 1000 calories, 45 grams of fat, and 2,950 milligrams of sodium in the large version of this sandwich, the only thing it can make Italian mothers do is feel extremely sluggish after eating it and have the desire to take a nap. Fortunately, Quiznos offers smaller versions of the sandwich, like they do with all of their sandwiches. I’m personally not much of a meatball sandwich kind of guy, because I’ve ruined in way too many white shirts while eating spaghetti and meatballs. But if you’re not afraid to ruin a shirt and want to eat something hearty, this Primo Meatball sub might be for you.

Vanilla Cream Slurpee May Cause Me To Cream


One of my all-time favorite Slurpee flavors is blue vanilla, but unfortunately I haven’t seen it at my neighborhood 7-Eleven for a very, very, WTF long time. I believe I haven’t seen because the Slurpee gods are punishing me for my regular routine of filling my Slurpee cup, then walking around the 7-Eleven, taking swings of it every so often while I check out the candy, soda, and the vast array of shitty magazines, and then going back to the Slurpee machine to fill it to the top again. But oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven, because they are introducing the Vanilla Cream Slurpee this month and I hope it tastes similar to my beloved Blue Vanilla Slurpee. If it does, my high fructose corn syrup intake will increase dramatically this month.

Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is Big Enough to Shut Anyone’s Piehole

Metaphorically, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth, but I’ve never been able to do it literally because I lack the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and my feet smell like stinky cheese and ballsack sweat. However, thanks to the Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito I can now experience what it feels like to have something that is roughly the mass of someone’s foot and stick it in my mouth. I would’ve listed all of the ingredients, but I figured by the time you got half way through, you might have chest pains from just reading it. With 770 calories and 47 grams of fat, it’s a gluttonous way to start your morning. It’s available now at your nearest Carl’s Jr. for $2.69.