NEWS: IHOP’s New Loaded Country Hash Browns Help Make Morning Carbo-Loading Possible for Non-Marathoners

Do you ever look down at your lunch or dinner of pasta and bread and think to yourself, “Holy crap! How can I get the same excessive amounts of carbs I’m eating right now, but during breakfast?”

Thanks to IHOP, you no longer need to wonder. Their new Loaded Country Hash Browns, along with the included two buttermilk pancakes and two eggs, may provide you with enough carbs to last you a whole day or, perhaps, an entire week.

The Loaded Country Hash Browns come in three varieties:

Ham, Swiss & Mushroom Browns Рloaded with saut̩ed mushrooms, diced ham and melted Swiss and Parmesan cheese. Topped with green onions.

Jack, Cheddar & Bacon Browns – stuffed with chopped hickory-smoked bacon and melted Cheddar and Monterey Jack cheeses. Topped with sour cream and green onions.

Country Sausage Browns – contains pork sausage links, Cheddar cheese and grilled onions. Topped with creamy country gravy.

The Loaded Country Hash Browns are available for a limited time for $5.99. So if you need to get your carb on, head to your nearest IHOP and feast.

NEWS: Melon Berry Blast Slurpee Helps Keep The Art of Alliteration Alive

This month’s limited-edition Slurpee — Melon Berry Blast — has nothing to do with Space Shuttles or money shots, so I’m wondering what’s the purpose of the “blast” in its name. The only reason I could think of was perhaps 7-Eleven is trying to ensure the literary device of alliteration never goes away. If they are, it’s nice that they’re making the effort. But as long as magazine titles need to be written there will be alliteration.

The Melon Berry Blast Slurpee combines the flavor of watermelon with the taste of strawberry to create a sweet and sour Slurpee that will temporarily make your tongue the same color as Rupaul’s lipstick. It contains 60 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbs, and 17 grams of sugar per 8-ounce serving.

NEWS: Pizza Hut’s New Lasagna Looks to Exacerbate Garfield the Cat’s Weight Problem

Whenever I look over a Garfield comic strip, I wonder two things: How should I strangle myself if they release a third Garfield movie and what are those dark lines on Garfield, stripes or stretch marks?

If they’re stretch marks, they’re about to get wider thanks to Pizza Hut’s new Tuscani Lasagna. I haven’t tried any of the other Tuscani Pasta dishes, but I’ve heard they’re pretty tasty. I guess I’ve been hesitant because I’m afraid their pastas might be as greasy as their pizzas, which sometimes makes the area around my mouth look like I made out with a penny whore. (Note: It’s totally not worth the penny when you consider the cost of the penicillin you have to take after.) The nutrition values weren’t on the Pizza Hut website, but if it’s like any of the other Tuscani Pastas it will have around 500-ish calories, 25-ish grams of fat, 10-ish grams of saturated fat, and 1000-ish milligrams of sodium per serving. For $14.99, you’ll get over three pounds of the Tuscani Lasagna and five breadsticks.

NEWS: Taco Bell Creates a Gordita That Hindu AND Jewish People Won’t Eat

The new Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is the first limited time only menu item from Taco Bell that I’ve wanted to try in a long time because it looks like their Double Decker Taco, which is my default whenever I make a run for the border. This Gordita on steroids has been injected with real cheddar cheese, a zesty Southwest cheddar sauce and bacon. That’s TWO FRICKIN’ CHEESES for those of you who are counting at home. From the picture above, it looks like the bacon is mixed in with the cheddar cheese, which should make Wisconsinites extremely happy. The crunchy taco shell inside should give it a nice crunch, unless all the grease from the ground beef, cheese and bacon get to it before you do. It weights in at 189 grams, which is roughly the same weight as a Double Decker Taco Supreme, but with 600 calories, 37 grams of fat, 1120 milligrams of sodium, the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is significantly less healthy. But that won’t scare me away because the bacon beckons me.

Get A Meal That Has The Nutritional Value of Three With Taco Bell’s Fully Loaded Nachos

With 1390 calories, 83 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat, and 2190 milligrams of sodium, Taco Bell’s new Fully Loaded Nachos looks like it’s meant for two people or one person who just doesn’t give a damn. It’s made up of twice the seasoned beef than their Nachos Bell Grande, fiesta sauce, guacamole, sour cream, hearty beans, a three-cheese blend, nacho cheese sauce, and tortilla chips inside a tortilla chip bowl. As you can see from the picture above, it basically looks like a taco salad without the annoyance of lettuce. It’s available for a limited time.

Quiznos Makes Jared Cry By Having As Many Meatball Subs As Subway

The Primo Meatball sub from Quiznos may consist of seasoned meatballs, zesty marinara sauce, and mozzarella cheese, but the one thing it probably doesn’t have is the ability to make Italian mothers everywhere cry. With 1000 calories, 45 grams of fat, and 2,950 milligrams of sodium in the large version of this sandwich, the only thing it can make Italian mothers do is feel extremely sluggish after eating it and have the desire to take a nap. Fortunately, Quiznos offers smaller versions of the sandwich, like they do with all of their sandwiches. I’m personally not much of a meatball sandwich kind of guy, because I’ve ruined in way too many white shirts while eating spaghetti and meatballs. But if you’re not afraid to ruin a shirt and want to eat something hearty, this Primo Meatball sub might be for you.